I need........... support

[Carriages]

Okay. Here goes.

 

I'm a 46 year old married man. In Oct 2013 I entered an extramarital relationship with a work colleague 21 years my junior. It has been...... both amazing beyond words, and painful beyond words. In Jul 2014, I confessed to my wife, and moved out. The relationship with the OW has sputtered, and after three months of not knowing where we're at, today it's been declared OVER.

 

I guess this is what I wanted, but I know if the OW had come to me wanting to keep trying, I would have been in there. Just being honest here.

 

I feel...... pumelled, and raw. I think I want to return to to my marriage. That is still an option. My wife and I agreed, that for this to ever happen we would have to be *better* than ever before. It'd take a degree of mental discipline, for sure.

 

But right now I'm just saying "help".

[whichwayisup]

DO NOT run back home, that's cruel and unfair to your wife. You walked out on a long marriage, hurt your wife deeply and turned her world upside so you can 'try a new life' with another woman.. 3 months later, the bubble popped and you got a reality check.

 

Be on your own. Communicate with your wife, allow HER to call the shots. You love her? You want another chance? EARN IT. Fix you. Be the man you were when you married her. She wants that guy, not the guy who is limping home with his tail between his legs and only is coming back because it didn't work out with the OW. Put yourself in her shoes and make it about her, not you.

 

DO counseling. Figure out why you left the life you built with your wife for someone you barely knew. Why you risked so much.

 

Don't just walk back home, apologize and hope she'll take you back. You messed up really really badly, you want your wife, prove to her that she can trust you again, that she can love you again and that you're worth it.

 

Sorry if my words come off harsh, but you need to keep an open mind, not be the victim and see the reality of what you've done.

[Carriages]

Yeah. She actually does want me back, and has always made that clear. And although the OW dumped me, on some level I've always known that's the outcome I wanted. So it's not *quite* only a case of limping back because it didn't work out with the OW, although I do take your point.

[Ifalltopieces]

Mind if I ask why it ended?

[Carriages]

Lack of trust, essentially.

 

I didn't totally trust the OW, and kept making "moves" to go back home (although never actually did). She was majorly hurt by this, the cycle repeated a few times until there really was nothing much left - although the "death phase" has taken nearly 4 months. I did make a full and genuine commitment to her at one point, but for her it was too little too late. She did have a sense of entitlement which I felt was out of whack with the reality of the situation.

[HopeForTomorrow]

Lack of trust, essentially.

 

I didn't totally trust the OW, and kept making "moves" to go back home (although never actually did). She was majorly hurt by this, the cycle repeated a few times until there really was nothing much left - although the "death phase" has taken nearly 4 months. I did make a full and genuine commitment to her at one point, but for her it was too little too late. She did have a sense of entitlement which I felt was out of whack with the reality of the situation.

 

Frankly you don't deserve either one of them.

 

Grow a backbone and some balls and make a decision that does not depend on your OW's decision. Do you want your wife back? Don't be wishy-washy and just do it because she's plan B.

 

If you can't figure out what you want, then leave both women alone and work on yourself.

[Carriages]

Frankly you don't deserve either one of them.

 

Grow a backbone and some balls and make a decision that does not depend on your OW's decision. Do you want your wife back? Don't be wishy-washy and just do it because she's plan B.

 

If you can't figure out what you want, then leave both women alone and work on yourself.

 

Ahhh go easy?? I have been deeply conflicted throughout this. Right now feeling like I've been hit by a train

[Mount]

So what do you mean by keeping making move to go back home but did not really act upon it? And why can' t you move back to wife now, because you don't want to?

 

 

Lack of trust, essentially.

 

I didn't totally trust the OW, and kept making "moves" to go back home (although never actually did). She was majorly hurt by this, the cycle repeated a few times until there really was nothing much left - although the "death phase" has taken nearly 4 months. I did make a full and genuine commitment to her at one point, but for her it was too little too late. She did have a sense of entitlement which I felt was out of whack with the reality of the situation.

[Carriages]

So what do you mean by keeping making move to go back home but did not really act upon it? And why can' t you move back to wife now, because you don't want to?

 

I would have "the talk" with the AP, say I was struggling (true), not ready to commit (also true) and that I wanted to return home. But then I'd freeze and never actually would, and instead would concentrate on getting the AP back. The problems that were evident in the marriage would come to the surface of my consciousness. I'd hesitate. To a varying degree of severity, this happened three or four times.

 

I *can* move back to wife now, but right now, with the way I'm feeling, I don't trust what I want. Far easier to take it slow than to jump back in and then realise it was the wrong thing.

[Adoraxx]

Sorry but I think this is a very odd thing to say:

 

"I guess this is what I wanted, but I know if the OW had come to me wanting to keep trying, I would have been in there."

 

WHY would she have to COME TO YOU wanting YOU to keep trying?? I know that if I want a man in my life, that I want HIM to come to ME and not the other way around! I certainly wouldn't want to go begging.

[Carriages]

Sorry but I think this is a very odd thing to say:

 

"I guess this is what I wanted, but I know if the OW had come to me wanting to keep trying, I would have been in there."

 

WHY would she have to COME TO YOU wanting YOU to keep trying?? I know that if I want a man in my life, that I want HIM to come to ME and not the other way around! I certainly wouldn't want to go begging.

 

I meant if *she* was wanting to keep trying.

 

Maybe it's for the best. There was a lot potentially wrong with the set up. The 21 year age gap, for starters. I loved her - I really did. But sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people.

[Poppy47]

I wouldn't like to be involved with you. If one woman doesn't work out, the other one will do...... SERIOUSLY?

 

Poppy.

[Sassy Girl]

You feel like YOUVE been hit by a train?

 

You must be kidding right?

 

Can you at least fathom for a minute what you've done to both of these women? OW chose her lot. She gambled, she lost. Funny thing about affairs with married men. Once OW gets her prize she then realised she's just won herself an untrustworthy cheater.

 

Your wife though? What did she do? Married you, kept vows, had your children, made you a nice home... Then you traded her in for a younger model at first opportunity. One that you couldn't even commit to.

 

Here's the scoop. The problem isn't the marriage, or th OW. The problem is YOU. You are not a safe bet for either woman. You do not love anyone more than you love yourself and you don't appear to have any empathy for what youve put them through, only concern for yourself and your feelings. I recommend being alone and spending the next six months in some intensive introspection to understand how you could become so self absorbed and cruel. You need counselling. Lots of it.

[truncated]

You feel like YOUVE been hit by a train?

 

You must be kidding right?

 

Can you at least fathom for a minute what you've done to both of these women? OW chose her lot. She gambled, she lost. Funny thing about affairs with married men. Once OW gets her prize she then realised she's just won herself an untrustworthy cheater.

 

Your wife though? What did she do? Married you, kept vows, had your children, made you a nice home... Then you traded her in for a younger model at first opportunity. One that you couldn't even commit to.

 

Here's the scoop. The problem isn't the marriage, or th OW. The problem is YOU. You are not a safe bet for either woman. You do not love anyone more than you love yourself and you don't appear to have any empathy for what youve put them through, only concern for yourself and your feelings. I recommend being alone and spending the next six months in some intensive introspection to understand how you could become so self absorbed and cruel. You need counselling. Lots of it.

 

Agreed, and while you are doing this, I would suggest you telly our wife what you are up to and also that she should feel free to date other men.

I know that technically, since you are divorced, she has been able to all along, but the problem is that you've kept her in a sort of "holding pattern", waiting for you to maybe come back.

 

If you really love her, then set her free to find out if being married to you really is what she wants. While she is doing that, do the work on yourself to be the kind of man she deserves.

 

If it turns out that she dates a few guys in the meantime and still feels that you are the one she wants to be with, and if you have done the work on yourself to be a better husband, you two might have a shot at being happy together again. As it stands right now, you have hurt her deeply and with everything that's happened, going back to her now will just hurt her even more.

[OldRover]

Carriages,

 

You should consider going back with your wife right away. I'd argue to not put anymore time and distance between you if you really want to be successful with her.

 

You also should have a very serious talk with her. From your comments you imply issues with your marriage and you both need to work on them now. You'll need to establish some boundaries and live by them. And you'll need to put the OW our of your mind... NC again forever, and you'll need to work hard on forgetting her.

 

Your wife is very understanding to want you back, and you'll have to prove to her that you want the same, and it will take time and work to reestablish your trust and relationship.

 

BUT.... don't do it unless you really want to, and will make a commitment to it. I'd bet if you both did, it would work.

 

Go for it.

[Adoraxx]

I meant if *she* was wanting to keep trying.

 

Maybe it's for the best. There was a lot potentially wrong with the set up. The 21 year age gap, for starters. I loved her - I really did. But sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people.

 

Yeah, I got that part. So WHY would SHE want to keep trying and trying and trying????? For WHAT???? You sound very wishy washy / inconsistent and undecided, which is hurtful to both the OW and the W!

[Goodbye]

OK, so you used an OW and broke your wife's heart? I'm not so sure you are going to get a lot of support and hand holding here...especially in the OW section. OW's often wind up used and dumped. Is that what they asked for? You seem to think so. In reality, for most of us there was a lot of dishonesty on the part of the exMM...and you gave the OW a whole lot of hope by "leaving" your wife (although it sounds like you just needed a place to crash and used your OW for this when the chips were down in your marriage). You are a user. You need to have individual counseling to find out why you are so hedonistic and self centered. Maybe it is a common "middle age crisis," or maybe you are a narcissist.

 

I disagree with Old Rover. Yes, moving back in may enable you to "re-turf" your wife. However, I think your wife still needs time to fully digest what you've done, and what the REALITIES of her marriage were. Yes, she may still want you back after the passage of time. Everyone is different in their levels of forgiveness as well as their definition of commitment. Let the dust settle in her life. Let her re-connect with family and friends...support always gets backburnered in a marriage when you "think" your HUSBAND is your number one support (only he has taken up with a much younger woman). She needs people outside this situation to help her figure out her reality, what is feasible.

 

If she still wants you after a few months of you NOT screwing around on her, see a counselor together who specializes in this sort of thing.

 

One credit I will give you: You confessed. That is more than 90% of MM who stray. Did you get busted at all? Or was the confession completely out of a need to be honest with your W? Either way, I know this is a painful situation you brought on yourself. I do hope you heal, but you can't make yourself feel better at the expense of others (OW/W). Leave the women alone and grieve. Feel the pain. Live it daily for a while. Be celibate. That is the ONLY way you'll ever appreciate the trust these women have given you.

[Got it]

OP - to the benefit of everyone involved please see extensive individual therapy. Your wife, if you go back to her, deserves a man that fully understands why he did what he did, what he learned, what he won't do in the future, is completely remorseful, etc. You are just washing in the waves depending on what you felt on a particular day which had you using both women. That is totally unfair.

 

You have a lot of work to do on yourself and I would tell you to seek time alone, outside of a romantic relationship and really start peeling back the layers on what makes you tick. Right now you are in the dark and that isn't fair to anyone.

[Lovemesomehim]

Do not go back to your wife until you have resolved the issues that made you cheat and betray your wife in the first place.

Everyone makes mistakes. It is how we deal with and handle our mistakes that makes for a better future. If you know in your heart that you cannot give your wife the whole man, its not fair to use her for your benefit.

[sandylee1]

I'm not going to be too harsh.....

 

You made the choice of leaving your wife of X number of years for another woman...that's probably not something you did on a whim.

 

With that in mind, what is different now?

 

You clearly didn't love your wife enough, so what's the point in going back to her?

 

Why do you want to go back home? Is it the kids? The finances?

 

Was it hard to trust the OW because she engaged in an affair with you?

 

I'm sure your wife has gotten used to life without you, so I think it would be best to work on yourself and think how you can be a better partner in the future. To figure out what made you stray from your wife and if you get into another relationship, what is going to stop you being attracted to another young woman in the future.

 

Affairs are destructive and if they come to light, someone WILL ALWAYS get hurt. You've already hurt two women (although one brought it on herself), so there's no need to get back to your wife and cause a set back in her healing.

 

Treat others the way you'd like to be treated.

[OldRover]

I've seen this work before and I believe it can work in Carriages situation.

 

And Carriages:

I'll give you support. There's probably a LOT more to the story. It takes at least two for an affair, and often there is a third person that helped create a situation for this. I don't know all the details, but I know you've made a mistake, you're hurting and you seem like you want to get your life back on the right track.

 

There are MANY MANY posters here that have had an affair, and it's not gender specific. It happens, people make mistakes, and people suffer. It doesn't mean things can't be solved, and many here have solved their problems. Sometimes they can't, and sometimes they can. But statistically getting back into the marriage successfully is favorable, especially if your wife will forgive you and you are remorseful. You will have to change, and suspect your wife will too. By her accepting you back, that tells me she's willing to put forth an effort, to help get through this.

 

And, no I'm not "blaming" your wife, but it does sound that you had some major marital problems, and that certainly will take two to solve.... at least to make it successful long term.

 

You will both need to work on it, however, and it WILL take some work.

 

Not, getting over the OW will take some strong effort, too, and you'll just have to work through this. Forget her, especially the good times, dump everything that reminds you of her, no pictures, presents, nothing stays. Once you step foot back into your house, the OW should never be in your life again. And if that means changing jobs, positions or location, so be it.

 

I still advocate going back to your wife, but only if you make the commitment that will truly solve things. She wants you back and the longer you wait, the worse it gets. Sure, you can remain alone for a while to think things over, especially if you get some support and help. But the help of your wife will be the best help you can get, especially if you BOTH want to make it work.

 

And SURE, you deserve someone... everyone does. If you've made this mistake only once, you can be forgiven and make amends. If you have an affair, one after the other, then you're probably a lousy human being.

 

Keep us posted.

Edited October 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

Ignore the downright rude and mean replies. Focus on the reality check advice said with respect. Don't let others on here make you leave! Some people are suffering and not in good places, and it's easy to taker anger out on someone else than face your own situation. I hope you stay and let the not so nice posts roll off your back...There are many who can help you through this.

Edited October 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to deleted post redacted ~6

[OldRover]

Ignore the downright rude and mean replies. Focus on the reality check advice said with respect. Don't let others on here make you leave! Some people are suffering and not in good places, and it's easy to taker anger out on someone else than face your own situation. I hope you stay and let the not so nice posts roll off your back...There are many who can help you through this.

 

Great comment, and I'll second that.

Edited October 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

.........but I know if the OW had come to me wanting to keep trying, I would have been in there. Just being honest here.

 

 

Carriages, this is the reason I don't believe you shouldn't go back to your wife at this point.

 

If you do go back to your wife at any point I would advise you to be sure you're going back having gotten over the relationship with OW.

 

I believe you, your W and your OW would be best served by your taking time to go through IC and be away from both W and OW. I would fully disclose to your wife why you're doing this so that she knows you're not throwing in the towel on ever being with her again. For that matter, if you and OW are still speaking I would think it good to also tell her what you're doing.

 

After six months to a year of being on your own with IC I would think your emotions and judgment would be clearer and more settled on how you really feel, who you are and what you can offer your W, your OW, or any other woman.

 

I can't recall whether or not you mentioned that you have children but am assuming at your age that you do. If so, I hope you and your wife are able to put things back together with the help of MC. However, I would encourage you not to try to do so without help from a counselor.

[purplesorrow]

Well, I disagree, and we can just agree to disagree. Post your own advise, but there are other opinions. I've seen this work before and I believe it can work in Carriages situation.

 

And Carriages:

I'll give you support. There's probably a LOT more to the story. It takes at least two for an affair, and often there is a third person that helped create a situation for this. I don't know all the details, but I know you've made a mistake, you're hurting and you seem like you want to get your life back on the right track.

 

There are MANY MANY posters here that have had an affair, and it's not gender specific. It happens, people make mistakes, and people suffer. It doesn't mean things can't be solved, and many here have solved their problems. Sometimes they can't, and sometimes they can. But statistically getting back into the marriage successfully is favorable, especially if your wife will forgive you and you are remorseful. You will have to change, and suspect your wife will too. By her accepting you back, that tells me she's willing to put forth an effort, to help get through this.

 

And, no I'm not "blaming" your wife, but it does sound that you had some major marital problems, and that certainly will take two to solve.... at least to make it successful long term.

 

You will both need to work on it, however, and it WILL take some work.

 

Not, getting over the OW will take some strong effort, too, and you'll just have to work through this. Forget her, especially the good times, dump everything that reminds you of her, no pictures, presents, nothing stays. Once you step foot back into your house, the OW should never be in your life again. And if that means changing jobs, positions or location, so be it.

 

I still advocate going back to your wife, but only if you make the commitment that will truly solve things. She wants you back and the longer you wait, the worse it gets. Sure, you can remain alone for a while to think things over, especially if you get some support and help. But the help of your wife will be the best help you can get, especially if you BOTH want to make it work.

 

And SURE, you deserve someone... everyone does. If you've made this mistake only once, you can be forgiven and make amends. If you have an affair, one after the other, then you're probably a lousy human being.

 

Keep us posted.

 

What defines a situation for an affair?