Jealousy and paranoia regarding locked phone/computer

[JealousAndInsecure]

I keep irritating my live in girlfriend with bouts of paranoia and jealousy. An ongoing theme has been my fixation on her phone and computer. She is quite protective of both and keeps them locked at all times. She doesn't want to share the password/passcodes to either. I have given her access to my computers, phones, and tablets because I simply don't care or have anything to hide. I volunteered to do this. She did not request it.

 

I've expressed mistrust over her very proactive protectiveness of her phone and computer. If she's going to put them down or walk away (in the home), they get locked. She does use them to communicate with various guy friends including ex-lovers and boyfriends. She is open about this and does not try to hide it. However, I am not allowed to see these conversations. She has no further sexual relations with them, but they are an important part of her life.

 

I am mistrustful of the situation and my paranoid mind immediately goes to her trying to hide something. Her view is that her phone, computer, and conversations with friends are her business and she has no obligation to reciprocate the open devices policy or share them with me. I agree that it's not an obligation, but it still leaves me feeling like it's a bit sketchy.

 

That's it in a nutshell. I'm just curious how many here might think I'm in the wrong for feeling that something is likely being hidden from me.

[mystikmind2005]

I think she has you bluffed.

 

What i suggest you do on this forum, turn it around and say you are the guy wanting to keep your privacy and talk to ex lovers and see what kind of response you get.....

 

well, i think you can anticipate quite easily the response, you have your answer.

[PegNosePete]

I think you very much have grave cause for concern here. Someone who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. But your GF is going to extra-ordinary lengths to hide things from you. Why would she do that if everything is innocent? I would bet my bottom dollar that if you knew what she was saying to these guys, you would not be happy.

 

If I were you, I'd tell her that you are not prepared to be in a relationship with someone who keeps secrets, especially secret conversations with ex-lovers. That is wholly unacceptable behaviour for someone in a committed relationship, and if the relationship is to continue, that behaviour must end right now. Ask her to show you her phone and computer right now (no "just going to the bathroom first" because all evidence will surely get deleted). If she refuses or starts blame-shifting (ie. calling you jealous, insecure, paranoid, untrusting etc) then I would end the relationship then and there.

[salparadise]

I think you very much have grave cause for concern here. Someone who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. But your GF is going to extra-ordinary lengths to hide things from you.

 

 

Oh I don't know about that. I use passcodes on both my phone and computer, and have for years, and I'm not hiding anything from anybody. This has not changed when I'm dating vs. single. My daughter (in college) is allowed to use my computer (briefly) but she uses the guest account. As far as I know, none of my girlfriends have even tried to access my phone. I haven't ever tried to look at theirs either.

 

The reason is, it's a good practice. I have apps and passwords to bank accounts, investments––everything. If my phone or computer were lost or stolen without being password protected every bit of data in my life would be compromised.

 

But let's just say for example that I had a live-in girlfriend... I wouldn't want her to have access to any number of things. Finances are a given, but also browser history, email and texts... and I also don't want anyone moving or changing sh*t around.

 

Heck, if I had a gf with a predilection for going through my pants pockets and wallet that would not be ok. I guess you could say I believe everyone is entitled to a certain amount of privacy.

 

My preference is not to date people who have orbiters and are close with previous boyfriends- that sh*t makes me ill.

[PegNosePete]

I guess you could say I believe everyone is entitled to a certain amount of privacy.

Oh absolutely, so do I.

My phone and PC are password protected.

 

But I do not refuse to let my girlfriend see conversations with "various guy friends including ex-lovers and boyfriends"!

[Clarence_Boddicker]

How long have you been dating her? How old are you guys?

[road]

I keep irritating my live in girlfriend with bouts of paranoia and jealousy.

 

 

 

 

You are neither. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Dump her.

[MightyPen]

OP,

 

 

First of all, you definitely don't sound paranoid. Sometimes the guilty party throws out accusations like that in an attempt to turn the tables. So keep that in mind.

 

Can you clarify your statement that "She is open about this and does not try to hide it?" when it comes to her messages?

 

 

Are you saying she has flat out told you, "I message my ex-lovers" but then she won't give you even a shred of information as to why she messages them, what they talk about, etc? That just seems really weird, and yes, sketchy. Usually people would not admit to the messaging ex-lovers thing because they'd know the sh*t would hit the fan.

Edited October 21, 2015 by MightyPen

[kgcolonel]

I am not seeing a balance in the commitment to this relationship. I agree that just because you volunteer your passwords, she should. However, like the prior posters stated, if she has nothing to hide, why the secrecy?

 

I had asked in your other thread as to what are looking for in this R? If it is "good times" then enjoy the "good times" while they are "good times" and then move on. If you're looking for longterm M or a committed relationship, I don't think she is there yet.

 

For the others, J&P is the new screen name for TechMonkey Here is his thread:

 

Am I off base here? (Girlfriend with late night guy friend)

 

His live in was spending time with her ex lover (who is hitting on her and encourages her into open relationships) alone at his apt. into the early morning hours.

 

This is where the discomfort is originating....

 

J&P I hope you can re-evaluate what you are seeking from the relationship and have that conversation with her to see if you two can come to an agreement.

[smackie9]

It bothers you that she chats with male friends and ex lovers, so why do you have her for a GF????...you shouldn't have to "inspect" her phone and computer, you need to stop dating her. This is absolutely silly. None of this is healthy if you don't trust her. Find a new GF.

If you have to insist on sharing PW and snoop through their phone, you shouldn't be dating.

[lolablue17]

If she's not hiding the fact that she constantly communicates with her Ex's, You have no right to spy on her, or invade her privacy and watch her conversations.

 

On the other hand, she has no right to force her being with her. Sharing private conversations with you, is something she should do because she loves you, because she cares, to make you happy and secure.

 

I would never agree to be with a Gf who has such tough rules, no matter what they are. If my Gf wouldn't agree to go half way towards me, I would have taken taken it as she doesn't love me so much, what so ever.

 

You feel insecure and your gf doesn't care? Why do you stay with her? Why won't you leave tonight? It's not something that can last...

[Redhead14]

I keep irritating my live in girlfriend with bouts of paranoia and jealousy. An ongoing theme has been my fixation on her phone and computer. She is quite protective of both and keeps them locked at all times. She doesn't want to share the password/passcodes to either. I have given her access to my computers, phones, and tablets because I simply don't care or have anything to hide. I volunteered to do this. She did not request it.

 

I've expressed mistrust over her very proactive protectiveness of her phone and computer. If she's going to put them down or walk away (in the home), they get locked. She does use them to communicate with various guy friends including ex-lovers and boyfriends. She is open about this and does not try to hide it. However, I am not allowed to see these conversations. She has no further sexual relations with them, but they are an important part of her life.

 

I am mistrustful of the situation and my paranoid mind immediately goes to her trying to hide something. Her view is that her phone, computer, and conversations with friends are her business and she has no obligation to reciprocate the open devices policy or share them with me. I agree that it's not an obligation, but it still leaves me feeling like it's a bit sketchy.

 

That's it in a nutshell. I'm just curious how many here might think I'm in the wrong for feeling that something is likely being hidden from me.

 

Trust and transparency is key in a relationship. You have given her transparency and she needs to reciprocate in order to maintain mutuality.

 

That being said, is there a specific reason for your concern? I mean, paranoia is about a concern for which there is no real reason or empirical evidence to support that paranoia or suspicion. My point is, that you are aware of the fact that she keeps in touch with other men with whom she's had close relationships, therefore, this is not being paranoid. You have a reason to be concerned and it's making you uncomfortable. If your girlfriend respects your feelings and wants you to be confident and trust her, she needs to show you.

 

How long have you known each other and been living together? Is there talk of marriage?

[salparadise]

Oh absolutely, so do I.

My phone and PC are password protected.

 

But I do not refuse to let my girlfriend see conversations with "various guy friends including ex-lovers and boyfriends"!

 

 

Gotcha.

 

I guess if I had a jealous gf who got it in her head that I was fooling around when I wasn't, I'd probably open up the phone/computer once to show there's nothing to worry about. But if she insisted on ongoing access so she could monitor my txt and email on a daily basis... I'd just say no.

 

If I were in the OPs situation where he already knows that she's in constant contact with orbiters and ex-lovers... and refusing to make changes to facilitate a safe feeling and stable relationship, I'd end it. What guy in his right mind wants to live with that kind of doubt and tension? The relationship is already devoid of trust and doesn't have the potential for depth and satisfaction.

 

I know there are people who swear that their ex's are now platonic best friends, etc., and they usually believe they have an inalienable right to maintain their fan club... I don't need to debate that point. I don't want to be with someone who abstains from extracurricular, opposite-sex relationships reluctantly because I forbid it.

 

I want an exclusive relationship with depth, one that transcends this kind of contentiousness... where we focus our attention on each other and ex's are but a distant memory. Otherwise, I'd rather be single.

[autumnnight]

To me the issue here is not that you don't know all her passwords. People who are only dating do not NEED to know each other's passcodes (this whole transparency stuff gets out of hand after awhile). The issue to me is that she is SO protective and SO emphatic. And the bigger issue is this keeping up with the past lovers thing. People who keep in touch with their past lovers while in a relationship are not hip and evolved; they are clueless and selfish with shoddy boundaries.

[qubist]

To me the issue here is not that you don't know all her passwords. People who are only dating do not NEED to know each other's passcodes (this whole transparency stuff gets out of hand after awhile). The issue to me is that she is SO protective and SO emphatic. And the bigger issue is this keeping up with the past lovers thing. People who keep in touch with their past lovers while in a relationship are not hip and evolved; they are clueless and selfish with shoddy boundaries.

yeap specially that she went to this guy's place and stayed till 2:00 am. that's too much to pull up with

[Try]

What i suggest you do on this forum, turn it around and say you are the guy wanting to keep your privacy and talk to ex lovers and see what kind of response you get.....

 

well, i think you can anticipate quite easily the response, you have your answer.

The problem is that this does not always work. While a cheater is actively cheating, and thus cannot grant access or they would for sure be in trouble, they know that their significant other is only talking theory, and thus there is little risk in pretending that they would not mind. Remember that cheaters usually lie to protect their affair, and telling you that they would not mind would be just another lie.

[Try]

She does use them to communicate with various guy friends including ex-lovers and boyfriends. She is open about this and does not try to hide it. However, I am not allowed to see these conversations. She has no further sexual relations with them, but they are an important part of her life.

You cannot say that "she is open about this", and then say that you are "not allowed to see these conversations" with these "ex-lovers and boyfriends". She is either open about her relationship with other men or she is not.

 

You are nuts to be in a relationship such as this where she does not respect normal relationship boundaries. She is allowed to be in play with these other men while you have unilaterally taken yourself out of the game with other women. This power dynamics of this relationship is not healthy for you. You always need to be looking over your shoulder while she does not. Tell her that she either agrees to explore the type of exclusive relationship that you were seeking with her, or you will need to end the exclusiveness of your relationship with her so that you can also explore relationships with others of the opposite sex. Her decision here will tell you if she was playing you.

[Makeleveesnotwar]

On the one hand yes, someone who has nothing to hide will not try to hide things.

 

On the other hand.... if you are the jealous type, she may just not want you to take something innocent out of context. Personally I'm a very affectionate person and say I love you to my friends all the time, male and female. It's platonic and I know that. But if I were to see my SO saying that to someone I didn't know I might worry even if there was really no reason to.

 

I'm all about confronting issues right away. I'd rather say "hey I thought this was a little weird can you clarify it" rather than stress over something in my mind and get worked up over something that may be nothing. That only works if you have trust though.

 

Use the context of the rest of the relationship as a guide. Does everything else she does check out? Do you feel secure with her? Is she upfront with you when you ask questions? Give her the benefit of the doubt if so. But if not, stay on guard.

[WaitingForBardot]

On the one hand yes, someone who has nothing to hide will not try to hide things.

 

On the other hand.... if you are the jealous type, she may just not want you to take something innocent out of context. Personally I'm a very affectionate person and say I love you to my friends all the time, male and female. It's platonic and I know that. But if I were to see my SO saying that to someone I didn't know I might worry even if there was really no reason to.

 

I'm all about confronting issues right away. I'd rather say "hey I thought this was a little weird can you clarify it" rather than stress over something in my mind and get worked up over something that may be nothing. That only works if you have trust though.

 

Use the context of the rest of the relationship as a guide. Does everything else she does check out? Do you feel secure with her? Is she upfront with you when you ask questions? Give her the benefit of the doubt if so. But if not, stay on guard.

I agree with you other than the first sentence.

 

In my era we grew up with expectations of a certain level of privacy, something that in the social network era seems to have gone by the wayside. I have been married for a long time and neither my wife, nor I have access to the other's accounts, nor have we ever creeped on one another. Context is the key. We trust each other and neither of us engage in behaviors that would lead us to distrust the other. My feeling is that by the time things get to where you feel you have to check, they have already gone seriously awry and the checking won't really help.