"No Connection" after an awesome month???

[BLND]

So far every post to you from others has been pretty accurate and helpful yet you refuse to realize that this guy is just not into you.

You have rebuttals for each and every explanation given to you. Kinda pointless for people here to keep on answering each of your posts since you obviously will only believe what's in your head. Which has been wrong so far.

The guy went as far as to tell you to leave him alone for a few days and you see that as encouragement.

 

In that case why don't you go ahead and do whatever you feel like doing since it seems like that's what you'll be doing anyway. And believing there's something with this guy when clearly there is absolutely nothing and there will be mothing. If he didn't feel a deep connection after a month with being with you and having what you described as amazing sex with you then for sure he won't feel that in 6 months.

But hey do you girl!

Edited October 18, 2015 by BLND

[katiegrl]

Not sure why everyone is so negative, like there's no chance that he was ending things because "there's no deep connection" because he perceived ME as being casual, not needing him at all, not having lots of emotions for him. And then once he saw my response, he realized how much I did care and felt horrible himself (based on his getting physically sick)... And now is rethinking things. Otherwise he could've texted me back to reinforce his decision -- "I care about you but I don't have anything further to talk about -- It just isn't going to work between us." Why ever leave the door open?! He wants time to think to work through his own issues first!

 

Okay, even assuming you are right (which I don't think you are,) but assuming you are, do you acknowledge that you STILL need to leave him alone?

 

That the ball is in HIS court?

 

That YOU need to go no contact and IF he wants to talk again, HE will contact you?

 

You do acknowledge this, right?

[KatZee]

Not sure why everyone is so negative, like there's no chance that he was ending things because "there's no deep connection" because he perceived ME as being casual, not needing him at all, not having lots of emotions for him. And then once he saw my response, he realized how much I did care and felt horrible himself (based on his getting physically sick)... And now is rethinking things. Otherwise he could've texted me back to reinforce his decision -- "I care about you but I don't have anything further to talk about -- It just isn't going to work between us." Why ever leave the door open?! He wants time to think to work through his own issues first!

 

Stop. Just stop.

 

Stop rationalizing. Stop trying to justify. Stop projecting.

 

Believe me, I get it. I've been where you are. I've clung to hope where there was none. I've had to learn these lessons the hard way...you need to as well. You keep making the same mistakes person after person. And until you actually acknowledge that your way of thinking is severely flawed, you're going to continue running into the same problems, and digging the same hole for yourself.

 

My last serious boyfriend said the same garbage that this guy is feeding you. I'm sure he's not saying these things to be malicious. He's not going to come out and be like, "Yeah, you're such a crappy person, I'm no longer attracted to you, I met someone way better, you totally don't do it for me."

 

What he WILL do is put the "blame" on himself. "He has to work on his own issues..."

 

I just rolled my eyes so hard that they got lost in my skull.

 

My ex said this same line, literally word for word. You know what issues he had to work on? Banging the new girl he met at his new job.

 

My ex was literally SOBBING when he ended it with me. Told me I was the best person, I was his best friend, that he wanted to get back together down the line when he "sorted out his issues."

 

What he really meant was: I met this new chick. I think she's better than you. I don't want to hurt your feelings. I'm going to give you an iota of hope just to keep you lingering on the back burner in case it doesn't work out. I'll contact you if and when I feel like it.

[rams10]

Well obviously, I'm going to respond with "sounds good, and especially bc I know your family comes in town today, I would never want to intrude on time w them in any way. Hope it goes well"

[KatZee]

Well obviously, I'm going to respond with "sounds good, and especially bc I know your family comes in town today, I would never want to intrude on time w them in any way. Hope it goes well"

 

How about you just, not.

 

Way to be passive aggressive.

 

Also an unattractive trait.

[katiegrl]

Well obviously, I'm going to respond with "sounds good, and especially bc I know your family comes in town today, I would never want to intrude on time w them in any way. Hope it goes well"

 

Fabulous. Then go no contact.

 

I give you two weeks before you are back here posting (obsessing) some new guy....

[sportygirl89]

But there WAS chemistry, he was very into the sex, you can't fake that... And yet he'd also do things like come visit me at work just to sit wth me for an hour and hold my hand. This was such an abrupt, generic announcement in the midst of a great night last night, followed by him being so upset that he physically got himself sick??

 

Chemistry can be seen differently by different people. Looks like he has deeper issues with himself then actually with you. Least you dodged a bullet here.

[rams10]

Chemistry can be seen differently by different people. Looks like he has deeper issues with himself then actually with you. Least you dodged a bullet here.

 

do you think he claimed we had no "deep connection" bc i was trying to play it cool, so I came off as too casual and like i didn't need him or have any real emotion for him? And after he saw me crying and telling him how much I cared, he realized oh shoot, she's different than I thought she was? And that's why now he's saying he really cares about me too, and we should talk after taking a few days to think about things?

[katiegrl]

Stop. Just stop.

 

Stop rationalizing. Stop trying to justify. Stop projecting.

 

Believe me, I get it. I've been where you are. I've clung to hope where there was none. I've had to learn these lessons the hard way...you need to as well. You keep making the same mistakes person after person. And until you actually acknowledge that your way of thinking is severely flawed, you're going to continue running into the same problems, and digging the same hole for yourself.

 

My last serious boyfriend said the same garbage that this guy is feeding you. I'm sure he's not saying these things to be malicious. He's not going to come out and be like, "Yeah, you're such a crappy person, I'm no longer attracted to you, I met someone way better, you totally don't do it for me."

 

What he WILL do is put the "blame" on himself. "He has to work on his own issues..."

 

I just rolled my eyes so hard that they got lost in my skull.

 

My ex said this same line, literally word for word. You know what issues he had to work on? Banging the new girl he met at his new job.

 

My ex was literally SOBBING when he ended it with me. Told me I was the best person, I was his best friend, that he wanted to get back together down the line when he "sorted out his issues."

 

What he really meant was: I met this new chick. I think she's better than you. I don't want to hurt your feelings. I'm going to give you an iota of hope just to keep you lingering on the back burner in case it doesn't work out. I'll contact you if and when I feel like it.

 

rams, I realize you have a tendency to disregard/ignore any posts longer than two short paragraphs, but PLEASE read the above ^^ in its entirety!

 

KatZee is right on and she is speaking from first hand experience!

 

Plesse read it, acknowledge it, understand it.

 

Cut and paste it to your fridge if necessary! And read it every day!

[MidwestUSA]

do you think he claimed we had no "deep connection" bc i was trying to play it cool, so I came off as too casual and like i didn't need him or have any real emotion for him? And after he saw me crying and telling him how much I cared, he realized oh shoot, she's different than I thought she was? And that's why now he's saying he really cares about me too, and we should talk after taking a few days to think about things?

 

He's giving you 'a few days' to decide that you're going to keep your dignity intact, and opt to leave him be.

 

Don't make him get ugly.

[rams10]

He could've said "I really care about you but it won't work out and I really have nothing further to discuss. I'm sorry." There is no reason a person would suggest talking in a few days after we both have time to think through what happened last night, if they truly wanted to be rid of you. I really had been casual, pretty emotionless, the opposite of needy - which he acknowledged- and I think that caused him to believe we had no "deep connection." He really might be changing his mind on that after seeing me cry and realizing how deeply I did care

[J21]

Are you gonna contact him after a couple of days?

[rams10]

I'll respond to his text now with "sounds very reasonable, especially given that your family's gonna be in town -- that should be priority & I wouldn't want to interfere. from there? i dont know

[katiegrl]

He could've said "I really care about you but it won't work out and I really have nothing further to discuss. I'm sorry." There is no reason a person would suggest talking in a few days after we both have time to think through what happened last night, if they truly wanted to be rid of you. I really had been casual, pretty emotionless, the opposite of needy - which he acknowledged- and I think that caused him to believe we had no "deep connection." He really might be changing his mind on that after seeing me cry and realizing how deeply I did care

 

Okay fine. You did not answer my previous question though.

 

Even assuming this is the case, you STILL need to leave him alone. That the ball is in HIS court.

 

And IF after giving it a few days, he DOES NOT contact you, you move on.

 

You DO acknowledge this, yes?

 

These are not rhetorical questions.

[BLND]

I have a feeling after a couple of days of not hearing from him she will text him well it's been a few days and I haven't heard back from you...

[KatZee]

He could've said "I really care about you but it won't work out and I really have nothing further to discuss. I'm sorry." There is no reason a person would suggest talking in a few days after we both have time to think through what happened last night, if they truly wanted to be rid of you. I really had been casual, pretty emotionless, the opposite of needy - which he acknowledged- and I think that caused him to believe we had no "deep connection." He really might be changing his mind on that after seeing me cry and realizing how deeply I did care

 

He could have, but guess what? He didn't. And neither did my ex. My ex had NO INTENTION whatsoever of getting back together with me. None. Did he fill me in on that? Nope.

 

What he did do was try to "buffer" the pain of him ending it. What he did do was give me false hopes. What he did do was say things which led to me attributing meaning to them, and what he did do was try to paint himself as the "good guy" instead of just being straight up with me and giving me the blunt truth.

 

Listen, what YOU think are the correct words to say, what YOU would do if you were breaking up with someone, IS NOT what everyone else would do. Just because he didn't come out and say, "Sorry, nothing to talk about ever again, bye." DOES NOT MEAN he wants to work things out in a few days!

 

Do not send that text message. Do not hold on to hope. Do not sit there [X]ing off the boxes on your calendar being like, "Oh well, it's been a few days, now we can talk!"

 

I almost guarantee you, 110% he just met someone he clicks with more. He's not going to be thinking about you these next few days, he's going to be out living his life. That's what you need to be doing.

 

Do not sit around chasing, waiting around, for people that literally tell you: "Hey, so, I'm not feeling the connection, it's not working."

 

Real talk: Men are TERRITORIAL. If you ever want to see a man revert back to his cave man behaviors, watch some other guy try to infringe on his territory (the woman he's INTO). A man will NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. shut the door in your face that hard by telling you in no uncertain terms: It's not working between us. There is no connection.

 

A man will always leave a door sliggghhhtttyyyy a little bit open if feels there is some room for things to work out.

 

What he did was not leave the door open. He just let you down. He very clearly spelled it out for you, but you .... didn't get it. So now he is being forced to let you down. Again, he's not going to be a dick to you right off the bat. He obviously at one point cared, and he doesn't want to resort to having to tell you off, back off, or flat out block you/your number.

[thecrucible]

Letting him pursue also isn't a 100% fool-proof tactic for making a man lock you down either.

 

Your post is definitive - especially this part. I learned that lesson the hard way. I'd dated a few guys where I'd tried too hard to win their affection to the extent that I was doing all the chasing. So I got myself a few classic dating books and started letting the man take the lead and pursue me. As I discovered, this is not foolproof. And guys can tell the difference between boundaries coming from true confidence, and boundaries you've put on to play the dating game.

 

The guy I ended up with 18 months ago wasn't that into me, more into the conquest and didn't want anything long term. I also overheard a conversation he had with his brother where he was talking about his dating techniques and it became apparent that he was recycling a series of moves on me. It didn't matter that he took me out to fancy dinners and on day trips. At the end of the day, he wasn't that interested. It really put me into a terrible position that I'd resigned myself to this passive role. So now without question, I'll let the guy take the lead but I'm not going to sit back and keep things casual when I've already invested. I'm not going to feel embarrassed for coming out clearly that I'm looking for something with potential for long-term after a few months have passed. That is not a crime!

 

OP, you say that you're worried that you treating things more casually may have put the guy off and made him lost interest. I'm telling you, you will drive yourself CRAZY thinking about what you did wrong. So please don't. If you did something wrong, so did he. Nobody is perfect. The point is to focus on the here and now. Don't project onto something which isn't there. Deal with one situation at a time.

 

There is nothing wrong with letting the guy take the lead. But as my example shows, if you're starting to feel like you're playing a part and suppressing actual feelings, just stop and find out where you stand. You can become attached to someone without losing your dignity. In my experience, I realised that while I was right to keep some cards close to my chest, in future I will bail out sooner when I am done with the relationship status being up in the air rather than let it drag on.

 

Please take some positives from this. By ending things and doing so in a kind way, he has allowed you to dodge a bullet and find someone right for you. That's a good thing. It's better than my situation where the guy basically admitted that he wasn't into me but wanted to keep it going for the sex. There are plenty of guys out there so there is no use getting heartbroken over this one guy.

 

OP, be clear and bold about what you want out of a relationship. Think about what that means to you. It's not a guy that's going to end things with you. He has opted out and left you to find a guy who's really into you. Trust me, if you managed to get back it would not to be the kind of relationship you want, the kind of relationship where you had to cajole someone to be with you.

[rams10]

But he's not feeling a "deep connection" because I HELD BACK. I tried to play it so cool, emotionless, even joking one day when he first came over for a date that I wanted to have sex with him first and then would ask how his day was. I was trying to be casual and light. That's why I raelly think everything will change now that he saw the depth of my emotion for him last night, and that's why he thinks we should take a few days to think about things and then we can talk.

[katiegrl]

Guys, long insightful posts go right over OP's head.

 

Once she gets her brain set on something or someone, that is how and where it will stay until the guy DOES get nasty and ugly.

 

And even THEN, she still won't get it.

 

Until she meets someone else and starts it all over again with new guy.

 

That is how it's always been, and unfortunately how it will always be.

 

So sad.

[MidwestUSA]

But he's not feeling a "deep connection" because I HELD BACK. I tried to play it so cool, emotionless, even joking one day when he first came over for a date that I wanted to have sex with him first and then would ask how his day was. I was trying to be casual and light.

 

 

 

This sounds like something out of a PUA book. You didn't?

 

Accept that this one is done.

[rams10]

It just happened that we had sex right away when he came over once. Afterward I said "ok I'm sorry, now I want to hear about your day, how was XYZ, I just had my priorities first haha" jokingly. He kept saying it was such an awesome way to be greeted at the door. And we did plenty of other things that didn't involve sex

[lana-banana]

But he's not feeling a "deep connection" because I HELD BACK. I tried to play it so cool, emotionless, even joking one day when he first came over for a date that I wanted to have sex with him first and then would ask how his day was. I was trying to be casual and light. That's why I raelly think everything will change now that he saw the depth of my emotion for him last night, and that's why he thinks we should take a few days to think about things and then we can talk.

 

This is all speculation. You have no idea why he's not feeling a deep connection and are assuming YOU were the cause. You are trying to assert control over a situation where you don't have any. It's a very normal and human thing to do, but it won't end well. Don't you see this situation isn't up to you? You already laid it all on the line. You told him how much you cared, but he didn't ask for another chance. He didn't tell you he wanted to go out another time. He said you could maybe talk in a few days, if he felt like it. He was trying to let you down as nicely as possible.

 

Honestly, my guess is he met someone else and was having a date this weekend. But that's speculation too. I don't know any more than you can. What matters is he isn't interested in you any more, and you need to acknowledge that as graciously as possible before forcing him to get ugly.

[rams10]

 

Honestly, my guess is he met someone else and was having a date this weekend. But that's speculation too. I don't know any more than you can. What matters is he isn't interested in you any more, and you need to acknowledge that as graciously as possible before forcing him to get ugly.

No, he has family in town starting today! I think he just was unsure what to do with his feelings, maybe scared, and I think if he wanted to close the door he would've said "listen I raelly don't have anything else to say, I'm very sorry and I wish you well." I think seeing how much emotion I had last night makes him think twice, and that's why he's saying let's just take a few days to think things through before we talk

[thecrucible]

He could've said "I really care about you but it won't work out and I really have nothing further to discuss. I'm sorry." There is no reason a person would suggest talking in a few days after we both have time to think through what happened last night, if they truly wanted to be rid of you. I really had been casual, pretty emotionless, the opposite of needy - which he acknowledged- and I think that caused him to believe we had no "deep connection." He really might be changing his mind on that after seeing me cry and realizing how deeply I did care

 

All I know is that I've seen it myself and even though I deny it from time to time, I know that when a man really wants you he makes that clear and nothing is going to stop him from being with you.

 

Men just don't think the same way as women, I believe (correct me male posters if I'm wrong). I just can't see a man spending that much time mulling over something. In my experience, once a man has made a decision about something, that's it and it's not going to change. So I don't have high hopes unfortunately, OP.

 

But please take the time to yourself. Do something to make you feel good and resist the urge to text him. It will pay off. Take yourself for a manicure, go to the gym, just look after yourself and do what you want to do.

 

Also don't worry about being 'emotionless'. Again, I think if the guy was worth it, he'd still stick around and try to get you out of your shell. Example - guy I mentioned above didn't care about finding out about me but he wanted me to worship him because his ego was through the roof. Last guy I went on dates with, he told me he couldn't figure me out but he was still interested in seeing me. If I had been in a better place, I would have given it a go and I do regret it. But the point is, if a guy is into you, it doesn't matter about this sort of thing as he'll want to make it work and keep seeing you.

 

Also remember that when a man talks about a "deep connection" being missing, that is going to mean different things to different guys depending on their personality. So to one guy, it may mean spending time with him doing things he likes, pr having certain interests in common; to another, he might enjoy thoughtful conversation...anyway you get the idea. His idea of what constitutes a "deep connection" may be different to yours.

[JasmineJones]

Were you behaving in this same cling, needy way during the relationship? That would be what put him off