This situation is incredibly messed up and or anything would be amazing

[zzzasd123]

This is such a long story so I don't want to go through it all but I'll say the main things. I was an OM with a MW and we were together for 2+ years. It was an incredibly hard two years for both of us, and we both had terrible issues already. There were kids involved on her side; 2 with her H and 1 older kid with her ex who had problems with her real father. I really want to stress that this was real love that started originally on friendship; we were friends at work roughly 8 months before it started (I was involved with someone else before that). I hate how so many people just assume that any love in an affair is based on "fleeting feelings" or some bs.

 

She ended up going no contact at the end of it; that was 2 years ago. I spent the 2 years dealing with a lot of my own ****. I made the dumb mistakes of emailing her every few months trying to see what's up and wanting to be friends. She would read them all (says read) but not reply. During the past summer, I ended up sending a few big emails telling her my feelings and that I wanted a family with her. Very dumb and insane idea, I know that now. Her husband ended up finding everything out at the end of the summer. He found out about a week before they were moving out of province, and they moved anyway. That was 3 months ago, and since then we've been in actual NC (thank god). I've healed a lot finally (not fully though of course), and I'm back in school to finish my degree. I'll admit I'm not the healthiest person still, but I've made vast improvements and I'm meeting new girls and friends quite a bit. I've even joined a public speaking group and am planning my own mini-event to help raise money and combat mental health stigma.

 

Here's the problem. I still love her. Deeply. We weren't perfect people, but we were perfect matches. She called me her perfect match. When they lived away she visited 4000km at Christmas and we went on an awesome date Xmas night. Her husband was away for work a lot, so I had a lot of chances to see her. We only slept together 4 times tbh. We exchanged valentines gifts, she sent flowers to my work too. A lot of meaningful stuff. She was very scared to leave though, because of her own problems and because of her kids. I won't lie, at this point I have zero idea of her feelings for her husband, although from what I know they didn't live together very long before marrying and it seems highly likely that as she got older she settled, especially because of her older kid. We weren't just perfect matches in a romantic way, but in a living situation as well, in future dreams/goals, and sexually. We just met at the wrong time. And truthfully, she made the right decision, because with our mental states at the time, we would probably have messed it all up.

 

I'm approaching this with zero expectations, with the idea that I'll never see her again..but that feels so impossible and wrong (not that feelings make it true). She deleted her facebook, I'm assuming her husband told her too. I'm also assuming they're going through the normal difficulties after discovering an affair. I just want to know peoples opinions on my chances? I'm trying my hardest to move on so that if I never see her again I'll be ahead of the game..but it's very hard. I'm very glad to finally be in NC, because all I was doing with my emails was literally justifying her actions and saying she was stronger than me and making the right choice, and giving her the idea that I would always be there. Now that is gone, so hopefully since she's done eating her cake, she might have a more clear head over time. It's just so hard for me to believe that after all the bad **** they had in their relationship (they were thinking divorce already at one point), that finding out that she cheated for 2 years and then lied about it for another 2, that either of them would ever be happy in that marriage.

 

I know the kids are a major factor, and I don't blame her for trying to make it work. I can see where the guilt would come in to play if she just left without trying to fix things. I'm glad I'm out of the picture and that she can give it the honest try she obviously needs to. I just know that every girl I want to date doesn't seem to make me feel as at home, and I feel bad dating anyone knowing I would leave them in a heartbeat if she wanted to have a real reconciliation. I want a life with her and everything good or bad that comes with it. I just have no idea what is going on with her whatsoever, or what she feels. I just hope it goes the way I would like it to, because I know she loved me more than him. I'll survive if it doesn't go my way, but that would majorly suck.

 

Thanks to anyone who read through all of this.

[zzzasd123]

Ugh jeez. I was so crazy for continuing to contact her. She never really told me to never contact her again, or that it was over forever or that she didn't love me or something. I feel like an insane idiot for doing all of that. How much does this screw up this situation more?

[MJJean]

If she wanted to leave, she would have left. She chose to stay and work on her marriage. She didn't respond to your attempts to reach out and she has deleted social media that you were familiar with. It's been 2 years.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't think there is a chance for you with this woman.

[Lurkeraspect]

This is such a long story so I don't want to go through it all but I'll say the main things. I was an OM with a MW and we were together for 2+ years. It was an incredibly hard two years for both of us, and we both had terrible issues already. There were kids involved on her side; 2 with her H and 1 older kid with her ex who had problems with her real father. I really want to stress that this was real love that started originally on friendship; we were friends at work roughly 8 months before it started (I was involved with someone else before that). I hate how so many people just assume that any love in an affair is based on "fleeting feelings" or some bs.

 

She ended up going no contact at the end of it; that was 2 years ago. I spent the 2 years dealing with a lot of my own ****. I made the dumb mistakes of emailing her every few months trying to see what's up and wanting to be friends. She would read them all (says read) but not reply. During the past summer, I ended up sending a few big emails telling her my feelings and that I wanted a family with her. Very dumb and insane idea, I know that now. Her husband ended up finding everything out at the end of the summer. He found out about a week before they were moving out of province, and they moved anyway. That was 3 months ago, and since then we've been in actual NC (thank god). I've healed a lot finally (not fully though of course), and I'm back in school to finish my degree. I'll admit I'm not the healthiest person still, but I've made vast improvements and I'm meeting new girls and friends quite a bit. I've even joined a public speaking group and am planning my own mini-event to help raise money and combat mental health stigma.

 

Here's the problem. I still love her. Deeply. We weren't perfect people, but we were perfect matches. She called me her perfect match. When they lived away she visited 4000km at Christmas and we went on an awesome date Xmas night. Her husband was away for work a lot, so I had a lot of chances to see her. We only slept together 4 times tbh. We exchanged valentines gifts, she sent flowers to my work too. A lot of meaningful stuff. She was very scared to leave though, because of her own problems and because of her kids. I won't lie, at this point I have zero idea of her feelings for her husband, although from what I know they didn't live together very long before marrying and it seems highly likely that as she got older she settled, especially because of her older kid. We weren't just perfect matches in a romantic way, but in a living situation as well, in future dreams/goals, and sexually. We just met at the wrong time. And truthfully, she made the right decision, because with our mental states at the time, we would probably have messed it all up.

 

I'm approaching this with zero expectations, with the idea that I'll never see her again..but that feels so impossible and wrong (not that feelings make it true). She deleted her facebook, I'm assuming her husband told her too. I'm also assuming they're going through the normal difficulties after discovering an affair. I just want to know peoples opinions on my chances? I'm trying my hardest to move on so that if I never see her again I'll be ahead of the game..but it's very hard. I'm very glad to finally be in NC, because all I was doing with my emails was literally justifying her actions and saying she was stronger than me and making the right choice, and giving her the idea that I would always be there. Now that is gone, so hopefully since she's done eating her cake, she might have a more clear head over time. It's just so hard for me to believe that after all the bad **** they had in their relationship (they were thinking divorce already at one point), that finding out that she cheated for 2 years and then lied about it for another 2, that either of them would ever be happy in that marriage.

 

I know the kids are a major factor, and I don't blame her for trying to make it work. I can see where the guilt would come in to play if she just left without trying to fix things. I'm glad I'm out of the picture and that she can give it the honest try she obviously needs to. I just know that every girl I want to date doesn't seem to make me feel as at home, and I feel bad dating anyone knowing I would leave them in a heartbeat if she wanted to have a real reconciliation. I want a life with her and everything good or bad that comes with it. I just have no idea what is going on with her whatsoever, or what she feels. I just hope it goes the way I would like it to, because I know she loved me more than him. I'll survive if it doesn't go my way, but that would majorly suck.

 

Thanks to anyone who read through all of this.

 

 

Yep, that's all you've got. If Hope is your plan, you're good. FYI- Hope is not a plan.

Edited October 21, 2015 by Lurkeraspect

[DKT3]

It sounds like you were an escape from her life, a chance to step away from whatever problems she had with her marriage and issue with her ex.

 

Here is your issue as I see it. You are making it seem that her staying in her marriage is out of her control, like she stayed ONLY because of the kids or whatever your convincing yourself.

 

One of the biggest mistakes we often make is thinking those we care for and love, also care for and love us in the same manner. Sometimes that just isn't the case.

 

I don't think this woman cares for you the way you care for us. I think your continued contact feeds her ego without actively being involved with you.

 

I'm concerned that after so long of her ignoring you, that you still see hope and talking as if her husband is hold her hostage and someday she will break free and come running to you.

[OldLady]

You have my empathy. Two years is a long time. Her husband has given her a chance for whatever reason and she has decided to stay with him for reasons unknown to you but most likely not for deep love. I believe that things happen for a reason but we don't always know why right away. A therapist once told me that you can love anyone you want but that doesn't mean you can have that person in your life. I had to chew on that for a while but it does make perfect sense to me now.

 

Someone on this forum said that if a person truly loves another above all else, that they would move heaven and earth to make it happen. I think that your OP does love you but just not enough to deal with what it would take to start a new life with you.

 

So I think you have your answer. It's time to move on. Easier said than done. I know. Just my two cents.

[zzzasd123]

It sounds like you were an escape from her life, a chance to step away from whatever problems she had with her marriage and issue with her ex.

 

Here is your issue as I see it. You are making it seem that her staying in her marriage is out of her control, like she stayed ONLY because of the kids or whatever your convincing yourself.

 

One of the biggest mistakes we often make is thinking those we care for and love, also care for and love us in the same manner. Sometimes that just isn't the case.

 

I don't think this woman cares for you the way you care for us. I think your continued contact feeds her ego without actively being involved with you.

 

I'm concerned that after so long of her ignoring you, that you still see hope and talking as if her husband is hold her hostage and someday she will break free and come running to you.

 

Yes, you're completely right. I'm a master at ignoring facts and imagining scenarios. It's something I'm trying very hard to work on. After I typed everything out I felt like a moron. I'm sorry if I made it seem I think that way, and I do tend to give her husband more credit for "keeping her hostage". I do know she did love me quite a bit, and that her marriage was very bad for her from an outside perspective. And I would not have been able to support her and/or her kids back then. This is all true.

 

That all might make me sound disillusioned, and sometimes I am, but at this point I do see the reality. I don't even know what I was looking for when I posted to be honest. She left two years ago. The part that has made it hard is like I said, she never said anything. I'm not looking for closure because I know there is absolutely no way to just tie things up nice and neat like a bow; what would have been a mercy though is hearing her tell me that it was over forever and to never speak to her again. What someone said above about hope not being a plan is completely right. I have no idea why she stays with her husband. What I think is that she's always going to be unhappy with her marriage but not unhappy enough with her overall life to leave him for me. She was very hurt because at the end I felt like she was using me, and I think she was hurt because she did have feelings for me so she felt like she wasn't using me. But the two aren't mutually exclusive, she was using me because she had feelings for me and got something out of it. And I feel like a complete moron for spending so long feeding her ego and basically justifying all of her actions. Like I said, I'm actually doing real NC now and it's helped a lot. Either way she's never going to leave her husband herself, she will stay there as long as he stays too. I don't want to be with someone who wants to live life like she does. I want a life where I'm scared enough to settle for less than I need, and I want to be with someone who cares enough to also move mountains to be with me. I don't want any of the confusion or wondering or hurt. It's just all ridiculous and it isn't what love is. I'm sick of all the drama in life. And it's funny, she's the one who told me "Life doesn't have to be so complicated!" Lol, take some of your own medicine.

 

Anyway..thanks for the reply.

[trailrunner1975]

Find a nice, sane, SINGLE woman and move forward. Dwelling on the past is a waste of time. Her issues at home are her problem and she chose to stay. They deserve each other and you deserve better. Period.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

The vast majority of married men who have affairs never leave their wives. I'm sure the same is true with married women who have affairs. I'm assuming that the reason they have affairs instead of getting a divorce & become single, is they want to stay married. No matter how "special" or "unique" your "relationship" with a married affair partner is, their spouse is the most important person in their life. If you really love her, you should let her go. She's made her choice & that's her husband, not you.

[zzzasd123]

Thank you everyone for the replies and advice; it's all well appreciated and taken to heart. I have been over thinking this too much lately obviously and I think it's best if I just continue to move on, and take everything day by day.

[carhill]

OP, since the active affair apparently ended two years ago and you're still having difficulty processing it out, I'd suggest getting the help of a professional if not already sought. Professionals have the training and tools to assist in finishing the business, effectively grieving the loss and moving on. Otherwise, it is possible to become 'stuck' in a loop where the memory of the person becomes a hindrance to forming healthy relationships.

 

LS has a Coping forum where one can get support and discuss the process of moving on. Hope things work out for you.

[Popsicle]

Find a nice, sane, SINGLE woman and move forward. Dwelling on the past is a waste of time. Her issues at home are her problem and she chose to stay. They deserve each other and you deserve better. Period.

 

This X1000

[bathtub-row]

Here's the part that's equally hard to accept and to make sense of: no matter how great the connection, no matter how perfect the two of you are for each other, it was not meant to be. The circumstances are all wrong. It's not meant to be. Very hard to accept. You can't ignore that fact forever.

 

This is not an either-or situation. Just because you can't be with her doesn't mean you're obligated to date other women. I often wonder why it doesn't occur to people to just step away from the whole relationship thing for awhile and get your head screwed back on straight. Then see what happens. You don't have to be with the MW and you don't have to date. Be with yourself for awhile.

[zzzasd123]

Here's the part that's equally hard to accept and to make sense of: no matter how great the connection, no matter how perfect the two of you are for each other, it was not meant to be. The circumstances are all wrong. It's not meant to be. Very hard to accept. You can't ignore that fact forever.

 

This is not an either-or situation. Just because you can't be with her doesn't mean you're obligated to date other women. I often wonder why it doesn't occur to people to just step away from the whole relationship thing for awhile and get your head screwed back on straight. Then see what happens. You don't have to be with the MW and you don't have to date. Be with yourself for awhile.

 

Yeah that's what I'm planning on doing now. I just want to be alone for awhile.

[rhymemepoet]

Hello zzzasd123, I was the OM too for three years.

 

I'll save you time and unnecessary grief and a guideline to get over it properly:

 

Think of the time as a learning/growing experience. Think of all the many things you've learned through this connection. Wouldn't trade those gems for the world, would you.

 

You can't will your mind to stop thinking about her any more than you could stop your echo in a canyon.

 

What you can do is castigate that mental echo as a beacon of inspiration. Go out into the world and make good use of the knowledge you've learned and the strength you've earned.

 

Don't look back and wish you were still in school, you've graduated, you're free.

 

Believe in your own creations my good friend because we are all arbiters of our own path, regardless how crooked or narrow it gets at times.

 

Relationships come in many shapes and sizes, yet when you see the triangle it's usually a powerfully destructive force and all types of family and non-family relationships can be destroyed by it (or worse).

 

The simple truth is that you just need to learn that the love you love the most is coming from you. She was just a tuning fork vibrating to the sound of your voice. You miss the effect you had, the ego she blew.

 

But I ask you, isn't that ego still yours, and if so where did it go? You can create any reality your heart desires, so you better start desiring again. Use it or lose it.