Being pursued.....

[joseb]

He texts me everyday and sometimes I answer right away, sometimes I don't, for hours (my phone is glued to my hand at all times).

 

This is called playing mind games. Really shytes me that people resort to this cr@p.

 

Perhaps ungluing the phone from your hand might be a good first step in actually becoming like the busy person you are pretending to be.

[SammySammy]

It's like everything else, it depends on the woman.

 

Playing hard to get is a great way to get a guy's (or gal's) attention and to make them see that you're worth pursuing. BUT it's a delicate balance.

 

On one hand, you do not want to seem too eager or overzealous about a new person because you might be perceived as desperate or annoying. On the other hand, if they have not communicated with you for over two weeks or after calling them two or three times then they are probably just not that into you (and not just “playing hard to get”).

 

Usually it's about appearing mysterious and unavailable, but not so much so that the person pursuing you thinks getting a date with you is next to impossible.

 

It's almost instinctual in the beginning for women particularly, to behave this way. It's part of the dance between men and women however after a several dates and time spent getting to know each other, the only way a relationship can blossom is if a couple stops with all the pretense and work from a place of honesty and trust.

 

After the games, what happens when he finds out she's not mysterious or unavailable?

[PrettyEmily77]

Definitely a pursuer. Saves a lot of hassle + I don't have to double guess a guy's intentions. Short term stuff aren't my thing and being the initiator weeds out unwanted interest.

 

I find it a lot easier that way and have never had any complaints. In fact, I find men I have pursued to have been very receptive and a lot more easy going than I ever was whenever a guy did the pursuing (I really don't enjoy the process at all for my own reasons) once they get over the initial surprise, and my BF thought it was refreshing.

 

I never did OLD though, and have mostly initiated with guys I've at least heard of or are connected to my social circle in some way (friend of a friend or of my brother, etc.).

[Haydn]

Definitely a pursuer. Saves a lot of hassle + I don't have to double guess a guy's intentions. Short term stuff aren't my thing and being the initiator weeds out unwanted interest.

 

I find it a lot easier that way and have never had any complaints. In fact, I find men I have pursued to have been very receptive and a lot more easy going than I ever was whenever a guy did the pursuing (I really don't enjoy the process at all for my own reasons) once they get over the initial surprise, and my BF thought it was refreshing.

 

I never did OLD though, and have mostly initiated with guys I've at least heard of or are connected to my social circle in some way (friend of a friend or of my brother, etc.).

 

I never understood why so many think the bloke is naturally the one who chases. Always been both with me. I had a girl once turn up at various `indie` dives i would frequent as a troubled youth. She was quite clearly not an indie fan. She would chat to me whilst her mates looked on in disdain at the place they had been dragged to...

 

She said. `Here for you, not the music` We actually did quite well for a while. I was introduced to `pop music` and she had the chance to see the `Arctic Monkeys`

 

No issue with it all. Actually pretty normal round my way.

[PrettyEmily77]

I never understood why so many think the bloke is naturally the one who chases. Always been both with me. I had a girl once turn up at various `indie` dives i would frequent as a troubled youth. She was quite clearly not an indie fan. She would chat to me whilst her mates looked on in disdain at the place they had been dragged to...

 

She said. `Here for you, not the music` We actually did quite well for a while. I was introduced to `pop music` and she had the chance to see the `Arctic Monkeys`

 

No issue with it all. Actually pretty normal round my way.

 

Exactly.

 

I also really don't get the myth about guys not liking it, or that somehow they feel emasculated or something. On here maybe, but not IRL in my experience. Doesn't mean a woman is any type of dominatrix, doesn't mean that the guy who is being pursued isn't a confident, sociable guy. Just means a woman likes the guy enough to show her interest without ambiguity and has no problem initiating contact.

 

I find men who are confident enough in themselves and their masculinity to let themselves be pursued by a woman a big turn-on. It's very common in cosmopolitan cities where ppl are too busy living their lives to worry about who is doing the initiating.

 

Whatever works for you, really.

[Siquijor]

I just wonder why it can't be as simple as….

 

"I like you, I want to see you again, how do you feel and when would you like to go out again?".

 

Thats how my parents did it, and it worked for millions in the past.

 

Too much 'crap" now, and often the reason why so many simply miss out.

 

 

Yup.

 

 

I think too many women automatically think all guys enjoy the chase and I suppose I did enjoy the chase up to a point before I was strung along by one woman who just wanted an ego boost. From then on I changed and became disinterested in the games and began seeking out the more straightforward types of females. My current gf isn't afraid to speak her mind and is refreshingly open - so they are out there.

[Got it]

I see courtship like a tennis match. Regardless of who may "pursue" the other party must volley the ball back to have the game continue.

 

I will pursue when he has shown interest but I will not overly pursue without affirmation that he is equally in. It is a subtle game that I make sure I acknowledge any behavior that is in the direction I would like without going overboard.

[RedRobin]

I prefer a balanced relationship where both are initiating and both have no problems following from time to time.

 

If it is too skewed in either direction, I am not happy. I am not a passive person and it wouldn't work if the guy expected me to be passive. Nor do I want a passive guy.

 

Reciprocation is what I look for in order to determine interest and level of investment.

 

I have said that I have never chased a guy, and that is true. If I don't see reciprocation pretty quick, then I am out. The guys who are attracted to me appreciate that I don't play games with them. That they always know where they stand. That thing that some people call 'mystery'? I call drama. There is enough real drama in the world that we don't need to create it in our relationships. Just my 0.02

[MightyPen]

I prefer a balanced relationship where both are initiating and both have no problems following from time to time.

 

If it is too skewed in either direction, I am not happy. I am not a passive person and it wouldn't work if the guy expected me to be passive. Nor do I want a passive guy.

 

Reciprocation is what I look for in order to determine interest and level of investment.

 

I have said that I have never chased a guy, and that is true. If I don't see reciprocation pretty quick, then I am out. The guys who are attracted to me appreciate that I don't play games with them. That they always know where they stand. That thing that some people call 'mystery'? I call drama. There is enough real drama in the world that we don't need to create it in our relationships. Just my 0.02

 

I like pretty much all of this statement. I have initiated things with women but I never really felt like I had to "pursue" one to the extent that conjures images of cloak and dagger stuff where she was "always one step ahead" or you were trying to anticipate her moves or crap like that.

 

The ones who liked me reciprocated and the ones who didn't like me didn't, and I'm smart enough to know what that means. And I TOTALLY agree about the whole mystery/drama thing. Who in the world has the time or inclination to ADD stress and drama when a more straightforward approach is available (and preferable?)

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Well most women will not initiate conversation or break the ice with a man first

[smackie9]

Well most women will not initiate conversation or break the ice with a man first

If women did there wouldn't be a need for dating sites.

[Shanex]

If women did there wouldn't be a need for dating sites.

 

Some actually do. Very few. And sadly they face the "s" word if they do so.

[smackie9]

Some actually do. Very few. And sadly they face the "s" word if they do so.

I asked guys out all the time when I was single over 25 years ago, and no one ever called me or referred me as a s lut. That is just an old wives tale.

[Shanex]

I was referring to other women who wouldnt do that. I personally see nothing wrong with that. I would even encourage it. Its flattering for a man.

[smackie9]

I was referring to other women who wouldnt do that. I personally see nothing wrong with that. I would even encourage it. Its flattering for a man.

Most women don't do it because of that, they think they should be valued.

[joseb]

If women did there wouldn't be a need for dating sites.

 

Maybe if more men did, there wouldnt be either

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I asked guys out all the time when I was single over 25 years ago, and no one ever called me or referred me as a s lut. That is just an old wives tale.

 

well you are a very rare woman

[No Limit]

This pursuit-stuff sounds weird to me. If a guy shows interest I return it (or if not, things would end right there), we get talking and things progress from there. I don't like games - I won't pursue him, but also don't need to be pursued myself. If I returned the attraction I'd let the guy know. *shrug*

[salparadise]

I prefer a balanced relationship where both are initiating and both have no problems following from time to time.

 

If it is too skewed in either direction, I am not happy. I am not a passive person and it wouldn't work if the guy expected me to be passive. Nor do I want a passive guy.

 

Reciprocation is what I look for in order to determine interest and level of investment.

 

I have said that I have never chased a guy, and that is true. If I don't see reciprocation pretty quick, then I am out. The guys who are attracted to me appreciate that I don't play games with them. That they always know where they stand. That thing that some people call 'mystery'? I call drama. There is enough real drama in the world that we don't need to create it in our relationships. Just my 0.02

 

 

This is my preference too. I'm a 50/50 guy when it comes to pretty much everything about dating. I love competent women with a lot of confidence and emotional intelligence. No guessing games, no drama.

 

My girlfriend (of two months) send me the following text the morning after our first date, and it was the first text between the two of us: "Hi [sal]. It's [sally]. I enjoyed talking with you last night. Let me know if you'd like to get together again." Then we set up the next date.

 

I asked her out in the first message I sent her on the dating site, and she accepted in her first message to me. And in case you're wondering, she is extremely feminine, polite and soft-spoken. I don't guess I've ever experienced this degree of openness and ability to communicate... without it feeling like oversharing or soft boundary issues.

 

She's a keeper.

[RedRobin]

This is my preference too. I'm a 50/50 guy when it comes to pretty much everything about dating. I love competent women with a lot of confidence and emotional intelligence. No guessing games, no drama.

 

My girlfriend (of two months) send me the following text the morning after our first date, and it was the first text between the two of us: "Hi [sal]. It's [sally]. I enjoyed talking with you last night. Let me know if you'd like to get together again." Then we set up the next date.

 

I asked her out in the first message I sent her on the dating site, and she accepted in her first message to me. And in case you're wondering, she is extremely feminine, polite and soft-spoken. I don't guess I've ever experienced this degree of openness and ability to communicate... without it feeling like oversharing or soft boundary issues.

 

She's a keeper.

 

I give you credit for fine tuning your awareness, too. You've experienced a lopsided relationship in the past where you were likely doing most of the work, ostensibly with someone who was interested... But not interested enough to take the same kinds of risks you were. And who hasn't been in that position before. It sucks!

 

Glad that you can see, and are getting the opportunity to experience how a woman can be upfront without being desperate or 'manly', or any other of the sometimes negative connotations given to women who lean towards being more 'action oriented'...

 

Happy for you!

[salparadise]

I give you credit for fine tuning your awareness, too. You've experienced a lopsided relationship in the past where you were likely doing most of the work, ostensibly with someone who was interested... But not interested enough to take the same kinds of risks you were. And who hasn't been in that position before. It sucks!

 

Glad that you can see, and are getting the opportunity to experience how a woman can be upfront without being desperate or 'manly', or any other of the sometimes negative connotations given to women who lean towards being more 'action oriented'...

 

Happy for you!

 

Thanks RR- you have a good memory. Yes, the previous relationship served as a prime example of what I don't want. I promised myself this time to wait no matter how long. I went on plenty of coffee dates and first meetings, but refused to become entangled. It took a year. My lesson learned is that one must remain patient and unencumbered to be truly available. Thanks for the good wishes.