addictedtoyoga Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 I'm not new to this forum, but due to the nature of this post I decided to create a new account. I'm looking for help because I have completely lost my sex drive and all interest in sex has gone. I know exactly why. Long story short, my husband and I have had sex issues for over 2 years. Mentally and emotionally, it has made me feel undesirable, anxious, and humiliated, and it looks like my body has finally caught up to my mind. I don't know what to do. This is what I emailed to a therapist just over a year ago: "My husband and I have been together for 3 years and just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. Although most areas of our marriage are great, I am deeply unsatisfied with our sex life. We maybe have sex once per week and it is always on Sunday mornings (as per him, I don't really like morning sex). No effort is made by him any other time and if I try to make a move on him, I get completely ignored. We have no foreplay and the whole thing is over in less than 5 minutes and we just get on with our day. This has been going on for over a year. I have tried to talk to him about it, I have completely broke down over it and nothing has changed. I really don't think he cares how much this is affecting our marriage and me personally. I feel as though if things get worse or don't improve, I can't stay in this marriage. As much as I love my husband and love our life together, I am extremely concerned that we are already in such trouble." Nothing has changed since then at all. Our sex life is awful, and for someone like me who has always been such a sexual person, I feel so crushed. He hasn't given me oral sex in over 3.5 years, we haven't tried any positions other than missionary in over a year, the last time we had sex at a time other than Sunday morning was about 7 months ago on vacation and it was the only time we did it in 2 weeks. It's not like I haven't tried, I have tried and tried and tried. Everything you can imagine, I've done it. But if it doesn't fit into his Sunday morning 5 min schedule and it's not how he wants it, it doesn't happen. He knows how I feel, I have told him so many times and tried so many different approaches. I cry in the shower almost every morning because of how this issue makes me feel, but it's like he doesn't care. He doesn't like to see me upset but he doesn't care enough to change anything. At one point, I moved into the spare room because even sleeping in the same bed and still nothing changed. Yesterday morning he tried to have sex with me but, nothing. I wasn't feeling it at all and just couldn't get there. His attempt at getting me in the mood was by sticking his hands down my pants and then complaining that I was dry. Sex is so important to me, it makes me feel connected to my partner and it's something that I have always needed. I fear that if we don't get this issue fixed our marriage will greatly suffer from it. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 Divorce & find a more compatible partner. Your husband has zero interest in changing. If you're going to stay for other reasons, then stop complaining & mark down that in the worse category. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 "My husband and I have been together for 3 years and just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. Although most areas of our marriage are great, I am deeply unsatisfied with our sex life. A little confused as to how you got to the altar with this guy. Were things different during courtship and engagement? If so, why and how? Also you mentioned your therapist but not MC. I'd hope you're demanding counseling with an emphasis on sexual dysfunction. Your husband has some issues that, if left unaddressed, will complete the destruction of your marriage. I'd give him a choice between therapy or separation... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author addictedtoyoga Posted October 19, 2015 Author Share Posted October 19, 2015 A little confused as to how you got to the altar with this guy. Were things different during courtship and engagement? If so, why and how? Also you mentioned your therapist but not MC. I'd hope you're demanding counseling with an emphasis on sexual dysfunction. Your husband has some issues that, if left unaddressed, will complete the destruction of your marriage. I'd give him a choice between therapy or separation... Mr. Lucky Things were very different until about a couple of months before we got married. We would have sex a few times a week back then, and he was always willing to try new things. I know exactly when things changed, a few months before the wedding we decided to try to get pregnant and that's when our sex life completely halted. We have since decided not to have kids, but our sex life has not improved. He says that has nothing to do with things and he has just gotten lazy and complacent but I don't know.. We have tried to go to MC, but we have complete opposite work and hobby schedules and the counselling that we were offered was never available to us. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 We have tried to go to MC, but we have complete opposite work and hobby schedules and the counselling that we were offered was never available to us. If you had a child in the ICU, would "complete opposite work and hobby schedules" keep you from being there for them ? This may come down to what's really important to the two of you... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Did one of you want kids and the other one not? Does one of you have fertility issues? Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 I'm not trying to be hypercritical so please don't take this comment too hard. You said work and hobby schedules preclude counseling. Work I can understand but hobbies? Does H know he's approaching the brink of divorce? If he does and doesn't care there's nothing for you to do except D or live with it. If he does care about his M then maybe he would be agreeable to skipping the hobby for awhile to try to salvage the marriage. Assuming of course that you still want to do so which seems likely in view of the fact that you are here. One more point. Was the "no kids" decision a mutual one or yours? That could be a hidden deal breaker. Link to post Share on other sites
Walters Posted October 20, 2015 Share Posted October 20, 2015 Typically, when one person is not fulfilling the need of the other person, the other person is also not getting their needs met. The classic example is man wants sex, woman wants affection, man gives affection and he gets sex. Neither of the two people are linking these two needs to getting what each other wants. Man stops giving affection, woman stops giving sex and they both end up asking why the other stop providing their needs. This is when the relationship normally ends because both sides feel the other person no longer cares. It becomes about them and until they get what they want they don’t have the urge to provide what the other wants. It’s not vindictive where one is saying “I won’t give sex because I don’t get affection”. It’s more like you no longer have the urge. Both side most likely have no idea why they don’t have the urge to give these things anymore. You say “he does not care”, “I tired talking to him but he does not take action”. My question is what have you stopped doing that makes him no longer want sex from you? Why does he not have a drive anymore? You said your body has caught up to your mind, does he no longer find you attractive? The only way to break the cycle is for one person to push to provide the need long enough to trigger the other person to respond. It’s also possible for both people to talk and listen to the other person talk about what they are not getting. You may be angry with what they say, but you both need to say OK and start doing what each other needs. I am not blaming any one side, whomever started it does not matter it just needs to be fixed. This is just an opinion to think about and it may not even be the case. Link to post Share on other sites
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