Young love vs adult love....what's your experience like?

[loverage21]

So I have been on here a lot expressing my concerns regarding first love.

 

This article about first love sort of nails it on the head

Why can't I forget my first love: Reasons why first love is so special and powerful

 

People say you can never forget your first love...and I asked others what that means. In a literal sense, you don't forget anyone you have loved. But first love is one that is almost impossible to bury in your thoughts no matter how much you try. It sticks with you for life.

 

I consulted with [a psychologist] about this issue. She said people don't always necessarily long for their first love. Sometimes it can be a later love, like one in college or even later. She said the key to this longing is love that was interrupted by outside forces, such as parent disapproval, armed forces, things of that nature. Most people don't even look back.

 

But I thought about this and even if that is the case, it still does not change the fact that love after the first will never be the same. Although people can experience stronger connections, stronger bonds, and better relationships, your first love sticks with you, regardless.

 

So here comes my philosophy. A first will always be a first. That is unconditional and is powerful in itself. But you cannot guarantee to be someone's last.

 

So what if you end up in between the first and last love? While you are never forgotten, you can be burried. But the first can never be.

 

So then here comes my next question...

 

If a guy has never been in love, wouldn't it be best to pursue a girl who also has never been in love?

 

Because if things go south, you are at least each others first loves.

 

Versus if a guy's first love is a girl who has loved before, she will have a greater impact on his heart and memory than he will have on hers.

Edited October 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Qboro90]

I think that everyone could give you a different answer for the question between first and last loves. Because for each person it is different.

 

Myself for example... My first love and I dated for 2 years and broke up because she had to move home following college graduation due to financial reasons. While I was devastated and sad I eventually moved on and fell in love another 2 times in the following years. My current fiancé is (i hope at least) my last love.

 

The fact that I was in love before her has not prevented me now from dedicating my entire heart and soul to her because quite frankly I don't think about my first love or 2nd love at all. Other than the memory here and there, I do not think that just because your first love was your FIRST, holds any deeper meaning or value in ones life

 

As far as your question "wouldn't it be better to be one another's first loves etc?" I couldn't disagree more. You're placing to much emphasis and meaning on being someone's FIRST. Everyone has a first. Some peoples are meaningful and important, others are mistakes and regrets, others and just another part of their lives.

 

If each of you were one another's firsts then you would go through the hurdles and issues all couples have only it would be your first time taking on such hurdles together. That can prove to be some couples downfalls despite their love for another. They're just too inexperienced and immature to combat those things properly. However their next love or next partner, they would have the experience and wherewithal to understand that they can get through those things or work together and get stronger because of it.

 

If your theory was true then everyone would marry their high school sweetheart. That's not the case and most high school sweetheart romances end in divorce these days so I have to disagree with that idea.

[Got it]

Well I married my first love, my high school sweetheart.

 

Trust me the love can fade and I promise you don't always long for your first love. We are divorced and there is zero longing.

[d0nnivain]

Young love is like tall weeds. They grow. The look strong & have some roots but it's not all that hard to tear them out because they aren't deep.

 

 

Mature love is like a mighty oak tree -- tall, strong, able to withstand storms with deep, wide roots.

 

 

For certain very few people their young love can be the sapling that does grow tall & mighty but for most the general immaturity of youth carries over into relationships & the don't last as the people grow & change.

[loverage21]

Young love is like tall weeds. They grow. The look strong & have some roots but it's not all that hard to tear them out because they aren't deep.

 

 

Mature love is like a mighty oak tree -- tall, strong, able to withstand storms with deep, wide roots.

 

 

For certain very few people their young love can be the sapling that does grow tall & mighty but for most the general immaturity of youth carries over into relationships & the don't last as the people grow & change.

 

But does your first (or teen love) give you more distinctive memories than any that come later? Like for example, does you early lovers give you more "sweet", fond, or stronger flashbacks than lets say any boyfriends/girlfriends you experienced in college or later?

 

Basically what I am asking does your young loves stick with you more later in life?

[d0nnivain]

No. I remember things about every man I loved. Each contributed to who I am today because they are part of the experiences that made up my life.

 

 

I learned to use a computer in high school. That really doesn't have an effect on my ability to surf the internet but it's a part of it. Some boy who made me giggle doesn't influence my marriage.

 

 

The myth & fairy tale of first love are just that .. . hooey.

[loverage21]

No. I remember things about every man I loved. Each contributed to who I am today because they are part of the experiences that made up my life.

 

 

I learned to use a computer in high school. That really doesn't have an effect on my ability to surf the internet but it's a part of it. Some boy who made me giggle doesn't influence my marriage.

 

 

The myth & fairy tale of first love are just that .. . hooey.

 

I guess I am just really hurt. My dad told me he still holds his first to a high regard compared to his other exes. Even said that after he cheated on my mom with her.

 

It just hurts to know that when I give my heart to a girl and she is my first serious love and I am not hers, what the outcome would be if we broke up. That she still holds her first in high regard during and after our relationship ends. While to me she is my first.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry you are hurting. A first love is a special thing. However, it's not the oldest thing. Your father cheating on your mother with his "first love" does not make that first more special. It was just a lie your dad told you to try to justify his cheating.

 

 

This woman will remember you, probably fondly if you were a good BF.

 

 

Try to understand that what comes next will be better. . . deeper. . . sweeter & lasting, therefore more fulfilling.

[loverage21]

I'm sorry you are hurting. A first love is a special thing. However, it's not the oldest thing. Your father cheating on your mother with his "first love" does not make that first more special. It was just a lie your dad told you to try to justify his cheating.

 

 

This woman will remember you, probably fondly if you were a good BF.

 

 

Try to understand that what comes next will be better. . . deeper. . . sweeter & lasting, therefore more fulfilling.

 

But it is not a question as to whether or not she will remember me fondly. It is a question as to whether or not the memories she has of me has less weight on her heart and mind than her first. I feel by default that a girl's first or young love will always be special to her while the way she views her other boyfriends afterwards will be conditional.

 

Meaning she will always have a soft spot for her first. But all the other guys she had afterwards don't have that same soft spot.

 

Meaning if you end up between the first and last boyfriend, you are not as special. Sort of like being the middle child.

 

That is probably one of the best ways I explained it so far: THE MIDDLE CHILD. Yea the guys in the middle are special in their own sense. But there is something about the first that they don't match up to and they certainly don't hold a candle to the guy you are with now. But who's to say the guy you are with now will not be bumped to "middle" status.

Edited October 22, 2015 by loverage21

[Qboro90]

Again you're harping to much on someone's first. I think your fathers experience and infidelity is prohibiting you from seeing the actuality of love and dating. His reason for cheating is just one individual circumstance and not the norm.

 

If your next gf and you fall in love, that will not mean that deep down you're second best to the first guy she fell in love with. Think of it with this example.

When you learned to ride a bike you were about 6 -8 years old. Was the bike you leaned to ride the best bike of all time and any bike you owned thereafter not as great? Of course not. Same with love and dating.

 

You're worrying about dating and falling in love with the girl who is still hung up on her ex or her first love. Avoid that by recognizing it early on and not getting invested. The majority of girls tho won't be like that so be confident in yourself and knowing that you are giving them something that no one else has given them or will give them.

[loverage21]

Again you're harping to much on someone's first. I think your fathers experience and infidelity is prohibiting you from seeing the actuality of love and dating. His reason for cheating is just one individual circumstance and not the norm.

 

If your next gf and you fall in love, that will not mean that deep down you're second best to the first guy she fell in love with. Think of it with this example.

When you learned to ride a bike you were about 6 -8 years old. Was the bike you leaned to ride the best bike of all time and any bike you owned thereafter not as great? Of course not. Same with love and dating.

 

You're worrying about dating and falling in love with the girl who is still hung up on her ex or her first love. Avoid that by recognizing it early on and not getting invested. The majority of girls tho won't be like that so be confident in yourself and knowing that you are giving them something that no one else has given them or will give them.

 

 

But again...I can't seem to convey what I am REALLY trying to get across here. If you are not her first nor her last, what makes you more special than the 123rd boyfriend she has had? What makes you more special than any other guy she has dated before her first or last?

 

The first is special in its own way. That is unconditional. The fact you were someones first love, first kiss, first sex makes you stand out in itself. You dont have to necessarily be a great guy. Just because you were the first to experience that with her, she associates those first times with you.

 

The person she loves now is the torch above all, because HELLO!, that is the person she is in love with NOW. That is the person she is actively having feelings for.

 

The guys/exes/past lovers that fall in between. Yea, they were great and all. But there is something about the first that is sweet and stands out and is huge in itself. And the guy she loves now is the one she is invested in. But the guys in between...that sucks.

 

So am I justified to feel this way?

[lana-banana]

But it is not a question as to whether or not she will remember me fondly. It is a question as to whether or not the memories she has of me has less weight on her heart and mind than her first. I feel by default that a girl's first or young love will always be special to her while the way she views her other boyfriends afterwards will be conditional.

 

Meaning she will always have a soft spot for her first. But all the other guys she had afterwards don't have that same soft spot.

 

Woman here, and this isn't true for me at all. My second and fourth "loves" (the fourth is my current boyfriend) left far stronger impressions on me than my first. Sure, the first time is exciting and special, but I've grown and done so much through my twenties that some of my own memories feel like they happened to someone else. I barely remember what my first love looked like.

 

I realize you're hurting terribly, and I understand. But it's just not true that all or even most people have a soft spot for their first loves.

[Qboro90]

But again...I can't seem to convey what I am REALLY trying to get across here. If you are not her first nor her last, what makes you more special than the 123rd boyfriend she has had? What makes you more special than any other guy she has dated before her first or last?

 

The first is special in its own way. That is unconditional. The fact you were someones first love, first kiss, first sex makes you stand out in itself. You dont have to necessarily be a great guy. Just because you were the first to experience that with her, she associates those first times with you.

 

The person she loves now is the torch above all, because HELLO!, that is the person she is in love with NOW. That is the person she is actively having feelings for.

 

The guys/exes/past lovers that fall in between. Yea, they were great and all. But there is something about the first that is sweet and stands out and is huge in itself. And the guy she loves now is the one she is invested in. But the guys in between...that sucks.

 

So am I justified to feel this way?

 

 

Not sure I understand.... Are you worried that the girl you were in love with doesn't have as fond of memories of you as you'd like now that she's dating/in love with the next guy?

 

not sure what the point is either.... If you're with someone and in love then just have faith that you mean mkre to them than anyone else has or will. If you've broken up and they've moved on then who cares about how they view or feel about your time together going forward

[Qboro90]

Let's just say a girl has been in love with 4 guys her entire life. And you were number 2. Her first doesn't hold any higher meaning other than the fact that he was her first. You might be the one who truly showed her the meaning of love and how a couple should act towards one another. The 3rd guy could've just developed that more as she grew up and matured. And the 4th guy is THE ONE who makes her forget about all other men in the world and she never wants to be with anyone else.

 

So what's the issue here? You'd like her to have a shrine towards you and feel like your love meant more than anyone else besides the guys she's gonna marry? Seems like a torturous mindset to even think about

[loverage21]

Let's just say a girl has been in love with 4 guys her entire life. And you were number 2. Her first doesn't hold any higher meaning other than the fact that he was her first. You might be the one who truly showed her the meaning of love and how a couple should act towards one another. The 3rd guy could've just developed that more as she grew up and matured. And the 4th guy is THE ONE who makes her forget about all other men in the world and she never wants to be with anyone else.

 

So what's the issue here? You'd like her to have a shrine towards you and feel like your love meant more than anyone else besides the guys she's gonna marry? Seems like a torturous mindset to even think about

 

But you still acknowledge that the first still holds a higher meaning. That's why I am fearful to let a girl be my first love when I am not hers.

[loverage21]

Woman here, and this isn't true for me at all. My second and fourth "loves" (the fourth is my current boyfriend) left far stronger impressions on me than my first. Sure, the first time is exciting and special, but I've grown and done so much through my twenties that some of my own memories feel like they happened to someone else. I barely remember what my first love looked like.

 

I realize you're hurting terribly, and I understand. But it's just not true that all or even most people have a soft spot for their first loves.

 

We're you and your first love seriously involved?

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

People who meet in their middle ages, its not uncommon for them to say they wish they met each-other when they were younger

[loverage21]

People who meet in their middle ages, its not uncommon for them to say they wish they met each-other when they were younger

 

I have a scenario:

 

 

Well the first love is the one you shared your heart with unguarded in its true innocence. You didn't necessarily have to have sex for someone to serve as your first love. It could be something like a 6 month to a year relationship where sex was not necessarily involved.

Nothing can really ever replicate that. That is why first love in itself is unique of its own. That's why you see movies of young love that warm peoples hearts.

The second love is one that you already experienced heartbreak. So instead of it being all sweet and innocent-like it is more practical. Doesn't have all the same "juice".

Now when you break up with your second love, you meet your 3rd love. The third love is still looked at in a practical sense like your second love. Except with the third love, you are currently seeking him/her.

So what does that mean for the second love?

And for instance, what if a girl is my first love but I am her second love? She will have a longer lasting impact on me than I would have on her.

Make sense?

[Qboro90]

But you still acknowledge that the first still holds a higher meaning. That's why I am fearful to let a girl be my first love when I am not hers.

 

That's not what I said. I said that there is no higher meaning other than the fact that that person was your first. There's nothing deeper about it going on. You're looking at it from a movie portrayal perspective where the first time someone falls in love it's this magical thing where the pureness and innocence of it cannot ever be replicated. That's simply not true. It's called first love for a reason. There's a second, third, fourth love that follow in most cases.

 

There is a reason a girls first love ended. Maybe she fell out of love, maybe he cheated, etc. So she's not holding onto that emotion for the rest of her life.

[Qboro90]

I have a scenario:

 

 

Well the first love is the one you shared your heart with unguarded in its true innocence. You didn't necessarily have to have sex for someone to serve as your first love. It could be something like a 6 month to a year relationship where sex was not necessarily involved.

Nothing can really ever replicate that. That is why first love in itself is unique of its own. That's why you see movies of young love that warm peoples hearts.

The second love is one that you already experienced heartbreak. So instead of it being all sweet and innocent-like it is more practical. Doesn't have all the same "juice".

Now when you break up with your second love, you meet your 3rd love. The third love is still looked at in a practical sense like your second love. Except with the third love, you are currently seeking him/her.

So what does that mean for the second love?

And for instance, what if a girl is my first love but I am her second love? She will have a longer lasting impact on me than I would have on her.

Make sense?

 

 

In your example, why does your 2nd love have to be more practical? It's just as likely that each person can fall head over heels and say "I've never felt this way about anyone before!".

 

If the next girl you date is your first love and you are her 2nd or 3rd. And one of you cheats on the other. Is that going to have a longer lasting impact on you just because she was the first girl you were in love with? The next girl you fall in love with after her can be your future wife who is better than you could ever imagined a partner being. Therefore the impact of your first love will have 0 effect on you or your relationship whatsoever.

[d0nnivain]

Make sense?

 

 

No, it doesn't. You are borrowing trouble.

 

 

Seriously. Why are you so concerned about how somebody else's history will judge you? Your 1st love will be a memory for you. Even if you are not that person's 1st love, you will still be a memory for her. Stop making yourself unnecessarily crazy over the perceived quantity or quality of that memory.

 

 

When you are older & on to your lasting love -- you know that person you marry & procreate with -- it won't make one lick of difference whether some long ago girl remembers you at all let alone at what intensity.

[loverage21]

No, it doesn't. You are borrowing trouble.

 

 

Seriously. Why are you so concerned about how somebody else's history will judge you? Your 1st love will be a memory for you. Even if you are not that person's 1st love, you will still be a memory for her. Stop making yourself unnecessarily crazy over the perceived quantity or quality of that memory.

 

 

When you are older & on to your lasting love -- you know that person you marry & procreate with -- it won't make one lick of difference whether some long ago girl remembers you at all let alone at what intensity.

 

 

But then you tell me....what is such the hype about first love. They say "you never forget it". They didn't say you will never forget anyone you loved....they particularly emphasised first love. So that hurts me to think of that. Plus it has been tearing me apart for weeks plus the whole cheating scandal of my parents and their marriage.

[Got it]

But again...I can't seem to convey what I am REALLY trying to get across here. If you are not her first nor her last, what makes you more special than the 123rd boyfriend she has had? What makes you more special than any other guy she has dated before her first or last?

 

The first is special in its own way. That is unconditional. The fact you were someones first love, first kiss, first sex makes you stand out in itself. You dont have to necessarily be a great guy. Just because you were the first to experience that with her, she associates those first times with you.

 

The person she loves now is the torch above all, because HELLO!, that is the person she is in love with NOW. That is the person she is actively having feelings for.

 

The guys/exes/past lovers that fall in between. Yea, they were great and all. But there is something about the first that is sweet and stands out and is huge in itself. And the guy she loves now is the one she is invested in. But the guys in between...that sucks.

 

So am I justified to feel this way?

 

So you are worrying about where you stand with a girl that is an ex because you aren't the current boyfriend or the first boyfriend? Am I understanding that correctly?

 

Frankly who cares at that point. Why do you need a legacy once they are in your rear view mirror? Sorry but that to me is all misplaced ego.

[Got it]

But then you tell me....what is such the hype about first love. They say "you never forget it". They didn't say you will never forget anyone you loved....they particularly emphasised first love. So that hurts me to think of that. Plus it has been tearing me apart for weeks plus the whole cheating scandal of my parents and their marriage.

 

Who says you never forget it? That doesn't speak to everyone. Many have a "first love" that they realize as they grow and mature was a really crappy love and probably not actually love at all.

 

You are trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. Why?

 

Again, I married my first love. First person I had sex with. First person I experienced a lot with. That in NO way makes my current husband pale in comparison. In fact, I realize all that I didn't have and how much better my current relationship is and how much deeper the love. THIS love, if it ended tomorrow, would stand out far longer than my "first" love because that one was more platonic than all encompassing as this one. This one is my once in a lifetime experience. I never said nor felt that with my first.

[loverage21]

Who says you never forget it? That doesn't speak to everyone. Many have a "first love" that they realize as they grow and mature was a really crappy love and probably not actually love at all.

 

You are trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. Why?

 

Again, I married my first love. First person I had sex with. First person I experienced a lot with. That in NO way makes my current husband pale in comparison. In fact, I realize all that I didn't have and how much better my current relationship is and how much deeper the love. THIS love, if it ended tomorrow, would stand out far longer than my "first" love because that one was more platonic than all encompassing as this one. This one is my once in a lifetime experience. I never said nor felt that with my first.

 

Well I asked people on three different forums this question:

 

"You never forget first love...What does that mean?"

 

Got this reply from one

 

"No it means that no other ex can possibly invoke powerful enough memories to fade away the memories of the first love.

The idea is you could easily forget about some loves you had if you loved a lot of different persons at a lot of different occasions. An emphasis is placed on the first because, supposedly when you loved for the first time you were grown enough to realize that was a whole new warm feeling inside you, and you're too old to forget such a nice experience.

Disclaimer: I do not believe this saying works for everyone. I think you could easily forget first love if you started to love early or slightly."

 

The second one from a different site:

 

"You can forget people you loved. Your memories only have a certain amount of space. After a while if you don't think about a certain person or memory the memory will fade till it is gone.

 

If you only love 3-4 people in your life, then sure you will remember them all. But what if you love 30-40? After you have been in love at least 5 times you should realize that love is not unique or mystical that only happens once in life. It can happen once a year at least. If you are unlucky in love and have a new person you love every year for your life... that's easily 70+ years...

 

So yes, you never forget your first love is true, as you could forget your second, third, or any in between."

 

It's not a coincidence I received this answer on two different sites.

 

I mean it's hard to absorb this. It makes me want to crawl in a hole and die.