HOW DO WE GET OUT OF AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE?

[Serendipity and Destiny]

We are two twins just about to approach 18 and our father is insisting that we have an arranged marriage. We don't want this but our father has said that if we don't go through with it then we will be scared for the rest of our lives. So far he has tolerated our English boyfreinds but now he is insisting we marry two of our distant cousins, Amit and Abdul. We are scheduled to fly over to Pakistan soon but we are refusing to go. We are both in love with our English boyfreinds and feel that is the road we want to walk in life. Our mother is English but refuses to stand up for us or she will be thrown out of the Asian community. What can we do? We need help and quick!

[Tony T]

Well, I don't want to create an International incident...but I'm with both of you. It's funny...I was just talking yesterday about arranged marriages with a lady who's parents are from Pakistan who visits this forum regularly. She'll have nothing of it.

 

If you weren't currently in love, an arranged marriage might stand a bit of a chance. Believe it or not, adults who can see people objectively can usually find a very good mate for one of their children who can grow in love with the pick as time goes on.

 

But the best way is to do your own picking based on your feelings and desires.

 

There are several things you can do. First, until you are 18 you are under the direct supervision of your father. However, in most counties a contract (which marriage is) entered into under duress is unenforceable. That means it has no effect under law. So if you are forced to marry someone against your will, you may have it immediately annulled (made invalid) in Britain or the United States upon your return. I am assuming you are in one of those countries...you did not say. It would be very helpful to know what country you are in at present.

 

So you can tell your father if he forces you to marry someone against your will, there will be no basis in contract, no meeting of the minds, no willfullness on your parts, and therefore you will take any and all legal action necessary to have the marriage declared invalid. Now, I really don't know if British or US courts would have jurisdiction over a marriage performed in another country...you may have to call an attorney in your area to ask that question.

 

It is simply superstitious bullcrap or some kind of cultural thing that you will be harmed in any way if you don't marry these boys your dad has picked for the two of you. Quite to the contrary, you may have very sad lives if you do. Who knows?

 

I don't feel real comfortable advocating disrespect for one's parents but once you're 18 you can respectfully decline this offer of the arranged marriages.

 

Your best bet would be to consult an attorney in the country where you reside crrently and see what your rights would be at age 18. You also need to describe to that attorney exactly what your legal status is in that country and what laws you are under. If you are there on a temporary visa, you may not be under the law of that country with regards to this matter. If not, you could always apply for citizenship to become under their law.

 

Once you find out what your legal rights are, you could seem to go along with your father and pacify him. Let him think you are fine with the idea...but then, when you are 18, you can take advantage of the laws which will protect you.

 

This is a difficult matter. If you were in the US, there would be no problem at all. If Britain recognizes age 18 as the age of legal adulthood, then use the stalling tactic and assert your rights under law at that time.

 

If for some reason you have to go through with these marriages, the day you turn 18, do whatever you have to do to end them.

 

I hope the lady from Pakistan sees this and addresses the issue. I'm sure she will be by here sometime today so stop back. She will surely have an answer for you. In the meantime PLEASE LET US KNOW EXACTLY WHAT COUNTRY YOU ARE IN!!!

[Serendipity]

I am from Manchester, England. I have lived here all my life. Me and my twin Destiny don't understand any other way of life. We are too westernised. We wear jeans and Ben SHerman shirts to college and have never been asked by our father to wear robes, we diye our hair and wear make up. Why try to convert us now? As far as we are concerned we are English, and I want to stay here and live my life the way it always has been. Our father isn't very strict religion wise but we have trouble coping with our religion, Muslim. We are English by nature, if not by colour.......

[Tony T]

I don't feel your father can legally, and certainly not morally, force you or your sister to marry anyone you do not wish to marry. In the eyes of any God, no bond can be formed between two people if one or both are in protest.

 

Keep this matter tentative and just stall for time until you are 18. At that time, you will not have to submit to your father's wishes in this matter. But in all other ways that you deem to be fair and appropriate, respect the wishes of your parents.

 

Unfortunately (or, perhaps, fortunately), there is a great gap between certain of the ideals and beliefs of your father and those of you and your sister. You are certainly old enough to make proper determinations about your destiny.

 

Do all you can to keep this marriage business on hold until you are 18 and able to politely decline your father's request. Rather than being firm and contrary and arguing with your father, be kind to him and reason with him...no matter how he becomes. Keep your cool. He will eventually see your resolve. If you react to this with anger toward him, this will only serve to strengthen his position. Keep your cool and remain calm at all costs. Deal with him with patience and logic.

 

Please check back at this board later tonight. I'm sure you will get some insightful information from someone with first hand knowledge of the Pakistani culture.

[sparkle]

Hello,

 

I'm from Pakistan too although I've lived in the US most of my life. And I'm not too much older (21) than you two, so I understand what you two are saying. I've seen this situation occur with many friends of mine.

 

First of all, you two will need to sit down with your mother and father and discuss this issue in detail. The way you discuss this will make all the difference. If you sit down and become rude or won't listen to what he says, it will just make your father more upset and too stubborn to listen to you.

 

Think before you speak. Don't say anything out of anger. Remain calm and point out why you don't agree with this. Tell him what you like and don't like. But remember not to turn this into a shouting match. He will be much more willing to listen to you if you allow yourself to at least hear what he says before you tell him what you think. You basically have to persuade him to change his mind. And the only way you can persuade someone is to "win them over", so to speak. "Daddy, I know you want the best for me but..."

 

Use all the options available to you. Talk this through your mother; she will be more likely to appreciate the problem. Try to get support from other relatives, family friends, or members of your community.

 

You said, "Our father isn't very strict religion wise but we have trouble coping with our religion, Muslim."

 

Your father cannot FORCE you to marry these two guys. You have trouble coping with your religion but maybe because you aren't aware of what it really says. Islam doesn't allow forced marriages at all. Point this out to your parents. If he's trying to tell you to agree with him because his religion states so, he is wrong.

 

In Islamic countries, there is no open dating. Your parents have the right to look for a potential husband for you and point him out to you. But they can only ASK you to marry him. If you say no, they cannot force you to marry him.

 

When getting married, there is an Islamic ceremony. Now there is a religious guy "molvi (?)" that is equivalent to a priest. He asks the girl if she agrees to it. If she says no, they will not go through with the marriage. Does your dad go to the mosque and pray? If he does, find out who the guy is there that leads the prayers. You can go talk to this guy and ask him for advice. He can speak to your father and tell him that he cannot force you to marry someone if you disagree.

 

If your father still won't listen to you, you can try to at least get him to delay it until later. Tell him, well we're going to start college soon...(or working soon..etc) and can we please wait another year or so? Tell him you'll consider it and need time to think about it but you don't want to rush into this kind of decision. Maybe if you all wait a while and think it over, you will be old enough to be out on your own in case he still tries to force you to get married.

 

Meanwhile, point out why you think this arranged marriage is a bad idea. I'll give you some examples of what my friends have discussed when this topic has come up:

 

-We've grown up in this country all of our lives, and it will be extremely difficult to adjust to a husband who is from a country which has a much strict culture.

 

-Our husband may not be able to cope with the way we dress, talk, or act and may ask us to act according to his culture.

 

-It is a real challenge bringing two people from extremely different cultures together.

 

-It may only cause problems for your family back in Pakistan and maybe embarrassment on your part. These guys may not like our different culture and will go back and tell your distant family about the things they see wrong with us. And their parents will then wonder whether you raised us right...

 

-We're young and we need more time to think about this. Maybe we'll change our minds and decide that we agree with you. Maybe not. But we definitely need to think about this and consider our options.

 

*Do bring this up nicely. We are NOT living in their country. We're in England. The laws here won't let us marry someone against our will. If you make us marry these guys, we'll go ahead with it, but end it when we're legally adults.

 

Tell him that if he forces you to marry someone you don't want to, then after you're married, you'll exercise these laws and end your marriage. I agree with what Tony said. Find out these laws. Talk to an attorney.

 

Maybe you may agree to go through with this and plan on getting out of the marriage afterwards. Let me remind you, things are MUCH harder to get out of after you're married than before you are. So do your best to convince your father BEFORE the wedding.

 

But whatever you do, do NOT goto Pakistan. I will tell you this much. If these guys are in some small village in Pakistan and you end up flying over there, they can get you married right away and try to keep you there. So BE VERY CAREFUL about this.

 

I hope that you are UK citizens. If you are forced into going, I suggest keeping a photocopy of your British passport, some money, and phone numbers of the British embassy with you at all times. I know this sounds extreme. But if this situation turns ugly, you will need to do this. The British embassy in Pakistan helps get its citizens out of trouble they might get involved in over there.

 

Anyhow, I don't mean to scare you with the above. Just trying to point out different scenarios. Ask me any other questions if you like...I really do understand where you're coming from. I'll look for an update.

[Rogue]

The problem as I see it isn't the arranged marriage. The problem is your father's attitude towards you. It's not about religion, it's not about culture. It's about your father being so insecure that he forces you into a lifestyle that's not yours but his. Like he's trying to make sure he'll never lose you by marrying you off into the family. I think he's suffering form the early stages of "Empty Nest Syndrome".

 

I know what it's like to argue with your parents over their "Old World" views. Parents raised in other cultures have an idealized memory of what their culture was like. They seem to forget a lot of the bad things about it, and remember only positives. No wonder they think it's better than your current culture even though it isn't.

 

If you're going to fight your father in this, you'll need a few things to use as ammunition.

 

First thing is to ALWAYS use your parents as an example to prove your point. For example, my father used to be disappointed with me that I didn't study what he wanted me to (Medicine?!!?). I gently reminded him the HE didn't do what his father wanted, which was stay on the farm and not go to University. HAHA! Point scored. So WHY did your dad marry an English woman? I doubt if that marriage was arranged.

 

Second thing is to assert your independence from him. You will have to move out of the house eventually, even if only to go to post secondary education. You can get your own jobs and apartments soon. You're both almost old enough too. That's what my sisters did when they felt too much pressure from my parents.I did the same too. After awhile, my parents understood that we were big enough to make our own decisions,and they learned to let go.

 

Thirdly is to reassure them that no matter what, you will always be there. A lot of your father's pressure on you is based on HIS fears not yours. Maybe he's afraid you'll grow away from him and he'll feel abandoned. Maybe he feels guilty that he's not giving you the kind of care his Muslim parents gave him.Or maybe he's afraid you'll turn into "English" who are ashamed of their Muslim heritage. It could also be something else. But simply reassure him that you'll always be his daugthers should pacify him.( But you may have to move out anyways )

 

Lastly, recruit any relations you have to your cause. If not your mother, find an Uncle or Aunt or Grandparent who sees your point of view. What about someone from your Mom's side of the family?

 

Anyways good luck to you both. Don't give in to this arranged marriage,no matter what. You'll be miserable the rest of your lives if you do, then probably go on to resent your father for doing it to you. That's no way to live life.

[secretval]

Hello, I'm from Pakistan too although I've lived in the US most of my life. And I'm not too much older (21) than you two, so I understand what you two are saying. I've seen this situation occur with many friends of mine. First of all, you two will need to sit down with your mother and father and discuss this issue in detail. The way you discuss this will make all the difference. If you sit down and become rude or won't listen to what he says, it will just make your father more upset and too stubborn to listen to you. Think before you speak. Don't say anything out of anger. Remain calm and point out why you don't agree with this. Tell him what you like and don't like. But remember not to turn this into a shouting match. He will be much more willing to listen to you if you allow yourself to at least hear what he says before you tell him what you think. You basically have to persuade him to change his mind. And the only way you can persuade someone is to "win them over", so to speak. "Daddy, I know you want the best for me but..."

 

Use all the options available to you. Talk this through your mother; she will be more likely to appreciate the problem. Try to get support from other relatives, family friends, or members of your community. You said, "Our father isn't very strict religion wise but we have trouble coping with our religion, Muslim." Your father cannot FORCE you to marry these two guys. You have trouble coping with your religion but maybe because you aren't aware of what it really says. Islam doesn't allow forced marriages at all. Point this out to your parents. If he's trying to tell you to agree with him because his religion states so, he is wrong. In Islamic countries, there is no open dating. Your parents have the right to look for a potential husband for you and point him out to you. But they can only ASK you to marry him. If you say no, they cannot force you to marry him. When getting married, there is an Islamic ceremony. Now there is a religious guy "molvi (?)" that is equivalent to a priest. He asks the girl if she agrees to it. If she says no, they will not go through with the marriage. Does your dad go to the mosque and pray? If he does, find out who the guy is there that leads the prayers. You can go talk to this guy and ask him for advice. He can speak to your father and tell him that he cannot force you to marry someone if you disagree.

 

If your father still won't listen to you, you can try to at least get him to delay it until later. Tell him, well we're going to start college soon...(or working soon..etc) and can we please wait another year or so? Tell him you'll consider it and need time to think about it but you don't want to rush into this kind of decision. Maybe if you all wait a while and think it over, you will be old enough to be out on your own in case he still tries to force you to get married. Meanwhile, point out why you think this arranged marriage is a bad idea. I'll give you some examples of what my friends have discussed when this topic has come up: -We've grown up in this country all of our lives, and it will be extremely difficult to adjust to a husband who is from a country which has a much strict culture. -Our husband may not be able to cope with the way we dress, talk, or act and may ask us to act according to his culture. -It is a real challenge bringing two people from extremely different cultures together. -It may only cause problems for your family back in Pakistan and maybe embarrassment on your part. These guys may not like our different culture and will go back and tell your distant family about the things they see wrong with us. And their parents will then wonder whether you raised us right... -We're young and we need more time to think about this. Maybe we'll change our minds and decide that we agree with you. Maybe not. But we definitely need to think about this and consider our options.

 

*Do bring this up nicely. We are NOT living in their country. We're in England. The laws here won't let us marry someone against our will. If you make us marry these guys, we'll go ahead with it, but end it when we're legally adults. Tell him that if he forces you to marry someone you don't want to, then after you're married, you'll exercise these laws and end your marriage. I agree with what Tony said. Find out these laws. Talk to an attorney. Maybe you may agree to go through with this and plan on getting out of the marriage afterwards. Let me remind you, things are MUCH harder to get out of after you're married than before you are. So do your best to convince your father BEFORE the wedding. But whatever you do, do NOT goto Pakistan. I will tell you this much. If these guys are in some small village in Pakistan and you end up flying over there, they can get you married right away and try to keep you there. So BE VERY CAREFUL about this. I hope that you are UK citizens. If you are forced into going, I suggest keeping a photocopy of your British passport, some money, and phone numbers of the British embassy with you at all times. I know this sounds extreme. But if this situation turns ugly, you will need to do this. The British embassy in Pakistan helps get its citizens out of trouble they might get involved in over there. Anyhow, I don't mean to scare you with the above. Just trying to point out different scenarios. Ask me any other questions if you like...I really do understand where you're coming from. I'll look for an update. hi,

my boyfriend is from India and his parents ae trying to arrange his marriage now also. Is there anything for either the guy or the gril, that they can do to get out of this without being shunnded by their families and community?