"No Connection" after an awesome month???

[Guyouthere]

Yes, and we also talked with Rams how her ex had huge signs of it.

 

All of the guidance I have read up on indicates that a relationship with a true narcissist will drain the individual attempting to love them. I can attest to this.

 

Unfortunately I didn't know what I was dealing with until that gut feeling told me to search for answers to what i had experienced. It then all became very clear, going down the checklists, etc.

 

This might very well be part of her problem too,,,, these people have a very intricate method of using others. I certainly learned from my experience, and I say "never again".

 

Narcissists by their nature can't love another, because they only serve their own ego, and it is a very powerful force within, and something that can't be corrected.

[rams10]

I'm just hoping that after we both take a few days to think things over as he suggested (and also once his family leaves town), he will come to realize that I actually do have feelings for him, actually do really care, and maybe it'll work out after all.

[StBreton]

I'm just hoping that after we both take a few days to think things over as he suggested (and also once his family leaves town), he will come to realize that I actually do have feelings for him, actually do really care, and maybe it'll work out after all.

 

I hope if it does he treats you very very well ...and if he doesn't you'll kick him to the curb.

 

You going to any Halloween parties? Doing anything fun this week to take your mind off things?

[katiegrl]

I'm just hoping that after we both take a few days to think things over as he suggested (and also once his family leaves town), he will come to realize that I actually do have feelings for him, actually do really care, and maybe it'll work out after all.

 

I don't think him thinking you didn't care was (is) the problem rams.

 

The problem is HE does not feel emotionally connected, him knowing how much you care is NOT going to change that.

 

I know you think it will, but it won't.

 

Look, he was behaving very distant with you too! He never called you, only texted you sporadically .... you even said you felt if you had not texted him first, he could go for long periods without contact!

 

So what did he expect?

 

IMO HE is emotionally damaged, it actually has nothing to do with you!

 

Why would you even want someone like him? He's a disaster as Donald Trump would say ...lol.

 

Don't you think you deserve a man who adores you? In every way, not just sex?

[Blanco]

I honestly think this thread should be closed. OP is either inconsiderate of everyone's time or she has been running one of the better long cons in this forum's history.

 

She's got two other threads, more than 400 and 500 posts, respectively, and now this one, which is well over 200 posts. And they ALL follow the same formula of OP disregarding anything anyone says. You could read the first and last pages of each of these massive threads and find that literally nothing has been accomplished.

[ExpatInItaly]

I honestly think this thread should be closed. OP is either inconsiderate of everyone's time or she has been running one of the better long cons in this forum's history.

 

She's got two other threads, more than 400 and 500 posts, respectively, and now this one, which is well over 200 posts. And they ALL follow the same formula of OP disregarding anything anyone says. You could read the first and last pages of each of these massive threads and find that literally nothing has been accomplished.

 

This. I'm also fairly certain I've seen other similar threads on another forum, I'm sure by the same person. Kind of pointless now to keep it going.

[Itspointless]

Hm no, Rams does not disregard everything. Wanting to hear the same answers again and again to relieve anxiety and clinging on to what you like to hear also for relieving anxiety are both sign of anxious attachment. When ten people say no this is a lost cause and one person says yes you might be right ...

[Leigh 87]

Don't worry about people here, Rams, this guy sounds totally into you and he obviously just needed you to act like you care more. I am sure once he saw you cry, tha certainly changed his mind. ...

 

He is definitely acting like a man who's really into a woman; I mean spending an HOUR ....an entire hour at your work without even being able to have sex with you MUST mean that he's positively besotted with you...........

[Itspointless]

That is a bit mean Leigh, if Rams where to go to therapy the fact that she thinks she needs to show more caring would in fact be something therapists would work on with her: replacing distorted (false) believes about oneself and others.

[Leigh 87]

Rams, you totally need to call the guy! After a few days he'll be ready to talk. He'll probably get back together with you by the sounds of things.

 

Call him once his family leave; you'll get your answer ( that he's crazy about you and wants to date you and he's so sorry for saying he wanted to end it)

[Leigh 87]

That is a bit mean Leigh, if Rams where to go to therapy the fact that she thinks she needs to show more caring would in fact be something therapists would work on with her: replacing distorted (false) believes about oneself and others.

 

She needs tough love.

 

Go look at my prior threads when I was trying to convince the forum that my ex who regularly had sex with hookers and put me down, loved me.

 

Everyone told me he was bad news; he didn't want to put "labels" on us after 5 months. ...he wasn't that into me .

 

I did not listen. I wish I had. My self esteem is still being built up again two years later.

 

Chasing men who just aren't into you is very very detrimental......to your psych..... not to mention the men think you're psycho.

 

I am telling Rams what she WANTS to hear. Why? Because she will then call him and see for herself that he isn't remotely into her!

[rams10]

 

Look, he was behaving very distant with you too! He never called you, only texted you sporadically .... you even said you felt if you had not texted him first, he could go for long periods without contact!

 

So what did he expect?

 

IMO HE is emotionally damaged, it actually has nothing to do with you!

?

 

Thank you Katie for these thoughts, as I'd been wondering the same. I told him he'd seemed so casual and asked why, if he was so bent on needing a deeper connection after just a month, he'd done nothing to make one. He just said "I don't know," and looked more and more upset w himself, just staring into my eyes, eventually getting sick. We know from my last ex that I go for men who are great on paper, successful, arrogant, not that Into me and who certainly don't "need" me, where I feel I have to work to "earn" them among (in my mind) their many other options. So here I am, with a guy who tells me that weird statement out of the blue, and now says we'll talk after taking a few days to "think things over" and he really does care about me. This makes zero sense and I wonder if maybe HE is more the problem than I am

[BLND]

Thank you Katie for these thoughts, as I'd been wondering the same. I told him he'd seemed so casual and asked why, if he was so bent on needing a deeper connection after just a month, he'd done nothing to make one. He just said "I don't know," and looked more and more upset w himself, just staring into my eyes, eventually getting sick. We know from my last ex that I go for men who are great on paper, successful, arrogant, not that Into me and who certainly don't "need" me, where I feel I have to work to "earn" them among (in my mind) their many other options. So here I am, with a guy who tells me that weird statement out of the blue, and now says we'll talk after taking a few days to "think things over" and he really does care about me. This makes zero sense and I wonder if maybe HE is more the problem than I am

 

 

no sweetie you have a problem as well. you go for the same type who never likes you back.

and by the way, how is ''men who are great on paper, successful, arrogant, not that Into me and who certainly don't "need" me'' really great on paper??

[Itspointless]

I did not listen. I wish I had. My self esteem is still being built up again two years later.

 

Chasing men who just aren't into you is very very detrimental......to your psych..... not to mention the men think you're psycho.

 

I am telling Rams what she WANTS to hear. Why? Because she will then call him and see for herself that he isn't remotely into her!

Thank you for explaining Leigh, appreciate that. I do doubt if Rams picks up from your message what you mean to say though.

[rams10]

I just know we both really liked each other, and I thought it was pretty unrealistic for him to want some "deep connection" after only w month when he'd been treating things so casually himself. He seemed guarded and standoffish. So that's why I'm hoping that by making my true feelings known and how much I care, now he thinks we should take a few days to think about things before talking because he is rethinking everything

[Odinani]

She needs tough love.

 

Go look at my prior threads when I was trying to convince the forum that my ex who regularly had sex with hookers and put me down, loved me.

 

Everyone told me he was bad news; he didn't want to put "labels" on us after 5 months. ...he wasn't that into me .

 

I did not listen. I wish I had. My self esteem is still being built up again two years later.

 

Chasing men who just aren't into you is very very detrimental......to your psych..... not to mention the men think you're psycho.

 

I am telling Rams what she WANTS to hear. Why? Because she will then call him and see for herself that he isn't remotely into her!

 

Are you saying that your ex had sex with prostitutes while he was in a relationship with you?

[Leigh 87]

Are you saying that your ex had sex with prostitutes while he was in a relationship with you?

 

Yep. He said it was "natural" for men to want "variety ":sick:

 

And there I was, on loveshack, not listening when people told m he wasn't that into me, and telling everyone that " he must be crazy about me"

 

I've been in the OPs shoes. People sugar coating things sure didn't help me; their tough love approach worked in the end.

[Odinani]

Yep. He said it was "natural" for men to want "variety ":sick:

 

And there I was, on loveshack, not listening when people told m he wasn't that into me, and telling everyone that " he must be crazy about me"

 

I've been in the OPs shoes. People sugar coating things sure didn't help me; their tough love approach worked in the end.

 

What a horrible man! I am so glad you are no longer with him.

 

[Mrin]

Hey rams10!

 

I can't say i've read every post in this thread but I have read much of them. I'm not going to chime in on the day by day play by play. Rather I just wanted to offer this as a bit of context on how you can think about what happened and what is going to happened as it sounds like this isn't quite over.

 

This is sort of abstract but stick with me here for a second. I want you to get a piece of paper and draw two circles on it. The first circle I want you to label "What Happened". The second circle I want you to label "My Story". Now I want you to write down just the facts in the What Happened circle. Just the empirical facts. Here, i'll start:

 

What Happened

- You dated a month

- You went out on a date

- You had a lot of fun

- He broke up with you and said there wasn't the deep connection he was seeking

 

Now, everything else goes into the My Story circle. I'll toss in a few:

 

My Story

- You were too aloof and didn't share your feelings

- He is scared of his feelings and emotionally damaged

- He doesn't know how much you actually cared

..... go ahead, fill in the rest. Event the stuff that is at odds with other stuff in here....

 

Listen, the My Story circle isn't wrong. Or false. Or anything really - except what meaning you give to the things that are in the What Happened circle. Seriously, there is nothing wrong with the My Story circle. We all have one - it is what makes us humans. But I want you to realize something, the stuff in the What Happened circle is 100% outside of your control. You can't change any of that. But the stuff in you My Story circle is 100% in your control. They're all stories that give meaning to what is in the What Happened circle. For each, consider asking yourself, "does this story serve me?" Is it helping you? Or is it holding you back. If it is holding you back or not serving you, perhaps consider just letting it go. Consider just holding onto the stories that do serve you. I have one for you to try on if you'd like.

 

- I really enjoyed my time with him and am thankful for the experience

Here's another

 

- I learned that in the future I will be more transparent with my feelings so that we both can grow (or not) knowing exactly where we stand with each other

 

I think both of those stories serve you and are helpful. You might want to focus on those and maybe let some of the others go.

 

Just a suggestion.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

Edited October 20, 2015 by Mrin

[rams10]

That's a good idea, for me to reflect.. It just doesn't make much sense that we dated for a month, he was the one who was pretty closed off and reserved yet kept wanting to see me, yet after a nice dinner together suddenly tells

Me there's no "deep Connection" - from a guy who definitely seemed to want to keep things light!- and then seemed horribly sad and even sick after I actually expressed my feelings to him. So confusing..,, so he says we should take a few days to think things through before talking? Why? What'll I even say to him?!

[kassy]

He doesn't want to talk to you again... He was just being polite and hoping you will never contact him.

 

If he realized he made a mistake he would have contacted you long before now to try and get you back.

 

You are going to call I'm sure and he'll try and be nice and let you down easy and you will take it as he still has feelings for you. You will keep pestering him until you force him to be an ******* so you get the point.

 

Just get over it already. HE DOESN'T WANT TO DATE YOU!

[ExpatInItaly]

That's a good idea, for me to reflect.. It just doesn't make much sense that we dated for a month, he was the one who was pretty closed off and reserved yet kept wanting to see me, yet after a nice dinner together suddenly tells

Me there's no "deep Connection" - from a guy who definitely seemed to want to keep things light!- and then seemed horribly sad and even sick after I actually expressed my feelings to him. So confusing..,, so he says we should take a few days to think things through before talking? Why? What'll I even say to him?!

 

Honestly? Because he's hoping you'll take the hint and leave him alone. He's too polite to be blunt with you. But girl, don't embarrass yourself.

 

He's not into you.

[Itspointless]

Honestly? Because he's hoping you'll take the hint and leave him alone. He's too polite to be blunt with you. But girl, don't embarrass yourself.

 

He's not into you.

I rather have people blunt with me than those awful shady sentences almost everyone (in general) thinks is normal. If I were into someone I secretly would hope the same as Rams, but unfortunately I know that these things don't go this way as people usually mask their real negative reasons.

[Itspointless]

Rams I want to recommend you a book that is really helping me putting a lot of things in perspective: 'Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again' By the psychologists Young and Klosko. Please buy and read the chapters you think that might be useful to you. If you earn six figures you wont even miss the 11 eleven dollars that it costs for you in America. Please read it.

Edited October 21, 2015 by Itspointless

[rams10]

Thanks for the book recommendation. I will look into it the next time I actually have a day off...

I still think if he wanted to let me

Down easily he wouldn't have responded that we can talk in a few days after we both think things over... Most people are all about pulling the fade OR he could've said "I'm really sorry but there's nothing more to talk about from my standpoint."