LucidaConsole Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Hi, I am a single woman with a couple of guy friends. First guy is just a friend; we hang out, have lunch, etc...and yes, by mutual agreement, we have NSA sex. He has repeatedly said "Don't fall for me", "Don't get feelings", etc..(which I had no intentions of doing btw). He has teased me about other guys liking me, that sort of thing, which is cool. We share a mutual friend who I also hang out with, though I wasn't sleeping with this guy until very recently. I really like this guy and decided to tell first friend that I wasn't going to sleep with him anymore as I want to see where this goes. I was expecting first guy to shrug and basically say "ok, that's fine" but he blew up like we are bf and gf and he caught me cheating on him. I don't understand it, to be honest. Am I in the wrong here? I mean, all of us are single, first guy constantly brought up the fact he wanted casual relationship only and if I found someone, to just let him know, yet when I do, I'm a jackass? Any input appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 I guess he had the impression that you were totally his, and to find out you did find someone his poor ego got hurt. If I were you, I would just cut him out of your life and move on. If you keep in contact it's going to cause all kinds of problems down the road. No guy wants to hear about his future GF still keeping in touch with a F uck buddy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 What were his stated grounds for butthurt? If he was a secret feelings guy trying to have his cake, it should've been pretty obvs he didn't have a leg to stand on and that it was a really dumb play. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveRefreshed Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 sounds like the idiot thought reverse psychology would work (women want what they can't have so 'don't fall in love with me' was a clear sign that he wants it) and now is pissed that it didn't. Slightly less intentional, Sounds like he may have been the idiot to fall in love. I have a huge ego.. As soon as I care about a girl emotionally, I need to be the only one or I have to split. Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 sounds like the idiot thought reverse psychology would work (women want what they can't have so 'don't fall in love with me' was a clear sign that he wants it) and now is pissed that it didn't. Slightly less intentional, Sounds like he may have been the idiot to fall in love. I have a huge ego.. As soon as I care about a girl emotionally, I need to be the only one or I have to split. Interesting point. So does ego=jealousy then? Or just sometimes? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LucidaConsole Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 sounds like the idiot thought reverse psychology would work (women want what they can't have so 'don't fall in love with me' was a clear sign that he wants it) and now is pissed that it didn't. Slightly less intentional, Sounds like he may have been the idiot to fall in love. I have a huge ego.. As soon as I care about a girl emotionally, I need to be the only one or I have to split. Thanks everyone... I was kind of wondering this too, because we are all friends on social media and first guy keeps posting digs at me like I was unfaithful or something. I don't respond and I think I'm going to take the advice above and just cut loose which is too bad because I do like him as a friend. I do feel bad though, it just was so unexpected. I actually thought he would be happy for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LucidaConsole Posted October 21, 2015 Author Share Posted October 21, 2015 What were his stated grounds for butthurt? If he was a secret feelings guy trying to have his cake, it should've been pretty obvs he didn't have a leg to stand on and that it was a really dumb play. Because guy number 2 is also a friend of his. Even though he knew we were also hanging out and doing things, it didn't upset him until I said I was going to stop sleeping with him and we also had no agreement about not going out with any friends. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Because guy number 2 is also a friend of his. Even though he knew we were also hanging out and doing things, it didn't upset him until I said I was going to stop sleeping with him and we also had no agreement about not going out with any friends. You go girl!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Well, if I were having NSA sex with a friend, and she told me that she was going to switch to my mate instead of me... I would probably be a bit hurt and pissed too. I suspect you would be the same. If having sex with a friend, he tells you he is going to start seeing your girl-friend instead of you, how would you feel? Call it what you will, it's human nature I guess. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 it's not out of love or jealousy. It's purely ego. Some guys think they're so damned great in the sack that a woman wouldn't even dream of needing to get it elsewhere. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I think the lesson here is that even though we might agree on no strings attached feelings do nevertheless develop even if we don't realise it or admit it, and that therefore situations like yours need to be handled with tact and discretion, on the assumption that the person may feel more than he admits even to himself. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 No two humans can ever guarantee to not get attached... so NSA sex is a cross your fingers and hope to not get attached proposition. When sex robots come out, then we can have true NSA sex. But like others have said, he can't have his cake and eat it too. If he's attached to you and doesn't want to lose you, he needs to let you know he values you for more. Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 (edited) It's an unspoken rule. You don't **** your friends FWB/EX/Romantic pursuit. Unless they had a talk, he feels his trust has been violated. It's one thing if it was some random, but no, it's his FRIEND. So now every time he sees his friend, or you, he gets to be reminded of that. Even if it was just FWB, emotions still get involved. One thing glares out there to me, he said casual relationship. In essence, I think I can see that he views you dumping him for his friend. Ouch. Edited October 22, 2015 by PaperCrane Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Even if he is very hurt, that does not mean he wants you as his LTR girlfriend. Something about you does not suit him, or else he would have wanted you for a serious partner. And that something, that deal breaker for him, is still there. That hasn't changed. Better not have contact so he won't feel more hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LucidaConsole Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 It's an unspoken rule no, i'm not buying that. If there is an issue you're going to have a problem with, i.e. me dating your friend, sack up like a grown man and say something instead of passively-aggressively getting ticked off about it after the fact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LucidaConsole Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 it's not out of love or jealousy. It's purely ego. Some guys think they're so damned great in the sack that a woman wouldn't even dream of needing to get it elsewhere. I hadn't thought of this, but I think you might have nailed it. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 it's not out of love or jealousy. It's purely ego. Some guys think they're so damned great in the sack that a woman wouldn't even dream of needing to get it elsewhere. 100% ego. if you read stories about open relationships, which I followed many of them,male ego is the main failure factor. and this is in an open relationship where a couple agree to seek other lovers but still in many cases some men find it hard that a woman would chose another male. It shatters their egos. LucidaConsole: you shouldn't feel bad about your decision to sleep with the other guy, you were honest with both of them and made your choice, he is feeling bad but there is nothing he could blame you for, he will get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 no, i'm not buying that. If there is an issue you're going to have a problem with, i.e. me dating your friend, sack up like a grown man and say something instead of passively-aggressively getting ticked off about it after the fact. That statement invalidates itself. If something is an unspoken rule he shouldn't have to bring it up. The reason he is upset is because this type of behavior is divisive and ruins friendships. He's super pissed beyond normal because you're ****ing his friend. Any other evidence you'd like? QED Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 OP said: ...by mutual agreement, we have NSA sex. He has repeatedly said "Don't fall for me", "Don't get feelings", etc....constantly brought up the fact he wanted casual relationship only and if I found someone, to just let him know.... Then someone replied: .....If something is an unspoken rule he shouldn't have to bring it up. The reason he is upset is because this type of behavior is divisive and ruins friendships. He's super pissed beyond normal because you're ****ing his friend..... So, the F*** buddy in question insisted on NSA, but secretly nurtured an unagreed strings in his heart. Well, that's why he's upset. Sounds like an idiot to me (like anyone else relying on "unwritten rules" that directly contradict the explicit agreement). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 He has repeatedly said "Don't fall for me", "Don't get feelings", etc..(which I had no intentions of doing btw). sounds like he was projecting onto you the opposite of what he was really feeling. Now he got caught out. No, you're not a jackass. You're single and agreed to not get feelings or fall for him. He cant' have it both ways. Cut him loose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 100% ego. if you read stories about open relationships, which I followed many of them,male ego is the main failure factor. and this is in an open relationship where a couple agree to seek other lovers but still in many cases some men find it hard that a woman would chose another male. It shatters their egos. . there's another thread in this section that speaks directly to this. The wife found a guy she's nuts over and the guy is miffed because he can't get anyone's attention. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 So, the F*** buddy in question insisted on NSA, but secretly nurtured an unagreed strings in his heart. Well, that's why he's upset. Sounds like an idiot to me (like anyone else relying on "unwritten rules" that directly contradict the explicit agreement). Yep. There's no "unwritten rule" (somehow magically understood and universally enforced), there's the presumption of an unwritten rule by one party only, which is where the problem lies. In other words, bc communication, just like LucidaConsole said. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 there's another thread in this section that speaks directly to this. The wife found a guy she's nuts over and the guy is miffed because he can't get anyone's attention. there are many stories like that. I think the number one reason why open marriage fail is when a man get his ego shattered feeling he was beat by another male, in this case the OP and this guy are just FWB and told her not to have any feeling for him which I think he was lying to himself. once he was replaced by another man he couldn't take it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 there are many stories like that. I think the number one reason why open marriage fail is when a man get his ego shattered feeling he was beat by another male, in this case the OP and this guy are just FWB and told her not to have any feeling for him which I think he was lying to himself. once he was replaced by another man he couldn't take it. And it turns what is already a second degree burn into a third degree when the replacement male is none other but their mutual friend. It just simply makes it worse when you know the person. Hell, he may have even told this guy about his feelings for her before she went to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 And it turns what is already a second degree burn into a third degree when the replacement male is none other but their mutual friend. It just simply makes it worse when you know the person. Hell, he may have even told this guy about his feelings for her before she went to him. probably, there was a story in this forum not too long ago where a guy convince his wife to an open marriage then went and brag about it to his friends, but when he find out that she wanted to sleep with one of those friends, he came here crying and accusing her for cheating. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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