I need........... support

[cocorico]

we have had a child with difficulties which has been an enormous strain.

 

 

This is why your W wants you back.

 

She is overwhelmed by caring for a special needs child alone.

[cocorico]

You won't know what works until you try. I'm patiently waiting for my chance with my husband again after he left and married the woman he had an affair with. It's coming soon and if you see your window you should take it. People here tend to be really negative about reconciliation. If that's what you both want then why not? There is nothing wrong with saying an affair experiment didn't play out and you're ready to come home. If that's what she's waiting for then you owe it to both of you to go back.

 

These two situations are not the same. Your exhusband wants nothing to do with you,means away from you when you approach him, has forbidden you from visiting his parents (who don't want to see you either) and you're hanging around hoping to seduce him away from his dying wife. Of course people are not encouraging you in your stalking / delusion. The OP's situation is very different, and people are responding accordingly.

[cocorico]

Are you suggesting that some people here have gone back in similar circumstances and it hasn't worked out? I'd like to hear from them.

 

My H was in an analogous position in his previous M.

 

He took his then-W back after a separation, after she promised to work on the issues in the M (he had tried, she had refused, as she didn't think there were any problems, thus, if he thought there were problems, they were his problems and not hers to fix..). She soon reverted to how she was before, and he felt trapped. He had agreed to take her back because she'd begged, and because the kids had been traumatised by the separation, and so he did not feel that he could inflict another separation on them so soon. So he stayed, although he was very unhappy and the M was as bad as ever, even worse, after she got her way.

 

Of course it was unsustainable.

 

After a year, he became vulnerable to an A, and that led to him dumping her for good.

 

In retrospect, he says now he should never have agreed to take her back. The problems that were there before didn't go away, and because they were not problems to her, she saw no need to fix anything.

 

Nothing will change unless both people are fully committed, both are willing to work really hard to make the changes, and both feel strongly that the changes need to happen, and how, and agree as to what the M should and should not be like.

 

OP, it doesn't sound as though you and your W are on the same page in this. You have said you will not / cannot be completely honest with her about how you are feeling. That alone does not augur well. You have doubts - that does not signal full commitment. You still have attachment (even love) toward your fOW. Your W *is* Plan B, even if you're not telling her that.

 

And, from her side, she is "settling" too. She wants a man who is all in, loves *her* above all others, wants to commit fully to her. That's not you... as you've shown her. But she needs help with your special needs child, is fearful that she (with her low self-esteem) and the added complication of a special needs child, will be unable to land such a man, so she's willing to settle for the devil she knows.

 

I don't think this will be best for either of you. She will always live under the yoke of knowing she only got you back because the woman you really wanted dumped you. She will always live in fear that it could happen again. You will always wonder if settling was premature, if you should have thought it through more, come to another decision. And because you admit that, were it the wrong choice it would be devastating, you'll be unwilling to admit that to each other, and you'll continue. Unhappily.

 

And that certainly won't be good for your kids.

[Mr. Lucky]

Do I love my wife? This is a question I ask myself on a constant basis. My immediate answer is Yes! And then there's a "but". The but is along the lines of "as a special friend", "as someone who knows me", "as someone I've shared my life with"....... but is it love in the true husband/wife sense?? I just don't know.

 

When the answer to "Do I love my wife?" has more disclaimers than a car insurance policy, it really just means "no". And I'd guess your wife's answer to the same question would be just as conditional and nuanced.

 

Which leaves your marriage like a gym membership - you signed up for it, you're paying the price, you really want to go and make it work and on some level you understand it's probably the best thing for you.

 

We all know how it usually turns out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[flowergirl14]

Quote:

i agree. It has actually been always too much of a "parent/child" type of relationship. Not good for either of us that is probably true.

 

Your 25 year old girlfriend may have been mature for her age. But aren't you repeating the parent/child dynamic that you say isnt healthy with your wife with ow? You himted that the ow wasnt really mature enough to deal with your kids and the devestation you inflicted upon them. She was too immature to see the impacts of an affair on many many many people. This isnt a healthy relationship either. Maybe get a divorce take some time to find a partner who is in the same place in life as you are. Not a 20 something or a wife you never fully loved.

[OldRover]

I just don't get why people are making this accusation.

 

My wife wants to reconcile. She's had plenty of counselling. She's still grieving, but getting better. And for the past 15 months I've thought of nothing much else than the needs of my wife & family (as well as my own). But that doesn't extend as far as "divorcing her for her own good". The situation really is pretty much about what *I* do next. So tell me, what more could I say here to indicate I do in fact give a damn??

 

Carriages,

 

Here's some thoughts and truths:

 

First of all there's a lot of myths on this thread:

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater is totally NOT TRUE

 

The MAJORITY of marriages with infidelity issues, the couple stays together. (50 to 70% depending on whose stats you use). And out of that there are several that report a BETTER relationship

 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. (Absolute BS, no matter what). Absence makes one forget.

 

Now some truths:

 

If you are to reconcile with your wife, you'll both need commitment. And you'll need to be remorseful of the affair and spend a LOT of time rebuilding.

 

The commitment and the work will take time, it make take a year or longer, but if it works it will be worth it. It CAN be better than before..... even as good or better than when you were married.

 

You both will have to examine the problems you had before, especially if it helped you into the affair and come to a conclusion of how to eliminate them.

 

You may love your wife more than you think. You've indicated that it was great when you got married, and had some great times, and you've had 25 years to really get to know her. As for the OW, sure it was "love" but not on the same level, more of a "honeymoon" love. But that doesn't mean it's not real and will take some time to get over, but you CAN do that, especially with help.

 

======

You sound a bit uneasy, which is understandable. So, if you want a bit more time to think things over, take it. And DATE your wife. Spend some time together. DO NOT FIGHT under any circumstances. Don't say anything negative, only positives. If she brings up negative things, agree or agree to not agree, but tell her they're off the table for now. Take some time to get to know her again. You can still do her favors, help around the house, take her to lunch, dinner, movies, etc.

 

As for the OW, you need to work hard to get her TOTALLY out of her mind. Dump everything of hers, pictures, gifts, etc. And if she's in your work environment you need to change it. You can get the help of your counselor to do this (and if your counselor sucks, get another one). You WILL get over her, she was short term and an exciting mistake. Your chances of success with her would have been horribly bad (about 5% succeed, and you had a generation gap to deal with, too). Surprisingly, your wife make be receptive to helping you put this behind you, but tread carefully on that at a later time.

 

MOST people with an affair problem end up successfully back together, and for some, it's better than before.

 

If you don't believe the stats, look them up... there's tons of info out there. And there's ton's of good info on how to successfully get her back.... but you need to want that 110%.

[autumnnight]

You both will have to examine the problems you had before, especially if it helped you into the affair

 

And again... HE helped HIMSELF into the affair...which is what he does NOT understand yet. And I still see no inkling of empathy or humility.

[OldRover]

And again... HE helped HIMSELF into the affair...which is what he does NOT understand yet. And I still see no inkling of empathy or humility.

 

Autumn,

 

We really don't know how much the difficulties of his marriage contributed to the affair, but I'd bet my bottom dollar that they did. I'm not blaming her, and he chose the affair, if he was looking for it or not. However, the point is that there ARE marital problems, and to be successful they need to be addressed.

 

Yes, he needs empathy and humility but I do see some, it's not easy to get thru this, and I do see some light at the end of the tunnel, and believe it's solvable. WAY better than divorce.

[autumnnight]

Autumn,

 

We really don't know how much the difficulties of his marriage contributed to the affair, but I'd bet my bottom dollar that they did. I'm not blaming her, and he chose the affair, if he was looking for it or not. However, the point is that there ARE marital problems, and to be successful they need to be addressed.

 

Yes, he needs empathy and humility but I do see some, it's not easy to get thru this, and I do see some light at the end of the tunnel, and believe it's solvable. WAY better than divorce.

 

I think they can recover too...but not if he comes to her wanting to have a "firm talk" about all the things SHE needs to change. She is bleeding on the floor. HE needs to take care of THAT first.

[Carriages]

I think they can recover too...but not if he comes to her wanting to have a "firm talk" about all the things SHE needs to change. She is bleeding on the floor. HE needs to take care of THAT first.

 

I know. But before I tend to that bleeding, show her love, and give her hope; I need to have a clear idea that reconciliation is both what I really want, and is likely to succeed. I am the only one taking ownership of this issue. From day 1, my wife would've had me back no matter what. When really, as lots of people have said, she shouldn't have.

[Sassy Girl]

I think they can recover too...but not if he comes to her wanting to have a "firm talk" about all the things SHE needs to change. She is bleeding on the floor. HE needs to take care of THAT first.

 

This. Because she also won't be the wife he wants or needs if she's on eggshells trying to make him happy or he leaves... Or if she doubts herself, or doesn't value herself. No one who wants an authentic, loving relationship wants a doormat for a life partner.

 

 

I know you think you acted with integrity by being honest, and maybe in some respects you did, but you also just taught your children that people are disposable. Even your wife of 25 years- the mother of your children. I'm surprised your children haven't reacted to the damage you inflicted on their mother. Maybe in a few years once they're old enough to process it and start forming relationships of their own...?

Edited October 22, 2015 by Sassy Girl

[waterwoman]

Yes, she's in pain, she's terrified, she tells you she wants you back because she's scared to contemplate anything else. She needs you to ease her fears, salve her wounds, not tell her how conflicted you are, how much she needs to change to enable you to stay. I cannot imagine being told that my H hadsettked for me, that he wasn't sure about me, in the aftermath of his affair. He wrapped me in his love, his remorse, his desire, he put up with my rage and pain. if he had not done that we would have been done and dusted.

 

If you aren't sure, if you honestly can't give her anything but your physical presence, just leave. That poor woman must be in so much pain. Plan B ... Maybe... If you can make up your mind.

 

Please don't misunderstand me. I admire you for wanting to get it right, for wanting to be sure, but love relationships require a little passion, a few wild-eyed declarations, particularly after so much damage. I feel for you but I feel for your wife more. Good luck

[Ladyjane14]

When the answer to "Do I love my wife?" has more disclaimers than a car insurance policy, it really just means "no". And I'd guess your wife's answer to the same question would be just as conditional and nuanced.

 

Which leaves your marriage like a gym membership - you signed up for it, you're paying the price, you really want to go and make it work and on some level you understand it's probably the best thing for you.

 

We all know how it usually turns out...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

How would he know if he loves his wife or not? He's still "under the influence". Hell, if cheeseburgers walked out of his life... he might've ended up convinced that the only measure of true love was cheeseburgers.

 

Call me a realist, I guess. But the only thing that matters are FACTS. And if this guy was to put his feelings aside and not have his actions dictated by them, he might find enough clarity of mind to make a real decision.

 

I don't buy the re-write of marital history when there's clearly still a chemical infatuation in place, not from any wayward. It's just one side of the story. I'm also not buying that the wife is reacting merely from some kind of knee-jerk reaction, as we've seen many people suggest. She's kept her family afloat for 15 months while her husband was busy flaking out. That takes some emotional strength to accomplish. She might very well have what it takes.

[Ladyjane14]

Hmmm... you want to go home, don't you, Carriages?

[ladydesigner]

However, the point is that there ARE marital problems, and to be successful they need to be addressed.

 

Yeah but not until the A gets dealt with first. M problems don't get discussed until the A has been dealt with fully. After Dday I could have cared less about our M problems. It was the A and why my WH let it get to that point where he felt only an A was possible. There is a flaw with the person who has the A that they were able to let that happen in the first place.

[Ladyjane14]

Yeah but not until the A gets dealt with first. M problems don't get discussed until the A has been dealt with fully. After Dday I could have cared less about our M problems. It was the A and why my WH let it get to that point where he felt only an A was possible. There is a flaw with the person who has the A that they were able to let that happen in the first place.

 

That's one of the scary parts for waywards. They're afraid they're going to be wearing the hair shirt for the rest of their lives and that no one is going to care that they have relational goals as well.

 

Sometimes it's a justifiable fear. Other times, their betrayed spouse surprises the **** out of them by how much empathy s/he can rummage up.

 

The trick to recovery is empathy and friendship on BOTH sides.

 

A wayward will often tick off the boxes of what he's done...

Ran out on wife and children... check.

****ed a 25 year-old... check.

Ruined reputation... check.

Lost self-respect... check. And on and on.

 

Oftentimes they can't find empathy for themselves, despite the tenor of their grandiosity, and they don't see how a betrayed spouse could possibly find some for them either. Meanwhile, in order to let go of their fantasy, they have to face those checked boxes without the rationalizations they used to make their behavior palatable... which of course, then increases the sense of shame and the fear.

 

Sometime you just have to say "what the ****" though.. and take a chance.

[BlueDress]

Carriages my husband left me for the woman he was cheating with. I've wanted him back every day since he left. I knew what I had for him was true love and that his infatuation is a passing one. I tried to date. I did have relationships. None of them measured up to our marriage. I see how he is now and I see a better man than I got and it makes me realize he is the man for me.

 

It sounds like this is how your wife feels about you.

 

A smart woman knows what she had even after it leaves. She works to get it back. She wants it back. She will wait out the bumps because she sees the person underneath. The one that's real not the fake one for some mistresses benefit.

 

If you want to go back then go back. She knows you will eventually. It's just the when. There is nothing more heartcatching then standing by the door knowing he's coming but waiting for him to come. I'm at this part now. The waiting is painful.

[Ladyjane14]

Hmmm... you want to go home, don't you, Carriages?

 

Suggested reading... Terrence Real, John Gottman, Shirley Glass.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Carriages my husband left me for the woman he was cheating with. I've wanted him back every day since he left. I knew what I had for him was true love and that his infatuation is a passing one. I tried to date. I did have relationships. None of them measured up to our marriage. I see how he is now and I see a better man than I got and it makes me realize he is the man for me.

 

It sounds like this is how your wife feels about you.

 

A smart woman knows what she had even after it leaves. She works to get it back. She wants it back. She will wait out the bumps because she sees the person underneath. The one that's real not the fake one for some mistresses benefit.

 

If you want to go back then go back. She knows you will eventually. It's just the when. There is nothing more heartcatching then standing by the door knowing he's coming but waiting for him to come. I'm at this part now. The waiting is painful.

 

yes bluedress...but the difference is you are waiting for your husbands new wife to die so you can try to get him back...and he is not interested in coming back to you.

 

this man never divorced and never remarried.....his wife wants him to come home from a two year affair not a five year marriage to someone else that he loves and is now unfortunately sick.

 

the situations are NOTHING alike

[BlueDress]

If I can go through all of that and still love my husband then she can still be married to him and go through his affair and feel the same. He has the benefit of still being married to her.

[Mrs. John Adams]

She is not here to answer that...but he has indicated she still loves him and wants him. and yes we know you still want your husband...but your husband has a little hiccup...a new wife.

 

this man does not have a new wife...

[BlueDress]

She is not here to answer that...but he has indicated she still loves him and wants him. and yes we know you still want your husband...but your husband has a little hiccup...a new wife.

 

this man does not have a new wife...

 

All the more reason to give it a shot. They both want it and his complication is gone.

[Mrs. John Adams]

and we wish him great success

[OldRover]

If I can go through all of that and still love my husband then she can still be married to him and go through his affair and feel the same. He has the benefit of still being married to her.

 

 

Blue,

 

Ya never know... chances of your man successful with his new woman is MUCH less than reconciliation with you. Good luck to you. Yes, people DO get back together. That's why I'm hoping that Carriages will go back. Yes, there's lots of work to do.

[OldRover]

Yeah but not until the A gets dealt with first. M problems don't get discussed until the A has been dealt with fully. After Dday I could have cared less about our M problems. It was the A and why my WH let it get to that point where he felt only an A was possible. There is a flaw with the person who has the A that they were able to let that happen in the first place.

 

Lady,

 

BOTH must be addressed, and there is no particular order.... do what it takes and solve problems. Everyone looks at affairs and marital problems a bit different.