Young love vs adult love....what's your experience like?

[lana-banana]

We're you and your first love seriously involved?

 

Yes, we were. (Note I said "first love", not boyfriend; I've dated 10 guys seriously but only four of those have been "loves" in the real sense of the word.) He was a nice guy and never did me any harm. But ten years later I have no feelings for him one way or another. I scarcely remember the time we shared, although I know it was happy; he crosses my mind once or twice a year, if that. Contrast that to my second love, with whom I shared a short but electrifying passion. The memories of that relationship still sting sometimes.

 

Why do you want to crawl into a hole and die? Part of maturity is accepting you can't control what others think of you. It may be frustrating, but there's a lot of freedom in that: you can concentrate on being happy with yourself.

[Popsicle]

It has been no different for me. I have more trouble finding a man over 35 who feels it's the same.

[Quiet Storm]

I have an interesting perspective because I met my husband at 15. Our love at that time was passionate, consuming, intense and dramatic. Nearly 25 years later, it's evolved into a more mature kind of love. It's still passionate but doesn't have that uncertainty of young love.

 

It's funny though because sometimes, those young love feelings will come rushing back. Like if we have an argument and then have crazy make up sex. Or when we notice someone checking the other one out. It's like a momentary emotional flashback to age 15 of wanting to go cuss a girl out for looking at him too long . Then my logical mature mind kicks in.

 

I think that when we are young we feel such raw emotions. We also make the relationship the main focus of our lives. We are so purely in the moment, high on love one minute, filled with jealousy, uncertainty, insecurity the next minute. Those intense emotions imprint on our mind, I think.

 

For many people, it's not about the specific first love as an individual, but about the feelings that the relationship inspired. People miss feeling like that, but I think most don't expect to love like a teenager. Those intense feelings are due to age, innocence and immaturity. Their intensity doesn't diminish the value of grown up love.

 

When I was 16, I could get on a roller coaster ten times in a row and I'd scream with excitement at every drop and loop. Now I get on with my kids and by the second ride I'm thinking "Why am I doing this again?" I'd much rather float down the lazy river than slide down a tube and get dumped into a spinning tornado of water. We evolve and that's OK.

 

As we age, we desensitize ourselves in some ways. We mature and our emotions level out. Our lives get filled with work, kids, responsibilities, family issues. We learn to cope with uncertainty and relationship issues, we don't cry in bed all day over an argument. Most of us try to resolve drama and conflict, not feed into it like teenagers often do.

 

I think most of us appreciate love at all stages of our lives. We can look back on our youth with fondness and still love our present lives. We still feel intense and passionate emotions, but are better equipped to cope with them. It's not that something is missing, it's just that we evolve and mature.

[SolG]

I have a completely different view to you OP. I have had three true loves thus far in my life, with a number of transient loves in between. I remember all of them predominantly fondly; with the true loves moreso. They all contributed to my journey and who I am today.

 

In terms of my first true love, he was the first real rung on that journey. As such, he was there and helped me on my first tentative steps. That doesn't make him 'more'... That just makes him first.

 

In fact, I would actually say that each SO on my journey has been more significant than the last. Because with each R, I have found more of me. And with more of me, there has been so much more to share!

 

For me the deepest connection is invariably the most recent. Don't fear how you'll be viewed in retrospect. Embrace what you have now.

[loverage21]

I have a completely different view to you OP. I have had three true loves thus far in my life, with a number of transient loves in between. I remember all of them predominantly fondly; with the true loves moreso. They all contributed to my journey and who I am today.

 

In terms of my first true love, he was the first real rung on that journey. As such, he was there and helped me on my first tentative steps. That doesn't make him 'more'... That just makes him first.

 

In fact, I would actually say that each SO on my journey has been more significant than the last. Because with each R, I have found more of me. And with more of me, there has been so much more to share!

 

For me the deepest connection is invariably the most recent. Don't fear how you'll be viewed in retrospect. Embrace what you have now.

 

I guess there is something about being young and being in love is sweet. What that means is you will always have a soft spot for people you loved as a teen. Plus, everything seems to be more intense and a bigger deal at a younger age. I think it targets the "innocence" inside

 

So what is going to happen when a college girl meets a college guy, or even later into adulthood? And let's say those relationships don't work out. Are they going to not have as much of an intense or sweet memory?

[Qboro90]

I guess there is something about being young and being in love is sweet. What that means is you will always have a soft spot for people you loved as a teen. Plus, everything seems to be more intense and a bigger deal at a younger age. I think it targets the "innocence" inside

 

So what is going to happen when a college girl meets a college guy, or even later into adulthood? And let's say those relationships don't work out. Are they going to not have as much of an intense or sweet memory?

 

Why don't you just wait and see for yourself? No one here can tell you how the people you meet, date, love, are going to remember or feel about you after it ends. That's specific and tailored to each individual person and couple. Don't think about it so much. Make the memories and enjoy them regardless of where you fall in the line of lovers.

[Got it]

Well I asked people on three different forums this question:

 

"You never forget first love...What does that mean?"

 

Got this reply from one

 

"No it means that no other ex can possibly invoke powerful enough memories to fade away the memories of the first love.

The idea is you could easily forget about some loves you had if you loved a lot of different persons at a lot of different occasions. An emphasis is placed on the first because, supposedly when you loved for the first time you were grown enough to realize that was a whole new warm feeling inside you, and you're too old to forget such a nice experience.

Disclaimer: I do not believe this saying works for everyone. I think you could easily forget first love if you started to love early or slightly."

 

The second one from a different site:

 

"You can forget people you loved. Your memories only have a certain amount of space. After a while if you don't think about a certain person or memory the memory will fade till it is gone.

 

If you only love 3-4 people in your life, then sure you will remember them all. But what if you love 30-40? After you have been in love at least 5 times you should realize that love is not unique or mystical that only happens once in life. It can happen once a year at least. If you are unlucky in love and have a new person you love every year for your life... that's easily 70+ years...

 

So yes, you never forget your first love is true, as you could forget your second, third, or any in between."

 

It's not a coincidence I received this answer on two different sites.

 

I mean it's hard to absorb this. It makes me want to crawl in a hole and die.

 

Well no you don't get amnesia for goodness sakes. I mean you remember the person. But the breath of emotions, no, many don't. There are some that like to live in the past and for them I am sure they continue to kindle the flames but that is neither healthy or productive.

 

I still cannot figure out why this upsets you so? Maybe once you have loved a few people you will see it really isn't that big of a deal. I feel like you are trying to hurt yourself on this and keep imagining worst case scenarios to make it happen. I would spend your time questioning why THAT is instead.

 

Having had a more robust and long term "love" from my first than many who are going to answer you, I will tell you that while of course I can't forget him, the breath of emotions, the feeling of the emotions are long faded in my memory. I have some memory of the first year and what it was like but it is an old and dusty memory that takes some conjuring to even begin to drum up.

 

In my much younger years, I would have waxed poetic about "the one that got away", the bad boy, etc. I had strong feelings for him. BUT what I learned as I got older, the feelings were those tied to an emotionally unavailable person, so it was the hot and cold that generated an amplified feeling tied to a dysfunctional individual. So at one point I would have sworn by feelings that a mature me realizes really weren't healthy emotions.

 

You are making yourself sick over something that doesn't warrant it. This is something you may want to talk to someone about to see if it is indicative of something else or what the issue is.

[loverage21]

Well no you don't get amnesia for goodness sakes. I mean you remember the person. But the breath of emotions, no, many don't. There are some that like to live in the past and for them I am sure they continue to kindle the flames but that is neither healthy or productive.

 

I still cannot figure out why this upsets you so? Maybe once you have loved a few people you will see it really isn't that big of a deal. I feel like you are trying to hurt yourself on this and keep imagining worst case scenarios to make it happen. I would spend your time questioning why THAT is instead.

 

Having had a more robust and long term "love" from my first than many who are going to answer you, I will tell you that while of course I can't forget him, the breath of emotions, the feeling of the emotions are long faded in my memory. I have some memory of the first year and what it was like but it is an old and dusty memory that takes some conjuring to even begin to drum up.

 

In my much younger years, I would have waxed poetic about "the one that got away", the bad boy, etc. I had strong feelings for him. BUT what I learned as I got older, the feelings were those tied to an emotionally unavailable person, so it was the hot and cold that generated an amplified feeling tied to a dysfunctional individual. So at one point I would have sworn by feelings that a mature me realizes really weren't healthy emotions.

 

You are making yourself sick over something that doesn't warrant it. This is something you may want to talk to someone about to see if it is indicative of something else or what the issue is.

 

But do you think the first relationship is remembered by how you made each other feel versus all the others are remember mainly by how they made you feel.

 

In other words, other relationships that come after the first are remembered more selfishly.

[lana-banana]

But do you think the first relationship is remembered by how you made each other feel versus all the others are remember mainly by how they made you feel.

 

In other words, other relationships that come after the first are remembered more selfishly.

 

No.

 

Please, for your own sake, stop obsessing over the importance of first loves and first experiences and such. In and of themselves they do not matter. They are only as important as you want them to be, and by ruminating this way you're doing yourself a world of harm.

 

You cannot control what this girl thinks of you. You have already driven her to the extreme of changing her number; if you contact her again, you may be in legal trouble. The only thing you can do at this point is put the experience behind you and move forward.

[loverage21]

No.

 

Please, for your own sake, stop obsessing over the importance of first loves and first experiences and such. In and of themselves they do not matter. They are only as important as you want them to be, and by ruminating this way you're doing yourself a world of harm.

 

You cannot control what this girl thinks of you. You have already driven her to the extreme of changing her number; if you contact her again, you may be in legal trouble. The only thing you can do at this point is put the experience behind you and move forward.

 

I am driving though her town right now just trying to find closure.

[lana-banana]

I am driving though her town right now just trying to find closure.

 

This is already a bad idea. However, if you must drive through her town, do not seek her out. Do not try to find her, her friends, or her relatives. Just proceed through, Honestly, you should leave immediately. You could be in very big trouble if her family finds out.

 

Closure isn't a place. It isn't an action. It's the mental acceptance that a certain phase of your life has ended.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I wonder if missing out on dating and relationships in your youth, for many years can screw a person up later once they finally do get a relationship

[loverage21]

I wonder if missing out on dating and relationships in your youth, for many years can screw a person up later once they finally do get a relationship

 

I have had that same theory for a long time.

 

It sort of sets us on a cycle of struggle and failure that continues to spiral out of control.

[Got it]

But do you think the first relationship is remembered by how you made each other feel versus all the others are remember mainly by how they made you feel.

 

In other words, other relationships that come after the first are remembered more selfishly.

 

I have answered this question for you. You just don't like my answer.

 

I think all relationships are measured the same way. Some people focus more on how they feel, others focus on how each party feels. It is going to vary by person.

 

How I felt the first time when I fell in love with my first husband/first love and how I felt falling in love with my second husband shared similar components but the second time was definitely more intense and more sustained. The sexual, intellectual, and just general attraction was far more intense and far more sustained. My second love, my current husband, is the relationship I will never forget. I appreciate the first one, definitely, we had so many wonderful times, but it was a more mild love, one based more on friendship. The second one was an adult love that both parties had a better handle of who they were, what sex was about, and the fireworks were . I see him as my equal and worthy of the match.

 

I appreciate my first love for the lessons I learned, for the experiences we had, etc. But it was not a litmus test for all others. It was sweet and nice but there are many great things to other loves. The first love you may accept things that you wouldn't otherwise because it is a new emotion. You settle potentially that with experience you learn not to settle for.

[Got it]

I am driving though her town right now just trying to find closure.

 

You are stalking. Stop! Please seek therapy, your behavior and thought processes are not healthy ones.

[loverage21]

I have answered this question for you. You just don't like my answer.

 

I think all relationships are measured the same way. Some people focus more on how they feel, others focus on how each party feels. It is going to vary by person.

 

How I felt the first time when I fell in love with my first husband/first love and how I felt falling in love with my second husband shared similar components but the second time was definitely more intense and more sustained. The sexual, intellectual, and just general attraction was far more intense and far more sustained. My second love, my current husband, is the relationship I will never forget. I appreciate the first one, definitely, we had so many wonderful times, but it was a more mild love, one based more on friendship. The second one was an adult love that both parties had a better handle of who they were, what sex was about, and the fireworks were . I see him as my equal and worthy of the match.

 

I appreciate my first love for the lessons I learned, for the experiences we had, etc. But it was not a litmus test for all others. It was sweet and nice but there are many great things to other loves. The first love you may accept things that you wouldn't otherwise because it is a new emotion. You settle potentially that with experience you learn not to settle for.

 

 

Can you explain this for me then?

 

 

This just makes me feel hopeless

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I have had that same theory for a long time.

 

It sort of sets us on a cycle of struggle and failure that continues to spiral out of control.

 

Ya, especially if people miss out on both their teens and 20's

[Got it]

Can you explain this for me then?

 

 

This just makes me feel hopeless

 

Explain what? One person agrees with you? Okay. So what?

 

Loverage, this is a subjective and individualized issue. Some people are ALWAYS going to romanticize past relationships. So people have very unhealthy reasons for doing so. Some people won't, some will be in between. Why don't you fall in love with a few people and see how it pans out for you? Instead of focusing on how YOU are viewed start looking at how you do and will view others.

 

You are only as much of a victim in this as you want to be. This is by far the most active pain shopping I have seen in a long time. You are trying to create something to feel bad about. Please seek therapy.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Ya my Aunt and her husband, who she married this year after dating for 7 years, say they sometimes wish they met 20 years earlier, both are in their 50's

[loverage21]

Why don't you just wait and see for yourself? No one here can tell you how the people you meet, date, love, are going to remember or feel about you after it ends. That's specific and tailored to each individual person and couple. Don't think about it so much. Make the memories and enjoy them regardless of where you fall in the line of lovers.

 

 

But does your young love experiences give you the most intense and sweetest memories? I mean do you tie your youth and your young love experiences together? Does it signify youth?

Edited October 31, 2015 by loverage21

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

But does your young love experiences give you the most intense and sweetest memories? I mean do you tie your youth and your young love experiences together? Does it signify youth?

 

ya because it seems to me that late teens and all of 20's, maybe a little bit of early 30's, are the prime years for dating and relationships, when sex is at its most pleasurable experience, sex drive is the highest and more sexual stamina, better orgasms, etc.