How do I break through my victim mentality

[SpiralOut]

I'm feeling really stuck right now. Sorry if this is long. I am trying to keep it as short as I can.

 

 

Here's an overview of all that has happened in the past few years. It is why I can't (or feel like I can't) pick myself off the floor and do what needs to be done. About 6 years ago I was working a warehouse job. I had finished my undergrad degree and realized I didn't want to work in my field of study. Not knowing what else to do, I went back to college while working part-time. It was a one year program. During this time, I was living with a boyfriend. He had a diagnosed mental illness. He wasn't as stable as I thought he was. He was incapable of pulling his own weight, and it was me doing everything. It was exhausting. I dealt with that while going to college. At the end of the program I graduated and foolishly quit my part-time job, thinking I could get work right away from my work placement. I did not get a job for 7 months. I supported myself with money I had set aside the previous year. Around this time, the relationship with my boyfriend ended - badly. I ended up taking care of the financial and legal details, as he was in no position to deal with it himself. At the same time, I was scrambling to find full-time work. I did have jobs but they were temporary and I needed something with higher pay.

 

 

So then I got a job in my new field, which made me happy at first. I slowly got my finances back in order and started to meet new people. I felt optimistic about the future. At the same time, I felt bad about myself. I wondered if something was wrong with me for dating a mentally ill person. I had very little social support at this time. Then I had a crazy situation with a woman at work which prompted me to come onto LS in the first place. The main conclusions from everyone on LS (and myself) is that she was an extremely immature and jealous woman who targeted me and took things out on me. That situation really shook me up. In fact, she reminded me somewhat of my mother, and I realized that I have problems with my mother.

 

 

Onto the next chapter in my life where I dealt with my mother problems. I was extremely angry. I realized I was a doormat and began to become more assertive. It was really hard work and I didn't always handle things well. I exploded at people and really struggled to manage my anger. I came to realize that many of my problems are due to my childhood. I was emotionally abused by a narcissistic parent. It has affected my self-esteem, which has affected the choices I make in life. I never did half of what I wanted to do and COULD HAVE done if only I believed in myself. I'm not sure how much time I spent - maybe 2-3 years - mourning my childhood, the mother I never had, the person I never got to be. I stayed single most of that time while I worked on myself. I am only now beginning to accept and come to peace with some of what happened.

 

 

While all this was happening I was still at my job. I realized about 6 months into it that was a toxic environment. Instead of leaving I stayed. I guess I stayed because everything else in my life felt unstable and I wanted to keep at least one thing constant. I was scared of change even though my situation was toxic. I felt stressed out and angry at myself the whole time. I tried to not let it get to me but it has affected me. When people treat you as if you are worthless and stupid long enough (4 years for me), eventually some part of you starts to believe it even if you know it's not true. This might sound dramatic but I truly am not the same person that I used to be before I started that job.

 

 

Last month I quit my toxic job. I am living with my boyfriend who treats me really well. He is my main support. I have several casual friends, but nobody close. I am still working on myself. I have a self-esteem book that I'm working through. I have discovered a spiritual path that works for me. I do a lot of introspection. I write in a journal every morning.

 

 

No matter what I do I feel like a victim. I need to look for a new job right now and I have such anxiety about it that I can't concentrate on it. I sit down to update my resume and I can't. I start to apply for jobs and stop halfway through the online applications. I'm worried about letting down my boyfriend. I don't want to become a burdensome woman who sits around with no job prospects because she can't stop feeling sorry for herself. But I do. I feel sorry for myself. I am always telling myself "I can't" and "I'm too tired" and "it's too hard for me" and "what's the point." I know that I shouldn't but I can't stop. I feel like it's too late for me to make something of myself, that I screwed up massively, and everything is pointless. In certain ways I feel stronger, but when it comes to my career I feel weak and useless and I hate it.

 

 

Anyway, if you read all that, I guess I'm just asking for general advice. Please don't suggest self-help books though because I have dozens of them sitting around already and they don't seem to be helping. I don't know what is wrong with me. I used to be able to apply for jobs and feel confident in myself, and I was good at school. Now I feel like some part of me was destroyed and I can't fix it.

 

 

In case anyone asks, I was seeing a counsellor then I stopped because it was difficult to get time off of work to go in for appointments. I can look into returning but it will likely take a month, maybe longer for me to start again so until then I need to somehow start functioning again.

Edited October 21, 2015 by SpiralOut

[Justanaverageguy]

I'm going to come at this from a bit of a neuro-science perspective. I'm sure others here can give you tips on a more emotional level but this might be a more scientific approach that can help.

 

In neuro science what we call habit is essentially just a repeated pattern of thinking. Consistently thinking a set pattern of thoughts makes the brain establish strong neural pathways to support that pattern of thinking. As you repeatedly think the same thoughts the pathways become stronger - the thinking pattern becomes easier and easier to follow. As the path of least resistance it becomes the default path your thinking will follow. If given enough time it can even become a subconscious belief or action your not even aware you are doing.

 

The best analogy I can give you is to equate your thinking patterns to walking through an uncleared jungle / forrest. The first time you go you must clear a path - which is hard work and requires significant conscious effort to establish a path. Subsequent journey's through that forest it becomes easier to take the same route as its already been partially cleared. Each time you take that same path - it becomes more and more established and easier to follow. This is how your brain works. This is why its difficult when you first learn a new task but becomes easier and almost automatic with practice. The same goes for emotional thinking and the conscious and unconscious beliefs we hold about ourselves.

 

To change the way you think, behave and what you choose to believe about yourself and your situation - requires consistent "retraining" of your brain to establish a new thought pattern. Given enough repetition you can clear a new more positive path ..... and let the old negative pathway weaken. Letting the plants "regrow" so it's no longer your easiest path to follow. The human brain has what scientists call neural plasticity which means it can literally restructure itself and establish new pathways and thinking patterns over the course of your life.

 

So how do you do this ? There are many good methods. Self help books you said you didn't like ..... but consistently reading, watching or listening to positive, uplifting and emotionally stimulating inputs like motivational speakers etc will help. Additionally removing negative non stimulating inputs such as trashy gossip mags, junk TV shows and negative news reports etc etc also help to remove the negative stimulus which can trigger these types of thoughts.

 

Additionally there are things you can do to make your brain more susceptible to "retraining" and "learning". Example first thing in the morning after awakening and at night immediately before falling asleep your brain waves enter into "Alpha" state. This brain wave state is associated with Hypnosis and meditation and is highly conducive to retraining subconscious beliefs and behaviors. Listening to motivational tapes, music and affirmations for 15mins every morning and evening right before and after sleep is a great way to reprogram your subconscious mind. You can take this idea further and can do whats called "brainwave entrainment" with music or meditation to achieve the same state during the day. Further along that line you could also see a hypnotist who basically specialize in subconscious brain retraining.

 

I'm sure others will give you more ideas but what ever you choose to do the key is consistency. To remove an ingrained thought pattern or belief system you hold since childhood can quite a bit of time and effort to remove - but you can do it if you are willing to put in the effort.

[SpiralOut]

So how do you do this ? There are many good methods. Self help books you said you didn't like ..... but consistently reading, watching or listening to positive, uplifting and emotionally stimulating inputs like motivational speakers etc will help. Additionally removing negative non stimulating inputs such as trashy gossip mags, junk TV shows and negative news reports etc etc also help to remove the negative stimulus which can trigger these types of thoughts.

 

Additionally there are things you can do to make your brain more susceptible to "retraining" and "learning". Example first thing in the morning after awakening and at night immediately before falling asleep your brain waves enter into "Alpha" state. This brain wave state is associated with Hypnosis and meditation and is highly conducive to retraining subconscious beliefs and behaviors. Listening to motivational tapes, music and affirmations for 15mins every morning and evening right before and after sleep is a great way to reprogram your subconscious mind. You can take this idea further and can do whats called "brainwave entrainment" with music or meditation to achieve the same state during the day. Further along that line you could also see a hypnotist who basically specialize in subconscious brain retraining.

 

I'm sure others will give you more ideas but what ever you choose to do the key is consistency. To remove an ingrained thought pattern or belief system you hold since childhood can quite a bit of time and effort to remove - but you can do it if you are willing to put in the effort.

 

 

Those are good ideas, so obvious in fact that I can't believe I did not think of it myself, haha. My background is in psychology and neuroscience was my favourite area to study; I even thought of changing my major to it.

 

 

Some of my thought patterns come from childhood but I think some of them are newer than that and come from spending too many years in a negative work environment. I spend way too much time re-hashing the nasty things that people had said or done to me.

 

 

I found some interviews with Eckhart Tolle (author of power of now) on youtube last night and listened to it before bed then again when I woke up. I will try and listen to something like that every day.

[Nikki Sahagin]

You've been through quite a lot of stressful experiences very close together. It is very easy to feel like a victim. In fact, IMO, it is okay to feel sorry for yourself for a short while but you can't stay there.

 

 

By thinking like a victim, you will only attract powerlessness into your life. Right now, you need to empower yourself. Take a degree of responsibility for past failings. Part of why things went wrong is because you were learning and to learn we have to make a pigs ear out of some things. Also, some of it was circumstances beyond your control which you couldn't alter or change but you don't need to be a victim of these things. You have taken yourself out of toxic environments so that's a great step. The fact that you didn't stay there shows that you are NOT a victim.

 

 

If possible, try to cultivate at least one habit that helps you to empower yourself:

 

 

- A class or sport

- Go for a run

- Meditate

- Do a therapeutic hobby i.e. art

- Just act, don't think. Send the job application no matter how bad you feel

- If possible book a short break

- Have a candlelit bath

- Listen to a song that motivates you

 

 

I know all this is very basic, but if you can find something on the list or from your own head that helps you feel motivated and strong, just do it

[SpiralOut]

Yes that's right, I need to empower myself. There are things I need to do to, yet I avoid them, which makes me feel powerless. I'm used to things going wrong so now I'm afraid to try anymore.

 

 

Quitting my job was the most empowering thing I've done in a long time. I knew it was the right thing to do. So what now? I am free to do almost anything now and I'm worried about making the wrong choice...I spend sooo much time trying to figure out what to do next and I still don't know. I wish I could find something that I feel certain about.

 

 

I guess for now I will start my "to do" list. I'll start with small things, and then go from there...