"No Connection" after an awesome month???

[ExpatInItaly]

WWhy???? He was saying himself last night that he really likes me, raelly cares about me, but there needs to be more to progress something into long term... a "deep connection"... Which makes me think I just didn't show enough emotion and played it too cool and casual! So now what if I just keep stressing how much I care for him and would raelly like to talk things out with a clear head with no wine involved?

 

This is what you don't understand: a guy who is truly interested will give it longer than a month to see if something develops. He wasn't on the same page. You can't force someone to be with you. Respect his wishes and let it go.

[Jessie1231]

WWhy???? He was saying himself last night that he really likes me, raelly cares about me, but there needs to be more to progress something into long term... a "deep connection"... Which makes me think I just didn't show enough emotion and played it too cool and casual! So now what if I just keep stressing how much I care for him and would raelly like to talk things out with a clear head with no wine involved?

 

You showed emotion though. You cried when he ended things, and he still wanted to end things. He is aware you care, but he doesn't want a relationship with you because he doesn't feel emotionally connected to you.

 

I went through the exact same thing with a guy I've been dating three months. He was wonderful and fun and I liked being around him, but I felt no connection to him. I had to end things because I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I felt terrible for it because I really like him as a person. He accepted it, and you need to do the same.

 

You said you want to find out what's really going on and it is this - a guy went out with you for a month and decided he didn't want a relationship with you. These things happen all the time. There is no deeper meaning. There is not something magic you can do to make him feel something he doesn't feel. Move on.

[rams10]

What could i have POSSIBLY done to not be realtionship worthy??? Just because I didn't pull out all the stops and do everything humanyl possible to connect deeply to him after only a month?!! If he truly liked me and cared enough to look horribly sad and physically sick with our convo last night, then can he really just never speak to me again?

[stillafool]

Rams why not put dating on hold until you get the help you need first? I think it will help you with future relationships.

[ExpatInItaly]

No one is perfect and people occasionally say things out of anger, or in fights, or in an off mood. I can either assign meaning to his 1 single time of saying out of nowhere, "I think we need a deep connection that we dont have so it's not working out" - all the while looking so sad and saying "I don't know why I didn't try harder at that all along!" -- or I can assign meaning to all his actions, being the one to pursue me and even having an awesome dinner just last night.

 

Getting physicalyl sick in that situation just showed how much he really does care, and makes me wonder if there's something "wrong" with him. It seems like it'd be a mistake for me to just give up on him, assuming there can be nothing further for us. I want to draw him out of wahtever difficulty he's having

 

No, Just no.

 

Don't go bulldozing over his boundaries like that. He said it's not going to work. Trying to force it out of him is only going to irritate him and reinforce his decision. Just stop.

[J21]

Damn that's really out of the blue.

 

He must have had a change of heart, it happens.

[rams10]

Damn that's really out of the blue.

 

He must have had a change of heart, it happens.

 

It's more than out of the blue. Last night's dinner, which he initiated, was actually awesome. We got back to his place and sat down on his bed and everything still seemed totally fine. After his generic line, he seemed so beyond devastated and physically sick that I just don't get it!!!!

[craw]

Maybe he met someone else. Maybe an ex came back. Maybe he hooked up with another girl and feels guilty.

 

Point is that you need to save your dignity before you embarrass yourself. You can let this go, you just refuse to. Big difference.

 

Quit dwelling on details that aren't important. Him being sick means essentially nothing. Stop assigning meaning to that.

 

And for heaven's sake, don't try to convince him to come back. You will only make yourself look desperate and nuts.

 

Read this again, rams.

[katiegrl]

What could i have POSSIBLY done to not be realtionship worthy??? Just because I didn't pull out all the stops and do everything humanyl possible to connect deeply to him after only a month?!! If he truly liked me and cared enough to look horribly sad and physically sick with our convo last night, then can he really just never speak to me again?

 

rams, emotionally connecting with another human being does NOT require "doing" anything.

 

There is nothing you or anyone can *do* to make another human being feel emotionally connected to you.

 

One either *feels* emotionally connected or they don't.

 

Sounds like he wanted to feel it, and was *going through the motions* but at the end of the day (or month) ...he just wasn't feeling it, and sorry but there is nothing you can *do* to change that.

 

The fact you are incapable of understanding this indicates you lack a certain amount of emotional depth and understanding, which may be have been one the reasons he could not connect with you, emotionally, in the first place.

[StBreton]

The irony is that she IS clingy and needy. Extremely clingy and needy!

 

Read her past threads.

 

rams, you are barely out of a very intense and dysfunctional relationship with a man you were completely and totally 100% obsessed with.

 

IMO you are in no position to be pursuing another one, are you even over the other guy? The guy who wouldn't marry you? It's only been a couple of months since he asked you to move out for heaven's sake!

 

And here you are, once again becoming obsessed with yet another guy who has told you he does not want you, and once again you refuse to ACCEPT it!

 

Sorry to be harsh, but come on now.

 

Are you in therapy like everyone suggested in your previous threads?

 

Katiegrl is you aren't a professional therapist I think you missed your calling ...just sayin. You remember everyone and their situations and see their patterns and can see them when they cannot.

 

Anyway ...rams it seems this guy typically feels more a month into a relationship than he's feeling for you after a month ...and since he's not feeling it ...albeit he really likes you ...he's out. I've really liked guys and chemistry was good and I just couldn't see myself feeling more deeply about him down the road. He did nothing wrong. It could be we just didn't have similar dysfunctions or identify with each other on a subconscious level ... I suspect there's something to that ...in any case I broke it off. I'd let it go ...it's only a month. If he comes back and says he made a mistake go from there ...otherwise move on and find someone who feels the same as you long term.

 

FYI ...this guy knows the drill of how to behave in a LTR ...consider that he may have been going through the motions of how a guy behaves with you ...might not be heart driven by how he felt about you ...just previous girls he's dated...this could account for the mixed messages/signals ...he didn't really feel that way about you all along. Sorry

Edited October 18, 2015 by StBreton

[rams10]

So I texted him just now saying I really care about him and last night seemed so out of character and I hope he's ok. He responded that he really cares about me too, "even if it's hard to see that now." and said "we can definitely talk, but I really think we should both take a few days to think about things first"

[KatZee]

So, I see a lot of projection going on. You're assigning meaning to certain things; him initiating all the time; him pursuing; him getting physically sick after breaking up with you.

 

The problem with projection is that it's happening in YOUR mind. And projection is never reality; merely your own interpretation of things.

 

Yes, he put in effort, but at the end of the day, it was a month. 30 days. It's kind of like a new job and the probation period. At the end of the trial period, it's either a fit, or it's not.

 

Chemistry isn't something you work on as has been stated here many, many times. It's there or not. And the thing with chemistry, it can be one-sided. So where as you were on Cloud 9, he obviously wasn't.

 

Great sex is just that. Great sex. Great sex doesn't go hand in hand with long-term relationship potential. There was a guy I was hooking up with years ago, best sex I've ever had. Was he relationship material for me? No.

 

If this guy has only had long term relationships, I wouldn't say he's a commitmentphobe. I'd say he's someone who is very aware of where he's been, and where he's going. He knows what he's been with, he knows exactly what he wants, and he's not going to string you along just because he fears being alone, he's scared of hurting you, or he's bored. He also knows he would rather not waste his time or yours.

 

You can't sit around putting blame on yourself thinking the what if's or woulda, coulda, shouldas. Letting him pursue also isn't a 100% fool-proof tactic for making a man lock you down either.

 

I've seen some of the CRAZIEST bit*ches get locked down. Chasers, drama queens, literal lunatics. When you meet the guy who's INTO YOU, it's not going to matter what you do. It's not going to matter if you lean back, it's not going to matter if you chase, it's not going to matter how often you text, it's not going to matter if first time sex is godawful. He's still going to want to put in the effort to be with you and smooth out the initial awkwardness of a new relationship.

 

Appreciate the month for what it's been. Take the lessons you learned with you. You obviously learned what kind of guy you'd really like to be with. Don't try to reach out and beg and plead and ask for more chances, that's really not attractive at all and it makes you look desperate and pathetic. The best thing you can do is just go away. Accept that he ended it with you, and move on with grace.

[ExpatInItaly]

So I texted him just now saying I really care about him and last night seemed so out of character and I hope he's ok. He responded that he really cares about me too, "even if it's hard to see that now." and said "we can definitely talk, but I really think we should both take a few days to think about things first"

 

Read between the lines. He's trying to very gently tell you to back off.

 

Take the hint before it escalates.

[katiegrl]

So I texted him just now saying I really care about him and last night seemed so out of character and I hope he's ok. He responded that he really cares about me too, "even if it's hard to see that now." and said "we can definitely talk, but I really think we should both take a few days to think about things first"

 

Translation - Please respect my boundaries and leave me alone. IF I change my mind, I will call you, DON'T call me..

 

Don't count on him calling you again rams. He sounds like a nice guy who doesn't want to hurt you and is trying to let you down easy...

 

I would suggest you respect his boundaries and just leave him alone. Otherwise you risk annoying the hell out of him, not to mention you looking extremely foolish and psycho.

 

IF he changes his mind, he knows where to find you.

[rams10]

In my experience, if a guy wants you to leave him alone, his response would've been:

1) NO response to my text at all (most common)

2) something saying leave him alone

3) Reinforcing, "Listen, it's just not going to work out. I'm really sorry"

 

In my mind, his response was encouraging! He's reinforcing that he cares a lot about me, and saying we should take a few days to think about htings and then we can talk -- to me that indicates he might be regretting what he said last night

[KatZee]

So I texted him just now saying I really care about him and last night seemed so out of character and I hope he's ok. He responded that he really cares about me too, "even if it's hard to see that now." and said "we can definitely talk, but I really think we should both take a few days to think about things first"

 

Bad move.

 

You are NOT respecting his boundaries. He is a person. He's fully capable of making decisions for himself, and that decision being he doesn't want to date you.

 

No amount of your texting, begging, pleading, being kind, telling him how much he means to you, is going to make him change his mind.

 

What you ARE doing however, is showing him you lack boundaries, you don't respect him, you're desperate, you're needy, you're clingy, and what you ARE doing is really showing him that he made the right decision to end it with you.

 

You've known this guy 30 days. Stop acting like he's the be all, end all of relationships. You didn't even scratch the surface of who he is as a person, yet you're acting like your life is completely over after a month.

 

He doesn't want to date you long term, whatever. S*h!t happens. Life happens. Every relationship you have is going to fail, until you meet that one who is right for you.

 

Also, you definitely need to be single. Indefinitely. Work on a lot of your issues before attempting another relationship.

[KatZee]

In my experience, if a guy wants you to leave him alone, his response would've been:

1) NO response to my text at all (most common)

2) something saying leave him alone

3) Reinforcing, "Listen, it's just not going to work out. I'm really sorry"

 

In my mind, his response was encouraging! He's reinforcing that he cares a lot about me, and saying we should take a few days to think about htings and then we can talk -- to me that indicates he might be regretting what he said last night

 

You're not even remotely accurate.

 

Every person is different. You're dealing with a guy who's nice. He's not going to be an a$.shole to you.

 

I was dating this one guy years ago, very nice guy. I wanted more. He didn't. We had a great FEW MONTHS together. But when he found out I wanted to move it forward, it ended.

 

I wound up running into him a couple times after we ended, and we had a Facebook exchange.

 

At no point did he ignore me. At no point did he tell me to leave him alone. At no point did he have to reinforce anything. You know why he didn't have to reinforce anything? Because I had accepted his decision and when we met, we hugged, briefly caught up, and I didn't assign random meaning to him being happy to see me, him hugging me, him SAYING it was great to see me.

 

I took it for what it was. A nice guy seeing a girl he had dated, and slept with and he was being a mature, and kind man.

[rams10]

Begging, pleading, being needy? I was the furthest thing from needy this whole month, he actually even acknowledged that. And I'm wondering if my lack of "needing" much to do with him, keeping things casual and light, is the reason why he's saying there's no "deep connection" between us.

 

I think his response is encouraging. He's reinforcing that he cares a lot about me, and suggesting we wait a few days to think things over before talking makes me think he's regretting what he said last night.

[MidwestUSA]

Begging, pleading, being needy? I was the furthest thing from needy this whole month, he actually even acknowledged that. And I'm wondering if my lack of "needing" much to do with him, keeping things casual and light, is the reason why he's saying there's no "deep connection" between us.

 

I think his response is encouraging. He's reinforcing that he cares a lot about me, and suggesting we wait a few days to think things over before talking makes me think he's regretting what he said last night.

 

So, tell us what you're going to be doing for the next few days.

 

Genuine question.

[KatZee]

Oh, I'd also like to add, if you keep up doing what you're doing, you WILL see him get nasty with you, because that will be the only course of action left. He will only give you so much room to continue to push his boundaries.

 

I had an ex who was very much like you. I ended it. He kept coming at me saying, "Oh I know you care about me, love me...," said all the things you're saying, how could I just end it after X, Y, and Z. Let's work on it, let's do this, let's do that, give me a chance to show you.

 

I was nice about it, until I wasn't. And when that had to happen, it was ugly.

[stillafool]

There's really no reason to argue with or try to persuade OP of anything because she already has her mind made up about this. I don't know why you even bother to come here because you already know everything. I wish you well Rams.

[katiegrl]

In my experience, if a guy wants you to leave him alone, his response would've been:

1) NO response to my text at all (most common)

2) something saying leave him alone

3) Reinforcing, "Listen, it's just not going to work out. I'm really sorry"

 

In my mind, his response was encouraging! He's reinforcing that he cares a lot about me, and saying we should take a few days to think about htings and then we can talk -- to me that indicates he might be regretting what he said last night

 

Whether or not he regrets it is not relevant at this point.

 

Right now he wants to be left ALONE, and that is exactly what you need to do. LEAVE HIM ALONE.

 

Like I said, if he changes his mind, HE knows where to find you.

 

If he never contacts you again, then so be it. THAT'S your confirmation that he meant it and it is over.

 

Again you need to respect his boundaries and do NOT ever contact him again.....

 

If I had to venture a guess, it would be that in a week or two, you will have moved on to yet another guy anyway.

[KatZee]

Begging, pleading, being needy? I was the furthest thing from needy this whole month, he actually even acknowledged that. And I'm wondering if my lack of "needing" much to do with him, keeping things casual and light, is the reason why he's saying there's no "deep connection" between us.

 

I think his response is encouraging. He's reinforcing that he cares a lot about me, and suggesting we wait a few days to think things over before talking makes me think he's regretting what he said last night.

 

Yes. You might not think you're being needy and beggy, but listen, as someone who ended it with someone I didn't want to be with, ANY sort of communication from his end was desperate and pathetic.

 

And stop thinking him being nice to you saying he needs days away from you is him "regretting" anything. It's not. It's him hoping that you'll calm down and settle down and hopefully accept it and move on.

[stillafool]

Oh, I'd also like to add, if you keep up doing what you're doing, you WILL see him get nasty with you, because that will be the only course of action left. He will only give you so much room to continue to push his boundaries.

 

I had an ex who was very much like you. I ended it. He kept coming at me saying, "Oh I know you care about me, love me...," said all the things you're saying, how could I just end it after X, Y, and Z. Let's work on it, let's do this, let's do that, give me a chance to show you.

 

I was nice about it, until I wasn't. And when that had to happen, it was ugly.

 

I agree. Nothing is worst than trying to let someone down easy and they still don't get it. They pretty much force you to show your ugly side.

[rams10]

Not sure why everyone is so negative, like there's no chance that he was ending things because "there's no deep connection" because he perceived ME as being casual, not needing him at all, not having lots of emotions for him. And then once he saw my response, he realized how much I did care and felt horrible himself (based on his getting physically sick)... And now is rethinking things. Otherwise he could've texted me back to reinforce his decision -- "I care about you but I don't have anything further to talk about -- It just isn't going to work between us." Why ever leave the door open?! He wants time to think to work through his own issues first!