KatZee Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 Well, it's true what they say. You can't help anyone who refuses to help themselves. And the first step to recovery is first admitting you have a problem. Rams, address these two points, and then worry about the rest. Change starts from within, no where else. Link to post Share on other sites
kassy Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 126 posts and Rams is I think unsurprisingly still saying the same things and in the first few posts. I didn't see your previous threads. I don't know why you ask for help, you don't want it. And I have no idea why so many people seem to want to hit their head against a brick wall trying to help you. Please, go and get therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Guyouthere Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 (edited) I CAN'T let it go. He seemed so truly happy up until the moment he regurgitated that staement, and after it, just keept looking at me seeming devastated and getting physically sick. How can I actually be worthless ot him??? I want to figure out what's really goign on! Maybe if I pursue caring about him and finding out what's really wrong, that'll convince him there really is a connection and i truly do care Im sorry to say,,,, you are living in a dream now. There are a lot of guys out there who look for a good woman, me included, and I have high standards for mine. You will need to do as I did, just forget it all. He isn't yours. Mine wasn't mine. I lost nearly 4000.00, also a nice diamond ring, and 6 months of my life to this last girl, all for her to have a new life and freedom that she would never have. Her family is still pursuing her to this day, even have the embassy calling my house assuming I would tell them where she is, which I will not do. I can't live my life wondering why she used me. I just know she did. Maybe your guy did the same, maybe he didn't. but it doesn't matter "why". Just live life. Good guys out there. I know God is saving me for someone special now. For me it is only a matter of time because I am a good looking guy who treats women with respect and love, and I am also stable and overall what I know women want. I don't waste time wondering and thinking this or that anymore. Nothing comes of it. You will find it out, as I did. Take my advice, I am serious here. Edited October 19, 2015 by Guyouthere Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Listen, I've been your age. Yes two years ago. Rams, you apparently are not only anxious but also love addicted. You need to start working on your self-esteem, so you can be someone without needing someone else for your basic needs. I am seriously shocked that you now are writing about this new guy like you wrote about your previous guy a month ago. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Yes two years ago. Rams, you apparently are not only anxious but also love addicted. You need to start working on your self-esteem, so you can be someone without needing someone else for your basic needs. I am seriously shocked that you now are writing about this new guy like you wrote about your previous guy a month ago. Out of everything I've written to Rams in this topic, this is what you picked out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 He was clearly very interested -- for a month he dated me, slept with me, came to visit me at work just to sit with me for an hour and talk, went to fun places with me. And after he made his comment about there's no deep connection and i cried and told him how much he means to me, that's when he got so upset and sick that he was sick in the bathroom. So I hope that today, when he said he does care a lot about me and we will talk after we both take a few days to think things through, he is rethinking stuff based on the new info of how I really feel and that it isn't as casual for me as he thought. Link to post Share on other sites
J21 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Hope you explain how you played it cool on purpose when you guys talk Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 don't you think I already conveyed how i felt pretty well last night? i was crying, saying I was being more closed off and casual because thats how HE seemed and I thought no problem with taking things slow, and I siad if he wanted a deep connection sooner, why didn't he try to open up more? and he looked so so sad and mad at himself, clenching fists saying " i don't know why i didn't, I don't know" Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 don't you think I already conveyed how i felt pretty well last night? i was crying, saying I was being more closed off and casual because thats how HE seemed and I thought no problem with taking things slow, and I siad if he wanted a deep connection sooner, why didn't he try to open up more? and he looked so so sad and mad at himself, clenching fists saying " i don't know why i didn't, I don't know" He ended it, case closed. Doesn't matter why, he wont get back to you. I am not sure what is the purpose of your thread? Link to post Share on other sites
pcs13 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 People are not gonna say what you want to hear so you better just leave the post OP. Link to post Share on other sites
KenpoGi Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 In situations like these, I suggest for you to learn how to communicate a misunderstanding. If you are not sure of what he is saying, ask meaningful questions. When he tells you the chemistry is not there, ask him "what do you mean by that?" Sometimes you also need to be firm with what you want. It has been over a month and you are strongly interested in him. Does he feel the same? These are things that need to be talked about between the two of you. The misinterpretations and hazy positions on both sides leave the respective other feelings unsure and confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Out of everything I've written to Rams in this topic, this is what you picked out? I was just adding some context. You have written some very good things to her that I hope Rams will be considering. But finding this thread left me dumbfounded with posting over more than hundred thirty reactions to her for over two months on what was happening with her and why these things had happened with her abusive boyfriend. She was convinced for over 30 pages that she did wanted to get back. until 27 September. Rams then suddenly wrote in past tense. Last week I asked how she was doing there, but she did not answer. So she tried to be light-hearted, I guess she avoided that mistake. But Rams, we can not pretend. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I think so. I'm hoping that me "playing it cool," acting the opposite of needy, is the reason he felt no "deep connection" -- and that once he saw me cry and I told him how much I really care for him, that changed things... And is the reason why today he's texting me back that he cares a lot about me, and we can talk after we both take a few days to think things through. Just because INSIDE your head you thought you were acting cool and detached DOESNT mean he wasn't getting your crazy, needy vibe - loud and clear. I can only HOPE this guy doesn't have a rabbit hutch in his backyard, a Dutch oven pot in his kitchen, and a daughter you can pull out of school and take to the amusement park. Ugh. And for what it's worth, he was just being kind when he said you can talk in a few days but you need to take a few days to think. He just didn't have the guts to tell you not to contact him anymore. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I was just adding some context. You have written some very good things to her that I hope Rams will be considering. But finding this thread left me dumbfounded with posting over more than hundred thirty reactions to her for over two months on what was happening with her and why these things had happened with her abusive boyfriend. She was convinced for over 30 pages that she did wanted to get back. until 27 September. Rams then suddenly wrote in past tense. Last week I asked how she was doing there, but she did not answer. So she tried to be light-hearted, I guess she avoided that mistake. But Rams, we can not pretend. There is apparently backstory regarding this poster. It goes beyond being love obsessed etc. Therapy would be the most beneficial course of action, gotta agree with the posts reiterating that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 I think it makes perfect sense for him to say we should both wait a few days to think things through before we talk again. After all, he said we had no "deep connection" but then for the first time I told him how much I cared, was emotionally vulnerable instead of cool and casual. So he may be regretting ending it and need time to think. People think he just doesn't have the guts to tell me to leave him alone. Um he could've just ignored my text or responded with "im sorry but there just isn't anything further to talk about." Not say he really does care about me and we can talk after we both think things over Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 He was clearly very interested -- for a month he dated me, slept with me, came to visit me at work just to sit with me for an hour and talk, went to fun places with me. And after he made his comment about there's no deep connection and i cried and told him how much he means to me, that's when he got so upset and sick that he was sick in the bathroom. So I hope that today, when he said he does care a lot about me and we will talk after we both take a few days to think things through, he is rethinking stuff based on the new info of how I really feel and that it isn't as casual for me as he thought. It doesn't sound like he got sick. It sounds like he was freaked out and uncomfortable with your crying, so he made an excuse to exit. I say that because you refuse to see what is so obvious. He's going to make the decision based on how he feels, not how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
J21 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 When are u gonna contact him rams? Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I think it makes perfect sense for him to say we should both wait a few days to think things through before we talk again. After all, he said we had no "deep connection" but then for the first time I told him how much I cared, was emotionally vulnerable instead of cool and casual. So he may be regretting ending it and need time to think. It DOESN'T make perfect sense. If he finally heard from you, what he had been waiting to hear, why the hell would he need "a few days" to think about it? Don't you get it? When a man wants to be with you, HE WILL! He will be shouting from the rooftops, climbing mountains. He won't be telling you it's not working and that he needs days away from you. And you keep spinning that hamster wheel in your brain trying to justify the fact that he didn't tell you to leave him alone. Didn't you read anything I posted? I had guys do the same thing to me! I had one very nice one never tell me to leave him alone, he still didn't want to be with me. You're setting yourself up for a hard fall and for serious disappointment. Stop the denial. Accept it. The sooner you do, the sooner you can work on yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 People think he just doesn't have the guts to tell me to leave him alone. Um he could've just ignored my text or responded with "im sorry but there just isn't anything further to talk about." Not say he really does care about me and we can talk after we both think things over Most guys who want to end a relationship will NOT say these things...hence, the popularity of the slow fade. Most people don't like confrontation and will avoid it at all costs. He's trying to be nice, and you're acting delusional. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 if he weren't reconsidering the idea of us having no "deep connection" after I was crying and actually finally told him how much he meant to me... Then I still think he would've said something like "I'm really sorry but there just isn't anything else for me to say. I wish you all the best" and then not respond anymore. Instead of the totally reasonable suggestion we should each take a few days to think through things before we talk again (which also makes sense since his family is now in town!) Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I've had more than one man cry whilst dumping me. They were just upset. We had grown close. None of them wanted me back....they were just sad to end things. And a deep connection and the right chemistry IS evident after a month. My boyfriend and I were smitten with each other and had ab absolutely explosive connection within the first two weeks or so........... When a guy says there's no connection, they definitely are not falling head over heels in love wth you........... Men who are enamoured with a woman don't need to mention a connection that's lacking. Oh and I also played it cool with my boyfriend. He still fell madly in love wth me? He just dealt with my coldness and aloofness I displayed initially by mirroring my actions : he never considered giving up just because I was reserved.......... Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 if he weren't reconsidering the idea of us having no "deep connection" after I was crying and actually finally told him how much he meant to me... Then I still think he would've said something like "I'm really sorry but there just isn't anything else for me to say. I wish you all the best" and then not respond anymore. Instead of the totally reasonable suggestion we should each take a few days to think through things before we talk again (which also makes sense since his family is now in town!) Again. Projecting. What YOU'D say in this situation, is obviously not what he'd say. Also, you're fully banking on talking to him again. In my opinion, he's trying to get you to go away by asking for a few days. I'll almost guarantee you that in a few days he won't even reach out to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 if he weren't reconsidering the idea of us having no "deep connection" after I was crying and actually finally told him how much he meant to me... Then I still think he would've said something like "I'm really sorry but there just isn't anything else for me to say. I wish you all the best" and then not respond anymore. Instead of the totally reasonable suggestion we should each take a few days to think through things before we talk again (which also makes sense since his family is now in town!) Honey, I hate to break it to you, but I personally have been too ....afraid of hurting someone and waffled on the EXACT same way this guy did. I also said the exact same things you guy said to you. And I had NO intention of getting back together with them. The reason some people aren't direct or blunt is because we feel bad. We dislike hurting people. We feel crappy that we are doing the rejection. ......... Furthermore, I have had men fly me interstate just to see them and spend thousands on me including hours talking to me on the phone and in person. When they had NO INTENTION of dating me seriously. .. I have had men do a lot more for me than go to my work and talk for an hour....when they felt no great connection. ....they just had physical chemistry with me and wanted sex. And they enjoyed my friendship enough to spend a lot of money and time on me.......... Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I had a thing with two guys earlier this year. ...in addition to the Irish guys who spent thousands on me yet had no intention of dating me...... The other two guys also spent money on me and spent hours and HOURS with me.....without sex. They both LOVED just chilling with me without any sex........ And neither guy wanted to date me. They both considered it initially due to the sexual chemistry. ..which was strong in both cases.......... but alas....one of them was mentally screwed and not able to date. And the other one lacked a romantic connection and it was just intense chemistry and friend ship (nothing deep) What more evidence do you require in order to accept that this dude just doesn't want to date you?! Yes he may have been into you to begin with. Who knows? The thing to grasp here is that he doesn't want to be together with you....... Men go through hell and high water in order to be with the one they love. My ex lived four hours away. My current lives 2 hours away. My friends long term partner was not looking for a relationship and was avoiding commitment due to breaking up wth his fiancé ....yet he met my friend and fell head over heels for her ! And trust me, he was very anti relationship and was avoiding dating at all costs and was being a man whore.......yet his breath was taken away when he met my friend. He went against what he wanted because she was an exception. ....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 So I guess I wonder how to be that girl the guy is smitten with... Instead of the one whom he thinks is really hot, enjoys hanging out and getting food and sleeping together, but doesn't take seriously?! Because I have an extremely successful career, am very smart, have my head on straight, value family and religion... The only thing I can imagine I did "wrong" w this man is being too aloof, making him initiate most of our dates and texting. Which is why I've been convinced that expressing how much he meant to me the other night will "fix" it Link to post Share on other sites
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