I need........... support

[Sassy Girl]

Gah dude.... Just end it already.

 

You can't work on a relationship when there is no contact.

 

Furthermore, youth approach shows me you want to be scared back into wanting the marriage.... If only you'd miss her, or she threatened you with divorce, got impatient and filed on your sorry arse already like she should.... Only then would you feel "motivated" enough to be really sorry for the awful husband you've been. Sorry to tell you, but fear of losing is not the right reason for deciding to keep a marriage any more than "staying for the kids".

 

And guess what, if her emotional unloading frustrates you, well then buckle in sunshine because you just dropped a bomb on her entire life. You nuked everything that was your marriage- your needs now take a back seat to the devastation you created at your own hand. It's like triage. Stem the bleeding first - that's the fallout from your affair. After that you get to tackle the bumps bruises. And don't hate her for it - that's all your own doing. 2-5 years it will take both of you to recover properly. Based on what I'm seeing here - you don't have it in you. You're not even sorry. So end the bloody charade already and rip the bandaid off. Your wasting your wife's time. She could be out there meeting someone who will appreciate her like you couldn't. After all - on paper, she's a catch.

[Ladyjane14]

When did I ever say she should have unloaded on me earlier??? Perhaps you misunderstood - I meant "emotional" unloading - which was a bugbear of my entire married life. The communication was all one way, from her to me. The "support train" was all one way also, from me to her. There simply was just not room in the relationship for me to have feelings, problems, or emotions.

 

Yes, I am completely aware that on paper there is a huge amount "good" about what I have. There are probably a zillion married couples who are happier with far "less" than what I've been blessed with. But I'm over that mentality. It was that that got me into the marriage in the first place. She ticks a lot of boxes, the positive probably outweigh the negatives, therefore she must be okay, therefore any hangups/doubts I do still have are simply an unhelpful pessimistic mindgame. WRONG.

 

Ah.. I see in your next response, the "No Contact" is what you thought should have been instigated by your wife. Is that right?

 

Did you want to be punished for your betrayal? Because I assure you there aren't punishments within the legal and/or religious framework of our society that are sufficiently satisfying to justice. There's no getting even for something like this. A betrayed spouse has to choose empathy and forgiveness... or turn their back on the best parts of their own personality. There isn't any justice to be had.

 

I think you believe she's weak. But in choosing to not abandon those softer qualities in herself, she shows strength, just as she has shown while keeping her family afloat, despite your abandonment.

[Cymbeline]

I find it odd that you consider her the weak half of the partnership.

[ladydesigner]

Ah.. I see in your next response, the "No Contact" is what you thought should have been instigated by your wife. Is that right?

 

Did you want to be punished for your betrayal? Because I assure you there aren't punishments within the legal and/or religious framework of our society that are sufficiently satisfying to justice. There's no getting even for something like this. A betrayed spouse has to choose empathy and forgiveness... or turn their back on the best parts of their own personality. There isn't any justice to be had.

 

I think you believe she's weak. But in choosing to not abandon those softer qualities in herself, she shows strength, just as she has shown while keeping her family afloat, despite your abandonment.

 

So true us BS's get to eat the whole sh*t sandwich, there is no justice. This has been the most difficult part for me to get past: How do I forgive myself for staying with a WS?

[ladydesigner]

When did I ever say she should have unloaded on me earlier??? Perhaps you misunderstood - I meant "emotional" unloading - which was a bugbear of my entire married life. The communication was all one way, from her to me. The "support train" was all one way also, from me to her. There simply was just not room in the relationship for me to have feelings, problems, or emotions.

 

Yes, I am completely aware that on paper there is a huge amount "good" about what I have. There are probably a zillion married couples who are happier with far "less" than what I've been blessed with. But I'm over that mentality. It was that that got me into the marriage in the first place. She ticks a lot of boxes, the positive probably outweigh the negatives, therefore she must be okay, therefore any hangups/doubts I do still have are simply an unhelpful pessimistic mindgame. WRONG.

 

I get what you are saying, but you do know you just made things a 1000 times worse by having an A. I unloaded on my WH for a whole year straight after Dday1 because HE was not doing the right things. He was fence sitting.

[ladydesigner]

Thanks Mr. Lucky. Yes, I have received a ton of great advice and I'm hugely grateful for it. However the decision on which path to take remains mine, and it is that with which I'm still struggling.

 

I think you do me a disservice by saying I won't comprehend or heed the advice because of my "duck and cover" mentality. While it's true I have lived my entire life with this mentality up until now; this is behaviour I'm trying very hard not to repeat at this time. The duck and cover response right now would be to return to the marriage without being fully mentally there and fully prepared to do the work - papering over the cracks like I have done in the past.

 

I also understand the real joy lies in what you do for your partner. That only works however if you are not overwhelmed with resentment - and historically, I have been. It's hard to be genuine with acts of love when as you're trying to make those gestures a voice is screaming "but the sex is bad/she doesn't get you/she's mucking up the parenting again etc. etc..... sometimes, some basic mechanics have to be there first.

 

We've been doing the NC for the last week, although my wife broke it yesterday asking for a talk (which turned into a huge unloading session on her part, which I resented her for, which was counterproductive). It's what should have happened a long time ago, and it should have come from my wife. Her unconditional pleading, even while I was with the AP, served only to push me further away. If our marriage is to be, I need to be woken up and value it.

 

Oh does it? You may be surprised by your wife and what she does next. Really the ball is in her court, she just doesn't know that yet. She needs to build up strength and self-esteem, find her self-worth.

[ShatteredLady]

I used to read things like, "Infidelity is the cruelest most damaging thing you can do!", even "Infidelity is second only to the death of a child to the BS!". Honestly I thought it was all a bit over dramatic. Yeh it's bad but can it really be THAT bad?

 

Then it happened to me! 'They' underestimate the damage it does when you're a FAMILY, when you've spent your whole life loving, trusting, supporting & depending on 'Your Person', the ONE.

 

I was academic, popular, very successful career etc. I HAD very high self-esteem, not so much anymore! I don't know how your wife started out but believe me, her view of herself has NOT been improved by you running off & betraying everything that she stands for as the MOTHER & WIFE of her family.

 

You seem so dedicated to your resentment. Is there ANYTHING she can do to break through? I don't think so. You have no idea of the amazing strength, dedication & complete sacrifice of self it takes to try to keep your family intact. It's insanity when your enemy, the intentionally destructive force who trying to rip your & your CHILDREN'S lives appart is the love of your life!

 

To be honest I'm trying to give you a wake-up call...like many have on this thread...but the more I think about it the more I truly hope you fail. I don't believe you will ever be man enough to be the husband & father that your family deserves.

 

PLEASE prove me wrong but I think they're going to be trying to pry your beloved resentment from your cold dead hands one day.

[waterwoman]

"You seem so dedicated to your resentment. "

 

Yes x 1000. It almost seems as if you are afraid to stop resenting her because it would change your entire world view. And you might have to look at what a total **** you have been without constantly saying 'but she did x first'.

 

You had a bad marriage by your own admission. You had an affair and made it 100x worse. Why save it now when it's been dealt a mortal blow?

 

Just try to be objective. Step outside your own head for a while and look at what you have done. Also, you might try some real empathy to dilute the self-pity

 

If that doesn't work just end it. Please.

[OldRover]

I used to read things like, "Infidelity is the cruelest most damaging thing you can do!", even "Infidelity is second only to the death of a child to the BS!". Honestly I thought it was all a bit over dramatic. Yeh it's bad but can it really be THAT bad?

 

Then it happened to me! 'They' underestimate the damage it does when you're a FAMILY, when you've spent your whole life loving, trusting, supporting & depending on 'Your Person', the ONE.

 

I was academic, popular, very successful career etc. I HAD very high self-esteem, not so much anymore! I don't know how your wife started out but believe me, her view of herself has NOT been improved by you running off & betraying everything that she stands for as the MOTHER & WIFE of her family.

 

You seem so dedicated to your resentment. Is there ANYTHING she can do to break through? I don't think so. You have no idea of the amazing strength, dedication & complete sacrifice of self it takes to try to keep your family intact. It's insanity when your enemy, the intentionally destructive force who trying to rip your & your CHILDREN'S lives appart is the love of your life!

 

To be honest I'm trying to give you a wake-up call...like many have on this thread...but the more I think about it the more I truly hope you fail. I don't believe you will ever be man enough to be the husband & father that your family deserves.

 

PLEASE prove me wrong but I think they're going to be trying to pry your beloved resentment from your cold dead hands one day.

 

Shattered,

Good post, but there are differences in affair situations. There were significant problems prior to the affair. Perhaps the BS should be asking herself "what lead to the affair"? and "Where did WE fail?"

 

There are a few of us that don't believe that an affair is the "worst thing that can happen? Affairs happen in different degrees, and for different reasons. Sure, the death of a child is probably way worse, but addictions, abuse, abandonment and other things can be SURE worse than infidelity. It really depends on the situation. BTDT.

 

And with the OPs situation, it's CLEAR that there were previous problem, and rather significant.

 

I'll probably be criticized for making the above statement, but I've SURE seen it.

[ShatteredLady]

OldRover. I know I have a very strong view of infidelity because my H becomes abusive & threatens abandonment (we live in a foreign country) when he's having an affair so I bundle ALL of that stuff together under the title of "The Affair".

 

I just think in this situation the OP doesn't 'get-it' & intends to walk back through the door with his beloved mistress resentment & set-up home again.... & all the other stuff that has been said a lot on this thread...

[OldRover]

OldRover. I know I have a very strong view of infidelity because my H becomes abusive & threatens abandonment (we live in a foreign country) when he's having an affair so I bundle ALL of that stuff together under the title of "The Affair".

 

I just think in this situation the OP doesn't 'get-it' & intends to walk back through the door with his beloved mistress resentment & set-up home again.... & all the other stuff that has been said a lot on this thread...

 

ShatteredLady,

 

Well, I can certainly respect your feelings. Infidelity comes in different flavors... usually all bad. I don't like to see it, but if the marriage is totally broken and over, I can certainly understand. Especially if one is only waiting for the legal system to get their job done.

 

Yes, seems like the OP doesn't "get it". But I believe he can. Seems like he is still in somewhat of affair fog, still. I'm sure the OW still is influencing his choices. He also seems like he wants to get out of the OWs life and fix things with the wive, but not there quite yet.

[Carriages]

I just think in this situation the OP doesn't 'get-it' & intends to walk back through the door with his beloved mistress resentment & set-up home again.... & all the other stuff that has been said a lot on this thread...

 

I'm not *quite* that dumb. But yes....... the OW still does occupy a lot of my mindspace, still does cause me to "compare", and still is influencing my thought processes. I'm trying really hard though. There's been no contact for a few weeks (apart from one bitchy txt initiated by her); I've removed all the physical stuff in my apartment from sight, and I'm doing my best to stop her occupying my headpsace and remind myself that even in the "highest" points of the affair realtionship, I was actually pretty miserable most of the time.

 

But the issues which are holding me back now actually pre-date the affair (and that's not just affair fog) and yes, as people have pointed out - I have made things 1000 times worse. But in spite of all that I often think that maybe I should just go home, commit to trying and just suck up the fact I'll still grieve the AP. As long as my actual behavior within my marriage has integrity, maybe I just have to put my own internal torment off the agenda for a while, in the knowledge it'll get less as time goes on. Marathon not sprint etc.

Edited November 10, 2015 by Carriages

[Ladyjane14]

I'm not *quite* that dumb. But yes....... the OW still does occupy a lot of my mindspace, still does cause me to "compare", and still is influencing my thought processes. I'm trying really hard though. There's been no contact for a few weeks (apart from one bitchy txt initiated by her); I've removed all the physical stuff in my apartment from sight, and I'm doing my best to stop her occupying my headpsace and remind myself that even in the "highest" points of the affair realtionship, I was actually pretty miserable most of the time.

 

But the issues which are holding me back now actually pre-date the affair (and that's not just affair fog) and yes, as people have pointed out - I have made things 1000 times worse. But in spite of all that I often think that maybe I should just go home, commit to trying and just suck up the fact I'll still grieve the AP. As long as my actual behavior within my marriage has integrity, maybe I just have to put my own internal torment off the agenda for a while, in the knowledge it'll get less as time goes on. Marathon not sprint etc.

 

You're still putting the cart before the horse. You can't know if a reconciliation is going to work until you've engaged in The Process. You're expecting for bonding to already have occurred in the primary relationship, before you've bonded. And that doesn't happen until all the emotional **** is sorted and sex/friendship has reemerged.

 

Part of bonding is CHEMICAL. It's vassopressin and oxytocin and physiological bonding with your MATE. It's visceral, man.. not just emotional.

 

You're expecting something to materialize that you haven't CREATED yet. It doesn't sound to me like you've ever truly bonded with your wife. You stuffed your molehills and let them turn into mountains. You never solved the solvable problems; you never committed to prioritizing the emotional intimacy of the relationship.

[ladydesigner]

I'm not *quite* that dumb. But yes....... the OW still does occupy a lot of my mindspace, still does cause me to "compare", and still is influencing my thought processes. I'm trying really hard though. There's been no contact for a few weeks (apart from one bitchy txt initiated by her); I've removed all the physical stuff in my apartment from sight, and I'm doing my best to stop her occupying my headpsace and remind myself that even in the "highest" points of the affair realtionship, I was actually pretty miserable most of the time.

 

But the issues which are holding me back now actually pre-date the affair (and that's not just affair fog) and yes, as people have pointed out - I have made things 1000 times worse. But in spite of all that I often think that maybe I should just go home, commit to trying and just suck up the fact I'll still grieve the AP. As long as my actual behavior within my marriage has integrity, maybe I just have to put my own internal torment off the agenda for a while, in the knowledge it'll get less as time goes on. Marathon not sprint etc.

 

Good Carriages! I'm glad you have recognized this. Anyone who has a care in the world about their spouse would recognize this about the A.

 

When I was in my own A (revenge affair) I too got sucked in by my AP, developed feelings, obsessed, compared yadda yadda yadda, but you know what? I never once felt GREAT about the A. Always in the back of my mind I knew what I was doing and it made me highly uncomfortable and eventually miserable. Juggling two relationships was a nightmare. The ending of the A was a nightmare. My WH's Dday was a nightmare, seeing his pain (even though he was knee deep in his own A with MOW at the time) was excruciating. Knowing I neglected my kids time during my A and all the times I was pining for him...totally senseless. If I could take my whole A back I would and I would burn it to the ground. No affair is worth the amount of pain and mental gymnastics that are involved.

 

My AP wouldn't have been good for me anyway. He could not take care of me and my kids. We ended up not even having in much in common like I thought, my WH and I were better matched, but somehow I lost sight of that, I was enjoying the stupid high of all the hormones making me feel giddy albeit temporarily.

 

Just wanted to add that you are absolutely correct this is not a sprint, it is absolutely a marathon, one that is worth it if you are up for it ;-)

[newuser62]

I am concerned about you. I am going to go to a place no one else has because I have to mention this. I just wonder why its a choice of your wife or the AP. Ofcourse you were miserable while in the AP. I am sure all of your friends and family were floored when you started seeing a woman young enough to be your daughter. As a parent I would be so incredibly disappointed in a son or daughter who did this, Your friends probably vacillate between - wow you got a 20 something cool- and yuck that's gross. You lost more than your wife when you had this affair and you lost more when you lost your AP. You lost some respect. You lost friends. Since you met her at work - people are talking about you. You are not respected at work like you used to be. Lest be honest this is gossip like no other at a work place.

So yes, your wife and the friends and family there is a choice, but then you have to suck up that you left your wife for this girl and lost.

You AP and her friends are no longer a choice because you broke up. Most 20 year olds really want an old man hanging out with them while they go clubbing.

I feel all your posts just wreak of this. You keep saying this is all about your wife not being enough- this is simply excuses. You are having trouble with the fact that you chose this woman and now lost and you look foolish. I am not meaning this in any mean way, but I just feel you need to work through everything. It needs to be addressed, I do not feel this is really about your wife but about sucking it up and saying this was me. I have to confront the person I became, I have to make this better, but I am not feeling too great in the world I created around me.

You have created this world- one that you say is miserable.

Now make your world better, take back what you had become a stronger person. Why are you so miserable?

This is no time to go back to your wife. It is no time to go back to the AP - you yourself said it was in most respects miserable.

Work on your self and do not victimize your wife while you are in this state -open up to her talk to her but don't go back and make this worse.

[OldRover]

Carriages,

 

First, I'm sure the bulk of the folks here are routing for you and hope you come out of this thing with minimal damage, and on to a much better life.

 

And, it's only been about a month since your first post and about ~3 months when the affair was ending. That's a SHORT time. I know a lot of folks that take at least 3 or 4 months just to get the AP out of their mind.... and often it takes a LOT longer. And returning and reestablishing with an ex where there were already problems also takes a LONG time.

 

I don't see you solving this whole thing and getting a good plan of attack for a little longer. Take the time it takes. I still see the AP on your mind, and you really need to work on that first, and to totally get her out of your mind may take months, but because it was short, it WILL happen sooner than later.

 

Some of the posts indicate that you "don't get it" (mine included). Perhaps that could be a little harsh, but you're clearly not to the point of reestablishing a marital relationship with your wife.... yet. But keep things going and work on them.

 

Give progress reports and we will encourage you (and comment, too). Hopefully you're get some help from here. Some ideas, thoughts, ways to proceed and things to do or not do.

 

Good luck.

[Carriages]

Pretty much everyone here is telling me not go back to my wife, and I do understand why. I have the same concerns. That I'd go back, and wallow in my own misery again, and take that out on her. That I'd miss my AP more, and start checking her facebook page etc. That all the issues and resentments that I haven't really been exposed to for a year and a half would come flooding back. In short, that because of my still somewhat fragile state it would fail, and I'd expose everyone including myself to yet more pain.

 

But here's the thing. We're all in pain now. It feels like life is passing us by, and I'm the one holding it up. It's starting to disgust me how much I haven't "been there" for my kids in the last year and a half. And as long as I'm living alone (hating it) I still play the mental gymnastics, and I'm not committed to either life. Therefore, I feel like I don't actually have a life. The act of returning home will be tough....but it's starting to feel like an inevitability. So why not make it an actuality. And also, as others have intimated..... there are no guarantees, I'll never know if my marriage is salvageable until I get in there and do it. Sitting here pontificating, and using this website as a band-aid just facilitates my own procrastination.

 

Newuser62 - there's a lot of truth in your post. I *do* feel foolish. For years I'd been praying for someone to "get me out" of my unhappy marriage. Then someone young with movie-star looks and brains to boot came along, and when she was showering me with love I didn't have the strength to embrace it and run with it. Or perhaps strength isn't quite the right word. "Conviction" might be better. Because there was always a voice telling me "this isn't right". And I don't just mean "right" in a moral sense - I mean as in "true to the world". And of course, I had trust issues - she had gone after a married man after all (and it wasn't her first time) and was also quite capable of letting me know she had other options if I didn't commit tout de suite. Most of the time, if I'm honest, I thought the relationship wouldn't have the staying power. For that reason, I thought if/when it ended it would be easy. Boy was I wrong!! But it is getting better.

Edited November 11, 2015 by Carriages

[Mr. Lucky]

Pretty much everyone here is telling me not go back to my wife, and I do understand why. I have the same concerns. That I'd go back, and wallow in my own misery again, and take that out on her. That I'd miss my AP more, and start checking her facebook page etc. That all the issues and resentments that I haven't really been exposed to for a year and a half would come flooding back. In short, that because of my still somewhat fragile state it would fail, and I'd expose everyone including myself to yet more pain.

 

You realize all those things are choices, right? Wallowing in your misery - a choice. Not working to get over your AP through NC - a choice. Not fully committing to your marriage and family - a choice.

 

At some point you'll have to stop hanging back and hoping time and events will make your decisions for you.

 

Stepping back into your marriage may well be a return to life. Many of us hoping to welcome you back to the world of the living ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Carriages]

You realize all those things are choices, right? Wallowing in your misery - a choice. Not working to get over your AP through NC - a choice. Not fully committing to your marriage and family - a choice.

 

At some point you'll have to stop hanging back and hoping time and events will make your decisions for you.

 

Stepping back into your marriage may well be a return to life. Many of us hoping to welcome you back to the world of the living ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You are 100% right, but I haven't always realized those things are choices over which I *do* have control. Sometimes I do but... I can easily go into victim mode again.

 

Thanks for your kind words. Is it wrong to be coming here for support?? It feels constructive and soothing on one level but on another........ just one step away from txt'ing my AP, looking at porn etc. It relieves the same sort of anxiety, a way of escaping reality. That said, I feel like I've come a long way from that first post nearly four weeks ago. And I have a lot of you people to thank for that.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it wrong to be coming here for support?? It feels constructive and soothing on one level but on another........ just one step away from txt'ing my AP, looking at porn etc.

 

Look at it as going to the gym when you're fighting those cravings threatening to undermine your diet.

 

One aspect of recovery is recognizing your feelings are real. Denying them and dealing with them are two different things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

It's just a matter of time as you say. Do you know if your wife has any conditions for reconciliation? If not have you asked her?

 

You might want to do that before you go back.

 

It's best to know what she does or doesn't expect of you and if you want to do it.

 

In your mind...would you just want to pack your stuff back in the house and not mention the affair? Just move on as if it never happened?

 

Are you expecting to start sleeping in the same bed as her and just start living a joint life? Bills etc.

 

Just because someone wants you back. ..going back isn't always the right decision. Your kids may not fully understand it now...but in time...they'll get to comprehend how their mom has been used, even if she doesn't realise it herself. It's that upbringing that messes up their heads.

 

They won't say anything now...They can't because everything they need is in both yours and your wife's hands.....but they'll see one person as a user and the other as a doormat..and have no respect for either of you...and the dysfunction carries on in their relationships. I see it IRL time and time again.

[Carriages]

It's just a matter of time as you say. Do you know if your wife has any conditions for reconciliation? If not have you asked her?

 

You might want to do that before you go back.

 

It's best to know what she does or doesn't expect of you and if you want to do it.

 

In your mind...would you just want to pack your stuff back in the house and not mention the affair? Just move on as if it never happened?

 

Are you expecting to start sleeping in the same bed as her and just start living a joint life? Bills etc.

 

Just because someone wants you back. ..going back isn't always the right decision. Your kids may not fully understand it now...but in time...they'll get to comprehend how their mom has been used, even if she doesn't realise it herself. It's that upbringing that messes up their heads.

 

They won't say anything now...They can't because everything they need is in both yours and your wife's hands.....but they'll see one person as a user and the other as a doormat..and have no respect for either of you...and the dysfunction carries on in their relationships. I see it IRL time and time again.

Basically, my wife just wants a present and loving husband. Not too much to ask really! But, at the end of the day, it's very hard to enforce conditions surrounding behavior.

 

The sleeping side of things would be difficult. We have no obvious spare room. And as our sex life was always something of a disappointment; I'd have to be feeling pretty solid emotionally before venturing there again.

 

I share your concerns about user/doormat. My wife just says that I was a good man before all this, that we have a such a history, that she can't stop loving me in spite of trying - therefore the solution to all is to get back together. Which is typical of her thinking - she doesn't see past the immediate problem in front of her nose. Whereas I'm all about the big picture. Sometimes that difference in approach was actually synergistic; other times it was a source of conflict.

[Carriages]

So I went out to dinner with my wife last night. Wasn't the happiest occasion, but at least communication was (mostly) positive and some of the big issues got talked about.

 

It turns out we've never really, in all of our years, had real intimacy and we've both craved it. Post-sex has always been awkward. We've never had pillow talk. Never been able to fall asleep in each other's arms. All these things, I was able to do and enjoy with my AP, without it feeling forced.

 

My wife and I would call each other cute, slightly patronizing pet names but never would we use warm romantic words. She said she always wanted to call me "darling" but could never bring herself to do it. I know what she means. Efforts to do similar on my part would always make me cringe.

 

At the end of the evening we kind of sat there, thinking "well this is going to take some time to process". This is kind of huge. What we've described is an essential component of a marriage, which we've never had. It's not that we had it once and lost it. We never had it.

[sandylee1]

So I went out to dinner with my wife last night. Wasn't the happiest occasion, but at least communication was (mostly) positive and some of the big issues got talked about.

 

It turns out we've never really, in all of our years, had real intimacy and we've both craved it. Post-sex has always been awkward. We've never had pillow talk. Never been able to fall asleep in each other's arms. All these things, I was able to do and enjoy with my AP, without it feeling forced.

 

My wife and I would call each other cute, slightly patronizing pet names but never would we use warm romantic words. She said she always wanted to call me "darling" but could never bring herself to do it. I know what she means. Efforts to do similar on my part would always make me cringe.

 

At the end of the evening we kind of sat there, thinking "well this is going to take some time to process". This is kind of huge. What we've described is an essential component of a marriage, which we've never had. It's not that we had it once and lost it. We never had it.

 

Have you ever thought maybe the two of you aren't meant to be. A lot of those things should come naturally.......without feeling forced. There seems to be a huge lack of chemistry between you and I'm not sure how things will change.

 

I can see you going back...then after a while realising you don't love her like that and it's so odd and weird now...then you'll leave.

 

Try and get the spark and excitement before you go 9....because if another woman ...who doesn't care about you being married throws herself your way......can you resist?

 

Maybe try more dinners and do some other dates before you just move back in. Have fun times together and enjoy the romantic side.

 

This is like when I took an ex back after he cheated.......he was enthusiastic about reconciling but I wasn't........ we gave it a go....but it didn't work out in my case. I got with another guy and dumped him. The feelings I had just weren't the same after he cheated.

 

You are the less enthusiastic one here...but it's good that you're both talking about how you feel. The deep intimacy was really never there with you both.......and it's been one sided from the beginning of your marriage.

 

It needs an awful lot of work, compromise and desire to turn it around....to get to a place you can fall in love with each other.....maybe that's unrealistic, but it would be nice for you both.

[OldRover]

Carriages,

 

Overall, returning to you wife and making it work is probably the "easiest path" which may or may not lead to happiness at this time.

 

You sure have doubts... when you say "we never had it", that makes me think that you'll never get it back. So, the challenge of reunited with your wife is such that you not only need to reestablish what you had, but your going to try to get something that you never had.

 

That's a recipe for disaster and long term resentment. If you're constantly thinking that "this could be better, but never will", it will be very difficult.

 

Perhaps some of us misinterpreted your marriage and really thought there was a good possibility of finding a passionate love with her. With the above, that is unlikely.

 

So, you have to decide..... and now it seems harder.....

 

1. To return to your wife and try for something that you never had.... not impossible, but certainly a significant challenge.

 

or

 

2. Go back to your affair partner, where you felt you really clicked.... but the risks are equally high, perhaps more. With the age difference and now her attitude that you were not going to work out anyway.

 

Now a last option if to remain single and get back into the dating world. At 46 years, you could easily do this and more than likely, have your pick of women out there..... However, most come with baggage, or are broke, or have let themselves go so they are just not attractive. So, you'll search a lot before you find the special one. But you still have a lot of time. You probably have a good 30 plus years or more of a good healthy life left, sexually active and loving without problems. But you never know.... you could have a stroke next week and that changes all.

 

And, it will take at least 2 years to REALLY get to know someone that you'll want forever again... so factor that in, if you fail a few times first. Sure, you can do it in less time, but the risk factor goes up a lot.

 

Good luck with making a choice.... you have some tough choices to make.