"No Connection" after an awesome month???

[neowulf]

You know that thing people do..

You say "You can have anything you want.. but THIS thing right here"

 

At that point, some people just drive themselves nuts trying to GET the one thing they've been told they can't have.

 

After reading the whole thread, it's like the OP has become completely obsessed with a guy who's basically said "yeah, thanks but no thanks".

 

It doesn't sound like this has anything at all to do with who this guy is, or what he brings to the table.

 

It seems all about the fact that SHE wants him and how DARE he not want her back.

 

I don't know. I'm getting a really unhealthy vibe about the whole thing. Anyone you've got to chase that hard isn't worth catching.

[Guyouthere]

300 replies,,,,

 

Its more entertainment now.

 

I totally agree with the above post.

 

It actually should be shut down now.

 

We are also out of popcorn.

[mattelipstick]

If that's all he was going to tell me then when I told him I was busy this weekend, he wouldn't have responded "is it okay if we talk once you're back from out of town then?" Instead he'd just be ignoring me

 

If you really thought this deep down, you'd let him contact you instead of chasing after him (again).

 

And again, how did that "If he felt _____, he wouldn't say _____" work out for you w/ your ex?

[J21]

Lets just wait til she has the talk and see what comes of it. There is a chance he may be interested.

[katiegrl]

You know that thing people do..

You say "You can have anything you want.. but THIS thing right here"

 

At that point, some people just drive themselves nuts trying to GET the one thing they've been told they can't have.

 

After reading the whole thread, it's like the OP has become completely obsessed with a guy who's basically said "yeah, thanks but no thanks".

 

It doesn't sound like this has anything at all to do with who this guy is, or what he brings to the table.

 

It seems all about the fact that SHE wants him and how DARE he not want her back.

 

I don't know. I'm getting a really unhealthy vibe about the whole thing. Anyone you've got to chase that hard isn't worth catching.

 

She did the same thing with her ex, with whom she was completely obsessed up until around four weeks ago...probably when when she met this guy.

 

Her obsession with him lasted almost two years, until he had enough, and kicked her out. Even after that, she wouldn't stop, it was ridiculous. 100s of posts on this board and others about that whole thing.

 

Same thing with her ex before him. On a different message board.

 

She doesn't have relationships, she has obsessions. She is love addicted, among other disorders, which she herself has acknowledged and discussed on this board .... I am not at liberty to disclose here now though.

 

Of course, you're getting a bad vibe, because this whole thing IS one great big disaster waiting to happen, just like with her two previous ex's.

 

Really sad, but until she acknowledges her issues (not her mental disorders, she has already acknowledged those), she will continue having obsessions, continue to drive the people in her life literally crazy (not just men), and drive people away with her neurosis.

 

Also, I have known her for a long time, there is no high-powered career, no offer to move next year for her job, she has no friends, no life outside her obsessions.

 

She lives in a fantasy world of her own creation.

Edited October 26, 2015 by katiegrl

[rams10]

 

It doesn't sound like this has anything at all to do with who this guy is, or what he brings to the table.

 

It seems all about the fact that SHE wants him and how DARE he not want her back.

 

I don't know. I'm getting a really unhealthy vibe about the whole thing. Anyone you've got to chase that hard isn't worth catching.

 

You're very perceptive. I like men because they don't seem to care much, are a bit arrogant, emotionally closed off/unavailable. My ex, people say -totally unrelated to me- that he thinks he's the sh** but in reality people hate him a t work bc he doesn't care about what he's doing , ignores emails, et c. And I don't like how his own sister asked me to try to make him care more about their family bc she felt he'd "forgotten" them all. But I'm

Strongly drawn to the idea that I can convert this closed off, uncaring person if only I work hard enough and am good enough for him. I get an incredible

High from feeling I can get scraps of attention from a very "difficult" person! I'm

Terrified of Feeling bored w someone bc they genuinely like me and I don't have to doubt that

[dumbass2]

So you're not looking for a healthy relationship where the man actually wants you and shows you he wants you because that's boring to you. You want the challenge. You want what you can't have. You want the drama.

[katiegrl]

So you're not looking for a healthy relationship where the man actually wants you and shows you he wants you because that's boring to you. You want the challenge. You want what you can't have. You want the drama.

 

The irony is ... with her ex, her obsession was getting him to marry her ...which he never agreed to, so she kept pushing, pushing, pushing until he got so sick of her, he kicked her out.

 

But yet had he agreed to actually marry her, she would have gotten bored and dropped him, as he would no longer be a challenge!

 

She would have gotten what she wanted, which to her equals boredom....

[neowulf]

She did the same thing with her ex, with whom she was completely obsessed up until around four weeks ago...probably when when she met this guy.

 

Her obsession with him lasted almost two years, until he had enough, and kicked her out. Even after that, she wouldn't stop, it was ridiculous. 100s of posts on this board and others about that whole thing.

 

Same thing with her ex before him. On a different message board.

 

She doesn't have relationships, she has obsessions. She is love addicted, among other disorders, which she herself has acknowledged and discussed on this board .... I am not at liberty to disclose here now though.

 

Of course, you're getting a bad vibe, because this whole thing IS one great big disaster waiting to happen, just like with her two previous ex's.

 

Really sad, but until she acknowledges her issues (not her mental disorders, she has already acknowledged those), she will continue having obsessions, continue to drive the people in her life literally crazy (not just men), and drive people away with her neurosis.

 

Also, I have known her for a long time, there is no high-powered career, no offer to move next year for her job, she has no friends, no life outside her obsessions.

 

She lives in a fantasy world of her own creation.

 

That's very sad to hear katiegrl, I didn't realise.

[neowulf]

You're very perceptive. I like men because they don't seem to care much, are a bit arrogant, emotionally closed off/unavailable. My ex, people say -totally unrelated to me- that he thinks he's the sh** but in reality people hate him a t work bc he doesn't care about what he's doing , ignores emails, et c. And I don't like how his own sister asked me to try to make him care more about their family bc she felt he'd "forgotten" them all. But I'm

Strongly drawn to the idea that I can convert this closed off, uncaring person if only I work hard enough and am good enough for him. I get an incredible

High from feeling I can get scraps of attention from a very "difficult" person! I'm

Terrified of Feeling bored w someone bc they genuinely like me and I don't have to doubt that

 

I'm very sorry to hear that. It must be such a difficult and painful way to live. Wish I had something more useful to offer, but that kind of hang up requires professional therapy and a serious commitment to overcome.

[Itspointless]

So you're not looking for a healthy relationship where the man actually wants you and shows you he wants you because that's boring to you. You want the challenge. You want what you can't have. You want the drama.

We talked about this at length in the previous (still going on) thread.

 

But we do have to add that her ex also was emotionally abusive. He for example repeatedly ignored her for days while living togother.

[katiegrl]

We talked about this at length in the previous (still going on) thread.

 

But we do have to add that her ex also was emotionally abusive. He for example repeatedly ignored her for days while living togother.

 

He was also extremely verbally abusive.

 

 

For example, she described in one of her previous threads an instance when she went off her meds and was behaving, according to him, like a psycho (crying, etc) -- he said to her "what's the problem, monkey needs its banana"? Referring to her needing her meds to calm down.

 

 

Yet she stayed and would even reward him for this behavior by having sex, giving him a BJ... or just begging him to pay attention to her.

 

 

He ignored her for days, cheated on her repeatedly yet again she stayed...even kept on him ad nauseum about when he was going to marry her!

 

 

Of course she needs therapy, just like everyone has been suggesting! But until she actually wants help, or even believes she has a problem, our advice will fall on deaf ears, unfortunately.

Edited October 26, 2015 by katiegrl

[Itspointless]

Last week I found that particular post, it was saddening to read. In the other thread I asked Rams the following : 'I bet this guy feels familiar and comforting for her, a reward for your hard work. Doesn't he Rams?' She answered this in response to me.

Yes!! So much!! I stayed with him because I don't need to be treated super well all the time. It isn't a requirement for me. I just need the excitement of the occasional show of affection. That's how it always was with my mom.

I have to admit that I already expected her to say this as she had already told me that she had a really nice people pleasing father.

Well, yes- my dad will always "give in" to my mom- but he's such a kind man and the best, most dependable, most loving guy I know. Would never dream of picking up women behind my moms back like my ex. And my ex would never compromise ANything to make me happy. Even having a wreath on front door he didn't really like!

[katiegrl]

Last week I found that particular post, it was saddening to read. In the other thread I asked Rams the following : 'I bet this guy feels familiar and comforting for her, a reward for your hard work. Doesn't he Rams?' She answered this in response to me.

 

I have to admit that I already expected her to say this as she had already told me that she had a really nice people pleasing father.

 

Yes it IS sad. I am not a shrink, but it appears she is trying to re-live the RL she had with her mom... via her relationships with men -- in an attempt to fix what appeared to be an extremely dysfunctional RL with her mom.

 

 

If she can convince an uncaring, unloving guy to actually pay attention to her... to love her... in her mind...she has succeeded in getting mom to love her too.

 

 

Makes sense in a convoluted sort of way, but I do know that many people often become attracted to people who remind them of their dysfunctional parent...

[Itspointless]

Yes Katie, I was thinking the same reading her posts. Perhaps spelling it out like this helps ...

[rams10]

Itspointless and Katie, it's touching to me that you both have spent so much time reading my posts and trying to help. Even now I just want to text things to my ex like "how are you? I miss talking to you" - to which he responded "I'm alright." I felt the little that he offered me

Was "good enough" and I want it back. How can I truly be content with a guy who's simply my boyfriend in name,

Goes to events w me occasionally but doesn't care much or pay much attention to me on a daily basis? I truly believe that'd be enough if I could only have it back.

[La Trese]

Not sure why everyone is so negative, like there's no chance that he was ending things because "there's no deep connection" because he perceived ME as being casual, not needing him at all, not having lots of emotions for him. And then once he saw my response, he realized how much I did care and felt horrible himself (based on his getting physically sick)... And now is rethinking things. Otherwise he could've texted me back to reinforce his decision -- "I care about you but I don't have anything further to talk about -- It just isn't going to work between us." Why ever leave the door open?! He wants time to think to work through his own issues first!

 

I get being positive. I think its good to come here for advice on what specific actions to take, you are I guess right in that you don't need to listen to everyone's interpretation on here of what he is thinking because there is no way for anyone on here to know that with certainty. People can only guess, maybe if you are being treated right or not, based off a limited amount of information from only one perspective (yours).

 

But even in the best case scenario the action you need to take is the same regardless of whether he plans to contact you or not: you still need to give him space and let him contact you. You said it yourself....he needs time to work through his own issues. Give him that time whether his intentions are to date you or not. If you want to respond to him to let him know you do care and you will leave it up to him to contact you out of respect for his boundaries.

Edited October 27, 2015 by La Trese

[joseb]

Yes it IS sad. I am not a shrink, but it appears she is trying to re-live the RL she had with her mom... via her relationships with men -- in an attempt to fix what appeared to be an extremely dysfunctional RL with her mom.

 

If she can convince an uncaring, unloving guy to actually pay attention to her... to love her... in her mind...she has succeeded in getting mom to love her too.

 

Makes sense in a convoluted sort of way, but I do know that many people often become attracted to people who remind them of their dysfunctional parent...

 

I would suspect a shrink would see it pretty much exactly like that too.

 

But yeah, she needs to see one badly.

[Itspointless]

Itspointless and Katie, it's touching to me that you both have spent so much time reading my posts and trying to help. Even now I just want to text things to my ex like "how are you? I miss talking to you" - to which he responded "I'm alright." I felt the little that he offered me

Was "good enough" and I want it back. How can I truly be content with a guy who's simply my boyfriend in name,

Goes to events w me occasionally but doesn't care much or pay much attention to me on a daily basis? I truly believe that'd be enough if I could only have it back.

It does sound strange Rams, but I do understand your reasoning and wanting to settle for it a bit. I see some of the things that you do also a bit with myself. I think I have written that to you before, didn't I?

 

You probably would feel engulfed with people showing you real love, and as I wrote before, with those people there is not that tingly feeling excitement for you, instead it feels boring. Rams, that only is because we are programmed due to our youths. In addition to what Katie wrote after my quotes of you it does stem from the childhood dynamic we are used to. I cannot tell you why, but subconscious familiarity is exciting for us. Unfortunately it does not mean that these people are good for us. In fact, I am sure that these people constantly will fail us if we do not change ourselves. That also means that we need to do some counter-intuitive things. Here that means you need to learn boundaries and start dating boring guys. These guys are not boring, they bring security and not constant danger. The love you can actually find in other parts of the relationship, but you will need to learn to identify it.

[rams10]

First time my ex broke up with me was right before our 1-year anniversary. I brought up (in a very non-angry or threatening way), "Do you ever think about us possibly living together? I just think it'd make us closer, would be cool to come home and have the other person there." He somehow got furious, picked up an envelope, ripped it up, and threw its contents at me. Said "well I was going to give you this key to my place for anniversary gift, but now I'm done wth you." It wasn't that he was gonna discuss moving in, just give me a spare to his place. He broke up w me and only got back together after watching me cry for 24 hours straight, and he never actually discussed or talked about what had happened.

Edited October 28, 2015 by rams10

[J21]

First time my ex broke up with me was right before our 1-year anniversary. I brought up (in a very non-angry or threatening way), "Do you ever think about us possibly living together? I just think it'd make us closer, would be cool to come home and have the other person there." He somehow got furious, picked up an envelope, ripped it up, and threw its contents at me. Said "well I was going to give you this key to my place for anniversary gift, but now I'm done wth you." It wasn't that he was gonna discuss moving in, just give me a spare to his place. He broke up w me and only got back together after watching me cry for 24 hours straight, and he never actually discussed or talked about what had happened.

That's really sad I feel bad you had to go through that

[rams10]

Thanks. Why would he do that? And if I'd just kept my

Mouth shut and gotten the card intact I still wouldn't have been happy... Bc after a year the card didn't say "I love you" and it was just a spare to hisnplace, not a discussion about us moving in or anything about future.

[katiegrl]

First time my ex broke up with me was right before our 1-year anniversary. I brought up (in a very non-angry or threatening way), "Do you ever think about us possibly living together? I just think it'd make us closer, would be cool to come home and have the other person there." He somehow got furious, picked up an envelope, ripped it up, and threw its contents at me. Said "well I was going to give you this key to my place for anniversary gift, but now I'm done wth you." It wasn't that he was gonna discuss moving in, just give me a spare to his place. He broke up w me and only got back together after watching me cry for 24 hours straight, and he never actually discussed or talked about what had happened.

 

rams... I recall reading (on a different site), you moved in with him after 3-4 months dating because you had no where to live, no money, etc. and so needed to stay with him temporarily.

 

He reluctantly agreed and allowed you to live with him (temporarily until you found a place). However, you never did and continued to live with him for 1.5 years until he asked you to leave a couple of months ago.

 

During those first few months living together, I recall your posting he was actually awesome to you and continued to be awesome for a very long time, extremely patient, understanding, etc. Those of us reading thought the guy was a friggin saint!

 

Later on you began posting he started to treat your badly. Ignoring you, cheating etc. All the while you wouldn't let up because he had not told you he loved you, or whether or not he planned on marrying you. This was a real bone of contention for you.... and thus your obsession with him and whether or not he would ever marry you began.

 

So why are you now telling us you brought up living with him after one year of dating? And what a bastard he was after you asked about it? Throwing contents of an envelope at you ... telling you he's done with you etc. WTF.

 

Your stories keep changing, it's difficult to know what to believe anymore.

 

As I said, you live in your own fantasy world, it's very frustrating to those of us listening and trying to advise you.

 

I am beginning to think you create threads, NOT because you want advice or help, but because you want SYMPATHY.

 

That's not fair to us because many who don't know your back story believe your tall tales, and actually do feel sympathy for you.

 

Not realizing that most of the stuff you share on these message boards are fantasy and simply not true or exaggerations of the truth, all in an attempt to garner sympathy.

 

Please stop rams...it's not right or fair.

Edited October 28, 2015 by katiegrl

[StBreton]

Rams ...have you ever thought of getting really mad at your mom ...and telling her to F off (doesn't have to be said directly to your mom ...could be done in counseling ...and screaming it at a lampshade)?

 

At least acknowledging how messed up her mothering was ...and grieve for the normal childhood you were robbed of?

 

Maybe then you could move beyond dating men who are emotionally unavailable and abusive?

[Httm]

rams... I recall reading (on a different site), you moved in with him after 3-4 months dating because you had no where to live, no money, etc. and so needed to stay with him temporarily.

 

He reluctantly agreed and allowed you to live with him (temporarily until you found a place). However, you never did and continued to live with him for 1.5 years until he asked you to leave a couple of months ago.

 

During those first few months living together, I recall your posting he was actually awesome to you and continued to be awesome for a very long time, extremely patient, understanding, etc. Those of us reading thought the guy was a friggin saint!

 

Later on you began posting he started to treat your badly. Ignoring you, cheating etc. All the while you wouldn't let up because he had not told you he loved you, or whether or not he planned on marrying you. This was a real bone of contention for you.... and thus your obsession with him and whether or not he would ever marry you began.

 

So why are you now telling us you brought up living with him after one year of dating? And what a bastard he was after you asked about it? Throwing contents of an envelope at you ... telling you he's done with you etc. WTF.

 

Your stories keep changing, it's difficult to know what to believe anymore.

 

As I said, you live in your own fantasy world, it's very frustrating to those of us listening and trying to advise you.

 

I am beginning to think you create threads, NOT because you want advice or help, but because you want SYMPATHY.

 

That's not fair to us because many who don't know your back story believe your tall tales, and actually do feel sympathy for you.

 

Not realizing that most of the stuff you share on these message boards are fantasy and simply not true or exaggerations of the truth, all in an attempt to garner sympathy.

 

Please stop rams...it's not right or fair.

 

People like Rams clog forums with nonsense not for sympathy, but for attention. And people, just like you, give it to them. Meanwhile, I come here for real help, and get pretty much no response. Fake drama wins the day as per usual.