Do snitches deserve stitches?

[Horton]

Pardon the cheeky thread title, but I've been giving this some thought lately and I'm interested in hearing what other people have to say about it.

 

If you found out somebody was having an affair what would you do?

1. Keep it to yourself.

2. Expose the affair to the BS.

3. Expose the affair to others.

 

Would your decision depend on how well you know the BS?

1. The BS is a total stranger.

2. The BS is an acquaintance.

3. The BS is a close friend/family.

 

Is there any difference between what you would do and what you believe that you ought to do? Would it change your decision if the affair was no longer ongoing?

 

Keep in mind that the scenario I'm asking about is not an unsubstantiated rumor or gossip but a situation where the affair has been confirmed. Also since I know some folks always ask, I'm not seeking advice on a real life situation of mine so much as asking a 'moral conundrum' type of question.

 

Personally my natural instinct when confronted with secrets is generally to not wanna get involved, however my natural instincts are not necessarily morally righteous(perhaps the opposite more often than not.) Having said that, here's where I'm a bit of a hypocrite I suppose, cause I know for a fact that I would absolutely want to be told if I were the BS in such a scenario.

 

I wouldn't care who told me, a friend, a stranger or my worst enemy and even if they were only telling me to see the pain and humiliation on my face, even then I would still rather know than be left in the dark. So my innate desire to mind my own business is admittedly in contradiction to 'the golden rule' (do unto others as you'd have them do unto you) that I seek to follow. So I'm a bit on the fence as to what I would do, but not so much what I believe I should do if that makes any sense.

 

What are your thoughts? Also if this is on the wrong forum I apologize, it seemed too adultery specific for off topic discussion and too hypothetical for the infidelity forum, so please move to the proper forum if I'm mistaken.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I would mind my own business. I don't believe it is my place to reveal someone else's secrets to others. The only reason I would ever get involved in someone else's business would be if I thought that person was in physical danger...like if I knew my friends child was using drugs...but she did not know...I might tell her. But if I suspect her husband is fooling around...I would keep my mouth shut.

[Horton]

I would mind my own business. I don't believe it is my place to reveal someone else's secrets to others. The only reason I would ever get involved in someone else's business would be if I thought that person was in physical danger...like if I knew my friends child was using drugs...but she did not know...I might tell her. But if I suspect her husband is fooling around...I would keep my mouth shut.

 

Would it make a difference to you who the BS was. If it were your son or daughter being cheated on for example would you still keep it to yourself then? I don't think I physically could mind my own business if it were somebody close to me, but I know I could if it were just an acquaintance or a stranger(although I'm still not convinced that this wouldn't just be selfishness on my part.)

[autumnnight]

If I were a BS, I would inform the other BS.

 

If I were a child of the WS, I would inform my other parent.

 

If I were a sibling, I would probably inform.

 

If we were close IRL friends, I would likely give the WS a chance to come clean and/or offer to go with them to come clean, and then I might inform.

 

If I had never met the person, were only peripherally involved in their life, or just happened to work a couple of offices over, then no. It is not my place or my right to disclose, and, at least in my state, there is recourse to which the WS could avail themselves if I did, even if the allegation was true.

 

There is a small consortium online who think they are some sort of infidelity crusaders, who post cheaters on websites, anonymously inform people they have never met, etc. These people are not heroes.

 

Edited to add - a documented threat of disclosure would fall under harassment in many states.

[autumnnight]

Would it make a difference to you who the BS was. If it were your son or daughter being cheated on for example would you still keep it to yourself then? I don't think I physically could mind my own business if it were somebody close to me, but I know I could if it were just an acquaintance or a stranger(although I'm still not convinced that this wouldn't just be selfishness on my part.)

 

It wouldn't be selfishness. It would be rationality., Make no mistake, ratting out strangers is not something to be applauded. And it is not Biblical. No matter how we twist it.

 

However, if I was close to the person, then I would likely become involved. But I would also be willing to step up and support THROUGH the process. I wouldn't do some cowardly "spill the beans and run" routine.

[Horton]

If I were a BS, I would inform the other BS.

 

If I were a child of the WS, I would inform my other parent.

 

If I were a sibling, I would probably inform.

 

If we were close IRL friends, I would likely give the WS a chance to come clean and/or offer to go with them to come clean, and then I might inform.

 

If I had never met the person, were only peripherally involved in their life, or just happened to work a couple of offices over, then no. It is not my place or my right to disclose, and, at least in my state, there is recourse to which the WS could avail themselves if I did, even if the allegation was true.

 

There is a small consortium online who think they are some sort of infidelity crusaders, who post cheaters on websites, anonymously inform people they have never met, etc. These people are not heroes.

 

Edited to add - a documented threat of disclosure would fall under harassment in many states.

 

But would you want to be told if your spouse were cheating? If somebody told you would you be upset with them or grateful? As I said before I know I'd rather know than not know, but I'm aware that not everybody feels that way.

[autumnnight]

But would you want to be told if your spouse were cheating? If somebody told you would you be upset with them or grateful? As I said before I know I'd rather know than not know, but I'm aware that not everybody feels that way.

 

It isn't my job to decide what another stranger would want. It just isn't.

 

Now, I know my best friend since high school very well. I KNOW that she would want to know. So if her hubby cheated, I'd tell her.

 

But if jazzlover91 on relationshiprus.com was cheating....then no, it would NOT be my place to creepily stalk them and rat them out. In fact, it would be illegal enough in many places that even if jazzlover couldn't WIN a case against me, they could sure make my life a long and living hell trying.

[Horton]

It isn't my job to decide what another stranger would want. It just isn't.

 

Now, I know my best friend since high school very well. I KNOW that she would want to know. So if her hubby cheated, I'd tell her.

 

But if jazzlover91 on relationshiprus.com was cheating....then no, it would NOT be my place to creepily stalk them and rat them out. In fact, it would be illegal enough in many places that even if jazzlover couldn't WIN a case against me, they could sure make my life a long and living hell trying.

 

If you overheard somebody in a restaurant chatting about their affair and you spoke with their BS and told them about it. How the heck would you be charged with a criminal offense? That doesn't make sense to me.

[Mr. Lucky]

Keep in mind that the scenario I'm asking about is not an unsubstantiated rumor or gossip but a situation where the affair has been confirmed.

 

I'd guess that 99% of the time, the info available to an outsider is the former rather than the latter. Absent PDA's, even seeing two people together isn't proof of an affair.

 

I'm in my 60's and the only confirmation of affairs I've seen have come after-the-fact from BS's post DDay...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jen1447]

I'd only inform someone in cases where my personal interest (as in legitimate concern, not curiosity) was significant enough to justify it.

 

Forex- my good friend who relies on me to shoot straight with her and counts on me to have her back and who I've made a personal investment in that justifies my being concerned with the day-to-day particulars of her general well-being - yes. Her business is my business to a large degree.

 

Anyone who doesn't meet that standard, no. Their business isn't my business and any curiosity I might have doesn't justify my intruding in it. (Also ppl rarely really know all the sides to every story, and even less so with ppl you don't know particularly well or at all.)

[Horton]

It wouldn't be selfishness. It would be rationality., Make no mistake, ratting out strangers is not something to be applauded. And it is not Biblical. No matter how we twist it.

 

However, if I was close to the person, then I would likely become involved. But I would also be willing to step up and support THROUGH the process. I wouldn't do some cowardly "spill the beans and run" routine.

 

If it were a stranger or just an acquaintance it would be easy for me to keep it to myself, but if the BS was somebody I cared for like a close friend or a sibling then I don't think I could just stand there listening to their WS tell everybody how much they love the BS while their completely oblivious to the affair. So the part about 'my own selfishness' is really just examining my own motivations for not telling, out of sight out of mind type of thing.

[Horton]

I'd guess that 99% of the time, the info available to an outsider is the former rather than the latter. Absent PDA's, even seeing two people together isn't proof of an affair.

 

I'm in my 60's and the only confirmation of affairs I've seen have come after-the-fact from BS's post DDay...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Fair enough, but if you were certain, like you walked in on them in the act. What do you do then?

[jen1447]

If you overheard somebody in a restaurant chatting about their affair and you spoke with their BS and told them about it. How the heck would you be charged with a criminal offense? That doesn't make sense to me.

 

Not likely criminal but conceivably civil - e.g. you learn later that the two ppl you overheard were rehearsing for a play and after you told the BS about the 'affair' they killed themself, etc., etc.

[Horton]

I'd only inform someone in cases where my personal interest (as in legitimate concern, not curiosity) was significant enough to justify it.

 

Forex- my good friend who relies on me to shoot straight with her and counts on me to have her back and who I've made a personal investment in that justifies my being concerned with the day-to-day particulars of her general well-being - yes. Her business is my business to a large degree.

 

Anyone who doesn't meet that standard, no. Their business isn't my business and any curiosity I might have doesn't justify my intruding in it. (Also ppl rarely really know all the sides to every story, and even less so with ppl you don't know particularly well or at all.)

 

See I have the same natural inclination myself, but I wonder if that's the morally right thing to do since I would want to be told. Would you want to be told about an affair that your spouse was having?

[Horton]

Not likely criminal but conceivably civil - e.g. you learn later that the two ppl you overheard were rehearsing for a play and after you told the BS about the 'affair' they killed themself, etc., etc.

 

That makes sense I suppose. But I can't imagine most people finding out about their friend's affair or some guy they just met's affair are gonna be thinking legally in the moment though.

[jen1447]

See I have the same natural inclination myself, but I wonder if that's the morally right thing to do since I would want to be told. Would you want to be told about an affair that your spouse was having?

 

I'd want to know about any affairs (knowing is always better than not knowing - virtually no exceptions) but I wouldn't have some moral expectation that anybody would tell me except ppl who are as close as I described above. That's an unreasonable and unrealistic (and a bit weird) expectation to have of strangers or acquaintances. In fact, while I'd like to know, I'd also be offended on some level at the intrusion into my personal business by someone who's not morally entitled to that level of access.

 

The ends don't justify the means ....pragmatism is rarely justified.

[Horton]

I'd want to know about any affairs (knowing is always better than not knowing - virtually no exceptions) but I wouldn't have some moral expectation that anybody would tell me except ppl who are as close as I described above. That's an unreasonable and unrealistic (and a bit weird) expectation to have of strangers or acquaintances. In fact, while I'd like to know, I'd also be offended on some level at the intrusion into my personal business by someone who's not morally entitled to that level of access.

 

The ends don't justify the means ....pragmatism is rarely justified.

 

I definitely wouldn't be upset at a stranger or an acquaintance for not telling me either I'd absolutely get why they stayed out of it cause that's probably what I'd do myself in the moment, but I would be thankful for the truth regardless of how I found it. Which is why I wonder if my desire to not get involved is more about my own comfort than anything else. In the same way that it's easy to ignore poverty or crime halfway across the world or even in another part of the city that we don't go to, cause it's 'over there' and it doesn't affect me 'out of sight out of mind' like I said.

[autumnnight]

If you overheard somebody in a restaurant chatting about their affair and you spoke with their BS and told them about it. How the heck would you be charged with a criminal offense? That doesn't make sense to me.

 

Here's where it gets creepy. I'm Judy, and I hear two people a table over talking. I realize one of them is telling the other about her affair. Now, if these are people I do not know, then I have to wonder:

 

How do I know who this person is?

How do I know who she is married to?

How do I know how to contact said man?

 

In order to have the above information, I am going to have to resort to some activity regarding strangers that is, quite frankly, invasive and stalkerish. So yes, if I knock on the door and say, "My name is Judy, I heard this woman talking about cheating on her husband, so I found out her name, her husband's name, and her address, and I'm here to tell you your wife is cheating."

 

At this point I'm not so sure that I need a good citizenship award. I think what I need is some....help. Just like jazzlover91.....in order to get involved, I am going to have to do some weird stalkery things to be able to inform. That is quite a bit different than seeing my best friend holding hands with and kissing another man and informing her husband.

[Horton]

Here's where it gets creepy. I'm Judy, and I hear two people a table over talking. I realize one of them is telling the other about her affair. Now, if these are people I do not know, then I have to wonder:

 

How do I know who this person is?

How do I know who she is married to?

How do I know how to contact said man?

 

In order to have the above information, I am going to have to resort to some activity regarding strangers that is, quite frankly, invasive and stalkerish. So yes, if I knock on the door and say, "My name is Judy, I heard this woman talking about cheating on her husband, so I found out her name, her husband's name, and her address, and I'm here to tell you your wife is cheating."

 

At this point I'm not so sure that I need a good citizenship award. I think what I need is some....help. Just like jazzlover91.....in order to get involved, I am going to have to do some weird stalkery things to be able to inform. That is quite a bit different than seeing my best friend holding hands with and kissing another man and informing her husband.

 

Maybe my example wasn't very well thought out. How about the fairly recent case where a cheater was exposed due to two women sitting behind her at a baseball game seeing her sexting to her AP while her husband was out of his seat. She had her AP saved in her phone as a woman's name to throw her spouse off. The girls passed him a note telling him what they saw. I don't think that's so invasive, I might be upset in the moment but I'd thank them later after I had calmed down if I were him. Granted I believe they also talked about it online, so I probably wouldn't be super excited about that part of it, but the note would be a Godsend IMO.

[jen1447]

I definitely wouldn't be upset at a stranger or an acquaintance for not telling me either I'd absolutely get why they stayed out of it cause that's probably what I'd do myself in the moment, but I would be thankful for the truth regardless of how I found it. Which is why I wonder if my desire to not get involved is more about my own comfort than anything else. In the same way that it's easy to ignore poverty or crime halfway across the world or even in another part of the city that we don't go to, cause it's 'over there' and it doesn't affect me 'out of sight out of mind' like I said.

 

Devil's advocate - how would you feel about that person if you paid a PI $4,000 and an attorney $8,000, had a dozen late night accusations and arguments, changed all your bank accounts to separate, had heart-to-hearters with your kids, and then ended up discovering that your spouse isn't actually having an affair?

[Horton]

Devil's advocate - how would you feel about that person if you paid a PI $4,000 and an attorney $8,000, had a dozen late night accusations and arguments, changed all your bank accounts to separate, had heart-to-hearters with your kids, and then ended up discovering that your spouse isn't actually having an affair?

 

Well in fairness I did say that it would only be a case where there was an affair that had been substantiated and not just hearsay, but I don't think I could accurately answer this hypothetical since I would never go through all of that without undeniable proof of an affair having occurred.

[jen1447]

Well in fairness I did say that it would only be a case where there was an affair that had been substantiated and not just hearsay, but I don't think I could accurately answer this hypothetical since I would never go through all of that without undeniable proof of an affair having occurred.

 

You'd need the PI for proof, and PIs usually come from/with lawyers.

 

That illustrates the point tho - a person who doesn't know any of the principles can't really have incontrovertible proof. It's even tough for acquaintances.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Would it make a difference to you who the BS was. If it were your son or daughter being cheated on for example would you still keep it to yourself then? I don't think I physically could mind my own business if it were somebody close to me, but I know I could if it were just an acquaintance or a stranger(although I'm still not convinced that this wouldn't just be selfishness on my part.)

 

Well...I really don't know what I would do if it was one of my babies...now you are speaking another language and the mother bear comes out. I may not tell per say but I might try to manipulate the situation a little....god I hope I don't have to ever find out!

 

Let's take it down a notch...let's say..if it was a niece or a nephew...I would not tell them...

 

As a matter of fact years ago johns niece was messing around...we knew it because she was out with her boy toy and ran into a mutual friend who told us. We kept our mouths shut.

I don't think of it as selfishness on our part...I just think it isn't our call.

 

It is a difficult question to answer isn't it?

 

Edited to add...if anyone thinks they would be doing ma a favor by telling me that John is having an affair...think again.

 

Keep your mouth shut...I do not want to know.

Edited October 19, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams

[Horton]

Well...I really don't know what I would do if it was one of my babies...now you are speaking another language and the mother bear comes out. I may not tell per say but I might try to manipulate the situation a little....god I hope I don't have to ever find out!

 

Let's take it down a notch...let's say..if it was a niece or a nephew...I would not tell them...

 

As a matter of fact years ago johns niece was messing around...we knew it because she was out with her boy toy and ran into a mutual friend who told us. We kept our mouths shut.

I don't think of it as selfishness on our part...I just think it isn't our call.

 

It is a difficult question to answer isn't it?

 

Yes it is. What you said about the niece does bring up another aspect to this. If I were being cheated on and somebody that wasn't close to me (like a cousin I only see once a year) didn't tell me, I wouldn't be too upset and our relationship would still be as nonexistent as it ever was. But if somebody close to me kept it to themselves, I have to admit I would probably be tempted to cut that person out of my life as much as I could. Especially if they didn't pressure my spouse to come clean.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I guess I just don't see what good can come of invading someone else's privacy.

But then there are a lot of things I don't understand.

 

I think my nature is to be too trusting...my nature is to be too compassionate especially to the underdog...and I guess it is really hard for me to throw stones at others since I have committed adultery myself.

 

I try very hard to be non judgmental about others...I try to give others the benefit of the doubt.

 

So it kind of makes sense why I would keep my mouth shut. It isn't up to me to make that judgement for someone else.