"No Connection" after an awesome month???

[KatZee]

This thread feels pretty judgy. I do not know the OP's history though. She is far from the only person on this forum to be posting hopeful threads about situations that are obviously toxic beyond repair.

 

It's "judgy" because a lot of people apparently do know her and her backstory. I was writing pretty huge walls of text and was then informed of the background. History of mental illness, doing this same thing guy after guy, being on medications, ceasing that medication, looking into therapy, then not following through.

 

I think it comes of "judgy" to an outside eye, but once you have the whole picture it's just a whole lot of sad truth. Until OP makes a change, this kind of thing is going to keep happening.

[J21]

I think some people want their advice to be heard more than what is in the best interest of the OP. They honestly come off as wanting to be "right".

 

Stop reiterating the same thing over and over and bashing on rams.

 

She was asking for thoughts and you guys gave it to her. Now its like you guys are putting her down because she doesn't want to listen. If she doesnt want to listen, that is on her. No need to say she is crazy, needs therapy, etc--making her feel worse than she already does.

 

Cheer up rams. Whether you are right or wrong, nobody here really has any right to judge.

 

Consider everyone's advice here, and you do what you feel like you gotta do.

[JasmineJones]

It's "judgy" because a lot of people apparently do know her and her backstory. I was writing pretty huge walls of text and was then informed of the background. History of mental illness, doing this same thing guy after guy, being on medications, ceasing that medication, looking into therapy, then not following through.

 

I think it comes of "judgy" to an outside eye, but once you have the whole picture it's just a whole lot of sad truth. Until OP makes a change, this kind of thing is going to keep happening.

 

what sort of mental illness?

[Jessie1231]

I think some people want their advice to be heard more than what is in the best interest of the OP. They honestly come off as wanting to be "right".

 

Stop reiterating the same thing over and over and bashing on rams.

 

She was asking for thoughts and you guys gave it to her. Now its like you guys are putting her down because she doesn't want to listen. If she doesnt want to listen, that is on her. No need to say she is crazy, needs therapy, etc--making her feel worse than she already does.

 

Cheer up rams. Whether you are right or wrong, nobody here really has any right to judge.

 

Consider everyone's advice here, and you do what you feel like you gotta do.

 

She does need therapy though. People saying that aren't being "judgy" or mean, they are giving actual advice - get therapy. Based on this thread and the last one about the ex boyfriend it is blazingly obviois she needs professional help.

 

Men are clearly showing no interest in a relationship with her but she creates scenarios in her head where they really secretly care and she just needs to find the magic idea that will make him realize and show it and stay in the relationship. So that would be why people are saying get therapy.

[KatZee]

what sort of mental illness?

 

Not information I'm going to post publicly about, not really important what kind. But based on prior posts of hers, it's something that was being handled, and isn't any longer. It has an absolute impact on her relationships.

[J21]

She does need therapy though. People saying that aren't being "judgy" or mean, they are giving actual advice - get therapy. Based on this thread and the last one about the ex boyfriend it is blazingly obviois she needs professional help.

 

Men are clearly showing no interest in a relationship with her but she creates scenarios in her head where they really secretly care and she just needs to find the magic idea that will make him realize and show it and stay in the relationship. So that would be why people are saying get therapy.

 

Just because someone decides not to take the said advice doesnt mean everyone can gang up on her and start putting her down. This is like starting to become some form of internet bullying.

 

If she doesnt want to listen to the advice, who cares?

 

Why are people so hell bent that their advice must be heeded to the point of putting her down and being judgmental? Just doesnt make sense

[siriusp]

Yes.. J21 - I was thinking that. I can feel her pain... and obviously it is bothering her and she needs support more than put downs or negativity.

 

I understand everybody wanting to give advice and I think it is good advice but when someone is so obviously having difficulty with emotions - I think we all have to really take care to be very sensitive.

 

Well that's my two cents anyway.

[Itspointless]

I think in this thread people are pretty nice to her and I have been nice for the last couple of months. But right now I am a bit astonished as the cycle has begun again within a month about someone else.

 

I still would like to help her though but do not get the feeling that she wants our answers. And yes some of those answer are from my own experience as having had relationships with someone I think in hindsight was a borderliner and someone else who was dismissive-avoidant attached (two different sides of the spectrum). If I want a good relation in the future that means I also have to take a look at myself. it is from that place I am talking about therapy.

[KatZee]

Just because someone decides not to take the said advice doesnt mean everyone can gang up on her and start putting her down. This is like starting to become some form of internet bullying.

 

If she doesnt want to listen to the advice, who cares?

 

Why are people so hell bent that their advice must be heeded to the point of putting her down and being judgmental? Just doesnt make sense

 

Oh stop it. No one here is bullying her. Not even a little bit.

 

When you come here for advice, sometimes you get coddled, other times, you get the tough love.

 

She has created thread after thread of this same problem. Asking how she can change, how can she be different, how to stop making the same mistakes, how to get men to love her.

 

She has gotten GREAT advice, her choosing to ignore it and disregard it is of course, her choice. But when you create thread after thread, you get the veteran members on here really starting to have their patience wane thin.

 

99.9% of the members on this site are not bullies. They genuinely want to help people, and they spend their own free time giving great advice to those who seek it.

 

When you have a member who spins down the same path, disregarding all help, refusing help, refusing to see what is right in front of them, some members really start to feel that their time is being wasted.

 

But no one here is ganging up on her to "judge her." We are all genuinely trying to help. And advice of: Do whatever you wanna do, is extremely counter productive to her getting well.

[JasmineJones]

Just because someone decides not to take the said advice doesnt mean everyone can gang up on her and start putting her down. This is like starting to become some form of internet bullying.

 

If she doesnt want to listen to the advice, who cares?

 

Why are people so hell bent that their advice must be heeded to the point of putting her down and being judgmental? Just doesnt make sense

 

Real pack mentality happening here, I agree. If the OP suffers from some mystery mental illness which others are now reluctant to name, then none of these other posters are qualified to counsel here, presuming they are not psychiatrists. Presumably some of these posts could even make OP's emotional state worse, if she is reading these posts. And others here have said OP doesn't read posts that are more than one paragraph long. If that is the case, why do they keep posting long replies here then?

[siriusp]

Oh stop it. No one here is bullying her. Not even a little bit.

 

When you come here for advice, sometimes you get coddled, other times, you get the tough love.

 

She has created thread after thread of this same problem. Asking how she can change, how can she be different, how to stop making the same mistakes, how to get men to love her.

 

She has gotten GREAT advice, her choosing to ignore it and disregard it is of course, her choice. But when you create thread after thread, you get the veteran members on here really starting to have their patience wane thin.

 

99.9% of the members on this site are not bullies. They genuinely want to help people, and they spend their own free time giving great advice to those who seek it.

 

When you have a member who spins down the same path, disregarding all help, refusing help, refusing to see what is right in front of them, some members really start to feel that their time is being wasted.

 

But no one here is ganging up on her to "judge her." We are all genuinely trying to help. And advice of: Do whatever you wanna do, is extremely counter productive to her getting well.

 

This I am wondering about?

 

Might it not be better for her to do what she wants so that she knows the truth? (I admit I have not read all the other threads - just this one). When she is aggressively told that she is not wanted - it may hurt and she may be without her dignity but maybe she needs it to be brutal before she wakes up?

 

I don't know. I am obviously not a therapist but whatever is going on here doesn't seem to be working. I really feel for her.

[KatZee]

This I am wondering about?

 

Might it not be better for her to do what she wants so that she knows the truth? (I admit I have not read all the other threads - just this one). When she is aggressively told that she is not wanted - it may hurt and she may be without her dignity but maybe she needs it to be brutal before she wakes up?

 

I don't know. I am obviously not a therapist but whatever is going on here doesn't seem to be working. I really feel for her.

 

No. It would not be beneficial for her to do what she wants, only because she kind of lives in her own world. If left to her own devices and didn't take some of the advice here, I really fear what she would do in her personal relationships.

 

For example, this guy flat out told her he didn't want to be with her, and that they have no emotional connection. Instead of her saying, "OK i respect your decision, take care" she instead thinks he's lying and that he's going to give her another chance.

[Itspointless]

This I am wondering about?

 

Might it not be better for her to do what she wants so that she knows the truth? (I admit I have not read all the other threads - just this one). When she is aggressively told that she is not wanted - it may hurt and she may be without her dignity but maybe she needs it to be brutal before she wakes up?

 

I don't know. I am obviously not a therapist but whatever is going on here doesn't seem to be working. I really feel for her.

To be honest that was what I was scared about in the previous thread: things that might terribly gone wrong.

[KatZee]

To be honest that was what I was scared about in the previous thread: things that might terribly gone wrong.

 

And if you catch up on the previous threads, it HAS gotten brutal. Like, EXTREMELY brutal. And instead of being like, "Wow! this guy is such a piece of garbage!!! :mad:" She asked how to get him to love her.

[Itspointless]

And if you catch up on the previous threads, it HAS gotten brutal. Like, EXTREMELY brutal. And instead of being like, "Wow! this guy is such a piece of garbage!!! :mad:" She asked how to get him to love her.

Yes, I can imagine. As I think I am responsible for a quarter of the 500 responses in the thread before this one and the things she told there.

[siriusp]

And if you catch up on the previous threads, it HAS gotten brutal. Like, EXTREMELY brutal. And instead of being like, "Wow! this guy is such a piece of garbage!!! :mad:" She asked how to get him to love her.

 

That's really sad. I am starting to understand now. I am very sorry for OP. It reminds me of battered women that beg their abuser to come back. It doesn't make any sense to those (us) watching but in their minds - it somehow does?

[Itspointless]

It reminds me of battered women that beg their abuser to come back.

siriusp her exes where abusive, the last one emotionally.

 

I want her to be happy and have a good relationship. But that takes some work.

[siriusp]

I know a woman that behaves like this. She refuses to accept reality and continues to get beaten and abused. It is terrible to watch but it seems that there is nothing I can do to help her either.

[losangelena]

Just because someone decides not to take the said advice doesnt mean everyone can gang up on her and start putting her down. This is like starting to become some form of internet bullying.

 

If she doesnt want to listen to the advice, who cares?

 

Why are people so hell bent that their advice must be heeded to the point of putting her down and being judgmental? Just doesnt make sense

 

This is true, but as KatZee and others have already pointed out, this OP has a LONG prior history of repeatedly asking for advice and then not heeding it. It's human nature to get frustrated with someone who seems to be stuck in a cycle as is doing nothing to interrupt their own counterproductive flow.

 

I think what you're reading is frustration, not bullying.

 

At a certain point, if OP doesn't want the advice, she could stop asking for it as well.

[BC1980]

This I am wondering about?

 

Might it not be better for her to do what she wants so that she knows the truth? (I admit I have not read all the other threads - just this one). When she is aggressively told that she is not wanted - it may hurt and she may be without her dignity but maybe she needs it to be brutal before she wakes up?

 

I don't know. I am obviously not a therapist but whatever is going on here doesn't seem to be working. I really feel for her.

 

But the thing is that she does do what she wants to do. She disregards all advice that is given in any of her threads, and look where it's gotten her. Still creating threads about the same issues.

[Itspointless]

I know a woman that behaves like this. She refuses to accept reality and continues to get beaten and abused. It is terrible to watch but it seems that there is nothing I can do to help her either.

Yes it is sad, and I accepted this trying to just be there for her as I was sure she would go back to that guy. But yesterday I got very surprised suddenly reading this thread (within a month) about someone else. I am still trying to understand that twist, as I thought and think I see and understand why Rams thinks that with the previous guy was love.

 

Also very sorry to hear about that acquaintance of yours.

[siriusp]

But the thing is that she does do what she wants to do. She disregards all advice that is given in any of her threads, and look where it's gotten her. Still creating threads about the same issues.

 

Yes. I realise now that some people have a different 'reality'. I thought about someone I know that allows her children to be abused, gets beaten, cheated on and much more but will beg the man in question to stay with her?

 

It makes no sense to most of us but it seems to make sense to her?

[rams10]

Saying that this guy is distancing himself from me because it was so obvious to him that there's something "wrong" with me seems way harsh. I can look back on our texts and it's clear: I wasn't over eager, wasn't clingy. If he said he was going out with friends id say have a great time, not ask where he was, how it was, when I could see him again, etc. I could go a whole day without texting him at all if he hadn't texted me at all. I didn't ask a bunch of questions about "us" or marriage or anything else serious early on.

[Itspointless]

Saying that this guy is distancing himself from me because it was so obvious to him that there's something "wrong" with me seems way harsh. I can look back on our texts and it's clear: I wasn't over eager, wasn't clingy. If he said he was going out with friends id say have a great time, not ask where he was, how it was, when I could see him again, etc. I could go a whole day without texting him at all if he hadn't texted me at all. I didn't ask a bunch of questions about "us" or marriage or anything else serious early on.

Rams there probably is also something off with him. You remember how I told that we somehow are attracted to people who are not always the best for us. If I notice chemistry with someone, These days my guards go up as usually it is a bad sign, it got me into trouble before.

[siriusp]

Rams there probably is also something off with him. You remember how I told that we somehow are attracted to people who are not always the best for us. If I notice chemistry with someone, These days my guards go up as usually it is a bad sign, it got me into trouble before.

 

I think that is very true. I would take it a step further and say that it is best to completely avoid relationships until you really love yourself - and know who you really are and what you have to offer. Know what you want and what you are willing to accept or not.

 

You will never find love from someone when you do not love yourself. If you are not able to be happy alone - then you are wasting your time trying to have any relationship - It is not going to work.