"No Connection" after an awesome month???

[kendahke]

What could i have POSSIBLY done to not be realtionship worthy??? Just because I didn't pull out all the stops and do everything humanyl possible to connect deeply to him after only a month?!!

 

Sometimes, no matter how good of a person we may believe ourselves to be, the other person has preferences they're entitled to have when it comes to what they're looking for in someone else... and it doesn't mean that you are not worthy. It means you're incompatible with that person. Period.

 

If he truly liked me and cared enough to look horribly sad and physically sick with our convo last night, then can he really just never speak to me again?

 

Yes and you will have to accept it.

 

Maintain your dignity and grace.

 

He may have hated having to say this to you because he may think of himself as a good person who doesn't hurt people, but it would have hurt you far more if he'd lied to you and strung you along when he knew all along that your relationship wasn't providing him what he was looking for. And yes, perhaps he didn't give it enough time, but in the end, he's an adult who is allowed to decide for himself who he wants to build a relationship with. Just because you have interest doesn't mean he's obligated to submit himself to a relationship with you. No one has that right over another person.

[katiegrl]

 

 

***So I guess I wonder how to be that girl the guy is smitten with... Instead of the one whom he thinks is really hot, enjoys hanging out and getting food and sleeping together, but doesn't take seriously?! ***

 

 

 

Because I have an extremely successful career, am very smart, have my head on straight, value family and religion... The only thing I can imagine I did "wrong" w this man is being too aloof, making him initiate most of our dates and texting. Which is why I've been convinced that expressing how much he meant to me the other night will "fix" it

 

Quote above in asterisk-- STOP throwing yourself at men sexually. STOP presuming your sexuality and so-called "hotness" are gonna cause men to be smitten with you.

 

With this guy, you said yourself you greeted him at the door with sex! Men do not "emotionally bond" with women through sex. They become sexually bonded, but when that is all you offer, that is all they will feel.

 

No doubt he was *sexually* attracted but because you are essentially an emotional cripple in so many ways yourself (and you need therapy to help you with that) and don't have a clue how to emotionally bond yourself, no man will ever feel emotionally connected to you.

 

Sexually, yes. Emotionally, no.

 

Your ex didn't, your ex before him didn't, and THIS guy didn't.

 

Crying and telling him you care WILL not cause a guy to feel emotionally connected to you! I don't know why you think it does, cause it does not. He is done and he feels sorry for you and is trying to let you down easy, and that is all.

 

Look at your ex for crying out loud. With all the crying, and other histrionic behavior you exhibited, literally begging him to marry you, he still NEVER felt emotionally connected to you.

 

YOU need to emotionally connect with YOURSELF first before any man will.

 

This is why you need therapy!

 

Good luck rams...I hope you now realize you need therapy to help you with all this and get the help you need.

Edited October 19, 2015 by katiegrl

[KatZee]

So I guess I wonder how to be that girl the guy is smitten with... Because I have an extremely successful career, am very smart, have my head on straight...

 

Are you sure? Based on your previous threads, based on this thread, I have to tell you, your head is not on straight at all.

 

You've been on prescription medication for mental problems. You've admitted you need therapy.

 

You are now off medication, and you have not sought therapy.

 

You live in a delusional world that lacks boundaries, you see what you want to see, you hear what you want to hear, and those things are not reality.

 

If you keep living in the land of denial you are going to keep screwing up relationships.

 

You have a lot more important things to focus on than how to be a girl guys want to date. Fix yourself internally first, become whole first, become healthy first. Until you do those things, nothing is going to work out. There are no shortcuts here, there are no quick roads. Do the work.

Edited October 19, 2015 by KatZee

[Itspointless]

There is apparently backstory regarding this poster. It goes beyond being love obsessed etc. Therapy would be the most beneficial course of action, gotta agree with the posts reiterating that.

Yes and yes.

 

I can give you some pointers and sorry Rams for talking about you instead with you. Caring guys turn her off, which made me realize she is anxious attached. She admitted that after doing an attachment test I linked too. She had a controlling dismissive mother and a father who wants to please. She has worked her whole life very hard to please her mother as that meant her mother had attention for her. It made her also realize a career where she is earning six figures. As she has became used to working hard hard in relations she also became used to accepting being treated like garbage. That was the case in her last relationship (emotional abuse) and the one before that (emotional and physical abuse). She is attracted to men who are cold and dismissive, men who dress classy and preferably men with the same profession as hers. She is convinced that after her hard work she deserves winners like that. And last but not least her last thread was about avoiding the mistakes she made before: the main message she got told was that she was too needy and clinging, hence her trying to be light-hearted this time.

 

Sorry Rams, I feel a bit mean by writing all of this down, but you seriously need help by a therapist which I though you were having.

[Disconnect]

Rams, your listening skills are extremely poor; you don't listen to anyone here and you didn't listen to this guy saying he's just not feeling the connection. See any parallel?

 

Someone telling you there is no connection is as final as it gets; it leaves no room for manoeuvre / working out a problem together.

 

The truth here is that he's a nice guy who doesn't have the heart to let you down brutally. People, especially men, do this around the world every day.

 

Him being sick doesn't mean he cares about you, it means he finds it very hard to break up with people. If he really wanted to be with you he wouldn't have dumped you. Simple as that.

Edited October 19, 2015 by Disconnect
Typo

[pcs13]

So I guess I wonder how to be that girl the guy is smitten with... Instead of the one whom he thinks is really hot, enjoys hanging out and getting food and sleeping together, but doesn't take seriously?! Because I have an extremely successful career, am very smart, have my head on straight, value family and religion... The only thing I can imagine I did "wrong" w this man is being too aloof, making him initiate most of our dates and texting. Which is why I've been convinced that expressing how much he meant to me the other night will "fix" it

 

Yeah this is exactly how I feel. I alway try to act cool so that I don't come off as too needy but if you don't open up then the other person won't do the same. Next time try not to be afraid to let him know you like him and wanna do things with him because whatever you do, if he likes you he won't think you're needy for that, as long as you still have your own life and don't make him your world.

[rams10]

Pcs13 I agree, but knowing that I've been aloof is the only reason I have hope that once I finally cried and showed I really cared about him, he'll change his mind about us not having a connection. Basically it made no sense for him to say that when we'd just had a wonderful dinner together- made me almost wonder if he was "testing" me to see how strongly I really felt , like if I wouldn't care and quickly leave when he said what he said, or if I'd express my true feelings

 

I also have to ask, what is everyone else claiming I have to "work on" because I'm so severely "messed up"?

[losangelena]

So I guess I wonder how to be that girl the guy is smitten with... Instead of the one whom he thinks is really hot, enjoys hanging out and getting food and sleeping together, but doesn't take seriously?! Because I have an extremely successful career, am very smart, have my head on straight, value family and religion... The only thing I can imagine I did "wrong" w this man is being too aloof, making him initiate most of our dates and texting. Which is why I've been convinced that expressing how much he meant to me the other night will "fix" it

 

I wish you'd move away from this notion that you did anything "wrong." There's no magical way to get a guy to be smitten with you.

 

If you had been less aloof, he may have broken up with you anyway, and you'd be here blaming yourself for not being aloof ENOUGH.

 

Even if that WAS the case (which I don't think it is), a hail mary pass is probably not going to change anything. The best you can do is learn from this and apply it to the next guy you meet.

[Leigh 87]

So I guess I wonder how to be that girl the guy is smitten with... Instead of the one whom he thinks is really hot, enjoys hanging out and getting food and sleeping together, but doesn't take seriously?! Because I have an extremely successful career, am very smart, have my head on straight, value family and religion... The only thing I can imagine I did "wrong" w this man is being too aloof, making him initiate most of our dates and texting. Which is why I've been convinced that expressing how much he meant to me the other night will "fix" it

 

You could be a beauty queen and a super model in addition to having a successful career AND having an amazing personality.

 

And you still wouldn't make every guy fall for you.

 

The right chemistry is either present or it's not. No amount of beauty or success or a great personality wil make all men fall for you and become smitten.

 

Yes some women are wildly beauty with a pleasing personal and they get more men to fall head over heels for them than others. However, the fact remains; even my 9/10 beauty queen look alike friend doesn't get all men to go all goo goo gaga over her (I've had men tell me tba they find me more attractive and she doesn't make all men smitten wth her, although she certainly makes a much higher proportion of men smitten with her than I do)

 

Loomk, the connection and the magic is either there or not...... being attractive and successful will increase your options however, it won't make every man be smitten with you.

 

As I said, not even my 23 year old friend who is just as pretty as most models and she's successful, cannot get all men to fall enamored for her. I think she had one guy during uni, and another guy later on from uni who were enamored by her....and her ex and her current were smitten obviously. Even the prettiest women in the room don't make every man they meet fall hard for them. .....

 

Your career success does not matter when it comes to true love and the right connection. .......I am a student with no career atm yet I've had three or four men in the last 4 months fall smitten with me. One of them was better looking than me and successful. So without your career success and with my 6.5/10 looks, I managed to find men smitten with me.

 

So attractiveness, career success and having an amazing personality aren't enough to make a guy smitten with you....

 

True chemistry and a true connection aren't going to be there due to your level of success and attractiveness alone; there needs to be that magic there that no one can measure and quantify. It's intangible and your current guy may very well fall head over heels for a plain Jane who works as a cashier.

[Itspointless]

I also have to ask, what is everyone else claiming I have to "work on" because I'm so severely "messed up"?

Rams I have spent hours on you, you know that? That was my own choice as I wanted to help you and actually was concerned about you.

 

But here it goes: you need to work on your self-esteem and find good models who can teach you what secure attachment is.

[StBreton]

Quote above in asterisk-- STOP throwing yourself at men sexually. STOP presuming your sexuality and so-called "hotness" are gonna cause men to be smitten with you.

 

With this guy, you said yourself you greeted him at the door with sex! Men do not "emotionally bond" with women through sex. They become sexually bonded, but when that is all you offer, that is all they will feel.

 

No doubt he was *sexually* attracted but because you are essentially an emotional cripple in so many ways yourself (and you need therapy to help you with that) and don't have a clue how to emotionally bond yourself, no man will ever feel emotionally connected to you.

 

Sexually, yes. Emotionally, no.

 

Your ex didn't, your ex before him didn't, and THIS guy didn't.

 

Crying and telling him you care WILL not cause a guy to feel emotionally connected to you! I don't know why you think it does, cause it does not. He is done and he feels sorry for you and is trying to let you down easy, and that is all.

 

Look at your ex for crying out loud. With all the crying, and other histrionic behavior you exhibited, literally begging him to marry you, he still NEVER felt emotionally connected to you.

 

YOU need to emotionally connect with YOURSELF first before any man will.

 

This is why you need therapy!

 

Good luck rams...I hope you now realize you need therapy to help you with all this and get the help you need.

 

Reading this thread has been cringeworthy. Sorry OP ...I concur with the many others.

 

The thing you did with answering the door and offering sex then asking how his day was ...just way over the top for a new relationship ... you've rushed the intimacy when there was no real intimacy ...that would come off scary to me ...just sayin. Food for thought for the next guy ...slow that down.

 

Also ...Katiegrl you have so much wisdom ...can you maybe suggest a few ways in which rams can build that deep connection/emotionally connection with someone to whom she has a liking?

 

Perhaps this could be a new thread? Just some light at the end of the tunnel for the OP

[kendahke]

Pcs13 I agree, but knowing that I've been aloof is the only reason I have hope that once I finally cried and showed I really cared about him, he'll change his mind about us not having a connection.

 

No, quite the contrary. It means you'll manipulate through tears and plenty of men do. not. like that or appreciate that manipulation tactic--because it's not truly how you feel. You weren't being honest and authentic. You're operating with a 'lack' mentality and trying to scramble to keep this guy tucked up into the void you're filling with him. If you really cared about him, it shouldn't have taken until now for you to get a clue.

 

Basically it made no sense for him to say that when we'd just had a wonderful dinner together- made me almost wonder if he was "testing" me to see how strongly I really felt , like if I wouldn't care and quickly leave when he said what he said, or if I'd express my true feelings

 

It makes no sense because it doesn't fit the narrative you're constructing about yourself and this involvement, but it makes perfect sense. To him, you're a nice person but he needs someone more authentic. You're too busy trying to be everyone you're not just in order to keep someone who isn't a good fit for you.

 

I also have to ask, what is everyone else claiming I have to "work on" because I'm so severely "messed up"?

 

Honey, go re-read your threads. It's spelled out quite clearly in all of them.

[katiegrl]

Pcs13 I agree, but knowing that I've been aloof is the only reason I have hope that once I finally cried and showed I really cared about him, he'll change his mind about us not having a connection. Basically it made no sense for him to say that when we'd just had a wonderful dinner together- made me almost wonder if he was "testing" me to see how strongly I really felt , like if I wouldn't care and quickly leave when he said what he said, or if I'd express my true feelings

 

I also have to ask, what is everyone else claiming I have to "work on" because I'm so severely "messed up"?

 

I guess because my post (no. 152) was more than one paragraph you did not read but again crying will NOT cause a man to become emotionally connected to you!!.

 

He will either feel sorry for you or think you are unstable and psycho.

 

Please read these posts! As KatZee said earlier, you are missing valuable information.

 

Don't you want to learn? If you cannot afford therapy then please read ALL these posts, not just the ones with one paragraph or less!

Edited October 19, 2015 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

Reading this thread has been cringeworthy. Sorry OP ...I concur with the many others.

 

The thing you did with answering the door and offering sex then asking how his day was ...just way over the top for a new relationship ... you've rushed the intimacy when there was no real intimacy ...that would come off scary to me ...just sayin. Food for thought for the next guy ...slow that down.

 

Also ...Katiegrl you have so much wisdom ...can you maybe suggest a few ways in which rams can build that deep connection/emotionally connection with someone to whom she has a liking?

 

Perhaps this could be a new thread? Just some light at the end of the tunnel for the OP

 

Thank you StBreton .....but I really have no more wisdom than anyone else. In fact, there are many posts on this thread and others that are way more informative than mine.

 

I have known rams for a long time and I think what would benefit her the most is professional therapy.

 

I am not a therapist. I am a legal assistant who happens to be very intuitive and perceptive about certain things...

 

But thank you again for your kind words, much appreciated!

[katiegrl]

rams, how did you become so *successful* at work with such a limited attention span?

 

So limited that you are incapable of reading and understanding posts longer than one or two short paragraphs?

 

And you have been claiming for the last three years you are moving "next year" for your job ...

 

Three years ago you said the same thing, but you are still here, claiming now it's *next year."

 

Something is not jiving about all this, sorry.

[Guyouthere]

I'm going to say this…. same thing I said to the last girl I was with….

 

and I will say it because you remind me a lot of her in how you are acting.

 

Unfortunately you will scare any guy away who tries to get close to you. You need to be happy with yourself, and the only way you will do that is in therapy for your issues. You need a good therapist because none should be alone if they choose not to be. There shouldn't be "issues" that keep someone from being happy in their life, especially ones that they had no say in (like from their childhood).

 

My last girl had that, and it affected her to the point where it controlled her life, and I didn't even know it until I got away from it all and learned some things of my own.

 

Your situation is a sad one, but the only way out is to do your best to fix it within you. For my last girl, I don't even think it is possible given the level of her personality now.

 

Do this for you, and also for anyone else you come across in the future.

 

Unfortunately, you can continue to care and love this guy as you see it, and live in your own world, but it won't be real nor will it be productive.

[losangelena]

Hey guys, I have an idea. Why don't we just all stop replying to this post en masse, since it's clear OP is either not paying attention or is disregarding very valuable information because it's not what she wants to hear.

 

Because you know the definition of insanity ...

[Guyouthere]

Hey guys, I have an idea. Why don't we just all stop replying to this post en masse, since it's clear OP is either not paying attention or is disregarding very valuable information because it's not what she wants to hear.

 

Because you know the definition of insanity ...

 

Insanity is not believing Elvis is dead.

 

I know, because I was behind him in Wal-Mart last night.

[StBreton]

rams, how did you become so *successful* at work with such a limited attention span?

 

So limited that you are incapable of reading and understanding posts longer than one or two short paragraphs?

 

And you have been claiming for the last three years you are moving "next year" for your job ...

 

Three years ago you said the same thing, but you are still here, claiming now it's *next year."

 

Something is not jiving about all this, sorry.

 

Rams ...reading your posts ...I get the feeling you're stuck in a loop of which you have difficulty extricating yourself from ...and when you are able to ...you find yourself in a other loop Do you know what circular reasoning is? I recommend looking it up. You seem to get stuck on a small premise as pointed out by the above poster that you appear to not read more than one paragraph. I think you do read all paragraphs except you myopically concentrate on that which pertains to the loop of which you're currently in.

 

I'm dizzy reading your reasonings ...I can't personally understand why you can't see the forest for the trees ...but maybe because you're not in a forest at all but instead some whirlpool/vortex?

[Guyouthere]

Correction…. Insanity is believing Elvis is dead.

[katiegrl]

Rams ...reading your posts ...I get the feeling you're stuck in a loop of which you have difficulty extricating yourself from ...and when you are able to ...you find yourself in a other loop Do you know what circular reasoning is? I recommend looking it up. You seem to get stuck on a small premise as pointed out by the above poster that you appear to not read more than one paragraph. I think you do read all paragraphs except you myopically concentrate on that which pertains to the loop of which you're currently in.

 

 

 

***I'm dizzy reading your reasonings .***

 

 

..I can't personally understand why you can't see the forest for the trees ...but maybe because you're not in a forest at all but instead some whirlpool/vortex?

 

Can you imagine how those in her real life must feel?

 

Dealing with this every day?

 

I don't think he left her because he felt no emotional connection. That was just an excuse.

 

He left because he sensed something is very *off* with the OP, which there is .... for which she needs professional help with to resolve.

[StBreton]

Can you imagine how those in her real life must feel?

 

Dealing with this every day?

 

I don't think he left her because he felt no emotional connection. That was just an excuse.

 

****He left because he sensed something is very *off* with the OP, which there is *****.... for which she needs professional help with to resolve.

 

Not meaning to be harsh but I truly believe this. We can't be sure why the guy felt ill the evening in question ...but as I read the thread further I got the distinct feeling his head was spinning from the situation and realized he needed to extricate himself ... Sorry OP ...but I don't do the slow fade or ghosting routine ... if I were to break up with someone I do so directly ...and if the guy tried to thwart my best laid plans by reconstructing history as the OP attempted to (I really did like you this whole time!) as though that would matter... my head would start spinning. I think the OP doesn't realize most people operate under logical thinking and not circular

Edited October 19, 2015 by StBreton

[KatZee]

Can you imagine how those in her real life must feel?

 

Dealing with this every day?

 

I don't think he left her because he felt no emotional connection. That was just an excuse.

 

He left because he sensed something is very *off* with the OP, which there is .... for which she needs professional help with to resolve.

 

And going off this possible scenario, we can hypothesize that this guy is being "kind" and saying he'll talk to her in a few days in order not to set her off in some way.

 

If he knows something is off about her, but he's not quite sure what, he could just be playing it safe.

[Odinani]

I suggest you go this home unannounced today OP and ask him to reinstate your relationship.

[JasmineJones]

This thread feels pretty judgy. I do not know the OP's history though. She is far from the only person on this forum to be posting hopeful threads about situations that are obviously toxic beyond repair.