I need........... support

[Mrs. John Adams]

You should tell her you are uncomfortable with making a decision at this time...and that you have decided to live alone and not be in a relationship at all.

 

Can you do that? Because honestly...the last thing you need is to be in a relationship with anyone.

[Carriages]

What specifically did you do to work on your marriage before you had the affair? If things had been "languishing forever," was your wife aware of your feelings?

 

Firstly - for the best part of my entire marriage I tried to process all the negative baggage which was dumped on me as a result of this union. There was quite a bit. I tried to minimize the issues which were there - which I still believe would be instant deal breakers for some people - so I could cope with them. I tried my best to communicate for years when it was impossible to have an interactive two way dialogue. My wife was permanently set to "transmit". Then, at some point I reconciled myself to believing things were basically unfixable. About three years later the affair started.

 

What did I do wrong?? Plenty. I withdrew. I put up walls. I wore masks of contentment, for appearances. I avoided conflict. I probably never gave my wife the feeling I was there behind her, gunning for her.

[Carriages]

You should tell her you are uncomfortable with making a decision at this time...and that you have decided to live alone and not be in a relationship at all.

 

Can you do that? Because honestly...the last thing you need is to be in a relationship with anyone.

I agree, and actually I feel no pull whatsoever towards doing that. Not being lonely would be nice, but the thought of taking on another human being from scratch? - couldn't handle it, nor do it justice.

[autumnnight]

Really, IMO, the only reason to hurry up and get bach into her life would be to make sure no one else nabs her "just in case." That is NOT fair to her. And for all this talk of what she needs to be doing and these firm talks you ought to have with her....no. She is not perfect, but she didn't torpedo the marriage.

 

For HER sake and for yours, take the time to see if you can be all in. To just "keep her" right now seems more like a safety mesaure than a marriage. I mean, I believe in marriage, but this idea of marriage at all costs and at the expense of one partner is....wonky.

[Mrs. John Adams]

then you be honest and tell her that you cannot and will not make a decision right now and you need space and time to get yourself together.

 

You cannot possibly give to your wife what she needs...you are not emotionally ready to do so.

 

First....are you ready to become totally transparent? Give her all your accounts and passwords? Are you ready to tell her where you are 24/7?

 

if you cant do this...you cannot rebuild trust.

[Got it]

"I want someone to want me because of the wonderful attributes of me, not want me because I am a soft place to land and viewed as their constant. Way too much consolation prize."

 

Ideally yes. But some of us are more willing to compromise or forgive. We're all different. She was by all accounts satisfied with her marriage. You weren't with yours.

 

She was satisfied prior to the affair, I think one would need to ask her again how satisfied she is now. The affair was a game changer and I doubt she is ever back to where she was.

 

Yes I was unsatisfied, to put it lightly, and I divorced.

[Carriages]

She was satisfied prior to the affair, I think one would need to ask her again how satisfied she is now. The affair was a game changer and I doubt she is ever back to where she was.

 

Yes I was unsatisfied, to put it lightly, and I divorced.

 

Superficially, she seems the same - if anything, calmer. She loves me (although I have often wondered if what she has is "need" rather than "love"). Of course, it's entirely possible that if I did go back, once the initial euphoria had died I would be on the receiving end of some major (deserved) wrath which would hinder our recovery...

[Mr. Lucky]

I think some people here are being way too simplistic, and judgemental. "Second best = divorce!!" Well, who's to say that in time I'd come to realize my wife is *not* second best?? Can a 25 year relationship that at some points has been almost good enough, be made into one that is perpetually good enough?? Should I not be making sure that no stone is left unturned before making the final decision to quit, mentally and physically? Is it really wrong to let factors such as the kids, the nuclear family be a factor in all this??

 

Sounds like fake it til you make it - for the next 40 years. Without a trace or sarcasm or irony, I'll say good luck with that.

 

Wish I had my DeLorean, could jump you ahead 5 years. At that point I'd guess you would have found out the hard what some of those here, having already lived it, are trying to tell you in advance...

 

Mr. Lucky

[poofitsgone]

OP, it relly seems like your ignoring advice that doesn't already agree with you. I don't think any advice here, whether you want to hear it or not, is said malicious. They are trying to help... although maybe sometimes your wife as much as you. I'm not sure why they're bothering though...you don't seem to care at all what would be good for anyone else.

 

You should tell her you are uncomfortable with making a decision at this time...and that you have decided to live alone and not be in a relationship at all.

 

Can you do that? Because honestly...the last thing you need is to be in a relationship with anyone.

 

This is good advice

[Mrs. John Adams]

Superficially, she seems the same - if anything, calmer. She loves me (although I have often wondered if what she has is "need" rather than "love"). Of course, it's entirely possible that if I did go back, once the initial euphoria had died I would be on the receiving end of some major (deserved) wrath which would hinder our recovery...

 

She loves who she thought you were...she loves the man she married...she has no idea who you are now

 

To say you have not changed is living in a fantasy world

 

You have been living a new life and she has not been a part of it...she cannot possibly know who you are or what she feels

 

I am a compassionate person but i am an honest person

 

You left your wife for another younger woman.....if your wife has any feelings left for you...they are based on what you were to her before all this transpired

 

She does not know the man you have become

 

Your wife wants you back...like you used to be...not who you are now. She is a hurting woman...a devastated woman...she wants her life back

 

Can you promise her you can give her her life back??? Of course you can't....

 

You cannot even tell her you love her...or you are sorry for what you have done to her....or that you will do whatever it takes to help her heal

 

You can't do this...because you have no idea what you have done to her

until you face the reality of what you have done...without excuse...without reason...without blame.....you cannot even begin to understand what you have done to her.

 

I am not pointing fingers at you.,.because i have walked in your shoes....but you have no idea what it takes to rebuild the relationship you destroyed with you wife

 

You stabbed her in the heart...do you understand the pain you have caused her?

[Carriages]

OP, it relly seems like your ignoring advice that doesn't already agree with you. I don't think any advice here, whether you want to hear it or not, is said malicious. They are trying to help... although maybe sometimes your wife as much as you. I'm not sure why they're bothering though...you don't seem to care at all what would be good for anyone else.

 

I'm not ignoring any advice; I'm digesting it all. There has been plenty said on here which has been quite nasty and malicious; although the moderators have deleted much of it. In terms of people "trying to help my wife"....... well, she's not on this forum. Let her seek her help where she may.

 

And I'm not sure how I've given the impression that I don't care "at all" what would be good for anyone else. If that was the case I would have walked away from my marriage, had minimal contact, got straight to lawyers and ignored everyone's pleas. My wife wants me back. So do my kids. I am not back, because I'm not certain it would succeed. And I am not yet certain it would fail either. But I AM certain that failure would be catastrophic for all concerned. What about that is not caring at all would be good for anyone else???

[Carriages]

Sounds like fake it til you make it - for the next 40 years. Without a trace or sarcasm or irony, I'll say good luck with that.

 

Wish I had my DeLorean, could jump you ahead 5 years. At that point I'd guess you would have found out the hard what some of those here, having already lived it, are trying to tell you in advance...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Are you suggesting that some people here have gone back in similar circumstances and it hasn't worked out? I'd like to hear from them.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'm not ignoring any advice; I'm digesting it all. There has been plenty said on here which has been quite nasty and malicious; although the moderators have deleted much of it. In terms of people "trying to help my wife"....... well, she's not on this forum. Let her seek her help where she may.

 

And I'm not sure how I've given the impression that I don't care "at all" what would be good for anyone else. If that was the case I would have walked away from my marriage, had minimal contact, got straight to lawyers and ignored everyone's pleas. My wife wants me back. So do my kids. I am not back, because I'm not certain it would succeed. And I am not yet certain it would fail either. But I AM certain that failure would be catastrophic for all concerned. What about that is not caring at all would be good for anyone else???

 

you do understand that if you go back to your wife...you take on both sets of issues?

You cannot reconcile a relationship without ALL the issues...

You have to become one...you have to put her first...and what you just said here is extremely self centered

 

You are clearly not in the mindset to reconcile.......

[LivingWaterPlease]

Well - I am stringing her along, and have done all year. But only through honesty. She keeps asking if I've "made a final decision" to which I reply "no, I'm conflicted, confused and still trying to work it through". Which of course gives her hope. But what should I do?? Lie??

 

No, Carriages, you shouldn't lie.

 

I respect the fact that you've returned to answer some hard questions and also am glad that you seem to be authentic in your answers.

 

I hope I don't come across as critical in these next paragraphs but just want to share some things with you that may or may not help.

 

My belief is that you're in no shape to go back to your wife and be a competent husband. By your own words, as you string her along you're conflicted and confused. You need to be sure, strong, steady, respectful and loving when you return.

 

I also believe your W is in no shape to take you back. I believe there is more to your W than either of you realize and that being on her own for awhile (with regularly scheduled visits to MC for the two of you), while you commit to not contacting OW and not dating anyone else, will give her time to learn how strong and worthwhile a person she is in her own right.

 

I also believe it's important for you to demonstrate to both yourself and your wife that you have the strength of character to face this time in your life without the comfort of a woman to fall back on. That said, I'm not insinuating that man and woman shouldn't assist each other in life but rather you have been weak in the past to turn to a woman when your life wasn't working out as you thought it should. It would be helpful for you and your wife both for you to take some time without another person to lean on. I believe your appreciation for your wife when you eventually get back together will have grown from this and other disciplines.

 

Judging from your posts with my admittedly limited perspective, both you and your wife seem to think too little of her and too much of you. The power balance seems to be off and needing adjustment, for the happiness of both of you and for the health of your marriage.

 

One of the most glaring facts in this situation, to me, is that you've never really valued your W as a woman you felt you were fortunate to marry and whom you loved with all your heart. Now that you have love for another woman in your heart and are contemplating returning to your wife so that you won't be lonely and you'll have the comforts of your family around you, it seems to me that you are using her and taking advantage of her great need/desire for you.

 

In a sense your wife has never been lower on the totem pole than she is now. Not only is she someone you've settled for. Now she's someone you settled for and then cheated on. It seems she has never been respected by you as a woman deserving of your full attention and love. You may go back to her now and try to make your marriage work but in order for that to happen it will help for you to have respect for her and also have humility with her, realizing she has as much to offer as you do and having gained an appreciation for her as an individual and as a woman you're attracted to and can connect with on a deeper level than you have experienced in the past. Both you and your W need an adjustment in your perceptions of your individual selves and in your perception of each other for this to occur, imo.

 

I wouldn't have written such a straightforward message in my first or second post to you. But since you have demonstrated your authenticity as you post and are responding to the tough questions without being defensive, I believe you're more than able to deal with straight talk.

 

Carriages, I am on the side of reconciliation for your marriage. I believe you have the desire and the will to see this process through. It is your privilege and duty to lead your family back into love, unity and health.

 

You can do this as you approach the situation with tenacity, authenticity and humility. But, you are going to need help. I know you write that you and your W both have had IC. I don't recall whether or not you've been in MC but either way, please get with a competent counselor to help guide you through.

 

I plan to pray for your marriage tonight and also will pray as God reminds me. I say,"as God reminds me," because I notice I will forget to pray for people I give my word to pray for. When I rely on God to remind me I find that as I'm praying in my devotional time, He will, indeed remind me to pray for that person.

[BlueDress]

You won't know what works until you try. I'm patiently waiting for my chance with my husband again after he left and married the woman he had an affair with. It's coming soon and if you see your window you should take it. People here tend to be really negative about reconciliation. If that's what you both want then why not? There is nothing wrong with saying an affair experiment didn't play out and you're ready to come home. If that's what she's waiting for then you owe it to both of you to go back.

[poofitsgone]

And I said it didn't seem like you care because you haven't said anything that would make me think you do. You said you want your family life back, I imagine divorce would change that considerably, and it would be scary to start all over by yourself. I can only talk on what I see of what you share of the situation, of course its not from a omniscient viewpoint.

 

I know your wife wants you back, but how well does she know the situation? Have you told her you still love the OW, and would go back to her if she asks? Have you told her you never really loved her and settled because you didn't know what else to do? That you don't "feel" bad about what you did? That if you got together again, its in the hope that you would learn to love her, and that you currently think of her more as a comforting presence than a wife? Not just assumed she knows any of these things... actually told her and made sure she knows it?

 

I imagine her opinion would be very different if you told her these things. Maybe let her see your posts here.

 

Regardless of her thoughts, I think you need to leave her. You can still have a great life with shared custody and and new step-mom for them. Getting with your wife is only going to lead to heartache and unfulfillment for both of you. I don't see any good reasons to think it would work out.

 

Good luck making your decision. I hope whatever it is it works out for the best.

Edited October 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Carriages]

no, carriages, you shouldn't lie.

 

I respect the fact that you've returned to answer some hard questions and also am glad that you seem to be authentic in your answers

.thanks

 

my belief is that you're in no shape to go back to your wife and be a competent husband. By your own words, as you string her along you're conflicted and confused. You need to be sure, strong, steady, respectful and loving when you return.

 

I also believe your w is in no shape to take you back. I believe there is more to your w than either of you realize

i agree

and that being on her own for awhile (with regularly scheduled visits to mc for the two of you), while you commit to not contacting ow and not dating anyone else, will give her time to learn how strong and worthwhile a person she is in her own right.

 

I also believe it's important for you to demonstrate to both yourself and your wife that you have the strength of character to face this time in your life without the comfort of a woman to fall back on. That said, i'm not insinuating that man and woman shouldn't assist each other in life but rather you have been weak in the past to turn to a woman when your life wasn't working out as you thought it should. It would be helpful for you and your wife both for you to take some time without another person to lean on. I believe your appreciation for your wife when you eventually get back together will have grown from this and other disciplines.

i understand.

 

Judging from your posts with my admittedly limited perspective, both you and your wife seem to think too little of her and too much of you.

i agree. It has actually been always too much of a "parent/child" type of relationship. Not good for either of us

the power balance seems to be off and needing adjustment, for the happiness of both of you and for the health of your marriage.

 

One of the most glaring facts in this situation, to me, is that you've never really valued your w as a woman you felt you were fortunate to marry and whom you loved with all your heart. Now that you have love for another woman in your heart and are contemplating returning to your wife so that you won't be lonely and you'll have the comforts of your family around you, it seems to me that you are using her and taking advantage of her great need/desire for you.

that is probably true. So do i need to act as though that need/desire isn't there??

 

carriages, i am on the side of reconciliation for your marriage. I believe you have the desire and the will to see this process through. It is your privilege and duty to lead your family back into love, unity and health.

 

You can do this as you approach the situation with tenacity, authenticity and humility. But, you are going to need help. I know you write that you and your w both have had ic. I don't recall whether or not you've been in mc but either way, please get with a competent counselor to help guide you through.

i'm ambivalent about counselling (we've had a lot). They teach you "relationships take work/men and women are different/no-one is perfect" and charge $180. In terms of taking the truly tough issues.... I found it hopeless. I'm getting better clarity through reading books, and blogs. I think the one positive thing about counselling is that it does give you a safe environment in which to communicate. But me and my wife are able to communicate constructively now

 

i plan to pray for your marriage tonight and also will pray as god reminds me. I say,"as god reminds me," because i notice i will forget to pray for people i give my word to pray for. When i rely on god to remind me i find that as i'm praying in my devotional time, he will, indeed remind me to pray for that person.

thanks. Can you also pray that if we are to reconcile, that it doesn't take me too long to get to a point where i can be strong? I can't cope with many more months. Maybe, with good behavior on my part, it'll happen sooner than we think. Edited October 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Carriages]

And i said it didn't seem like you care because you haven't said anything that would make me think you do. You said you want your family life back, i imagine divorce would change that considerably, and it would be scary to start all over by yourself. I can only talk on what i see of what you share of the situation, of course its not from a omniscient viewpoint.

 

I know your wife wants you back, but how well does she know the situation? Have you told her you still love the ow yes, and would go back to her if she asks?

i have said i would talk to her. Which is true. I wouldn't jump straight back.

have you told her you never really loved her and settled because you didn't know what else to do?

no, not in so many words.

that you don't "feel" bad about what you did?

yes i have.

that if you got together again, its in the hope that you would learn to love her, and that you currently think of her more as a comforting presence than a wife?

yes, i have said i need her to be a "partner". She genuinely didn't understand the concept, and how she hadn't been one, although a counsellor did try to tackle it.

not just assumed she knows any of these things... Actually told her and made sure she knows it?

 

I imagine her opinion would be very different if you told her these things. Maybe let her see your posts here.

no. I can't do it, can't tell her everything. There are some things you just can't do to the mother of your kids. Edited October 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Repair quoting failures

[Mr. Lucky]

Are you suggesting that some people here have gone back in similar circumstances and it hasn't worked out? I'd like to hear from them.

 

I think from at least some of them you already have. [Editorial comment redacted]

 

Given all the challenges you'd be returning to - your wife's anger, missing your OW, your previous marital issues, etc - there's one simple 4-word statement that might fortell a chance of successful recovery - "I love my wife". At this point, might settle for "I like my wife".

 

Haven't heard you say it once...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited October 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[trippi1432]

Well, the past two responses were counts to 10...when conflicted, it helps I'm sure.

 

Let's take post count #91 with your rebuttal, I honestly feel for you. You truly don't know what you want. When you have been in an affair, you become conflicted. The woman you loved previously, shrinks in comparison...the woman who drew you in eventually shrinks in comparison as well. She will eventually be more demanding than your wife.

 

What is reality is facing your choices....nobody wants to do that. Counseling sucks, but you are already running affair fog interference in the rebuttals to the last few posts.

 

"no. I can't do it, can't tell her everything. There are some things you just can't do to the mother of your kids."

 

I guess the question is how you explain that woman to your kids....those are your desires, and your problem.

 

We want to help, but do you see the issue?

[Carriages]

We want to help, but do you see the issue?

 

No. I genuinely don't. Explain it to me like I'm a 2 year old.

[trippi1432]

No. I genuinely don't. Explain it to me like I'm a 2 year old.

 

I will do my best since you ask....Little Jonny has a nice red firetruck, he rides in it for several years and puts out several fires. Then one day, he responds to a big fire and an even nicer new firetruck is on the scene, her ladder is longer, her hoses extend further and he doesn't feel bad climbing her ladder because those old fires are the past and new fires await him.

 

The old firetruck waves goodbye and waits for stronger hands to take her, ones she can really trust now that the old fireman has skipped off to his new firetruck.

 

 

So to put it in 2 year old terms.......the bright shiny toy isn't as bright and shiny...that is your problem.

[William]

Evening folks. Couple things.

 

1. Ignore moderation's directives at your own peril. Our new moderator, ~6, was nice enough to clean up the worst of the vitriol spewed and post a directive. Now I'm going to enforce it.

 

2. Since there is no active affair going on and this thread starter is apparently wishing to continue his marriage and wishes support in that goal, I'm going to move this discussion to MLP where the focus is, indeed, on marriage and support for it. Any advice and suggestions can be couched in the tone of that forum.

 

As an editorial comment, we know we've failed when the member with the highest post count on LoveShack.org, whichwayisup, comes in here and tells a thread starter to ignore rude comments. Moderation has failed. OK, accepted. We'll get that fixed up, starting now. My apologies to the thread starter for our failure.

 

Lastly, no member is compelled to nor required to take or accept or even acknowledge any advice or opinion offered here. All posts are freely and voluntarily offered without expectation of anything.

 

Advisory concluded.

Edited October 21, 2015 by William

[LivingWaterPlease]

Carriages:

 

that is probably true. So do i need to act as though that need/desire isn't there??

 

LWP:

 

My first thought is that you should indicate to your wife that her desire for you is precious, that you treasure it, and that it is just one of the many reasons you want to try to put your marriage back together. But, that you don't want to take advantage of that need/desire and also that you want to learn to grow and have the same desire for her that she has for you. I believe that your taking time to work through this methodically and thoughtfully demonstrates your taking a respectful stance for her. You're not taking her need/desire lightly but addressing it and planning to meet it when the two of you are fully prepared to reunite in one living space. Imo, it's important for the two of you to stay connected while living apart, for both of your sakes.

 

It seems to me that at some point you should begin dating and also should do family things together. I would think you should continue to do things together as a family without disrupting that part of your lives if your express goal is to put your marriage back together in a stronger way. To me, this is just one of the reasons you need a third party, some sort of counselor or adviser to help you know when you are both ready to move into a more connected life together, in stages as you both grow.

 

Carriages:

 

I'm ambivalent about counseling (we've had a lot). They teach you "relationships take work/men and women are different/no-one is perfect" and charge $180. In terms of taking the truly tough issues.... I found it hopeless. I'm getting better clarity through reading books, and blogs. I think the one positive thing about counseling is that it does give you a safe environment in which to communicate. But me and my wife are able to communicate constructively now

 

LWP:

 

It's good that you can communicate constructively together now and that you're learning through books and blogs.

 

I, too, have some ambivalence about counseling, having worked with seven or eight different counselors earlier in my life, some of them very good.

 

Undergoing counseling was comforting and affirming to me at certain times but I learned there is no real power there. However, I do believe it could be important for accountability for you and your wife at this time. Perhaps you could find a pastoral counselor as some large churches have them on their staff and they don't charge or charge very little to counsel you. With many of them you don't even have to be a member of their church in order to benefit from the service.

 

Ultimately what has helped me the most, though, in my life is something I believe would really help you and your wife, both. It has been time spent in the Bible getting into a close relationship with Jesus Christ. That is where you will find power to untangle the problems of your life.

 

Please allow me to explain:

 

You see, Carriages, I was like your W at one time, a child to my strong H's (tall, handsome, successful in business and many other ways) parent figure. I think my story is on here somewhere in a thread so I'm not going to t/j. It was totally through reading the Bible and coming into a serious and consistent relationship with Christ that I learned to stand on my own when H left me. Counselors comforted me but after an hour or two I had to leave and then I was alone again, weak, confused and poorer!

 

I'm now strong as I have learned to put my trust in Him and stay in the Bible every day. It has been quite a journey but is the most satisfying relationship I've ever had.

 

God has the power to straighten out any messed up life there is but it takes time, commitment and consistency in His word, the Bible.

 

As it turned out in my case, I, the weak, fragile (physically, emotionally, financially) ex partner, through a relationship with Jesus Christ, became stronger than my ex H and ended up totally rearing and providing financially for my children without his help when he flaked out. No one would have ever predicted it and some had predicted I would never make it without him.

 

I write these words to let you know that the same power to straighten out your life and your W's life is available to you.

 

I have no idea of your beliefs but if you would just get a Bible (New International Version, NIV) and pray before you read it, starting in the Psalms and the gospels (first four books of the New Testament) you will be amazed how your life will begin to change in every way even when you're not focused on changing. The power of God's word will do a job in you.

 

"For the word of God is alive and active." Hebrews 4:12

 

If you and your wife committed to each reading for five minutes a day then getting on the phone or meeting for a short time to have a short prayer together and discuss what you have read your lives and your relationship would begin to change, I guarantee you.

 

There is power in God's Word that is found nowhere else on this earth.

 

Listen to this, it is for you,

 

"I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation so that you may know Him better..........I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you,....and His incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of His mighty strength which He exerted in Christ when He raised Him from the dead....." Ephesians 1:17-19

 

Now here is the description of that power that raised Him from the dead (that the above text says belongs to you, the believer in Jesus Christ),

 

"The earth shook and the rocks split, The tombs broke open." Matthew 27:51;52. "There was a violent earthquake...." Matthew 28:2

 

Now here is more hope for you!

 

"'For I hate divorce,' says the Lord." Malachi 2:16.

So we know from this text that it's God's will for you to remain married if possible, but obviously He wants you to be happily married.

 

Now this,

 

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of Him." 1 John 5:14-15

 

Carriages:

 

Can you also pray that if we are to reconcile, that it doesn't take me too long to get to a point where i can be strong? I can't cope with many more months. Maybe, with good behavior on my part, it'll happen sooner than we think.

 

LWP:

 

Yes, I'm copying this request to print out and put at the place where I pray so that I'll remember exactly what you requested, Carriages.

 

I do so wish you would find someone who would be a friend of your marriage and whom you respect to have accountability with for both you and your wife, again, possibly a pastoral counselor for reasons of financial ease.

 

I wish for your W that she could understand that your goal is for both of you to grow and to bring your marriage into a healthier place than ever before.

[Carriages]

I wish for your W that she could understand that your goal is for both of you to grow and to bring your marriage into a healthier place than ever before.

 

Thanks. This isn't *yet* my goal - but it will be, if I get to a point where I can trust it will be authentically possible