KatZee Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Not sure why everyone is so negative, like there's no chance that he was ending things because "there's no deep connection" because he perceived ME as being casual, not needing him at all, not having lots of emotions for him. I'm going to give you a bit of wisdom an insight to the male mind. This scenario you've described above, while it may exist for a small minority of men, for the vast, vast, pretty much entire majority of men, this is not a thing. The male ego is a fragile ego. When they are INTO a woman, a woman they want to seriously be with and be in a relationship with, if they see her being "casual" if they don't get the vibe the woman needs him, they will accelerate the relationship. They will drive it forward, and they will do so quickly, and you will have ZERO question that they want to be with you. This goes back to my territorial statement. Guys who "claim" a woman, don't want any other man infringing on that territory. So if they want that woman, they want that woman all for themselves, they will make it KNOWN. They do not want to give you even the smallest window to get with another man. So when they are into a woman, and she's lukewarm, she's casual, he's going to pull all the stops. He's going to put a lot of effort, he's going to try his damnest to LOCK. IT. DOWN. When the girl is like "meh" he will try harder. He will not just be like, "K. bye." He'll be like, "What the hell could I do to make her want me even MORE!???!" "Playing hard to get" is not anything I'd ever advocate, but there is some truth to it. People want what they can't have. And even in my experience, I have a few guys in my life who will NOT. LEAVE. ME. ALONE. There is this one guy I've known since I'm 16 years old. (I'm 31 now). He's been trying to get me to go on a date with him since I'm 16. It doesn't end. My non-interest, he views as "I'm a tough nut to crack" and "You play hard to get." No guy, I'm just not interested in you. I've even spelled it out for him. He still doesn't get it. He just asked me out to dinner last week. A guy, after a mere 30 days, isn't going to just give up and throw in the towel if he's SOOOOOO into you. Not gonna happen. Ever. On any planet in this universe. On any planet outside of the Milky Way galaxy. When you responded to his rejection with: "I've never been happier" "Why can't we work on it" "We have such a great time together" "We have such a great connection" ... you could not have been any more open and clearer about your feelings for him. On the extreme off change he decided to bail because he thought you were "too casual" he would have heard these words from your mouth and been like: OH MY GOD! This is how you really feel?! Why haven't you told me! He would have been so happy to hear this and you guys would have continued on, and you would have gotten closer and built a deeper foundation together. What did happen, was that he broke up with you, and he's stuck by it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 Were you behaving in this same cling, needy way during the relationship? That would be what put him off HELL NO. He initiated almost every time we saw each other. Sometimes I'd let the texting convo naturally die, but he'd pick it back up. I was careful not to talk in serious terms, especially after the only dating story he shared w me was, "A woman told me on the first date she'd be moving in a few years, and I was like what the hell why are you telling me, why would I care?" Based on that, I figured he wanted to keep things light and casual and would be the last guy to spin around after a few weeks and say "oh there's no deep connection!" Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 It just happened that we had sex right away when he came over once. Afterward I said "ok I'm sorry, now I want to hear about your day, how was XYZ, I just had my priorities first haha" jokingly. He kept saying it was such an awesome way to be greeted at the door. And we did plenty of other things that didn't involve sex You just changed your story for me. I'm starting to see why you're having difficulties. Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 It just happened that we had sex right away when he came over once. Afterward I said "ok I'm sorry, now I want to hear about your day, how was XYZ, I just had my priorities first haha" jokingly. He kept saying it was such an awesome way to be greeted at the door. And we did plenty of other things that didn't involve sex Hmm well next time, if you don't want casual, don't treat things casually. Don't play a part and be someone that you are not. If you are looking for a guy who wants long-term, think about what he might be looking for from a woman. That being said, I don't think you did anything wrong. I just think this one is done and was probably doomed sooner than you think. If the guy at some point earlier on has pegged you as "not the girl I see myself being with long-term", there is nothing you can do about that. Sometimes the guy is not even self-aware about this but comes to realise later on when people get more attached. Once things seem to fizzle out, it can be difficult to change the situation. But look, you had a great time with this guy so just think about the positive things. Then everything is a lesson and you can apply that lesson to future relationships. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I'm curious why come here seeking advice if you are so sure he still wants you? The fact that you're trying to convince everyone here that he has deep feelings for you despite him telling you otherwise and then wanting to take a few days to think about things makes you come across as desperate and needy. Please, OP, for your own dignity and self-worth, let him go. Move on. The right person for you will never tell you he doesn't feel a deep connection to you and need a few days to think things over. He's a nice guy who is trying very hard to let you down easily. Accept that it's just not there for him. It's only been a month...it shouldn't be this hard to accept it and move on! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 HELL NO. He initiated almost every time we saw each other. Sometimes I'd let the texting convo naturally die, but he'd pick it back up. I was careful not to talk in serious terms, especially after the only dating story he shared w me was, "A woman told me on the first date she'd be moving in a few years, and I was like what the hell why are you telling me, why would I care?" Based on that, I figured he wanted to keep things light and casual and would be the last guy to spin around after a few weeks and say "oh there's no deep connection!" Because there's no deep connection. The end. This isn't some unusual scenario. Happens to millions of people per day. I guarantee he just met someone he clicks with better, or someone from the past came back. That's it. To continue to think deeper into this is a serious waste of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 OK I totally agree with you -- there was no deep connection -- but that's partially because I was holding back trying to be casual and not scare him off (which has since changed last night)... and partially because it'd only been a month! I think he has his own issues that he needs to sort out, and maybe that has something to do w/his past, and/or the fact that his family is coming in town today. But in my experience guys don't reinforce that they really care about you, and suggest talking after you both have time to think things through, if they don't care. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 And one more thing...guys are capable of having mind-blowing, amazing sex with a woman and being extremely attentive and "loving" without having deep feelings for her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 But in my experience guys don't reinforce that they really care about you, and suggest talking after you both have time to think things through, if they don't care. Yes, they do. Every single day. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Begging, pleading, being needy? I was the furthest thing from needy this whole month, he actually even acknowledged that. And I'm wondering if my lack of "needing" much to do with him, keeping things casual and light, is the reason why he's saying there's no "deep connection" between us. I think his response is encouraging. He's reinforcing that he cares a lot about me, and suggesting we wait a few days to think things over before talking makes me think he's regretting what he said last night. Right. Or that you're just clinging simply because you're ego is hurt even tho you don't really want him. Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 This thread is way beyond this point, but FWIW, I'd look at him getting physically ill while breaking up with you as a sign that he really, really doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Not all guys are arrogant a**es when they break up with you; it hurts them to hurt a woman they care about. My ex cried and cried when he was breaking up with me, and held me for a LONG time before I left, but that didn't mean he didn't want to break up. He did, indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 HELL NO. He initiated almost every time we saw each other. Sometimes I'd let the texting convo naturally die, but he'd pick it back up. I was careful not to talk in serious terms, especially after the only dating story he shared w me was, "A woman told me on the first date she'd be moving in a few years, and I was like what the hell why are you telling me, why would I care?" Based on that, I figured he wanted to keep things light and casual and would be the last guy to spin around after a few weeks and say "oh there's no deep connection!" To me that story would make me think "hmm I wonder what he means by that". Anything where the guy is saying something about another woman like that would put me off. Plus you have to read between the lines. Just don't be someone you're not. There's no point in denying what you really want from a relationship just to tiptoe around the guy. It doesn't matter if you say "I'm looking for a serious relationship" and you act like you do. If that scares the guy off then good riddance. None of that is being clingy. That is just called being up front about what you are looking for. Plus don't read into his "deep connection" reasoning. For all you know, he could just be using that as a generic break-up phrase. Also, if he was only after casual with you in the first place, it's his fault the deep connection didn't happen because he didn't try to make one. You could both have made mistakes. I think you are giving this guy too much credit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 OK I totally agree with you -- there was no deep connection -- but that's partially because I was holding back trying to be casual and not scare him off (which has since changed last night)... and partially because it'd only been a month! I think he has his own issues that he needs to sort out, and maybe that has something to do w/his past, and/or the fact that his family is coming in town today. But in my experience guys don't reinforce that they really care about you, and suggest talking after you both have time to think things through, if they don't care. Please refer to post #101. If you are unable to read things longer than two sentences, add "work on attention span" to your list of things to improve during your time being single. Not being nasty here, but you are missing extremely valuable advice here. A few things: 1. A guy who is into a woman, does not let his past, family issues, friend issues, work issues, total stranger issues, pet issues, middle east conflict issues, or any other issue keep him from her. STOP RATIONALIZING. 2. A guy will absolutely reinforce they care about you and will agree to talk again even if they have no intention of being with you again. Listen, I've been your age. You have not yet been mine. I've been around, I've dated every kind of guy imaginable, I've seen it all. I've garnered mounds of experience and I've earned my wisdom about dating. Because I've seen it all, been through it all. Story #2: My first love broke up with me. Sobbed. Ran to the bathroom to throw up. Met me with numerous times after ending it to talk. Held me while I cried for hours. I was 17 when this happened. As I said, I'm 31 now. Me and my first love never lost contact. I just spoke with him a couple weeks ago, actually. When he broke up with me, I did exactly what you're doing. I rationalized. I kept going, "But if he didn't want to be with me why would he still talk to me? Why would we continue to hook up? Why would he be jealous if I talked to another guy? Why would he still act like I was his girlfriend?" Why this, why that. I was CONVINCED. UTTERLY CONVINCED, and no one could tell me otherwise, that we would be together again. Last summer we were talking about our relationship all those years ago. Forgot how it came up or even why, but one thing I remember him saying is: "When we broke up I knew I'd never be your boyfriend again." There it is. Right from the horses mouth. Did he tell me that years ago? Nope. In fact, his actions were screaming the exact opposite. People will never cease to surprise you. Remember that. Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Plus don't read into his "deep connection" reasoning. For all you know, he could just be using that as a generic break-up phrase. Also, if he was only after casual with you in the first place, it's his fault the deep connection didn't happen because he didn't try to make one. You could both have made mistakes. I think you are giving this guy too much credit. To add on, going by the first post, I don't think this was necessarily "casual", I just meant that he probably had a lingering feeling earlier on that this wasn't going to work out. You could have been experiencing great chemistry, while the guy was just thinking about whether things would improve down the line. But yeah that's why I say "don't give the guy too much credit" because if he really wasn't feeling it at all, he wouldn't be in a position to make more effort and to build a stronger connection. If he felt enough, he would have worked at it. Clearly he didn't. Also he's probably comparing things to how his other relationships started out so he knows what he is looking for. It happens sometimes that you meet someone who's good on paper with you but you don't click in some fundamental ways which are important. For instance, I've met awesome guys but haven't clicked with them fully as I go mad for book nerds . Then a guy I was dating wasn't into me enough because he was really into women who play musical instruments. Link to post Share on other sites
J21 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Just go for it OP. These people dont know the situation. Probably better to be 100% sure and get his decision from him rather than having random internet peeps speculate 1 Link to post Share on other sites
J21 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Every situation is different, and while other people's past experiences may or may not relate to your specific situation. I dont see the harm in getting a final determination few days later. You played it cool which works in your favor when you guys talk few days later. Just hope he doesn't see this post lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 18, 2015 Author Share Posted October 18, 2015 Just go for it OP. These people dont know the situation. Probably better to be 100% sure and get his decision from him rather than having random internet peeps speculate I think so. I'm hoping that me "playing it cool," acting the opposite of needy, is the reason he felt no "deep connection" -- and that once he saw me cry and I told him how much I really care for him, that changed things... And is the reason why today he's texting me back that he cares a lot about me, and we can talk after we both take a few days to think things through. Link to post Share on other sites
J21 Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I think so. I'm hoping that me "playing it cool," acting the opposite of needy, is the reason he felt no "deep connection" -- and that once he saw me cry and I told him how much I really care for him, that changed things... And is the reason why today he's texting me back that he cares a lot about me, and we can talk after we both take a few days to think things through. Hope so too rams. I am rooting for it to work out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JasmineJones Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I CAN'T let it go. He seemed so truly happy up until the moment he regurgitated that staement, and after it, just keept looking at me seeming devastated and getting physically sick. How can I actually be worthless ot him??? I want to figure out what's really goign on! Maybe if I pursue caring about him and finding out what's really wrong, that'll convince him there really is a connection and i truly do care Surely you are going to have to. Link to post Share on other sites
siriusp Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I have read this entire thread. I feel sorry for the OP as obviously it is causing her distress. So Rams10 - since you seem so convinced that he does care for you or would care for you if....something? Why not wait and see what he does or does not do in a couple of days? Personally I think he is not interested. As for getting sick - I fail to see what that has to do with anything. If you disrespect his wishes and continue to pursue him - you will, at least, understand that he doesn't want to be with you. Then you can move on instead of wasting your time on him. I know it is confusing and difficult but you seem to be driving yourself crazy by guessing what might or might not be - instead why not stick to the facts? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BLND Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 I just read all of your other thread about your ex who never loved you and treated you as a roommate taking rent from you while seeing other girls. everything you said in that thread, you're saying now. tons of people have advised you to leave your ex alone, but you refused. Saying that for sure he must love you, even if he clearly told you he had no feelings for you. Until, HE kicked you out of the apartment. you do the same thing with the men you meet, it' s pointless to have people try to help you here over and over again knowing you couldn't care less about their advice. you need therapy ASAP. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JasmineJones Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 So, I see a lot of projection going on. You're assigning meaning to certain things; him initiating all the time; him pursuing; him getting physically sick after breaking up with you. The problem with projection is that it's happening in YOUR mind. And projection is never reality; merely your own interpretation of things. Yes, he put in effort, but at the end of the day, it was a month. 30 days. It's kind of like a new job and the probation period. At the end of the trial period, it's either a fit, or it's not. Chemistry isn't something you work on as has been stated here many, many times. It's there or not. And the thing with chemistry, it can be one-sided. So where as you were on Cloud 9, he obviously wasn't. Great sex is just that. Great sex. Great sex doesn't go hand in hand with long-term relationship potential. There was a guy I was hooking up with years ago, best sex I've ever had. Was he relationship material for me? No. If this guy has only had long term relationships, I wouldn't say he's a commitmentphobe. I'd say he's someone who is very aware of where he's been, and where he's going. He knows what he's been with, he knows exactly what he wants, and he's not going to string you along just because he fears being alone, he's scared of hurting you, or he's bored. He also knows he would rather not waste his time or yours. You can't sit around putting blame on yourself thinking the what if's or woulda, coulda, shouldas. Letting him pursue also isn't a 100% fool-proof tactic for making a man lock you down either. I've seen some of the CRAZIEST bit*ches get locked down. Chasers, drama queens, literal lunatics. When you meet the guy who's INTO YOU, it's not going to matter what you do. It's not going to matter if you lean back, it's not going to matter if you chase, it's not going to matter how often you text, it's not going to matter if first time sex is godawful. He's still going to want to put in the effort to be with you and smooth out the initial awkwardness of a new relationship. Appreciate the month for what it's been. Take the lessons you learned with you. You obviously learned what kind of guy you'd really like to be with. Don't try to reach out and beg and plead and ask for more chances, that's really not attractive at all and it makes you look desperate and pathetic. The best thing you can do is just go away. Accept that he ended it with you, and move on with grace. You have a fantastic way with words :D:D 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Surprised to see a new thread about someone completely different :scratches head in confusion: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 (edited) I just read all of your other thread about your ex who never loved you and treated you as a roommate taking rent from you while seeing other girls. everything you said in that thread, you're saying now. tons of people have advised you to leave your ex alone, but you refused. Saying that for sure he must love you, even if he clearly told you he had no feelings for you. Until, HE kicked you out of the apartment. you do the same thing with the men you meet, it' s pointless to have people try to help you here over and over again knowing you couldn't care less about their advice. you need therapy ASAP. Agree, and wanted to add that rams, less than one month ago, you were still posting about your ex asking us what you could "do" to "make" him love you. Less than ONE MONTH ago. I am happy to hear you have moved on from him, at least I hope you have, but to jump right into what appears to be the same situation with a new guy? Yes you need therapy, but you already know that don't you. Wish you the best.... Edited October 18, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
JasmineJones Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 In my experience, if a guy wants you to leave him alone, his response would've been: 1) NO response to my text at all (most common) 2) something saying leave him alone 3) Reinforcing, "Listen, it's just not going to work out. I'm really sorry" In my mind, his response was encouraging! He's reinforcing that he cares a lot about me, and saying we should take a few days to think about htings and then we can talk -- to me that indicates he might be regretting what he said last night it's unfortunate that you have come to this conclusion. Link to post Share on other sites
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