To reveal a secret?

[Joli]

One of my friends told me some nasty things concerning my boyfriend, which he heard from his friend. My boyfriend does not have an excellent reputation at his workplace, but I do not believe that what I heard about him is relevant to our relationship. My boyfriend himself confessed many detailes from his past, because he believes in openess between us. I reapeated the nasty things I heard about him and he tried to make me reveal the name of the person from whom they came out, so he can confront, as he says, the liar. I have a little problem, because I promised my friend to keep names in secret. I also believe in protecting secret, except a couple of instances, in which they could be revealed. My boyfriend is very upset with me and together with his friend, is pressuring me to tell the secret. What should I do under these circumstances? The issue upset me very much and I did not find a good solution. I will do what you guys will advise me, since I have nobody to turn in with this problem. Thanks.

[Tony T]

All your life you will have other people try to stir up crap in your life. You made a major mistake even repeating this stuff to anybody. Why in heaven's name did you have to run to your boyfriend with this? And you HAD to know he would insist on knowing where it came from.

 

Ok, so now we have to deal with this problem. You really have no choice...if you want to keep peace in your relationship...you have to name your source, as juvenile as all this is.

 

First, you have to get a very firm committment from your boyfriend that if you reveal the name he will use all possible tact with this friend in confronting him and handling the matter. There are actually ways your boyfriend can deal with this without getting you involved if he has any brains and/or skill. There are ways of approaching this big mouthed friend of yours and getting this all straightened out without involving you at all. Make sure you have a promise from him to do this.

 

Then give him the name and face the consequences.

 

Now, your boyfriend could have reacted this way for your benefit and much of the stuff could be true. But let's give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

I think if your own boyfriend was a bit more mature, he would have no need to deal with this. Rumors are far better left to die. A rumor monger who is upset can spread even worse stuff.

 

When you have a friend who is giving you intelligence information...whether it's right or wrong...you need to keep both the information and the source PRIVATE. This is something you're just going to have to learn. I have NEVER understood why people can't just go about their lives and keep their mouths SHUT.

 

I hope this will teach you what happens when you pass garbage around. You may lose this friend in the end. If his intentions were just to pass this information along to you for your benefit and his intentions were good, I suppose he is a real friend. But I don't think a REAL friend would pass around garbage rumors about your boyfriend to you just for conversation.

 

Get all this out in the open, face the consequences, apologize to your friend if you determine he is a real friend, and move on. The next time you have to blab stupid stuff like this, give some thought to the consequences first. And start honoring what is told to you in confidence. Honor your sources. People will like you a lot more and share a lot more with you and you will avoid situations like this.

 

By the way, there's a good possibility that this "friend" of yours could be passing this crap to you in order to effect a break-up between you and your boyfriend so he can move in. Maybe he has something for you that you don't know about. Can't say for sure...just a possiblity.

 

I can say that this is the kind of stuff that happens in junior high school...not with grownups.

[Jane]

Best not to promise to keep these sorts of secrets - they do backfire as I have learnt.

 

If someones asks you to keep a secret about a significant other then I think this is dysfunctional behaviour from that person.

 

I can imagine the burden you are carrying around.

 

Your friend was wrong by putting this "load" on you, tell him I said so. As I wrote previously if the info is really bad then worry. Like Child Molestation or other issue that affects you deeply.

 

A persons past is exactly that - PAST. Unless he is a Time Lord. Noone has the power to change the past. Present behaviour etc ought to be your focus... If the history is ghastly I would worry a bit.

 

Funny how people like to scapegoat others to relieve them of their own stuff - reputation in workplace - this label is likely to stay fixed - but this is the mentality of much of the human race.

 

Look at yourself before judging others is my motto for this month. Your friend may even have personal issues with him? Or maybe he is trying to win you? Info heard by a friend through a friend is crap - can you ask the friend of the friend? I am wary of people who criticise others - especially when it is a common behaviour.... they usually start on you at some stage.

 

One thing - DROP THE BURDEN - OK????

 

One of my friends told me some nasty things concerning my boyfriend, which he heard from his friend. My boyfriend does not have an excellent reputation at his workplace, but I do not believe that what I heard about him is relevant to our relationship. My boyfriend himself confessed many detailes from his past, because he believes in openess between us. I reapeated the nasty things I heard about him and he tried to make me reveal the name of the person from whom they came out, so he can confront, as he says, the liar. I have a little problem, because I promised my friend to keep names in secret. I also believe in protecting secret, except a couple of instances, in which they could be revealed. My boyfriend is very upset with me and together with his friend, is pressuring me to tell the secret. What should I do under these circumstances? The issue upset me very much and I did not find a good solution. I will do what you guys will advise me, since I have nobody to turn in with this problem. Thanks.

[Joli]

Thank you guys so much. I needed objective points of view on that matter. I am going to provide the source of the information and deal with the consequences. You are right that the friend who told me those nasty things about my boyfriend may have an alternative motive and his concerns were not that sincere after all. Thanks again.

One of my friends told me some nasty things concerning my boyfriend, which he heard from his friend. My boyfriend does not have an excellent reputation at his workplace, but I do not believe that what I heard about him is relevant to our relationship. My boyfriend himself confessed many detailes from his past, because he believes in openess between us. I reapeated the nasty things I heard about him and he tried to make me reveal the name of the person from whom they came out, so he can confront, as he says, the liar. I have a little problem, because I promised my friend to keep names in secret. I also believe in protecting secret, except a couple of instances, in which they could be revealed. My boyfriend is very upset with me and together with his friend, is pressuring me to tell the secret. What should I do under these circumstances? The issue upset me very much and I did not find a good solution. I will do what you guys will advise me, since I have nobody to turn in with this problem. Thanks.

[Ed]

One of the most important lessons anyone can learn in life is: If you don't EVER want something to be repeated, then don't tell anybody! Anytime you tell anybody anything, it is subject to be repeated. Always remember that.

 

Chances are, the person that gave your friend this information, told your friend not to tell anybody else. But, guess what? They told you! And the story goes on...most likely being changed every time it is retold.

 

If someone comes up to me and says, "I have something I want to tell you, but only if you don't tell anybody else" --- I put on the brakes real fast. I simply cannot make a commitment of silence about something unless I know what it is they are going to tell me, which defeats the purpose!!!

 

If someone trusts me enough to tell me something in confidence, then they must trust that I will use my best judgment as to whether or not it should be repeated. IF I CANNOT BE TRUSTED TO THIS EXTENT, THEN I DON'T NEED TO KNOW THIS INFORMATION! And neither do you!

 

No matter what you told your friend when they approached you with this information, you must now use your best judgment on how to deal with this situation. In the future, I hope you will use the above advice so you will not be in this predicament again.