Should he give his ex wife a second chance?

[Glynda]

I'm posting this for a friend of my husband's whom I think could use some advice.

 

My husband's friend(I'll call him Mike) was married for 10 years, dated 3 before that. They had a good marriage then his wife got contacted by an ex on Facebook. She called the ex and told him she was married and to leave her alone, which he did at first, then he started texting her a few months later, then they started an emotional affair. They divorced when she ran off another state to be with the ex.

 

It took Mike a long time to get over it and he also went through financial hardship because of the divorce, and later job loss, then the death of his mother which almost put him over the edge. He got a new job and is in counseling now, which is really helping, and he's started to date again. The lady he's dating is a former friend of his ex-wife, who quit being her friend after she cheated on Mike because, according to Mike, she doesn't associate with cheaters.

 

Now Mike's ex-wife is calling him wanting to reconcile, since it turns out the ex hasn't changed much since they were originally together and she realized she made a mistake leaving him. She has since broken up with the ex(she was one the one who broke it off when the were originally together) and wants Mike back.

 

Mike is torn saying he still has some feelings for her, but doesn't think he can forgive what she did or even trust her again yet at the same time, he wishes things could be as they were with them before. Mike's former mother in law, whom he's still friends with, wants them to get back together because she thinks they were good for each other.

 

Mike is just very torn and doesn't know what to do. I recently had an ex come looking for me on Facebook and had to get rid of him because even though he said he only wanted to be friends, he immediately revealed he wanted more.

 

I think Mike should move one and leave the ex behind, but I was wondering what some of you thought.

[kgcolonel]

Personally, I think Mike would be making a huge mistake here, however I would test the EX as to her commitment....I would tell her that he would not even consider R until she repaid him for all she received in the D settlement.

 

I'll bet that this will put the brakes on this conversation and show your husband's friend where the EX stands and what is important to her. At any rate, I seriously doubt that any attempt to R here would result in anything other than taking him back to the days when she bailed on him and the M. The current GF sounds awesome and loyal....the EX has proven just the opposite and he'll have an extremely hard time ever trusting her again.

 

Close the book and move on....newer and better chapter in his life is in front of him. I have heard it said that the only thing worse than staying in a bad situation is staying there one day more......

[Jersey born raised]

No

 

Rather then confront the issues in the marriage ad fight to save it, she cut and ran. She is doing it again with the ex.

 

Part of me feels she is comparison shopping and will continue to do so.

 

Could you provide more info into the dyamics of this railed marriage?

[starpower]

Things will never be as they were or as they were before. That is just a fantasy. He has to realize he was second choice.

[SandraTempleton]

Sounds like the ex wife caught wind of his new relationship and decided to come back to mark her territory. From everything you've said, it sounds like she's just jealous to me and wants to know she still has him on a short leash and he will do exactly as she says.

 

I say no need to say yes and see how this plays out for a second time. Sounds like he has a cool new girlfriend. And I can't imagine she will stick around and wait for him if he goes crawling back to the ex wife and she breaks his heart again.

 

P.S. I'm 0/3 for getting back with my ex boyfriends... Pretty sure I've learned my lesson by now that sloppy seconds doesn't seem to work. And from what I understand a lot of people have similar records. Plus it's not like they were dating and took time off. They were married for ten years...

[kendahke]

I'm posting this for a friend of my husband's whom I think could use some advice.

 

My husband's friend(I'll call him Mike) was married for 10 years, dated 3 before that. They had a good marriage then his wife got contacted by an ex on Facebook. She called the ex and told him she was married and to leave her alone, which he did at first, then he started texting her a few months later, then they started an emotional affair. They divorced when she ran off another state to be with the ex.

 

It took Mike a long time to get over it and he also went through financial hardship because of the divorce, and later job loss, then the death of his mother which almost put him over the edge. He got a new job and is in counseling now, which is really helping, and he's started to date again. The lady he's dating is a former friend of his ex-wife, who quit being her friend after she cheated on Mike because, according to Mike, she doesn't associate with cheaters.

 

Now Mike's ex-wife is calling him wanting to reconcile, since it turns out the ex hasn't changed much since they were originally together and she realized she made a mistake leaving him. She has since broken up with the ex(she was one the one who broke it off when the were originally together) and wants Mike back.

 

Mike is torn saying he still has some feelings for her, but doesn't think he can forgive what she did or even trust her again yet at the same time, he wishes things could be as they were with them before. Mike's former mother in law, whom he's still friends with, wants them to get back together because she thinks they were good for each other.

 

Mike is just very torn and doesn't know what to do. I recently had an ex come looking for me on Facebook and had to get rid of him because even though he said he only wanted to be friends, he immediately revealed he wanted more.

 

I think Mike should move one and leave the ex behind, but I was wondering what some of you thought.

 

I do, too.

 

Mike needs to move on. There's nothing there to go back to. He's got someone new and should look forward to that, not backwards to his messy ex.

 

Here's the thing: there's this little feature on Facebook that allows you to block anyone from contacting you.

 

The plain truth that you've laid out above is that she chose, even after she told this jerk that she was married, TO NOT BLOCK HIM FROM CONTACTING HER.

 

Which means she wanted the attention from him.

 

It was her responsibility to honor her vows and not put her marriage asunder and she did it anyway. Now, she's caught out and doesn't want to be alone and face the consequences of her actions; hence her wanting Mike to take her back. Why doesn't she just live her life alone since not being married to Mike was what she wanted? And his MIL needs to worry more about that mess of a daughter she raised than Mike's love life. He most certainly should not reconcile with his ex in order to please his MIL.

 

I had an ex from waaaaay long ago contact me at the end of last year, talking about how he's thought of me all throughout the years and wanted to find me to try to get back with me. I was single at the time this happened, so I was like "ok... let's see what's up". You know what was up? Them acting the exact same way they did back when I dropped them off at the mall. I immediately put him on block on all communication devices and social media. I dont' have time for do-overs in my life at my age. No. Come correct or stay the eff home.

 

THAT is how you handle ex's. If they have not done anything that remotely looks like intensive therapy to resolve what is was on their end that blew up the relationship, then you're dealing with the same old same old and whatever it was that broke you two up is still sitting there waiting on you to get back together in order to reanimate.

 

I would tell Mike to read this thread of answers if he needs clarity. His new girlfriend doesn't deserve an emotionally fragmented man.

Edited October 19, 2015 by kendahke

[xpaperxcutx]

Why would he reconsider a woman who had put him so much suffering and intense hardship? This wasn't a regular relationship where gf dumped bf. She was a wife who'd stepped outside her boundaries for an affair.

 

If she'd been really sorry, she wouldn't have initiated divorce and ran off with her ex.

 

She's making a mockery of their former marriage.

 

Your friend is better off dating the current gf.

[sandylee1]

Absolutely not.

 

She isn't worth it and it's best to leave her in the past. She made her position clear, Mike has moved on and should not look back.

[bubbaganoosh]

If he does then it's like opening the door for the same problems he had with her before.

 

There's a reason for the divorce. She cheated. She can promise him it wont happen again but didn't she promise him that when they got married and look what happened.

 

He should tell her no and move on. Why run the risk.

[Glynda]

Some great answers here, pretty much taking my side, even though I would be curious to know what she'd say about paying back the divorce settlement.

 

My husband told Mike about this thread and he said he'd come here and check it out. When my husband first talked to Mike about this, it was just after he'd gotten the call from the ex so he was probably a little shook up about it. Mike has since talked to his counselor who didn't tell him what to do, but made Mike realize that even though some feelings are still there, he probably won't get back what they had before. Apparently they had a good marriage before this, at least that's how it appeared. Mike has also asked his counselor to help him work through the feelings about his ex wife so he can get over her. He was getting over her pretty well, but then the call set him backwards a little.

 

Hopefully, his counselor and support from his friends will help him get back on track after this setback.

[stillafool]

Good for Mike that he hasn't taken her back. I think it's a bad idea for the friend to get involved with Mike. If she's against cheaters she ought to be against dating her friends ex husband as well. It's clear Mike is not over his ex wife and needs more time to work through this.

[Glynda]

Good for Mike that he hasn't taken her back. I think it's a bad idea for the friend to get involved with Mike. If she's against cheaters she ought to be against dating her friends ex husband as well. It's clear Mike is not over his ex wife and needs more time to work through this.

 

The way I look at it, since he's no longer married, he's fair game for any single woman who is interested, and that's how his new girlfriend feels. They got together because a former coworker of the ex-wife invited him to her wedding and the new girlfriend was there. They talked and hit it off and he asked her out and it's been good so far. He knew this lady before but has said he would never have pursued her because he was married but since he's single now, it's different. Mike knows he still has issues with his ex-wife, but he's in counseling and working through it one day at a time.

 

Me and my husband went out with Mike and GF over the weekend and I learned a few things about his marriage. He actually seemed to have a good marriage during the 10 years they were together and they didn't have any serious conflicts. There was one conflict involving Mike's job and how hi ex thought he should move on from it. He made good money, had good benefits, and was happy with his job and workplace except he had been repeatedly passed over for promotion due to politics. She thought he should try to get another job and he looked for a while and couldn't get an interview so he gave up.

 

I did get to learn how all this happened how she was contacted by an ex on Facebook and he started acting like he was interested, similar to what happened to me recently. The ex had dated this guy off and on years ago and admitted she'd been serious about him, but broke it off with him because he cheated on her with multiple women. She called him on a speaker phone with Mike in the room and told the guy it was over a long time ago and he needed to move on and he appeared to agree to do so. However a few months later, he started texting her and they eventually started talking on the phone. Mike noticed this activity on the cell phone bill and went snooping in her phone and found the texts, one of which included a picture of a nice house in a gated community, and sent himself copies of the messages prior to confronting her. She said that she thought she was over him but wasn't and had feelings for this other guy but said they could work it out, but she kept talking to him and then left shortly after.

 

Mike went through hell after the divorce because he ended up having financial problems and lost his job due to outsourcing, then his car was totaled in an accident and he was injured and ended up buying a lemon that turned into a money pit so he ended up in debt. He did find a job that paid better than his old one, then his mother died which he feels guilt over because the inheritance he got, a small amount of money, her paid off condo, and her car which was more reliable than his, pulled him out of the financial hole he was in.

 

Now she wants him back because she caught the guy she was with cheating again and he said he'd stop, but he didn't, so she moved out of his house and is now struggling to make ends meet. She got wind of the new GF and asked her to back off because she wants to get back with him, but the new GF said no and made it clear they are no longer friends.

 

Mike does admit that he does still have some feelings for his ex, but is finally realizing that there is no chance of things ever being like they were before so he doesn't want her back. He plans to tell his former mother-in-law the same thing and if it ends the friendship, so be it because not all friends are forever.

 

It's a very sad situation that could have been mine if I hadn't sent my Facebook ex packing almost immediately. I think Mike is on the right track and hope he stays that way. He's a great guy who deserves to be happy and he won't be if he takes his ex back.

[kendahke]

I wish Mike all the happiness and success in the world. I encourage him to continue building a relationship with his new girlfriend. His ex will figure her way out of the picture.