Concerns and questions

[debtman]

Was on here a lot (divorce and separation forum) during my divorce 5-6 years ago and got some incredibly helpful advice and input and my ex and I are able to be civil and fair with each other and the kids are benefiting greatly from that.

 

Anyway, I'm almost 3 years into a relationship with the most amazing woman I've ever met, and am entirely caught up in the relationship and madly in love. I've ordered a custom engagement ring and am looking for the perfect proposal opportunity.

 

I've never been a jealous person and I've always been very self-confident. But, I find myself getting extremely jealous and insecure when it comes to her. We're both very social people and find ourselves in lots of different social settings and I get super jealous just seeing her talk and laugh with other guys and hearing her tell me about this "great guy" she was talking to about something at work, etc. I know it's ridiculous, and I try to rationalize that it's my own insecurity. We're both very outgoing, often find ourselves in situations where we're "selling" to members of the opposite sex for our jobs and it's just part of how we deal with anyone. She's told me she feels the same way when she sees me talking with/hanging out with other women.

 

She was married for 15 years and went through a "wild" period after her ex cheated on her and went through a slew of STR and one-night stands and did lots of drinking. She's told me some of the stories (when I've asked) about some of the more risque things she's done and bad situations she's ended up in.

 

I've never been one for one night stands and never had the sort of experiences she has (although I'm sure I would have, if the opportunity had presented itself) so I sometimes feel like I'm not as adventurous/dominating as she might like.

 

I think my jealousy is a combination of the fact that I was hurt and cheated on by my ex, along with the fact that my gf is extremely attractive, smart, successful and, I feel, out of my league. I've told her this before and she reassures me that I'm the perfect person for her, she tells me how amazing, funny, smart, caring, etc. I am and that being with me makes her want to be a better person...all great stuff.

 

We've been together almost 3 years, have never had a fight, can talk about ANYTHING, the sex is unbelievable and only seems to be getting better, we both have outside activities and interests, our kids all get along and like the other person, etc.

 

She does quite a bit of travel for work, meets with clients, takes them out to dinner/drinks, etc.

 

She came home last night from an after hours event with a bunch of co-workers and had obviously had way too much to drink. I put her to bed and this morning had a short talk with her about driving and how nervous I was about her decision to drive instead of calling me. She apologized for her bad decision. She's normally just a social drinker, but, when she drinks wine she has a tendency to overdo it and can get WAY to drunk very fast. So drunk that she blacks out and hardly even realized last night when I was taking her clothes off and getting her to bed.

 

As I put her to bed, I couldn't help thinking that it would be so easy for one of her co-workers or clients to think she was flirting with them, give her an extra drink or two, help her back to her room and take advantage of her...and she might not even remember it or be aware.

 

I guess the reason I'm writing this is to get some perspective and maybe some input on how to deal with my feelings and if there's anything we can do for each other to help. Obviously, the drinking is an issue, but all I can do is express my concern and hope she makes better decisions as far as that goes.*

 

Just wanted to throw this out to see if there were red flags that I'm missing, things to look out for, etc.

 

Thanks in advance for any insight

[carhill]

IMO, work specifics. The night out with friends where the drinking apparently got excessive is a good place to start.

 

How did you feel about that experience?

 

What would you like to happen to address those feelings?

 

How do you communicate that to her?

[qubist]

Do not leave any feeling hidden, communicate everything with her. Yes you are insecure, but that's OK. Tell her that you are jealous, and what happened to both of you in the past wasn't easy to digest. If she really loves you and cares she will help.

Talk to her

[debtman]

I know she has lots of events like this and, when I can, I love going to them with her. I had my kids last night, so i couldn't. Lots of opportunities for networking, new business, etc. I love being with her when she's talking to people, working the room, etc. She's very good at what she does. I know there's drinking at these events and she's usually very good about pacing herself. Sometimes she gets carried away.

More troublesome to me is that I feel jealous in the most unassuming circumstances. She was giving her uncle a hug the other day and I felt myself getting upset. She was talking about having lunch with a speaker from a recent event she was at the next time she's traveling to where he is and I could feel the jealousy...

I feel she's as in love with me as I am with her. I trust her and have never seen her be anything but honest with everyone. But I'm not sure how to deal with the irrational jealousy.

I've talked with her about it and she's expressed the same thing to me on occasion.

I'm not sure what can be done about the jealousy since it stems from my own insecurity...

Suggestions?

[S2B]

I'm unsure why you feel you need to marry her...?

 

You have significant concerns for her poor decisions (driving drunk, blackouts)

 

I wouldn't marry her. Keep her separate and just date her.

 

I get the feeling she lives with you...why?

[qubist]

I'm unsure why you feel you need to marry her...?

 

You have significant concerns for her poor decisions (driving drunk, blackouts)

 

I wouldn't marry her. Keep her separate and just date her.

 

I get the feeling she lives with you...why?

 

Not necessary true. I thinks he is so insecure and he needs to work on that. He felt bad after a hug from her uncle!!! He needs to seek professional help

[debtman]

Lol... Yes, I probably could benefit from some counseling I haven't dealt with insecurity in years. Even when my ex was cheating on me I was more angry about what she was doing to our kids vs what she was doing with this other guy. Not sure if it's because I was dropped by my ex or if it's just because I'm so crazy about my gf. I was shocked myself when I felt jealous about her uncle... Totally irrational...

As far as why I want to marry her, I know she wants to be married again... I said for years that i would never get married again... Until i met her... Really didn't think there was anyone like her out there and fall more in love with her everyday. She's had a few bad drinking moments in 3 years, I've had a few myself, but we've always been there to look after each other in the past.

And we don't live together yet. We've talked about moving in together in the next year or two... And, if I propose, the wedding won't take place for another year or two as well...

Thanks for the questions and advice... Great stuff to think about...

[qubist]

Lol... Yes, I probably could benefit from some counseling I haven't dealt with insecurity in years. Even when my ex was cheating on me I was more angry about what she was doing to our kids vs what she was doing with this other guy. Not sure if it's because I was dropped by my ex or if it's just because I'm so crazy about my gf. I was shocked myself when I felt jealous about her uncle... Totally irrational...

As far as why I want to marry her, I know she wants to be married again... I said for years that i would never get married again... Until i met her... Really didn't think there was anyone like her out there and fall more in love with her everyday. She's had a few bad drinking moments in 3 years, I've had a few myself, but we've always been there to look after each other in the past.

And we don't live together yet. We've talked about moving in together in the next year or two... And, if I propose, the wedding won't take place for another year or two as well...

Thanks for the questions and advice... Great stuff to think about...

I hope you didn't take my comment as an insult, no pun intended, you are deeply insecure which should be you are main concern,

you love her and somewhere in the back of your mind a had allowed a fear to grow, it could be a fear of loosing her or fear of never finding some one like her. you need to start by stopping all these negative thoughts. jealousy is a normal behavior, it's in our DNA, do not fight it nobody can beat it it would exhaust your energy and depress you more if you do. instead act upon it:

1- be clear with her and honest, without offending her, just put it in a way that you are asking for her help.

2- keep all negative thoughts away. dude when you felt bad that she hugged her uncle you should look at yourself in the mirror and say REALLY!!

3- if you can get an individual counseling do it, once you feel strong you will see the difference between being jealous and insecure.

Edited October 21, 2015 by qubist

[Penguins]

It sounds like you have both discussed this and began the process of working through it. It is so good that you are both open. One of the pp's mentioned that your past is playing into this as you mentioned. You have "fear buttons" that she is pushing (unknowingly). Do you think you can think through what those buttons are? Help her to understand the things that she does that push those buttons. (no fault) I know when my husband pushes my buttons, now that I know what they are, I calm down, realizing the issue is mine, not his. If there is something that he can change or modify to help me cope, he makes a really good effort. Marriage and relationships really are about teamwork. You guys have a great start, keep it going. Maybe premarital counseling might be an option. Especially since you both are bringing pasts into the marriage. A counselor can help you identify where problems might be. Think of it as "preventative" rather than going to a counselor because you have a problem. Counseling can often be so confirming and helpful.

[debtman]

qubist, yes, I was shocked when she hugged her uncle and I felt jealous. I was even shocked when I felt jealous when she talks about other men she admires/looks up to. I know, logically, that it's an irrational feeling and I'm not sure why I'm feeling it. Haven't typically been a jealous person. I used to let my ex go visit her male friends in her college town for the weekend without thinking too much about it. In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have been quite as encouraging with her to hang out with other guys...maybe that's part of my issue. But yes, talking about it is key. I want to broach the subject with her, but I don't want to come off as needy or weak. I'll have to think about how to approach it.

 

Penguins, yes, I think marital counseling is a great idea and I'll bring that up with her...after the proposal I like the idea of identifying fear buttons. I'll try to focus on those for the next few weeks so we can work through them.