How to get over affair and move on together

[sunshine0274]

My boyfriend cheated on me a year ago with a girl he dated back in college. He had come home from a military deployment and wasn't himself and started being out all day and night, drinking a lot, and not being very attentive to me and our small daughter who is now 16 months old. I was suspicious and looked through some of his personal effects and discovered his infidelity. I kicked him out of our house and he continued his affair with this girl who is also married and who was apparently planning on leaving her husband for my boyfriend.

 

 

Long story short, as difficult as it was to watch this all unfold, we remained as cordial as possible for our daughter and even went on a family vacation that was planned prior to the affair. It was an opportunity for his extended family to meet our daughter and occurred 2 months after I asked him to leave. Sometime during that vacation, something changed in him and while he didn't tell me at the time, he said that seeing me and our daughter with his family made something in him click and he realized that he was really messing up. He saw the other girl for a few more months before coming clean to me about everything and communicating with me how he felt about me and our little family. He stopped talking to the other girl very abruptly, unfriended her on Facebook, not really even giving her an explanation or officially dumping her and he and I got back together.

 

 

It has not been easy to move on and forgive him and it's even more challenging now because he is away again and I am not able to interact beyond e-mails and Facetime through Facebook. We talk every day, multiple times a day and he calls twice a week on weekends.

 

 

The issue is, I still get this gut feeling every so often that this other girl is still around in some fashion- not physically, but that they are still communicating. I have no solid proof, though I did tell him how I felt and he admitted that she has reached out to him numerous times, but that he has not responded to her. Everything about our relationship has been different and better than before the affair in that we communicate more, we talk about our feelings and make plans for our future and he tells me all the time that he loves me and is committed. He never said those things before.

 

 

So, what is my issue? I can't figure out how to trust again. Case in point...he told me he has to go back to work, yet I see that he is on Facebook, active right now and my mind goes right to the negative- like he is maybe talking to her.

 

 

We both acknowledged that we don't NEED to be together to be good parents to our daughter, but that this is a choice made and it was truly made by him when he came back. I didn't push for anything, though secretly wanted my family and all the bad stuff to go away,

 

 

So...what do I do to put the past behind me/us and move on without feeling so untrusting?

[Jersey born raised]

The question is what is he doing to help you heal. Not what you asked, but what he does to try to understand you. Hand in hand with that dies he understand your pain and loss the way you understand his pstd.

[sunshine0274]

Hmmm..good question. I know that he acknowledges my pain and is regretful, but does he understand it? I doubt it. Unless he had it done to him, I don't think he could ever really "get it". We talk about it when times come up and when we discuss the future. I want to move on really badly and not have the weight of the past on us, but it's certainly not easy. Besides, he is the kind of person that once he has made up his mind about something, he is able to move on and not look back. It's no longer an issue for him. Once things are done, they are done. So, his affair is done, therefore, he doesn't need to revisit it. He is done with the other woman (so he says). So, he doesn't need to tell her its over. He feels content with her figuring it out by him allegedly ignoring him.

[Lion Heart]

My boyfriend cheated on me a year ago with a girl he dated back in college. He had come home from a military deployment and wasn't himself and started being out all day and night, drinking a lot, and not being very attentive to me and our small daughter who is now 16 months old. I was suspicious and looked through some of his personal effects and discovered his infidelity. I kicked him out of our house and he continued his affair with this girl who is also married and who was apparently planning on leaving her husband for my boyfriend.

 

 

Long story short, as difficult as it was to watch this all unfold, we remained as cordial as possible for our daughter and even went on a family vacation that was planned prior to the affair. It was an opportunity for his extended family to meet our daughter and occurred 2 months after I asked him to leave. Sometime during that vacation, something changed in him and while he didn't tell me at the time, he said that seeing me and our daughter with his family made something in him click and he realized that he was really messing up. He saw the other girl for a few more months before coming clean to me about everything and communicating with me how he felt about me and our little family. He stopped talking to the other girl very abruptly, unfriended her on Facebook, not really even giving her an explanation or officially dumping her and he and I got back together.

 

 

It has not been easy to move on and forgive him and it's even more challenging now because he is away again and I am not able to interact beyond e-mails and Facetime through Facebook. We talk every day, multiple times a day and he calls twice a week on weekends.

 

 

The issue is, I still get this gut feeling every so often that this other girl is still around in some fashion- not physically, but that they are still communicating. I have no solid proof, though I did tell him how I felt and he admitted that she has reached out to him numerous times, but that he has not responded to her. Everything about our relationship has been different and better than before the affair in that we communicate more, we talk about our feelings and make plans for our future and he tells me all the time that he loves me and is committed. He never said those things before.

 

 

So, what is my issue? I can't figure out how to trust again. Case in point...he told me he has to go back to work, yet I see that he is on Facebook, active right now and my mind goes right to the negative- like he is maybe talking to her.

 

 

We both acknowledged that we don't NEED to be together to be good parents to our daughter, but that this is a choice made and it was truly made by him when he came back. I didn't push for anything, though secretly wanted my family and all the bad stuff to go away,

 

 

So...what do I do to put the past behind me/us and move on without feeling so untrusting?

 

Dear sunshine

 

I just popped over to this section and read your thread starter. Yours is a story of reconciliation after infidelity.

If you had posted this in the "infidelity" section, I'd expect you'd get WAY more "traffic" with LS Members who have been there and DONE that!

 

Me for one.

If you would like to have it moved, I believe you can.

Or maybe you can copy and paste your thread starter or a different question / thread into that section.

 

For what it's worth, your unfaithful bf has shown he can't be trusted. I wouldn't trust him or any other partner 100%. It's our own trust in them that kept us blindsided. Eyes open girlfriend!

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[drseuss]

In blunt terms , your rs will never ever be the same again ! But that doesn't mean it can't be good , I exspect that the fact you have a child together is a huge factor in this and thatvis understandable

 

Gut feelings are important to follow and rember that things don't a Kentmere to mend if that's what you really want , ask yourself how happy you are with him going away and you having to feel like you do amd is there a way you can resolve those negative feeling

[ShatteredLady]

Does HER husband know about the affair?

In my experience Ex's have a tendency to over romanticize things...my H & his ex OW went from mail 1. "Hi..." too mail 2. "let's remember all the good stuff & magnify it through rose tinted glasses". Reality killed it stone dead! They're ex's for a reason.

 

Seeing you as his family. Focusing on YOU quickly made him see things in a different way but my fear would be 'What happens if she keeps reaching out (my H's OW did for YEARS) & one day she catches him at a low moment? She needs to be blocked.

 

It's completely normal for a cheating partner...normal for people in general...to want to completely forget about bad, guilty things they've done as fast as possible. The problem in your situation is ignoring her could be keeping her hanging.

 

I think he needs to face what he's done. He should write her a simple closure email. He should handle the pain & betrayal he's inflicted on you. Basically he needs to face the consequences/reality of what he's done before you can move on & try to heal as a couple, if that's what you want at this point.

 

Remember HE betrayed YOU. He should be doing the work. Please remember that you can change your mind at any time. I felt like I had to decide straight away what I wanted. I found it all so overwhelming. It's your life. You've been though a devastating experience. Take all the TIME you need to process what's happened & decide what's right for you & your baby. If you can forgive or trust again. It took me too long to realize that.