I cheated and now he hates me...

[agordon]

This is going to be a long post, but here goes....so I had been with my boyfriend a year, and I love him to the bottom of my heart. A few months ago my brother came to me needing money, and I gave him several thousand. I am a college student, and this completely drained me, and I never told my boyfriend ( I maintained to him that I still had my savings because he had previous told me to cut him off). I should have been honest, but i was so afraid of turning into a burden...but that was stupid, i know he wouldn't have felt that way, but i have insecurities, and panicked and did whatever it took to cover up.

 

I started really struggling, and I started to date men for money, using a website ( long story, but I hadn't made the website, a crazy ex had but I used it). His friend found the website, and my boyfriend kicked me out and hasn't spoken to me since( it's been 23 days). He doesn't know the reasons I did it, and he doesn't know that I NEVER had any physical or emotional attachment. I flirted with the guys online, met them for like 20 minutes at a restaurant and took the money and left, and I only did it a couple times.

 

I understand it's still cheating, and I feel horrible. I wish I would have been honest, and I'm trying to leave him alone but he hates me and I'm panicking again. He blocked me on Facebook and my phone number and broke off a friendship with people that still talk to me. How ever, I'm pretty sure he logged onto my Facebook because I got a notification that there was a log on from the same OS he has and he is the only one who knows the password. He also accused me of stalking him, because a girl I don't talk to anymore asked her coworker( his neighbor) if she and him were dating and he thinks I'm keeping tabs.

 

I swore to him he could have all my passwords from now on, and I would do anything to prove to him he can trust me. I've never cared for anyone else, and I never could have touched anyone else ( I have a long history of sexual abuse, and the fact that I'm attracted to anyone is a miracle). I truly want him back in my life, and I just don't know what to do. I've tried to take the time to reflect, and I know that what I did was so wrong. My judgment was horrible and caused a lot of pain, and I don't want pity but I don't want him to think I got off scottfree either.

 

I thought he was dating someone else, and I texted him and told him( before he blocked me but idk if he actually read it) that I was truly sorry, and that I wanted him to be happy, and that I loved him. It crushed me, and I know how he feels, and I want him back more than anything.

 

I don't know what to do here. We had a really good relationship, our fights always ended up being constructive one way or another. I've been in a serious relationship before, but I've never loved someone like this. I've been trying to move on, but he and I did everything together, and I miss him more than words. He consumes my every thought, and this whole situation makes me so sick, I can't eat, I barely sleep, and I've lost almost 20 pounds.

 

Someone please help me. I know he's probably angry, hurt, confused, and he acts like he's fine in front of all his friends ( that's just what he does when he's upset). I just want him to forgive me and let me be in his life again. I would do just about anything to get him back.

Edited October 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MidwestUSA]

I'm sorry, but if dating men for money seems a safer bet than being honest wth your boyfriend about your money going to help your own brother, your morals and values don't line up with his. And probably wouldn't line up with those of many.

 

 

Chalk it up to experience and move on, as he has. Why was your boyfriend telling what to do/not do with your money in the first place?

[TaraMaiden2]

I think her ex was not so much telling her what to do/not do with her money; I think he was advising her to cut her brother off - so it seems her brother is a spongebag who has no qualms about getting money from her.

 

What the reasons/justifications are behind that, who knows.

He has basically drained her dry.

 

But as for the remainder of MidwestUSA's post, regarding how you chose to regain the money?

I have to agree.

 

You slept with men, for money, and now you want your ex back in your life?

 

I think with some justification, he has decided to move on.

You cheated, lied to him, went against his advice (which seems sound, given that you don't mention your brother actually agreeing or promising to pay you back AT ALL!) and you want him to forgive and move on?

 

Sorry, it's not going to happen.

[BetrayedH]

Assuming he's local, you can always try talking to him to explain, apologize, etc..

 

But honestly, if I had discovered a website my GF was using to date other men for money, I wouldn't believe any explanation. Being caught lying about something that big leads to your boyfriend believing that you're a liar. I'm afraid you may have to sleep in this bed you've made.

[agordon]

I never slept with anyone but him, he saw all of the messages and I never responded to anyone who seemed to have that idea...I know I lied, but I panicked. And I have apologized, but he hasn't even spoken to me to really hear any of what I've said. As for my brother, yes, he has asked for a lot of money because he has issues with getting jobs. But I finally told him no more. I was going to delete the site and I had already talked to my boyfriend saying I wanted a second job. I knew it was wrong. I just justified it to myself, he's told me he flirts with girls at his work to get them to buy things, and I just convinced myself it was OK because i was just doing the same thing ( i know its not the same). We were planning to move in together and I didn't know how to tell him I was completely broke.

[BetrayedH]

You can explain to us until the cows come home but it's not going to help.

 

Can you go and see him?

 

Aide note: if he's got a habit of flirting with women enough to get them to buy him things, I don't think you've lost anyone great here. And yeah, it sounds like you were doing the same thing as he was.

[isolatedgothic]

It bothers me that this boyfriend of yours thought it was his business to tell you what to do with your money. It's your money. It's your brother. He can tell you it isn't a good idea to give this brother money, but from the sounds of your story, you were afraid to tell the boyfriend that you felt led to help your brother. You were afraid of something - judgment, abandonment, abuse. I am not sure. You just didn't feel like you could be honest with him, and it sucks to have that kind of a relationship.

 

It is your money. It isn't the boyfriend's money, nor his family.

 

It sounds to me like this boyfriend is super controlling. Otherwise, you could have said to the boyfriend, "I might really regret this later, but I am going to help my brother this time." Then, the boyfriend could have said, "Okay dear, you do what is best. I don't think it's a good idea, but you do what you think it is best." You would have felt validated and supported. Instead, you did what you felt was right and hid it from your boyfriend, but then felt too afraid to admit to your boyfriend what you had done.

 

Relationships where you have to keep secrets out of fear are doomed. You shouldn't have to live that way.

 

My feeling is that whether you dated men for money, or whether you gave money to your brother, you were bound to lose this gem of an opinionated boyfriend. I hope that you are able to let go, as this boyfriend clearly thinks he wants to move on. Think of it this way - he isn't someone you can be transparent with. You fear his judgment. If you cannot be honest and transparent with someone, they aren't right for you. That's just what I am finding in this world as I travel through it.

[TaraMaiden2]

that's a good angle to approach it from, isolatedgothic.

 

This is where it helps to garner the POVs of more than one person....

[TX-SC]

You know what kind of man your BF is and the two of you obviously share a lot, inuding discussions of finances. If you welcomed his opinion in the past, I see no reason to be down on him for advising to NOT give into your needy brother. Those calling your BF controlling really don't know your situation any more than I do, so I'm not sure it's justified. It does concern me that he flirted for gifts and that you felt the need to lie about this to him. Do you see him as controlling and does he go overboard about your finances or any other matter? You need to make THAT determination, not us

 

So, lets get back on track here. If you have a friend who will do so and knows your BF, hand write him a note. Explain to him what you did and why. Tell him what you told us and explain why you love him and how much. Then have the note delivered by your mutual friend. That way he can read it at his pace and when he is ready. Don't type it. Hand write it. This is a huge breach of trust, so give him some time to digest it all.

[sandylee1]

The BF wasn't telling her what to do with the money as I understand it. They were planning to move in together and she didn't have the savings that he was aware of. She would have had to explain she'd given it to her brother, who is always in financial distress.

 

I would not want a guy who flirted with women at work to buy him stuff. I'm assuming you don't just mean a cup of coffee they bought him.

 

The difference is you advertised yourself on a website making it very public and extremely embarrassing as people you both know could see the website.

 

Can I ask .....didn't you know you'd be moving in together when you gave the cash to your brother?

 

I believe (for what it's worth) that you never got physical with the guys, but I understand your BF would not believe it. I feel like I would want to explain the truth to him if I were you. Not to reconcile, but just so he wasn't left with the view that I was some kind of escort or online hooker.

 

I'd probably do it by writing a letter, explaining everything and making it clear that you aren't doing this for the sole purpose of reconciling, but just so he knows the truth.

[anika99]

He doesn't know the reasons I did it, and he doesn't know that I NEVER had any physical or emotional attachment. I flirted with the guys online, met them for like 20 minutes at a restaurant and took the money and left, and I only did it a couple times.

 

The above doesn't make any sense. What were these men giving you money for if you weren't having sex with them? Were you scamming them?

 

Doesn't really matter because either way it was a very deceitful and dishonest way for you to behave in your relationship. I think you just have to let your bf go and learn from this. There are married couples who fight a huge battle trying to recover their marriage after an affair. It is a hard uphill struggle that most people probably would rather pass on but they do it because of the investment in the marriage and what they stand to lose by divorce. Kids, house, history, money, etc. You and your bf aren't married and don't have a lot invested in each other apparently, so best to just make a clean break.

[dreamingoftigers]

The above doesn't make any sense. What were these men giving you money for if you weren't having sex with them? Were you scamming them?

 

Doesn't really matter because either way it was a very deceitful and dishonest way for you to behave in your relationship. I think you just have to let your bf go and learn from this. There are married couples who fight a huge battle trying to recover their marriage after an affair. It is a hard uphill struggle that most people probably would rather pass on but they do it because of the investment in the marriage and what they stand to lose by divorce. Kids, house, history, money, etc. You and your bf aren't married and don't have a lot invested in each other apparently, so best to just make a clean break.

 

I am very confused by this. Men will actually pay to just "meet for a date?"

 

With no physical contact?

 

As the BF, I would NEVER believe that, regardless of what the messages said.

[italianjob]

I am very confused by this. Men will actually pay to just "meet for a date?"

 

With no physical contact?

 

As the BF, I would NEVER believe that, regardless of what the messages said.

 

I agree, never heard of anything like that...

 

If I was her boyfriend I would not believe for a second that sex was not involved...

 

Sorry, but I don't think you have a chance to convince him, I think you should just move on...

[TaraMaiden2]

When the words "I cheated, and now he hates me" appear as the title of a thread, we take it as read that the OP cheated.

 

Suddenly, she didn't....?

[veggirl]

This makes no sense. You tried to make up for THOUSANDS of dollars by meeting with men "for 20 minutes" in coffee shops?

 

Really? What men will pay a woman to sit down for 20 minutes and then bounce?

 

Your ex won't believe that story because frankly it's unbelievable.

[Marc878]

Unfortunately for you there isn't a fix for this. Move on and please learn.

 

The BF was right cut your brother off. He needs to figure out his own life like everyone else. Especially if it's in the thousands of $'s????????

[Poutrew]

Well at least there is a silver lining to this story, even if you did loose your boyfriend. If you can let a strange man buy you lunch at a fancy restaurant, as well as to pay you real money for the 20 - 30 minutes you take to eat the food, then I'd say you have found the way to riches and economic success. Sounds like the only down side to this process is putting on too much weight from eating all those lunches every day...

[agordon]

Yeah, he saw the website..it was a pay for dates thing. Like you literally just go meet them and they pay you. I wasn't trying to get back thousands that way, I only made a few hundred because I would NOT have had sex with anyone. I just needed quick money, the situation got bad before I knew we'd be moving in together, and I only needed a few hundred to help with move in costs for our new place because he was ALWAYS stressed and complaining about money...

[agordon]

But I'm pretty sure he believes that I never slept with anyone. He read through all the messages and saw I didn't reply to anyone weird. I don't even touch handrails in public places so I'm pretty sure he knows I'm not going to risk sex with anyone else( and he hasn't gotten tested so I have a feeling he believes me). But the issue is that he won't talk to me AT ALL. Even if he and I don't get back together, I feel we need to talk because I am normally a really honest person, and I normally hold myself to really high moral standards. I have never been a liar until now, I've never stolen, and I would do anything to help anyone, and I just want him to see that I know what I need to change, and have already started working on it. Even though there was literally no physical contact, cheating is cheating on any level. If it's interaction with the opposite sex that you don't want your significant other to know about is cheating. And the worst is that I lied and betrayed him, and I didn't trust him but I know now that my insecurities were the real root of the problem. Reasons aren't excuses but it doesn't mean they don't matter...

[qubist]

But I'm pretty sure he believes that I never slept with anyone. He read through all the messages and saw I didn't reply to anyone weird. I don't even touch handrails in public places so I'm pretty sure he knows I'm not going to risk sex with anyone else( and he hasn't gotten tested so I have a feeling he believes me). But the issue is that he won't talk to me AT ALL. Even if he and I don't get back together, I feel we need to talk because I am normally a really honest person, and I normally hold myself to really high moral standards. I have never been a liar until now, I've never stolen, and I would do anything to help anyone, and I just want him to see that I know what I need to change, and have already started working on it. Even though there was literally no physical contact, cheating is cheating on any level. If it's interaction with the opposite sex that you don't want your significant other to know about is cheating. And the worst is that I lied and betrayed him, and I didn't trust him but I know now that my insecurities were the real root of the problem. Reasons aren't excuses but it doesn't mean they don't matter...

 

keep texting him or emailing him, make sure to ever stop expressing that recognize your mistake and promise you won't do it again.give him some time some of us take longer to forgive don't give up

[BetrayedH]

I really don't mean this to be unkind, but if he was chatting it up with other chicks to get them to buy him stuff, I can't imagine that he was into you enough that he's going to bend over backwards to work this out. Sounds more like he's a player.

[agordon]

That's not what he was doing...He admitted to doing a little work place flirting ( he works retail) to get customers to buy products

[bubbaganoosh]

Look. You screwed this up royally and now you have to pay for your mistake.

 

Couple comments said that your BF was telling you what to do with your money and I think he saw that your brother was a sponge and warned you about it. You didn't listen and the only one that came out smelling like a rose is your brother.

[Mrs. John Adams]

As heart broken as i know you must be...I am going to give you the advice i would give to my daughter.

 

There are just some things in life that we do...some choices we make...that we don't get a second chance to do over.

 

We hopefully are smart enough to learn from our mistakes and don't make them again.

 

You made a lot of mistakes in your scenario...you lied, you were secretive, you cheated...FOR MONEY....

 

And sometimes the things we do no matter how sorry we are...bite us in the ass. Sometimes we cannot control how others respond or react to what we have done. We can maneuver and manipulate and do our best to make people do what we want them to do...but sometimes...we just cannot win.

 

Your boyfriend....has made up his mind. You crossed his line....he may still love you....but he cannot within himself forget what you have done. There is a real thing called self preservation...we all have it. I am very sorry that you did this to yourself....and you have no one to blame but you. You made very poor decisions...and now you must pay the piper.

 

I know you do not want to hear this...but i think you should leave your boyfriend alone. Stop begging...stop trying to manipulate. Accept that the consequences for your choices are real and learn from the mistakes you have made.

 

I wish you the best of luck in doing better and i am very sorry for your boyfriend...i know he is devastated.

[Try]

I really don't mean this to be unkind, but if he was chatting it up with other chicks to get them to buy him stuff, I can't imagine that he was into you enough that he's going to bend over backwards to work this out. Sounds more like he's a player.

The OP never said that "he was chatting it up with other chicks to get them to buy him stuff". The OP said that "he flirts with girls at his work to get them to buy things", which sounds like he is a salesman that sometimes uses charm on female customers to sell stuff. Not at all the same thing as going on to a site with the specific intent to charge men to spend time with you. BTW, if she and her Johns do not want to get arrested for prostitution, they would know not to talk about anything to do with sex in their communications. If her boyfriend has figured this out, this is why her boyfriend would never be 100% satisfied that there was no sex even if he did review these communications.