BlessYourHeart Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 My husband and I have been together for 6 years, and things have been anything but easy. We have a 10 year age difference (27, 37) and we have really bad arguments. I don't even recall fighting so badly in any of my previous relationships. When things get really bad the first thing I say is "Lets just get a divorce!" It's awful. I hate that I'm so quick to jump the gun, but in my head and heart, the fact that we are fighting means that it's not going to work out I feel crazy, and over overdramatic.. but at the time of saying I want a divorce, I mean it with my whole heart.. it's been the same song and dance for years. I say I want a divorce, he says I'm just throwing us away... blah blah, twist, turn..back together.. Aside from being immature I'm just looking for someone to give me some guidance on how to better navigate the arguments in my marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 You have to talk about stuff so t doesn't fester and you feel like exploding. Also make the fight about what the fight is about; not every fight should be a referendum on the relationship 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 you need to remove divorce from your vocabulary. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 you need to remove divorce from your vocabulary. Right. Unless you want to follow through 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Some times you have to just let it go. Every fight isn't worth fighting. Secondly stop crying wolf, yelling divorce at every turn starts to send the message that you want a divorce. Then your spouse will start to not care if they feel you just want out anyways. I get the feeling you use "divorce" to manipulate the fight and get him to back down. MC would be a good start, it honestly sounds like the two of you don't know how to communicate with one another. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Why are you guys fighting? Is it for legitimate reasons or for fun & games? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Two words - couple's therapy. You both need to learn how to fight. Yes, I said learn how to fight. There is an art to arguing believe it or not. All too often people lash out at their partners in the heat of the moment. They will say or do anything to get them to take notice like threatening divorce. It's a very personal and very emotional reaction based on their own fears. When couple's become accusatory it causes each of them to become defensive and when that happens no one is listening to anything the other is saying. Couples also need to learn to pick their battles. You can't pick a fight with your partner about every bloody thing. It's like the story "The Boy Who Cried Wolf". There is no way your partner will ever know what issues to take super serious if you're constantly finding fault and arguing about everything all the time. Besides, if you find yourself annoyed at everything, it's a red flag. That's when you know you have some major internal work that needs to be processed and usually that doesn't happen without some professional assistance. I have no idea what your arguing about. If it's considerable and pretty consistent and you're feeling like throwing in the towel then it's probably time to seek some professional help if only to say that you tried everything to save your marriage. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Honestly - I'm not sure if MC is the way to go. I think you need to figure out if you actually even want to be married to this guy. You have a very fatalistic attitude towards your marriage. Until you address that - nothing else can really change. I think you should spend some time in individual counseling to figure out if you really want this. And I mean REALLY. 100%. No shadow of a doubt. If you can get there then go the MC route and for f***'s sake never ever through out the divorce bomb unless you're asking for one. But you gotta make sure you're 100% committed to wanting to be married to this man. If not, you're just wasting his time and yours. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I will agree that individual therapy, if nothing else, is a really good idea. When I was eyeball deep in my unhappy marriage we were arguing A LOT and about pretty much everything and anything. In an effort to be dramatic and to be heard I would throw out the word divorce too. Did I mean it? In those moments I think I did or at least I was so f*cking frustrated with the merry-go-round of anger, frustration, resentment, unhappiness, sadness, fear etc., that was my marriage and my life that I would have said and done just about anything to put an end to it. When things calmed down the truth was I didn't want to really leave him or break up my family. What I wanted was for him to care, to hear me, work with me not against me and to fight for us. I tossed around divorce so much that eventually it didn't even phase him when I finally made the decision to end it for real. Granted, I was a hot mess back in those days and I take full responsibility for the part I play in the demise of my marriage including being overly dramatic and very emotional. Was it warranted? To some extent, yes, but I could have handled it better, much better. Looking back, it didn't help matters. Thankfully I did seek out individual therapy before we ever thought about couple's counselling and it helped me sort through my own closet of chaos. It took several years but I got stronger and clearer about what it was I wanted and didn't want and it helped a great deal when we started marriage therapy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Go to marriage counseling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 If you don't actually divorce him (like you haven't) then they are just empty words used to lash out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 What are a few items you fight about? Do you remember a few days later? How about one of those 2-3 day couples retreats ...there's one that costs $200 a weekend and held at hotels around the US. Have you a routine when you have a fight like he avoids/retreats etc. What are your patterns during the arguments besides your saying "let's get divorced" Do you both harbor resentments? Are you getting enough couple time away from it all? Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Family life marriage conference ...that's the couples retreat. Great program and there's a special section just for conflict resolution 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Find another way to address problems because one of these days he might actually give you one. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 You need to hold your tongue and stop saying the big D, because one day, he'll have had enough and he'll take you up on it. Get into MC to navigate through your issues and learn to communicate better. A true story My ex sister in law would do this when my brother told her he wasn't happy with areas of their relationship . He'd reached the end of his tether and he told my and our other brother, "I'm just waiting for the next time she says it and I'll be done". As you can guess, she said it and he filed for D. She was shocked out of her mind..but he wasn't having any of it. It was a constant threat.......like I'll do what I want and you have no choice..because you won't leave me. You can only push someone so far and despite the 10 year age gap, your husbavg will be able to find another woman easily.....so be very careful. My brother left, he's remarried and my niece and nephews love their step mother. My EX SIL phoned me devastated when he told her he was getting married. She'll regret it till the day she dies. Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 It was a constant threat.......like I'll do what I want and you have no choice..because you won't leave me. I can't begin to imagine what she must have done to get him to the point of D but it must have been quite something. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I can't begin to imagine what she must have done to get him to the point of D but it must have been quite something. She just refused to make an effort with the marriage, because....well she thought he would never divorce her with them having 3 kids. Over time he became resentful of the threat of divorce and I think pretty much everything she did irritated him. When you do that to someone, the love fades away. So in true fashion...the next time he said I'm not happy with xyz.....her standard response. ....let's get divorced if your not happy.....he said ok fine.....and she was stumped. ...because every other time she said it, it silenced him and the issues never got resolved and he remained unhappy. It's just abusive to keep doing that to someone. That's what could well happen to the OP. Your H will have enough of the threats one day and you'll be served. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 My husband and I have been together for 6 years, and things have been anything but easy. We have a 10 year age difference (27, 37) and we have really bad arguments. I don't even recall fighting so badly in any of my previous relationships. When things get really bad the first thing I say is "Lets just get a divorce!" It's awful. I hate that I'm so quick to jump the gun, but in my head and heart, the fact that we are fighting means that it's not going to work out ... Maybe you're saying that either because you're afraid that a fight means that the marriage can't or won't work, or because you want to avoid dealing with the issue you're arguing about. In a way, saying, "I want a divorce" is a way out for you, and avoidance of the issue itself. It might be that you're feeling- "I don't want to deal with this." Just an idea. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Re: Sandy's post...the same thing happened to a family member of mine. Every time they fought she'd throw it in his face. One day he said ok, get out! She admitted later she never thought he'd call her bluff. Sadly though, she does the exact same thing with her new husband. Never say anything that you aren't prepared to follow through on or have happen to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I'm not a therapist. But in my pre retirement world I dealt with far too many divorces. And learned that independent counseling (whether joint MC or sole IC can help) where arguing is the problem itself as it appears to be here. Are your arguments about the same subjects over and over again? Or are they about everything under the sun? Either way not too much fun. There are self help books about "fair fighting" that $10 investment might be a good place to start. From what you posted the arguments themselves rather than the underlying disagreement seem to be the problem. That's why counseling might help. Cheaper than divorce. Or if the fights are about "failings" of the other partner, you'll be able to dig towards the bottom of why you (both) feel that way. Two wrongs don't make a right, to misquote an old saying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Do you want a divorce? Is this explosion your true feeling or a hair trigger reaction? You say your marriage has problems. Are you happy with him? Do you love him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlessYourHeart Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 Some times you have to just let it go. Every fight isn't worth fighting. Secondly stop crying wolf, yelling divorce at every turn starts to send the message that you want a divorce. Then your spouse will start to not care if they feel you just want out anyways. I get the feeling you use "divorce" to manipulate the fight and get him to back down. MC would be a good start, it honestly sounds like the two of you don't know how to communicate with one another. I understand what you mean. I don't try to manipulate him so much as, I just want him to see that screaming and yelling like he does will cause him to lose his wife. MC is a very good option that I will explore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlessYourHeart Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 Why are you guys fighting? Is it for legitimate reasons or for fun & games? It really is over anything. I know that he's a good man but sometimes he takes things too far and he takes a lot of things out on me. He also blames me for a lot of things that he can do for himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlessYourHeart Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 Do you want a divorce? Is this explosion your true feeling or a hair trigger reaction? You say your marriage has problems. Are you happy with him? Do you love him? I don't want a divorce at all. I come from a broken family and we have a 4 year old son together. I just wish that I wasn't the person he takes his anger out on. I wish that he could talk to me without all of the cussing and yelling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlessYourHeart Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 She just refused to make an effort with the marriage, because....well she thought he would never divorce her with them having 3 kids. Over time he became resentful of the threat of divorce and I think pretty much everything she did irritated him. When you do that to someone, the love fades away. So in true fashion...the next time he said I'm not happy with xyz.....her standard response. ....let's get divorced if your not happy.....he said ok fine.....and she was stumped. ...because every other time she said it, it silenced him and the issues never got resolved and he remained unhappy. It's just abusive to keep doing that to someone. That's what could well happen to the OP. Your H will have enough of the threats one day and you'll be served. He has taken me up on it before, but backs down. There are times that I'd file in a heartbeat. Don't think I'm so big bad wife and he's the poor abused husband. He doesn't take me up on it, because he knows that he lets his anger get in the way and he's taken things to far. I sometimes say the D word, so that he can see, that he will lose his family because of his actions. I'd like to find other ways to show him that, aside from packing my bags and leaving him for calling me names and cussing me out infront of our child. So while I'm sure you believe I'm some abusive scumbag, you will see there is much more to the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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