JasmineJones Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 If you think the OP will not read your response, why reply at all? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 Rams there probably is also something off with him . Like maybe he is emotionally unavailable/messed up? Bc he seemed happy and then almost robotically declared "we don't have a deep connection," then I cried and said "you know, you actually really Mean a lot to me" etc, and then he kept Looking me Right in the eyes and looking about to cry and getting sick in bathroom in the middle of a sentence about how he doesn't know why he didn't do better job of trying to foster a deeper connection himself. And then afterward saying he does care about Me "even if it's hard to believe that now" and saying well talk but should both take a few days to process things first. Is this normal? Because he was saying "deep connection" yet acted casual himself most of the month. Link to post Share on other sites
J21 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Oh stop it. No one here is bullying her. Not even a little bit. When you come here for advice, sometimes you get coddled, other times, you get the tough love. She has created thread after thread of this same problem. Asking how she can change, how can she be different, how to stop making the same mistakes, how to get men to love her. She has gotten GREAT advice, her choosing to ignore it and disregard it is of course, her choice. But when you create thread after thread, you get the veteran members on here really starting to have their patience wane thin. 99.9% of the members on this site are not bullies. They genuinely want to help people, and they spend their own free time giving great advice to those who seek it. When you have a member who spins down the same path, disregarding all help, refusing help, refusing to see what is right in front of them, some members really start to feel that their time is being wasted. But no one here is ganging up on her to "judge her." We are all genuinely trying to help. And advice of: Do whatever you wanna do, is extremely counter productive to her getting well. Ok fair enough. I did not read the OP's other threads (nor do I want to really dig through it). I was merely posting in regard to this one particular thread and everyone seemed so frustrated she won't list to the advice given. I still feel bad for OP though, I wish you can find someone that likes you just for who you are. Without all the silly games, guess work and what not. Are you gonna contact him? If so, when? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JasmineJones Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Rams, what are you hoping to get from this situation? What is your ideal outcome? What is so great about this guy anyway? What makes him better than a replacement who could just commit to you without pushing you away? Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 If you think the OP will not read your response, why reply at all? I have asked myself this many times, and I stopped responding at one point. Other than the fact that I was dumbfounded to see this thread, I really don't know why I responded this time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Guyouthere Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I have asked myself this many times, and I stopped responding at one point. Other than the fact that I was dumbfounded to see this thread, I really don't know why I responded this time. We respond because many of us are caring people and still want to try to help her, but she has to want to help herself, and it doesnt appear as though she is capable of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 Unclear why people default to me "needing help " instead of thinkjng perhaps I did everything just fine over the last month, he really likes me but has his own issues to work through , hence the strange interaction the other night and now telling me he does really care for me and we'll talk after taking time to think things through Link to post Share on other sites
Guyouthere Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Unclear why people default to me "needing help " instead of thinkjng perhaps I did everything just fine over the last month, he really likes me but has his own issues to work through , hence the strange interaction the other night and now telling me he does really care for me and we'll talk after taking time to think things through well, ill make it clear,,,, so it is clear.. we are all saying here that you are obsessed, and need to can it, for your own good. all the best to you, for real. we wish you healing. Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I have asked myself this many times, and I stopped responding at one point. Other than the fact that I was dumbfounded to see this thread, I really don't know why I responded this time. Others might glean relationship assistance from a similar situation the OP has experienced ...albeit this thread has gone on a long time. Rams we only have your perspective on your behavior with this guy the past month but at least it does sound like you've changed some behaviors while in the relationship ...albeit I see him as another emotionally unavailable guy just nicer than the last one ...just up your game when exiting a relationship. I think some had said to tell the guy "well I enjoyed my time and wish you well". This is for a short term relationship obviously. Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 But there WAS chemistry, he was very into the sex, you can't fake that... And yet he'd also do things like come visit me at work just to sit wth me for an hour and hold my hand. This was such an abrupt, generic announcement in the midst of a great night last night, followed by him being so upset that he physically got himself sick?? I'm sorry. You are not in his head and you can't *know* anything about how he's feeling. I'm sorry you felt such a strong connection, but that he didn't share it. Them's the brakes. Link to post Share on other sites
morrowrd Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 hmmmm, give him space. I think he knows you're a good thing. Let him think about it a bit, don't invade his space but be available. Wait and see. Sometimes things aren't as bad as they seem. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/501695-when-rains-pours-48.html#post6520719 Rams ...read post 711 for inspiration. This is how a guy acts when he's crazy about you. It took the poster a while before she found someone like this and hopefully it works out. Seriously though ...when guys are into you ...they'll do anything ...I've experienced it several times ... If I don't feel it I'm outta there ...no thank you ...goodbye. You deserve good love:) Link to post Share on other sites
Guyouthere Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/501695-when-rains-pours-48.html#post6520719 Rams ...read post 711 for inspiration. This is how a guy acts when he's crazy about you. It took the poster a while before she found someone like this and hopefully it works out. Seriously though ...when guys are into you ...they'll do anything ...I've experienced it several times ... If I don't feel it I'm outta there ...no thank you ...goodbye. You deserve good love:) well, almost anything. You won't see me robbing a bank for a woman… Not unless she drives the getaway car 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 rams, there is no point in speculating what he meant. All you can do is go on with your life and IF and when he decides to reach out, listen to what he has to say and take it from there.... Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 (edited) Like maybe he is emotionally unavailable/messed up? Bc he seemed happy and then almost robotically declared "we don't have a deep connection," then I cried and said "you know, you actually really Mean a lot to me" etc, and then he kept Looking me Right in the eyes and looking about to cry and getting sick in bathroom in the middle of a sentence about how he doesn't know why he didn't do better job of trying to foster a deeper connection himself. And then afterward saying he does care about Me "even if it's hard to believe that now" and saying well talk but should both take a few days to process things first. Is this normal? Because he was saying "deep connection" yet acted casual himself most of the month. Rams it is very hard to judge for me as I do not know the dynamic between you two. There are men who are very happy to engage in meaningless sex, avoidant men find that easier. But still it is hard to say. What I can say though is that we are most of the time attracted to what is familiar to us on a unconcious level. That means most of the time that we recreate certain things what we knew when we were young: most of the time the dynamic between our parents. My parents were not always emotionally there. I also had to join in taking care of my mother when she was ill when I was a teenager. This has made - as I discovered - that I often feel chemistry with people who are not the best choices for me. I think it is safe to say, that your feelers (can you say that in English?) also have misguided you with your former lovers. So if you felt chemistry with this last guy chances are also great that he (again) was avoidant and probably not good news. Couple that with the fact that you are used to working hard and wait endlessly just as with your mother, while others here and perhaps friends describe those behaviours as rude. It needs a refocus of boundaries and knowing what others perceive as a healthy balance. That is quit hard to find out as you need good models for that. But perhaps you know people with such a relationship? Edited October 20, 2015 by Itspointless Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 So if you felt chemistry with this last guy changes are also great that he (again) was avoidant and probably not good news. Yes, I am quite sure that I was attracted to him because he didn't seem very emotional or the type to be super into someone, fawning all over them. In fact he was arrogant and would make callous comments about people beneath him at work sometimes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Unclear why people default to me "needing help " instead of thinkjng perhaps I did everything just fine over the last month, he really likes me but has his own issues to work through , hence the strange interaction the other night and now telling me he does really care for me and we'll talk after taking time to think things through rams, as you must know, words mean jack shyt if not followed up by actions. He can "say" anything he wants, whether those words are true or not, time will tell. You act like no man ever lied to you before, geez. Anyway, like I said before, all you can do is live your life and if and when he contacts you, take it from there... Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. You only dated him one month, if this doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world, there WILL be other men. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Share Posted October 20, 2015 hmmmm, give him space. I think he knows you're a good thing. Let him think about it a bit, don't invade his space but be available. Wait and see. Sometimes things aren't as bad as they seem. Good luck Thanks, how do you suggest I go about this? He suggested a few days for us both to think about things before we talk- and these few days are when his family's in town. Should I wait a whole week maybe? And then say what? Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Thanks, how do you suggest I go about this? He suggested a few days for us both to think about things before we talk- and these few days are when his family's in town. Should I wait a whole week maybe? And then say what? Do nothing. The ball is in HIS court. IF he wants to talk, HE knows where to find you. In the meantime, you go on with your life. If you're OLD, continue with that. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. HE was the one who initially said he wants OUT. HE needs to be the one to tell you he wants back IN. Should that be the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Yes, I am quite sure that I was attracted to him because he didn't seem very emotional or the type to be super into someone, fawning all over them. In fact he was arrogant and would make callous comments about people beneath him at work sometimes. That is an important thing to see and learn to recognize. It also means that we have to get to know ourselves to learn how to do things different. This is also why we recommend therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Yes, I am quite sure that I was attracted to him because he didn't seem very emotional or the type to be super into someone, fawning all over them. In fact he was arrogant and would make callous comments about people beneath him at work sometimes. Yay!! You're starting to realize your pattern. Now do a little paradigm shift ...by recognizing these types ...while recognizing what you want in a healthy relationship and only get involved with those who possess those qualities. I truly think you're stepped out of the vortex!! Even if this guy calls you ...do you want him? Does he have good qualities? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Thanks, how do you suggest I go about this? He suggested a few days for us both to think about things before we talk- and these few days are when his family's in town. Should I wait a whole week maybe? And then say what? I'd wait till he showed me he was totally into me and he can and will maintain that forward momentum. You deserve good love rams!!! Don't accept anything but ...and be able to recognize the posers. Be able to recognize the good guys ...they try so hard ...there's nothing more adorable than a man in love! Link to post Share on other sites
Guyouthere Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 well, almost anything. You won't see me robbing a bank for a woman… Not unless she drives the getaway car You got a license and a lead foot? hehehe Link to post Share on other sites
Guyouthere Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 That is an important thing to see and learn to recognize. It also means that we have to get to know ourselves to learn how to do things different. This is also why we recommend therapy. Making comments like that about people at work can be a sign of narcissism. I just learned the signs rather recently, wish I had known this all sooner. It is never good to belittle anyone for any reason. It can, and often does, turn someone nice into someone who resents you for it, and that in itself will lead to other issues. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Making comments like that about people at work can be a sign of narcissism. I just learned the signs rather recently, wish I had known this all sooner. It is never good to belittle anyone for any reason. It can, and often does, turn someone nice into someone who resents you for it, and that in itself will lead to other issues. Yes, and we also talked with Rams how her ex had huge signs of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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