not going to be popular ...why does she want me around?

[therearenorules]

I work in a restaurant. About a year ago I started having feelings for a married woman who is my boss and my friend of five years. We spend a lot of time together.

 

Just before Christmas I almost quit because I had such a huge crush on her. I started avoiding her, not staying after work for a glass of wine. She asked if I was mad at her...I told her I had a crush on her. She naturally was flattered, but reiterated her marital status. My feelings did not subside and a couple of months ago I wrote her a very intense love letter and gave it to her in the middle of one of our shifts. At the end of the evening she confronted me and asked what she was to think of it. She said even if she was single she probably wouldn't entertain changing our friendship. I told her that it was her company that I enjoyed more than anything.

 

For the next couple of weeks we stayed late every night at work, taking turns making dinner, drinking wine, and talking all night...then one night she said she couldn't help but feel she was hanging out with me for the wrong reasons. I shook my head in the no no no motion, as she said can't we just hug for a while, and got up of her chair and jumped on top of me.

 

Well needless to say the inevitable happened, and for the next couple of weeks we had this intense push and pull, yes we can, no we can't physical relationship. I don't believe she has done this before. After a couple of weeks she puts an end to it. I decide to leave work and write a resignation letter. She locks herself in the bathroom crying. I change my mind and stay.

 

We keep going out to restaurants and carrying on a little bit. Then one day she calls from home and says her and her husband had to put their pet of 12 years down. She doesn't come to work for a couple of days and when she returns I am sensitive to her loss. A week or so passes and she tells me what had happened between us never should of. I tell her that I am madly in love with her and promptly quit again. She asks me not to. About a week later I change my mind and ask if I can stay. She says yes and UN-hires the person she had hired to replace me.

 

In the space of a month I have gone from intense overwhelming feelings of pleasure, to these incredible waves of despair that I am feeling right now. Am I going to be able to work with her? How do I separate our friendship from our romance. Will I keep loving her?and lastly....Why would she want me around still?

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. In the space of a month I have gone from intense overwhelming feelings of pleasure, to these incredible waves of despair that I am feeling right now.

2. Am I going to be able to work with her?

3. How do I separate our friendship from our romance.

4. Will I keep loving her?

5. and lastly....Why would she want me around still?

 

1. Welcome to the world of infatuation and affairs. Its a rollercoaster that always ends with a jarring halt for at least one party involved. The very nature of this sort of relationship feeds the emotional fragility and instability that defines it.

2. Probably not - as long as there are unknowns, and your relationship with her is as unstable as it is (unlike long-term affairs with their own established set of 'workplace rules'), you and she will continue to interpret and misinterpret everything right now - jumping at shadows... your feelings for one another will be the big gigantic elephant sitting at table 4 that you can walk around and try to ignore, but won't be able to.

3. Your friendship died the second your crush started, so there's nothing to separate. You may be able to establish a friendship with her after this dies down, but the friendship you had is gone. You will have to 'un-love' her and 'un-want' her, and clear your head of all romantic/sexual notions before you have the clarity of mind to truly be 'just friends'.

4. As long as she is showing you any hint of affection or attraction, I expect that you will. If you were to quit and go solid 'no contact' with her for six months, I expect you'll see where your heart really is in terms of her.

5. Because she needs you to continue to fulfill a narrow and specific set of needs. The type of love she gets from her husband is not the hot, passionate crush/infatuation type of love she gets from you. I don't expect she is ready to give that up just yet. She isn't doing it for your benefit, though - you could pretty much put money down on that fact.

 

You have a choice: continue to allow yourself to be used to fill a meager and narrow set of needs (basically be space filler for what H doesn't do for her), in order to do what you think is best for her - or... quit your job, go 'no contact' for six months to clear your head and get some clarity in order to decide what is best for you.

[therearenorules]

Thank you so much for your response. It is refreshing to have someone with such lucid thoughts tell it how it is. I'm still a little confused as to why if our affair is over that she would still want me around...I mean if its done wouldn't she want me as far away as possible? If she going to fix things with her husband, as she says, isn't it better for her if I am not in constant contact with her? I know that you will say it doesn't matter what she thinks, its what's best for me that matters, but I can't help but be curious.

[LucreziaBorgia]

She may be willing to distance herself from your relationship, but that doesn't mean she won't keep you around for an ego boost and attention. If she is making a point of keeping you around, pretty much any interaction that doesn't interfere with her relationship with her H will be allowed and accepted. Your worth to her lies in how good you can make her feel about herself, while posing no threat to the comfort and security of her marriage.

[FolderWife]

You need to leave that job. She cares for you, but she loves her husband. He may be neglecting some of her needs, but she still loves him. You don't have anyone else, so you feel more intensly towards her.

 

You need to leave that job.

 

It's just like what I said when a guy I had potential to have an affair with asked me, "Do you want to stop" (meaning do I want to stop flirting around)

 

I said, "hmmm...well, I know I should, but I don't want to. So since I don't want to, even though I know I should, I probably won't."

 

Two days later, I was in my husband's arms, and I fell in love with him all over again, and this other guy was a faint memory.

 

So...she knows she should stop hanging out with you, for the sake of her marriage...but she doesn't want to, because her relationship is missing that spark that new relationships (like yours) have. That's all you are...a spark.

[bicyclejunk]

leave the job. I know from personal experience, you

have to leave the job. It sucks, it's an inconvenience,

but you'll need to find another job.

 

It's too confusing and weird to stay there. Leave the job,

even if it hurts her and gather your thoughts. the Push and

pull will continue if you don't be the MAN and leave.

 

Who knows, maybe she'll leave her husband and find you.

You guys are both walking on pretty thin ice. Be careful, think

about what's right. Don't get yourself mixed up in trouble or some

co-worker finding out and it getting back to the husband. you shoul;d

really cut-clean for right now.

[Sal Paradise]

You knew she was married and pursued it anyways. How would you feel if you were married and some guy pursued your wife? There is no excuse for such horrible behavior. Yes it takes two to tango but that doesn't mean she has to tango with you. Have some dignity, have some self control. You're not a victim of impulses and feelings. You're a grown man who needs to grow up.

[therearenorules]

You are so right...but my initial plan was to leave my job 7 months ago and NEVER tell her how I felt. When she asked I didn't want to lie to her. I do need to grow up and my behaviour has been rather pathetic, but I really don't want to run away either. I just want this feeling of Super-Depression to go away. I am not proud of ANY of this.

[therearenorules]

Needless to say she ended our affair in the summer. It was very difficult to continue working with her...I have never been so depressed. Then in the fall we kind of started up again, I'm not entirely sure why...but I couldn't take it any more and yes I finally left my job and moved a couple of hundred miles away. It has been two months since I have seen her and I am still miserable. We have talked on the phone a couple of times and she says she is missing me at work (we were the best team ever!!!) and that she really misses our friendship...whatever that means.

 

I want us to be friends, but I miss her romantically so very much...I can't believe that at 41 years old I am feeling like this...what's wrong with me?

 

How long am I going to feel like this?

 

Should I stop calling her?

 

Why do I still want her?

 

I'm going crazy!!!

 

Someone please give me some advice!!!