rams10 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I'd been dating a guy for a month. we could talk for hours, started off as fun witty banter but later learned we aligned on important issues (values, career) too. Had sex after 3rd date and it was awesome, it was clear from his reactions that I completely blew his mind and the chemistry Was there. I let him set the pace and this past week he wanted to hang out multiple times, even came to visit me at work where he got nothing out of it (sex), just sitting and talking with me for an hour and holding my hand. So last night we go out to dinner and have a greAt time as usual . We get back to his place and he says "we need to talk about us." I say "sure what about?" He goes "I don't think this is working out, I think we are both looking for the same thing but, the connection just isn't there. And I really like you and want it to work out but I've only been in long term relationships before, and I don't know, I was just looking for that same deep connection and I don't think this is it." I started crying, and he kept just locking eyes w me and looking devastated, and I said "you can't magically expect a super deep connection after a month, you have to work at it a bit, why didn't you do that?" And he just looked like mad at himself, saying "I don't know! I don't know why I didn't!" Then got so upset and sad that he literally went into the bathroom to get sick. I had no warning of this coming even in the slightest. Link to post Share on other sites
kassy Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I dated a guy recently who was fantastic. Funny, smart, witty, caring, great job, sporty, same values on the big stuff and I thought he was really good looking too. Loved spending time with him as it was great. But I ended it with him because for all of that and as much as it frustrates me I just wasn't feeling any chemistry. It sucks for both of us. There is no logical reason behind it but something wasn't there for me. I dragged it out a bit as I hoped it would materialize and it didn't. His response was fairly similar to yours. My advice is just take some time and regroup and then go back out and start dating others till you find someone you really have a connection with. Don't take it personally, it sounds like he felt as rubbish as I did. I'd love to be head over heels for the guy I dated, but it wouldn't be fair to either of us as he deserves someone who isn't trying to be romantically crazy about him. And so do I. And some things are either there or they aren't and can't be worked on. Unfortunately. Big hugs 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 (edited) Normally I'd agree with your response and I've been in your position, too. The problem here was that I'd purposely hung back and let him come to me, do the pursuing. If I let the conversation die over text, he'd pick it back up again. He came to visit me at work just a few days ago, just to spend an hour sitting with me and talking. It was clear whenever we were physical that our chemistry was off the charts -- he was clearly SO into it. Why is he saying "well in my long term relationships I had a deep connection and was looking for that again" -- it had been a month!! Based on the fact that he literally got sick over the conversation, I just feel there's more to the story, and even last night was so much fun up until the moment he ddelivered his generic line about things not working... Edited October 18, 2015 by rams10 Link to post Share on other sites
kassy Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Fair enough, but in my world a month is hardly enough time to get to know someone, and not a massive amount of time. In dating you need to be careful not to assume how you see/feel things are projected onto your date. The guy I dated was astonished that I didn't feel any chemistry for many of the same sorts of things as you. But I really liked him and enjoyed our time together. He just viewed my genuine enjoyment as meaning I felt the same way as him. Like I said I really wish I had. But I'be had my fair share of great long term relationships and know when something is missing. But obviously ever situation is different and it may not be the situation in your case. At the end of the day it doesn't matter really. He's ended it and now you need to move on. Sucks but true 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 But there WAS chemistry, he was very into the sex, you can't fake that... And yet he'd also do things like come visit me at work just to sit wth me for an hour and hold my hand. This was such an abrupt, generic announcement in the midst of a great night last night, followed by him being so upset that he physically got himself sick?? Link to post Share on other sites
kassy Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I've had great mind blowing sex with someone I wouldn't even be seen in public with lol sexual chemistry is not necessarily the same as chemistry with someone you want a longerm relationship at all. But clearly you want to believe that he was as into it as you and decided for some bizarre reason to end it anyway... So if that's what you are determined to believe that's cool with me. Best of luck 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Guyouthere Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 But there WAS chemistry, he was very into the sex, you can't fake that... And yet he'd also do things like come visit me at work just to sit wth me for an hour and hold my hand. This was such an abrupt, generic announcement in the midst of a great night last night, followed by him being so upset that he physically got himself sick?? He made his feelings clear. You are beating a dead horse. I need to be upfront and honest with you, if you continue to ask for the "why", you will likely never get the answer. You just need to deal with it as it is. Hugs to you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 He made his feelings clear. Made his feelings clear in a random conversation out of the blue, which immediately turned into him being so upset that he got physically sick? You don't think he made his feelings clear as recently as the last few days, when he was coming to visit me at work, always keeping the text convo going, going out of his way to see me? I literally feel like there's something "wrong" with him. And we'd had a decent amount of wine at dinner, me more than him, but I just don't even feel this makes a bit of real sense 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Well, if there is something "wrong" with him, then feel lucky you found out so soon. Now move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Guyouthere Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Made his feelings clear in a random conversation out of the blue, which immediately turned into him being so upset that he got physically sick? You don't think he made his feelings clear as recently as the last few days, when he was coming to visit me at work, always keeping the text convo going, going out of his way to see me? I literally feel like there's something "wrong" with him. And we'd had a decent amount of wine at dinner, me more than him, but I just don't even feel this makes a bit of real sense Well there very well might be something wrong with him. You can read my story on here, what I went through, I thought I had the same,.. turns out my girlfriend had some serious mental issues I had known nothing about, and I had to learn it the hard way. If he does know what he is doing, it could very well be that he has that in him where he is feeling doubts. Now don't take this personally, but in my case, I became sort of like that too, when I "sensed" something wasn't right with my girlfriend. Obviously I am not saying there is a problem with you, but sometimes a guy (or woman) will just sense things and sunconciously react to them. In my case, I came out and told my girl that I wanted to date others, which threw her off, BUT, how did I know that she already had a guy on the side? I didn't, I just FELT it. My point being……… and please (so you don't thin Im saying this is you who caused this…) He might very well be picking up on a deeper issue that exists in your relationship, and perhaps neither of you can even put your finger on it even. In any case, I would say it is likely over, or should be. Normal and happy relationships do not have this type of thing in them. For me, it saved my sanity and future, because only God knows what COULD have been had I remained with that woman as she is now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 What could I have done wrong?? I was the opposite of clingy or needy! I didn't drone on about past relationships or any sort of drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 He's talking about an emotional/mental/spiritual connection, not just a sexual/physical one. Contrary to popular belief, some guys need and want that. He wants to see some emotion and passion. What's sad is that he'll probably like you again now that you cried. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
pcs13 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I'm literally in the same situation and just made a long post about it but it looks like yours summed it up better. In my situation we both really enjoy each other but can't feel the connection. An ex even broke up with me after a year of dating with the same reason as well. So I understand how crazy and hard it is to accept but sometimes you just have to. You can't really do anything about it but hope that you'll one day find the right one who shares the same feeling with you. I think you're just trying to deny what happened but really if he is really interested he will come back. Now move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Sexual chemistry aside, he was looking for something emotionally which he didn't feel with you. Visiting with you and talking to you might have been his way of trying to connect at a deeper level and he wasn't feeling that deeper connection. Very sorry to hear it turned out like this but he may not have been right for you after all. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 What could I have done wrong?? I was the opposite of clingy or needy! I didn't drone on about past relationships or any sort of drama. OP, it's doubtful you did anything wrong. This man sounds deeply conflicted and ambivalent in the extreme. Not to generalize, but his behavior makes him sound a bit commitmentphobic. Better he hit the panic button now, after a month, than in six months or a year or five years. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 But there WAS chemistry, he was very into the sex, you can't fake that... And yet he'd also do things like come visit me at work just to sit wth me for an hour and hold my hand. This was such an abrupt, generic announcement in the midst of a great night last night, followed by him being so upset that he physically got himself sick?? Most men are very into sex. Rarely is sex bad for them. You obviously were feeling it more than he did. Maybe seeing you cry knowing he had to hurt you made him sick to his stomach. Most people these days break up by text because they are too chicken to face you. At least this guy did it face to face. Believe what he told you and stop trying to read more into it than was said. Just go NC and heal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BLND Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I have a feeling that visit at work was to tell you he wants to break up but at the end he couldn't. Just because he visits you at work and holds your hand for an hour doesn't mean much in menland. Men do lots of things but deep down they feel the total opposite. Proof is that the next day he broke up with you. I suggest you move on and find yourself someone you really connect with. Not just sexually. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Made his feelings clear in a random conversation out of the blue, which immediately turned into him being so upset that he got physically sick? You don't think he made his feelings clear as recently as the last few days, when he was coming to visit me at work, always keeping the text convo going, going out of his way to see me? I literally feel like there's something "wrong" with him. And we'd had a decent amount of wine at dinner, me more than him, but I just don't even feel this makes a bit of real sense He probably came to see you at work to see if there was a better connection between you during the day hours, no alcohol, whatever. Apparently it didn't make him feel any different so he ended it. It really sounds simple to me I don't know why it doesn't make sense to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 OP, it's doubtful you did anything wrong. This man sounds deeply conflicted and ambivalent in the extreme. Not to generalize, but his behavior makes him sound a bit commitmentphobic. . Do you think? At one point he asked what my online dating experiences had been like, and all he could bring up was how one girl told him on the first date that she'd be moving in 3 years, and he said "so weird, like why is she telling me this?!!!" His behavior gave me no indication that he was all about seeking a "deep connection" and would bail if he didn't have that after a month. At dinner last night we were talking about friends who got married and then divorced at younger ages, I asked him a few generic things like where he'd want to live in the country long term, but definitely nothing close to serious. And the night was FUN. So then he randomly spits out a generic line about how it's not working due to no connection... Then proceeds to be so upset that he makes himself sick? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I was the opposite of clingy or needy! But he wanted you to be clingy and needy. Link to post Share on other sites
Guyouthere Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 He's talking about an emotional/mental/spiritual connection, not just a sexual/physical one. Contrary to popular belief, some guys need and want that. He wants to see some emotion and passion. What's sad is that he'll probably like you again now that you cried. Im one of those guys for sure. I can go out and get sex if I wanted only that. Sex is important to me, but it is not the most important thing. I look for that spiritual and emotional connection. That is a MUST. I don't expect it to be perfect and make me feel "I need you", but it is a critical part of any long term relationship I am going to have. This guy sounds like he could be seeking the same, but see my previous response as well. There is always a deeper connection if it is meant to be, and also sometimes that just takes time to develop. I dont necessarily believe in all this talk of "chemistry" either. Relationships are built on many factors, and sometimes that takes a while to show through in its full potential. Only if the two people are too far part, is it not likely going to work. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Do you think? At one point he asked what my online dating experiences had been like, and all he could bring up was how one girl told him on the first date that she'd be moving in 3 years, and he said "so weird, like why is she telling me this?!!!" His behavior gave me no indication that he was all about seeking a "deep connection" and would bail if he didn't have that after a month. That was a test to see if you were the same way. And yes girl, men are confusing. lol Link to post Share on other sites
pcs13 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 How does it feel like for a guy feel connected to someone emotionally? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 How does it feel like for a guy feel connected to someone emotionally? Lots of feelings (the good kind) that you can barely control. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
craw Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I'm really sorry to hear the pain that you're going through, OP. I wish I was there to take out and paint the town red. Like others have said, best thing to do is to go NC and give him space. There are some things we will never know the answer to and after a ****loads of time, might come to a conclusion why it was better that you escaped. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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