Do snitches deserve stitches?

[Horton]

I do wonder if how we view adultery plays a large part in how we view exposure. Personally I see an affair as an act of abuse against a BS, so my line of thinking is more akin to viewing it that way. Now obviously an affair is not the same as the immediate danger of somebody being physically abusive to their spouse, but to me it does share many of the same traits of emotional abuse which is not much better IMO.

 

Plus there are physical aspects as well, what with the potential of spreading STD's and in the cases of female adultery there's always the possibility of paternity fraud. I hate the idea that some woman might get HPV which can lead to cervical cancer or that some man could wind up being fooled into raising somebody else's child just because I kept my mouth shut. Those are somewhat extreme examples(though not as much as people imagine.) I don't know how I would take that, but my gut tells me that I would feel very guilty like I took part in the suffering of an innocent person.

[autumnnight]

I do wonder if how we view adultery plays a large part in how we view exposure. Personally I see an affair as an act of abuse against a BS, so my line of thinking is more akin to viewing it that way. Now obviously an affair is not the same as the immediate danger of somebody being physically abusive to their spouse, but to me it does share many of the same traits of emotional abuse which is not much better IMO.

 

Plus there are physical aspects as well, what with the potential of spreading STD's and in the cases of female adultery there's always the possibility of paternity fraud. I hate the idea that some woman might get HPV which can lead to cervical cancer or that some man could wind up being fooled into raising somebody else's child just because I kept my mouth shut. Those are somewhat extreme examples(though not as much as people imagine.) I don't know how I would take that, but my gut tells me that I would feel very guilty like I took part in the suffering of an innocent person.

 

This all sounds good, but personally, I think that is the kind of things people tell themselves when they are determined to insert themselves into a stranger's life.

 

A family member? I can buy that.

 

A stranger? Someone hundreds or thousands of miles away whom they have never met? No, that is not about "stopping abuse." That is about a vindictive agenda, plain and simple.

 

Here is how I view adultery: It is a sin. It is wrong. It is never justified.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I do wonder if how we view adultery plays a large part in how we view exposure. Personally I see an affair as an act of abuse against a BS, so my line of thinking is more akin to viewing it that way. Now obviously an affair is not the same as the immediate danger of somebody being physically abusive to their spouse, but to me it does share many of the same traits of emotional abuse which is not much better IMO.

 

Plus there are physical aspects as well, what with the potential of spreading STD's and in the cases of female adultery there's always the possibility of paternity fraud. I hate the idea that some woman might get HPV which can lead to cervical cancer or that some man could wind up being fooled into raising somebody else's child just because I kept my mouth shut. Those are somewhat extreme examples(though not as much as people imagine.) I don't know how I would take that, but my gut tells me that I would feel very guilty like I took part in the suffering of an innocent person.

 

I also see an affair as an act of abuse against a BS...and i agree it certainly is equivalent to emotional abuse.....

and there is of course always the possibility of STD's, paternity fraud, cervical cancer...etc.....and I knew it would not be far into this conversation until this was all brought up. I agree with everything you pointed out. You are right.

 

My dearest friend's husband is probably an alcoholic...but who am i to point that out to her....I am sure She probably already knows it...but I am not going to be the one to say...you know sweetie...your husband is a drunk.

 

So while there are certainly all kinds of dangers in everyday life and risks we all may take that endanger others....there are just somethings and some areas we need to mind our own business.

 

Like i said...if someone feels obligated to tell me my husband is having an affair...keep your mouth shut....I don't want to know...and I cannot think that i am the only person in the world who feels this way.

 

So Horton...if you are my best friend...even though i know you mean well....and i love you for it...mind your own business please.

[road]

I guess the jails should be empty because people view testifying as snitching.

 

 

So all the people that are anti snitching then would not even someone to come forth for them and say they did not cause the auto accident.

 

 

Also to those that pointed out how they did not tell I have to ask this question.

 

 

Have you not read through the years where many a BS cut out of the BS's life all the friends and relatives that knew about the affair but never told them?

 

 

How would that impact you?

 

 

Say you saw a nephew/niece, cousin, aunt, uncle, whatever relative cheating and you refused to tell their BS.

 

 

The BS finds out and they now cut you out of their lives. So now a lot of invitations for holidays, birthdays, 50th wedding anniversaries, will never be given to you. How is this going to impact you?

[Mrs. John Adams]

i cannot imagine someone would cut you out of their lives for not telling them...because how would they ever know you knew??????

 

Keeping your mouth shut...means keeping your mouth shut

 

I would never tell someone...oh yes i knew but i didn't tell you. That would be kind of dumb.

 

There is a big difference in pulling over to testify for a car accident....and telling someone that their spouse is cheating....

[sandylee1]

If the BS were someone close to me, I'd definitely tell them. Some years ago, I and a group of friends told another more distant friend her H was cheating, but she preferred to deny it and said she'd only believe if she caught him in bed with an OW. Well once he'd used her for the insurance money from an accident...he left her. What a fool she was.

 

I think that now...as long as I knew the BS in some capacity, I'd let them know anonymously. I don't like getting caught up in other people's drama.

[TX-SC]

If this is someone I know, I would let them know in no uncertain terms that what they are doing is wrong and then I would distance myself from the situation/person. If we were friends, we would no longer be friends. If it was a family member, I'd rip them a new a-hole and then distance myself from them to the extent possible. If the person was a stranger I stay out of it.

 

If the BS is a friend or family member, I would tell them. If it is a stranger, again, I stay out of it.

[road]

i cannot imagine someone would cut you out of their lives for not telling them...because how would they ever know you knew??????

 

Keeping your mouth shut...means keeping your mouth shut

 

I would never tell someone...oh yes i knew but i didn't tell you. That would be kind of dumb.

 

There is a big difference in pulling over to testify for a car accident....and telling someone that their spouse is cheating....

 

 

When the BS asked the WS who knew about the affair, and the WS tells the BS.

[todreaminblue]

if it were someone i knew well and was close to me that means i would know the person cheating pretty well too and they would also be close to me..... i would talk to them and ask them to come clean with their partner.......to sort it out one way or another.......so i would give them a chance to sort out their own relationship without me involved...........i would suggest that the person seek counselling and would let them know if they didnt say something...i would have to......and i would tell them why i would have to......deb

[Mrs. John Adams]

and how would they know you know?

 

You are assuming that i would say something to the betrayer....i would not say anything to either partner.

 

So you are assuming the betrayer knows i know.....

 

This whole thread is speculation...and it is asking...what would you do?

 

Because i would not tell is not a wrong answer...and because you would tell is not a wrong answer either.

 

I have to sleep with myself at the end of the day....and i would not tell.

[autumnnight]

When the BS asked the WS who knew about the affair, and the WS tells the BS.

 

This would be the case if my best friend Suzy new or my brother Joe knew.

 

That makes sense to me, and if my brother or best friend was cheating, I'd get involved.

 

What would be weird and creepy would be if, for example, you posted about cheating, and I went to the trouble to find out who you were, where you lived, how to contact your family, and that rat YOU out....that is just plain creepy and...weird.

[jen1447]

^ Also awkward when you find out they're swingers or sth and it was all cool, bc by default someone who doesn't actually know the principles has to make assumptions, and those assumptions may be unwarranted.

[Horton]

This would be the case if my best friend Suzy new or my brother Joe knew.

 

That makes sense to me, and if my brother or best friend was cheating, I'd get involved.

 

What would be weird and creepy would be if, for example, you posted about cheating, and I went to the trouble to find out who you were, where you lived, how to contact your family, and that rat YOU out....that is just plain creepy and...weird.

 

Yeah that'd be a little much in my view as well, but you're only focusing on the most extreme examples you can think of while completely ignoring everything else. That's a straw man argument, nobody's saying to do a background check on somebody and then call up their family and harass them, that's just silliness. I'm talking about in the moment situations like I brought up before with the overhearing a conversation in a restaurant and letting the BS know. I'll re post my second example for clarity.

 

Maybe my example wasn't very well thought out. How about the fairly recent case where a cheater was exposed due to two women sitting behind her at a baseball game seeing her sexting to her AP while her husband was out of his seat. She had her AP saved in her phone as a woman's name to throw her spouse off. The girls passed him a note telling him what they saw. I don't think that's so invasive, I might be upset in the moment but I'd thank them later after I had calmed down if I were him. Granted I believe they also talked about it online, so I probably wouldn't be super excited about that part of it, but the note would be a Godsend IMO.

 

If a person could honestly read that scenario and think those women deserve scorn or even crazier a lawsuit just for handing that poor bastard a note, well that's just flat out absurd to me. That's not practicing biblical morality that's practicing cosa nostra(mafia) morality. And I suspect that nobody who would judge those women for exposing that adulteress would ever hold non adultery exposure to the same standard.

 

I don't believe for one second they would oppose people exposing an abusive husband to protect his battered wife or a parishioner pocketing money from the church collection plate to protect the congregation. People will claim it's because what they're doing is illegal and adultery isn't, but they'd feel the same exact way if those acts were legal, they support them being exposed cause they feel empathy for those who are being wronged and they wouldn't waste an ounce of sympathy on the people who wronged them.

 

But change the scenario to adultery and suddenly everybody acts like, 'Whoa that's nobody's business.' Which is why I brought up the question about how we view adultery affecting how we view exposure. If adultery is not that big of a deal then yeah who cares if the BS knows or not? But if it's an act of abuse then why is it so different than every other abusive act?

 

That's what I don't get, it's like there's this bizarre disconnect with normally rational people where they understand something just fine until the moment they realize 'Oh wait this could affect me too!' and suddenly the exposure they supported two seconds ago is now this horrible thing that's completely unacceptable in a civilized society. Maybe I'm just in the minority, but I find this legitimately perplexing.

[eye of the storm]

If I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I was friends/family with the BS, I would tell.

 

After I found out about my now ExH sleeping with my now Ex best friend. I also found out that the most of our "friends" knew about the A and never told me. Some of them even provided alibis. I am polite but cold whenever I have to speak to these now Ex friends.

 

The only people I am still friends with from that time period are people I know beyond a shadow of a doubt did not know.

 

Knowing that I was surrounded by people who knew, people who watched me being lied to, people who sat back and allowed me to be played for a fool...it is still one of the things I have the hardest time getting over from that time period. It is like being surrounded by cannibals (but not knowing they are cannibals) and being happy for the invitation to dinner. They know they are going to be feasting on your bones but you think you are surrounded by love and friendship.

 

Ms. Adams, on this case you might be naive. If the BS is the type to start digging (like I was) they will find out who knew. They will start adding locations/dates/times together and will have a map drawn. Only a couple of the crueler ones actually told me they knew when confronted. The rest, I had to figure out on my own.

 

One mom told me after she heard about it, came up to me and said that she thought they had been too "friendly" and it made her uncomfortable but she thought since we were friends that there was no way. She actually apologized for not telling me. But she wasn't sure and didn't want to spread rumors. We are still friends.

 

The others...I am happier they are no longer in my life. Who needs enemies at their back.

[Horton]

Knowing that I was surrounded by people who knew, people who watched me being lied to, people who sat back and allowed me to be played for a fool...it is still one of the things I have the hardest time getting over from that time period. It is like being surrounded by cannibals (but not knowing they are cannibals) and being happy for the invitation to dinner. They know they are going to be feasting on your bones but you think you are surrounded by love and friendship.

 

I just can't even fathom doing that, sitting down with a couple and breaking bread with them when you know that one of them is cheating and the other is oblivious to what's going on. I can comprehend people being afraid to speak up even though they should, maybe they're afraid of not being believed or they think telling the truth would lead to the breaking up of the family and they think they might get blamed in some way, but wouldn't you at least distance yourself from the cheater and their spouse if you were in their shoes? How the heck can a person just carry on like everything's normal?

[Mrs. John Adams]

If I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt. And I was friends/family with the BS, I would tell.

 

After I found out about my now ExH sleeping with my now Ex best friend. I also found out that the most of our "friends" knew about the A and never told me. Some of them even provided alibis. I am polite but cold whenever I have to speak to these now Ex friends.

 

The only people I am still friends with from that time period are people I know beyond a shadow of a doubt did not know.

 

Knowing that I was surrounded by people who knew, people who watched me being lied to, people who sat back and allowed me to be played for a fool...it is still one of the things I have the hardest time getting over from that time period. It is like being surrounded by cannibals (but not knowing they are cannibals) and being happy for the invitation to dinner. They know they are going to be feasting on your bones but you think you are surrounded by love and friendship.

 

Ms. Adams, on this case you might be naive. If the BS is the type to start digging (like I was) they will find out who knew. They will start adding locations/dates/times together and will have a map drawn. Only a couple of the crueler ones actually told me they knew when confronted. The rest, I had to figure out on my own.

 

One mom told me after she heard about it, came up to me and said that she thought they had been too "friendly" and it made her uncomfortable but she thought since we were friends that there was no way. She actually apologized for not telling me. But she wasn't sure and didn't want to spread rumors. We are still friends.

 

The others...I am happier they are no longer in my life. Who needs enemies at their back.

 

I hear what you are saying...let me clarify something.

We live a very quiet life. We rarely....socialize with anyone but family. We keep to ourselves.

 

If we were in a restaurant ..and I ran into say an old friends husband with another woman...I don't know enough to know whether it is a business date...a swinger date...a sex date...whatever.

 

And if later she asked me ...George said he saw you at McDonald's ...I would say oh I think I did see him. End of conversation. If she then says well he was with a woman why didn't you tell me...I would explain what I just said..I thought it was a business lunch. If she proceeds to get angry with me....then it is her problem and not mine.

[Revolver]

The best piece advice my mom told me was to mind my damn business

 

Also FYI, "snitches" are people who cooperate with the government to get no time or softer deals.

[autumnnight]

If I knew that my best friend's husband was cheating on her, I would tell her. I would also be prepared to support her through her choices, offer her a guest room if she left for awhile, pray for her, talk with her face to face, and even be her "wingwoman" to confront her hubby if needed.

 

If I found out my best friend was cheating on her husband, I would try to talk sense into her, I would urge her to come clean. I would likely even say to her, "You have X amount of time to decide what to do. After that I am not sure I will keep your 'secret.'" But again, I wouldn't just wait, dump info on her hubby, shout "gotcha!" and disappear. I would be a support, offer to be with her when she confesses, offer her a guest room if he kicks her out, etc.

 

As far as the jumbo tron thing goes.....yeah...a whole stadium full of real live people saw that. I don't think the real live person sitting behind them passing a note is a big deal.

 

However, in most cases, I do not see someone who dumps info anonymously and runs to be a hero. I see them as someone with an agenda.

 

And Horton, you said I was using extreme examples. Sadly, there really ARE people who are sad enough to track down strangers that way. I know it seems ridiculous, but they do exist.

[SammySammy]

I've never told.

 

Knew of husbands cheating on wives. Never told. Knew of wives cheating on husbands. Stayed out of it.

 

One of my friends asked to crash at my place while I was at work. His wife had kicked him out. Unbeknownst to me, he brought another woman to my place. I found out after I got off work. I was pissed, but didn't tel the wife. She and her friends hated me for the longest after that because they thought I knew.

 

I never felt that I should get involved in adult relationships unless there was an immediate threat of serious bodily harm. Infidelity ... none of my business.

[WonderKid]

Yes and no. If it were my sister I'd tell. Because she'd know I wouldn't make up something like that. In many cases if you told the person they are being cheated on: they can either not listen, or confront them about it, or in some cases get caught red-handed and STILL end up staying with the person.

 

It's not necessarily called being a snitch. A snitch is someone who was doing the crime also, but will tell on everyone else to save their own ass.

[eye of the storm]

Ms. Adams, Seeing 2 people in a restaurant. I agree, that means nothing. Could have been innocent.

 

And I am willing to admit that a few of the people I cut out of my life may have just suspected but not known. Thats ok. I know for a fact that nobody in my life now knew, and that was my goal.

[Mrs. John Adams]

There are just certain times in life when we need to mind our own business. We might mistake someone is having an affair and they are not.

 

Why is it my obligation to stick my nose in someone else's business?

 

This really ha nothing to do with the fact that I am a fww...I felt the same way before my affair.

 

I would be supportive to a friend who's husband cheated on her....but I certainly would not be the one to tell her that he did it.

 

And I would not want her to tell me.....if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

If they cut me out of their life...I probably was not that important to them in the first place.

 

We all do what we have to do....and we all make the best decisions for us.

[autumnnight]

Why is it my obligation to stick my nose in someone else's business?

 

I think this is the thing that bothers me the most. I have seen children of cheaters berated because they would not take up the cause and expose on the betrayed parent's behalf. I have seen adult children twisted into guilt trip pretzels because they wanted both their parents at an important event, and the BS wasn't going if the WS was there. I have seen slightly unhinged BS's post details of a complete stranger's spouse's AP online.

 

There is nothing honorable about any of the above. It is manipulative, invasive, and quite frankly a bit disturbing.

 

If I have personal knowledge of an IRL close person being hurt, I WOULD probably be involved somehow. But as for the rest.....no.

 

about a dozen years into my marriage, I was confiding some of my loneliness and pain and questions to one of my dear friends, whose husband happened to be in college at the same time as my husband. She started to cry and told me that when I was engaged she and her husband had talked about some concerns regarding my fiance's "orientation," and she had agonized over whether to tell me, but I seemed so happy, she had kept her mouth shut.

 

I didn't cut her out of my life. It wasn't her place to inform me of my husband's leanings. It was my husband's job to know better than to drag a wife into his confusion.