I'm terrified

[courtneykay]

I am in a really bad state of mind right now, so I really hope this is understandable. Boyfriend and I are nearing our 2 year anniversary, we have been long distance for about four month, and will be until May. I really love him, feel like he's the one I want to marry, etc. My family and friends all adore him too.

 

Things have been going pretty well, I have gone to visit him twice. He was supposed to come visit me for our anniversary coming up at the beginning of November. He works as a news anchor so his time off is weird, his days off are tues, wed, thurs, so trying to plan trips has been hard. He requested time off for our anniversary, but was denied.

 

I know it's not his fault they denied him, but it still upsets me. He had to tell them in August the days he would like off for the quarter, and for whatever reason I guess he didn't think it would be important to take days off around our anniversary. This is only the beginning of the spiral.

 

I finally start to accept the fact he won't be visiting me, and we work towards trying to come up with a new plan. I'm a student in my last year of college, so I have a thanksgiving break and winter break. He is working thanksgiving day and Christmas both. I obviously will celebrate those holidays with my immediate family, but we decided I could visit him Fri-Wed of my thanksgiving break so I am back the day of to spend with my family.

 

I start feeling better knowing we have a day set to see each other. The problem is it is ridiculously expensive ticket this time of year, I'm a student and this is his first job so we aren't exactly swimming in money. Of course we try to split it up as evenly as possible. I skype him tonight and say what the heck, let's just do it. I want to see you. His demeanor immediately changes and he says he doesn't want to talk about it. I tell him I know it's not a fun situation but we need to.

 

Then things take a turn for the worse. He is telling me how his family is planning to come visit the same time as me. Yeah maybe we won't get as much alone time, but it doesn't matter as long as we are together. He then goes on to say how they're basically saying if I come visit him, they won't be coming. Their reasoning is apparently it's more expensive to find a place for five people to stay than it is for four. They're wanting to travel to the coast, but he has an apartment where I could comfortably stay and they could stay at a hotel for THREE people which will be even cheaper.

 

This then lead to a big argument between the two of us. He feels like he is caught in between the two of us, and believe me I get that. I find it unfair his parents are putting him in this position. I think it's just the way his mom is. I have written a thread on here before how she is over protective of him and invasive of our relationship, snooping through my bag to find my birth control, and so forth. I know you can't choose your family though so I am always doing my best to be cordial and make a good impression. But I know a lot of this is just because that's how his mom is. She wants him to stay a child forever.

 

Anyway, I am obviously feeling unwanted and disliked by his family, which terrifies me. We talk about marriage all the time, but I'm now afraid he will break up with me because of his family. He says that he needs to talk to them about this and figure out if this is something we can financially afford, or if I should just come visit in December over my winter break. I know that may be the easier route, but part of me feels like if he lets his family do this then it's saying that this type of behavior is acceptable or okay, and we both know that it not.

[Els]

His MOM digs through YOUR bag to find your birth control!?!??!?! And what did he say about that, did he defend her?? That is completely unacceptable!

 

Holy ****. He's an independent adult with a job now, he needs to start standing up to them a bit. It's tough, believe me I know that, but he needs to at least put in the effort to take baby steps. If he doesn't start now when will he ever?

 

And if the two of you get married, what then? Is she going to live with you and poke her nose into your bags all the time then too? Will he take her side if she does that?

 

I know this is in the LDR forums and I know how important it is to have time together IRL. I wish I could help you with that, but in this case it sounds to me like there are way bigger issues in your R than just not being able to enjoy your anniversary together.

 

Whatever you do, please do not even consider marrying him until he has taken steps to resolve or at least create some distance between him and his overbearing family. Has he ever lived outside of his mom's home before?

[Lois_Griffin]

It sounds as though he's making ZERO effort to see you and is passively/aggressively basically telling you not to come.

 

I wouldn't waste my money.

 

But I would reconsider being with such a passive little coward. He'll be that for life - as long as mommy's alive.

[courtneykay]

Believe me, it is something that he has addressed and argued with her about time and time again.A similar situation happened earlier this summer when he was first moving across the country. He wanted me to go on the trip with him as travelling across the country ended up being around 28 hrs total. It worked out because I was able to help him a lot, help him move in, see the town, etc. BUT, his mom was originally going to come along. Then she played the whole "I want alone time with you" card, and basically said if I came, she wouldn't. Needless to say, he chose me.

 

He has been out of the house for 5, maybe 6 years? He has an older sister that has been out of the house for even longer, with a boyfriend of maybe 5 years who she lives with, and his mom FREAKED out about that. She is a very religious person, and doesn't approve of living together, premarital sex, etc. He himself will admit that she is a crazy person. She treats her grown adult children like they are little kids, and refuses to share. I find it to be so immature. I think she is just trying to prevent change from happening, you know, her family expanding and the fact that I am taking away her son, just as his sister's boyfriend is taking away her. It makes me SO angry though! Why can't we share? Why do we have to fight for his attention? My parents would be thrilled and welcoming if I invited him to our Thanksgiving, just as they have been with my other three siblings anytime they have brought significant others around.

 

I think part of what lead to this argument between us is that I am not hearing or seeing him stand up to his mom as we are long distance, and I probably have come off like I am nagging. I just need to trust him. He was frustrated because he had been arguing with her about it all night, defending me and telling her basically everything I've been saying (we can SHARE!) Apparently she sent him a text apologizing last night, but this isn't over yet. He intends to talk with her again tonight after work and get this sorted out, and I think now that he sees how much she is hurting me and us he is going to be taking this more seriously.His worry in this situation is that she is going to follow through with what she's saying - and he won't be able to see his family at all.

 

I am happy he is defending me, but part of me is still concerned. How are we supposed to be happy when he has an unsupportive and childish mother?

[StBreton]

Oh dear ...OP I have 2 boys still at home ...4 and 6 yrs till college ...I adore meeting their friends and girlfriends ...not having daughters I'm very excited about having girls around. Now I know I'll have to share holidays when they're adults ....but your BFs mom is coocoo for cocopuffs. I don't understand at all and sympathize with you ...but also a little for her.

 

Please be patient with your guy without being a doormat ...can you imagine having a mom like that? Very sad. She's passive aggressive and mentally off ...but she's also a scared mom who's afraid she'll not be able to see her son ...and she misses him oodles.

 

Maybe you can make sure they have alone time when you visit him ...like a mom son lunch or brunch ...moms have a special relationship with their sons ...so try not turning this into an us vs them scenario.

 

Also OP ...don't have your guy fight your battles re: the snooping through your bag. I'd ask her myself if there was something she was looking for or...? Let her know you know what's up ...this violation of privacy shouldn't go unaddressed

Edited October 20, 2015 by StBreton

[OnlyHonesty]

You need to ask yourself why you are still investing in this guy. Why have you opted for a long distance with lots of drama as opposed to something closer to home with mutual respect?

 

I wonder if you have self esteem problems and are emotionally unavailable.

 

This thing you have is unhealthy and is not something anyone should entertain.

[courtneykay]

Oh dear ...OP I have 2 boys still at home ...4 and 6 yrs till college ...I adore meeting their friends and girlfriends ...not having daughters I'm very excited about having girls around. Now I know I'll have to share holidays when they're adults ....but your BFs mom is coocoo for cocopuffs. I don't understand at all and sympathize with you ...but also a little for her.

 

Please be patient with your guy without being a doormat ...can you imagine having a mom like that? Very sad. She's passive aggressive and mentally off ...but she's also a scared mom who's afraid she'll not be able to see her son ...and she misses him oodles.

 

Maybe you can make sure they have alone time when you visit him ...like a mom son lunch or brunch ...moms have a special relationship with their sons ...so try not turning this into an us vs them scenario.

 

Also OP ...don't have your guy fight your battles re: the snooping through your bag. I'd ask her myself if there was something she was looking for or...? Let her know you know what's up ...this violation of privacy shouldn't go unaddressed

 

Thank you for sharing your perspective with me. It definitely helps to hear from someone who has sons of their own. I definitely try to give her time with him whenever we are all visiting at the same time. At the same point it never seems to be enough for her.

 

You're probably right in that I should stand up to her myself. I guess it's difficult because I still find myself in this "oh I hope she likes me" stage.

 

Anyway, he told his family I am coming regardless. So now it will be interesting if they still come or opt out.

 

You need to ask yourself why you are still investing in this guy. Why have you opted for a long distance with lots of drama as opposed to something closer to home with mutual respect?

 

I wonder if you have self esteem problems and are emotionally unavailable.

 

This thing you have is unhealthy and is not something anyone should entertain.

 

I find this to be rather offensive. Every relationship has its fair share of trial and error. My relationship with this man is something that is so special and precious to me. I love him with all of my heart, just as he loves me. We entered long distance knowing it would be difficult but that it was only temporary. Other than his mom acting so childish, we really haven't had any issues...so I am not sure where you are getting this from. So yeah I'm pretty insulted that you're saying I have self esteem issues. I get maybe you're trying to help or be honest but I don't think you fully understand my situation.

[Els]

I am happy he is defending me, but part of me is still concerned. How are we supposed to be happy when he has an unsupportive and childish mother?

 

Well, to be fair, people don't choose their parents. It's not his fault that he has a bat**** crazy mother, the issue here is that he seems to be giving in to her a bit too much at your expense. But if you say he does stand up for you, then that's not so bad.

 

I wouldn't fault you for choosing to leave, though. A LDR is hard enough, a LDR with multiple compounding factors is even worse. Only you can decide whether or not this is worth it.

[OnlyHonesty]

 

I find this to be rather offensive. Every relationship has its fair share of trial and error. My relationship with this man is something that is so special and precious to me. I love him with all of my heart, just as he loves me. We entered long distance knowing it would be difficult but that it was only temporary. Other than his mom acting so childish, we really haven't had any issues...so I am not sure where you are getting this from. So yeah I'm pretty insulted that you're saying I have self esteem issues. I get maybe you're trying to help or be honest but I don't think you fully understand my situation.

 

 

What you described is much more than a fair share of trial and error. You say that ''other than his mom acting so childish, we really haven't had any issues...so I am not sure where you are getting this from''. I didn't say you had self esteem issues, I said maybe you did. There is nothing wrong with considering a wide range of areas in a given situation. The reason why I said that was due to all of the following

 

• I am in a really bad state of mind right now
  
• I guess he didn't think it would be important to take days off around our anniversary.
  
• nearing our 2 year anniversary
  
• I skype him tonight and say what the heck, let's just do it. I want to see you. His demeanor immediately changes and he says he doesn't want to talk about it.
  
• they're basically saying if I come visit him, they won't be coming. Their reasoning is apparently it's more expensive to find a place for five people to stay than it is for four. They're wanting to travel to the coast, but he has an apartment where I could comfortably stay and they could stay at a hotel for THREE people which will be even cheaper.
  
• snooping through my bag to find my birth control, and so forth.
  
• I am obviously feeling unwanted and disliked by his family
  
• I'm now afraid he will break up with me because of his family.
  
• if he lets his family do this then it's saying that this type of behavior is acceptable or okay, and we both know that it not.
  

Do you think the above is a demonstration of how much you love someone? It sounds like he is not making the effort. If you could stay in his apartment solving the expense of his parents visiting, why is he not doing this? Why isn't he making maximum effort? In any give situation, I always ask myself uncomfortable questions and will always be honest. There is always a potential of a response not understanding because all we have is a snap shot of what you presented. As far as I'm concerned, everything is worth considering and thinking about. Edited October 30, 2015 by OnlyHonesty