Itspointless Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 There has been SO MUCH valuable, extremely well-thought out advice given in this thread. She has not listened to any of it. Sadly, I doubt she will listen to yours either... One has to want help before they can be helped. Hi Hippychick, thank you for your response to me. Yes, I agree with you on that it wasn't a sneer (is that spelled right (?) English is my second language being from Europe) to people here! And yes I am afraid that you are right. Asking the same thing again and again is fitting for anxious people. Getting the answer than is relieving for a short while. I recognize that as I can be a bit anxious too sometimes. Therefore it would be better for her to find a forum or group where people with the same experiences post and answer, as most people do not like telling the same thing again and again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 What can I say to potentially improve things? Maybe he's scared of emotional intimacy; he kind of acted that way, and casual... Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 What can I say to potentially improve things? Maybe he's scared of emotional intimacy; he kind of acted that way, and casual... Guuuurrll ... c'mon. Now you are kinda contradicting yourself. First you say you you played it too cool with him at the beginning, and now you're saying he's scared of emotional intimacy. What exactly has got you having second thoughts about this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 maybe he's just scared of commitment bc that night's dinner was the first time we'd talked (albeit in vague terms, about our general attitudes, not "us") about topics like where he thought he might want to live in the country eventually, his views on marriage when you're younger vs in 30s, etc. and I mentioned that I've done a long distance relationship before and was cool with it (previously he's asked and I told him 'll be traveling a lot For work over a 10-month period starting next summer). I didn't talk about that in reference to HIM but did mention it. All these topics came up on their own in conversation over dinner and wine but who knows. Anyhow, if he didn't care about me then he'd ignore my texts or say "I'm sorry but I have nothing further to say." Not ask me, when I told him I'm busy/out of town Till next week, if it's ok if we wait to talk till I'm back 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 maybe he's just scared of commitment bc that night's dinner was the first time we'd talked (albeit in vague terms, about our general attitudes, not "us") about topics like where he thought he might want to live in the country eventually, his views on marriage when you're younger vs in 30s, etc. and I mentioned that I've done a long distance relationship before and was cool with it (previously he's asked and I told him 'll be traveling a lot For work over a 10-month period starting next summer). I didn't talk about that in reference to HIM but did mention it. All these topics came up on their own in conversation over dinner and wine but who knows. Nope, nope, nope. Rams, he does not see a connection with you. That hasn't changed; if it had, he would have told you. Think about it: he told you he didn't see a connection, you responded by talking about how deep your feelings were. Of course he was upset. Very few people are legitimately afraid of commitment. In most cases---and I'm wagering this case too---the person in question simply hasn't met someone they like enough for a deeper commitment. This guy doesn't feel a connection to you, therefore he doesn't want to talk to you or pursue the relationship further. Anyhow, if he didn't care about me then he'd ignore my texts or say "I'm sorry but I have nothing further to say." Not ask me, when I told him I'm busy/out of town Till next week, if it's ok if we wait to talk till I'm back He is trying to break this to you gently without hurting your feelings. He did not ask you to talk. YOU reached out to HIM, obviously desperate to talk about it, and he tried to put you off some more. An interested man would have told you he was looking forward to seeing you again, missed you, etc. This guy is hoping if he keeps putting you off you will get the hint and leave him be. The fact that you haven't is a problem. He rejected you and you wouldn't accept it. I think after your last conversation he realized you are probably very fragile---I'm not trying to be a jerk, I'm just saying that's how it appears---and he wants to let you down gently without causing you further distress. Do you know what happens when a guy dates a girl for a month, is interested in her, but then has to leave on a faraway business trip? He emails her. He calls her. He texts her George Michael lyrics. I know this because my boyfriend did all these things and more when he went out of town. I never once doubted his interest because he never let me. It only seems normal to be so uncertain because it's been so long since you've dated someone who truly cares. The right man for you won't leave you wondering how he really feels. This isn't the right man. Please don't force him to get ugly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BLND Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Can't believe this thread is still continuing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mattelipstick Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 You could've nterpreted me noting my busy schedule as "im trying to not make our convo happen" Um, no. You know what someone who was NOT trying to make the convo happen would do? They wouldn't contact the other person at all -- you know, the way he didn't contact you. You reaching out and running down your schedule when he didn't even ask you or reach out -- that is a super obvious HEY I'M STILL HERE! And of course a decent person would say, sure let's connect when you're back.... because he KNEW that's why you were giving him your schedule unprompted. He's not dumb. You really have to stop with the "If he wasn't interested, he wouldn't say ____." Took a peek at your last thread and it was full of "If my ex didn't want me back, he wouldn't say ____." But it turned out he didn't. You can't take random words/actions and automatically extrapolate them to your desired outcome. It just doesn't work that way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 Hmmm. I do see your points. They make sense. I am just all too familiar with guys pulling the fade- completely stopping contact with me, not bothering to respond to my texts and the lack of response is how you know it's over. Or my ex, he'd say he had nothing left To say and then commence ignoring me for days. This guy could've never responded again- let it die-'if he never wanted to see me again... Or say "I don't honestly know what else I have to say, us getting together to talk isn't a good idea" Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Different guys do the "fade out" in different ways. It doesn't make the fade any less. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Hmmm. I do see your points. They make sense. I am just all too familiar with guys pulling the fade- completely stopping contact with me, not bothering to respond to my texts and the lack of response is how you know it's over. Or my ex, he'd say he had nothing left To say and then commence ignoring me for days. This guy could've never responded again- let it die-'if he never wanted to see me again... Or say "I don't honestly know what else I have to say, us getting together to talk isn't a good idea" All any of that means is that he is nicer and more sensitive than the previous douchebags you were involved with....that's all. If he wanted to work things out, HE would have contacted you. Not the other way around. Frankly I am shocked, appalled at your refusal to accept the reality of the situation. It is just so obvious he doesn't want to be with you....has he initiated ONE text to you since ending it? No! You dated him one month, not one year for heaven's sake, your reaction is way over the top, not "normal" and not healthy. How do you improve things? There neither "was" nor "is" anything to improve. He never even called you while you were dating for crying out loud! He's not into you, move the hell on already. It was only a month!! Sheesh! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mattelipstick Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Hmmm. I do see your points. They make sense. I am just all too familiar with guys pulling the fade- completely stopping contact with me, not bothering to respond to my texts and the lack of response is how you know it's over. Or my ex, he'd say he had nothing left To say and then commence ignoring me for days. This guy could've never responded again- let it die-'if he never wanted to see me again... Or say "I don't honestly know what else I have to say, us getting together to talk isn't a good idea" Sure, he could've never responded again. But listen -- I'm not sure how old you are, but this is a lesson you should learn now. Some people will ALWAYS respond, even if they don't want to be with you or have no intention of following through. And I hate to make this a gender thing... but I see it moreso with men, who seem to have a terrible time being seen as the bad guy / hurting a woman's feelings. The underlying truth here is simple. He knew he was going out of town for the weekend. YOU knew he was going out of town for the weekend. If he'd really wanted to talk to you before he left, he would have contacted you. He did not. And because you reached out to nudge him, you'll never know if he would've contacted you on his own. I sort of doubt that you'll take this advice, but I WOULD NOT contact him after the weekend. You already ran down your schedule, so he knows when you're free. The ball is totally, utterly and completely in his court. If he wants to talk to you, he will contact you -- the same way you contacted him because you still want to talk. And if the outcome of the talk is, "I've thought it over and I think it's best to go our separate ways," do not argue with him. Say you understand, wish him well, and walk away. THEN you call a friend and cry or come here or whatever -- but don't compromise your dignity by begging. Again, don't know how old you are -- but this will probably not be the last time you have this experience. It sucks, but it happens (fairly frequently). You have to have a tougher skin and the ability to accept rejection without taking it so incredibly personally if you plan on dating as an adult. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 So everyone's quick to say he's just a "nice guy" Instead of that I'm actually worth being with and he actually Might be seeing that. Ok. Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 So everyone's quick to say he's just a "nice guy" Instead of that I'm actually worth being with and he actually Might be seeing that. Ok. But that's the point, Rams. You ARE worthy of being with. Right? Let me say that again. You ARE worthy of being with, which is why we're trying to get you to let go of this one person. Because he probably does not SEE that value. Maybe he does. Hallelujah, wouldn't that be an early Christmas miracle. But REGARDLESS of what this ONE MAN thinks, yes you ARE worthy. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Hmmm. I do see your points. They make sense. I am just all too familiar with guys pulling the fade- completely stopping contact with me, not bothering to respond to my texts and the lack of response is how you know it's over. Or my ex, he'd say he had nothing left To say and then commence ignoring me for days. This guy could've never responded again- let it die-'if he never wanted to see me again... Or say "I don't honestly know what else I have to say, us getting together to talk isn't a good idea" Give him time rams, if you keep this shyt up, he'll get to that point too. No doubt! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mattelipstick Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 So everyone's quick to say he's just a "nice guy" Instead of that I'm actually worth being with and he actually Might be seeing that. Ok. This would be a logical train of thought if he'd actually contacted you. ETA: You seem to be stuck on thinking this situation is something that only happened/happens to you. IT HAPPENS TO EVERYBODY. Young, old, male, female, fat, skinny, tall, short, black, white, whatever. Everybody will meet someone, have a seemingly great connection and have the other person break it off. It happens. It doesn't mean you aren't worthy of love. It means you are human and living a normal life where relationships are concerned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
La Trese Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 I'd been dating a guy for a month. we could talk for hours, started off as fun witty banter but later learned we aligned on important issues (values, career) too. Had sex after 3rd date and it was awesome, it was clear from his reactions that I completely blew his mind and the chemistry Was there. I let him set the pace and this past week he wanted to hang out multiple times, even came to visit me at work where he got nothing out of it (sex), just sitting and talking with me for an hour and holding my hand. So last night we go out to dinner and have a greAt time as usual . We get back to his place and he says "we need to talk about us." I say "sure what about?" He goes "I don't think this is working out, I think we are both looking for the same thing but, the connection just isn't there. And I really like you and want it to work out but I've only been in long term relationships before, and I don't know, I was just looking for that same deep connection and I don't think this is it." I started crying, and he kept just locking eyes w me and looking devastated, and I said "you can't magically expect a super deep connection after a month, you have to work at it a bit, why didn't you do that?" And he just looked like mad at himself, saying "I don't know! I don't know why I didn't!" Then got so upset and sad that he literally went into the bathroom to get sick. I had no warning of this coming even in the slightest. Some people expect way too much out of dating in terms of a connection.Like they expect it to be like the titanic during the first date or expect to confess their deepest darkest secrets and bind over it lol. These people end up being disappointed when they realize nothing works out that way and deep connections like that take years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 Right, that's what I was trying to tell this guy!! That it takes time. Maybe when we're both back in town and we Talk I'll be happy with the outcome Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Right, that's what I was trying to tell this guy!! That it takes time. Maybe when we're both back in town and we Talk I'll be happy with the outcome Wow jams, you sure know how to spin an intriguing story, I'll give you that. I mean, this one's s real nail-biter, I can't wait to find out what happens! You have left us all with quite a cliffhanger. Wow. Will you be contacting him next week or were you planning to wait for him? I think you should contact him so we can put an end this mystery. Please keep us posted and good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 When I said I'll be super busy, he asked if its ok for us to talk once I'm back in town. So next week I guess I'll ask "when would be a good time for you to talk?" And take it from there. But what will I say in this convo? No idea, need ideas Link to post Share on other sites
siriusp Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 When I said I'll be super busy, he asked if its ok for us to talk once I'm back in town. So next week I guess I'll ask "when would be a good time for you to talk?" And take it from there. But what will I say in this convo? No idea, need ideas You could say 'I know the last time we spoke you said you didn't want to continue with me - have you changed your mind'? Or: you could forget about him and let him get on with his life. I do not understand why you keep saying 'but he got sick'.... People get sick all the time - that doesn't mean it has anything to do with you. Do you want him to tell you again that he doesn't want to continue? I don't understand why you want this for yourself? Don't you want to be with someone that wants to be with you? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 If that's all he was going to tell me then when I told him I was busy this weekend, he wouldn't have responded "is it okay if we talk once you're back from out of town then?" Instead he'd just be ignoring me Link to post Share on other sites
siriusp Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 If that's all he was going to tell me then when I told him I was busy this weekend, he wouldn't have responded "is it okay if we talk once you're back from out of town then?" Instead he'd just be ignoring me Why do you think that? I have often had guys like me when I am not interested. It is a horrible think to have to tell them twice that I am not interested.... so if I can delay it and put them off for as long as possible - it's because I hope they use that time to accept what I told them. I want to save them the embarrassment..... Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 When I said I'll be super busy, he asked if its ok for us to talk once I'm back in town. So next week I guess I'll ask "when would be a good time for you to talk?" And take it from there. But what will I say in this convo? No idea, need ideas Why would you initiate another conversation with him? If he wanted to continue with you, nothing would stop him from contacting you FIRST. His lack of communication with you is his message. Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 If that's all he was going to tell me then when I told him I was busy this weekend, he wouldn't have responded "is it okay if we talk once you're back from out of town then?" Instead he'd just be ignoring me Mmm ... why not, though? I had a guy do that once. I'd invited him to a comedy show, but he couldn't make it, so he invited me out for coffee. During coffee he told me that he really liked me, but that he was seeing someone else. This was, by the way, after he'd already ignored me once. Instead of taking the hint, I reached out to him again, which is when he asked me to coffee. I thought similarly to you—why would he ask to meet if he's just going to turn me down? Well, that's exactly what happened. I dunno, rams—maybe he's too rude to just ignore you, or he really wants to drive the point home, or he has not intention of meeting you again, so he's trying to push it off. Time will tell. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 If that's all he was going to tell me then when I told him I was busy this weekend, he wouldn't have responded "is it okay if we talk once you're back from out of town then?" Instead he'd just be ignoring me But... what you're not seeing... is that he IS ignoring you. He told you there was no connection, and that was the last time you ever saw him. Every instance of you speaking with him has been because YOU'VE initiated the conversation. He hasn't reached out to you. He's not trying to set a date to "talk." When you do reach out to him, he's being a typical "nice guy." He's giving you some lip service about how, "Ohhhh... we'll plan it for next time." And then "next time" comes around and it's "ohhhh well... we'll talk when we're both free..." And now you're coming here about how you're going to reach out to him AGAIN and planning your attack on what to say. Don't you see how he's ignoring you? HE'S not the one reaching out to you. HE'S not the one doing anything. You're basically just lapping up the crumbs he's throwing at your face and turning them into something they're not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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