DesertDweller Posted May 23, 2005 Share Posted May 23, 2005 Hi. I'm hoping someone can give me some insight. My mother (63) has always been melodramatic. She was always threatening to "blow her head off" when we were growing up. Sometimes she would threaten to kill us four kids with car exhaust. (you know, by running a hose from the tailpipe to the car's interior). Now that she's older she seems to have calmed down. But, for some reason, she seems to want to ruin all happy occasions. For instance, she never wants to eat Thanksgiving dinner with us. Anyway, she did it again the other night at my daughter's eighth-grade graduation. My daughter didn't want her picture taken. So my mother said she was going home. Since we all came in her car, I handed her the keys and told her I didn't know how the rest of us were going to get home. She gave the keys back via a mutual friend who had come with us. I assume she walked home. She did this even before the ceremony started! Needless to say, she hurt my daughter's feelings. I should add, my mother is flying to attend the graduation ceremonies of her other grandkids. So far, she hasn't even given my daughter a congratulations card. We never saw this coming. BTW, she freaked out at my brother's 8th grade graduation years ago, too...What's her problem? Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted May 23, 2005 Share Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by DesertDweller My mother (63) has always been melodramatic. She was always threatening to "blow her head off" when we were growing up. Sometimes she would threaten to kill us four kids with car exhaust. (you know, by running a hose from the tailpipe to the car's interior). Wow... what a psychopath. Maybe she needs lithium. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 23, 2005 Share Posted May 23, 2005 Wh t? Your Mom has used to tell you and your Sibs that she was going to Kill you AND she told you she was going to blow her head off? So I'm guessing she hasn't gotten the Mother of the Year award... Your Mom sounds like a hateful person.. what made her that way, I have no idea? Is she still with your Dad? Possible that she raised you and your sibs as a single Mom and has resentment and/or bitterness towards your Dad and the life she found herself in.. I would lay it out there for you Mom... that while you love her a lot, you're not going to allow her to hurt you anymore with her selfish behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DesertDweller Posted May 23, 2005 Author Share Posted May 23, 2005 Hey, Marin, you were pretty acurate! My dad, who was a wife beater, died (of a heart attack--she didn't kill him!) when my mom was 23. I can't imagine being that young with 4 kids, no skills, etc. I think that's the only reason we've tolerated her all these years. Maybe we feel we caused her to be so mean... Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted May 23, 2005 Share Posted May 23, 2005 DesertDweller who raised your mom? Did you ever meet them or did your mom ever talk about them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DesertDweller Posted May 23, 2005 Author Share Posted May 23, 2005 My mom was one of 9 kids born to poor, virtually uneducated "country people." They died years ago. I suspect her dad sexually abused his daughters, but noone talks about it. Hers is not the type of family to talk about much of anything. Link to post Share on other sites
suegail Posted May 23, 2005 Share Posted May 23, 2005 Wow, I'm so sorry, you've had a hard way to go. I sort of understand where you're coming from because my father was unbalanced with a capital U and it was something you could never predict as to what might make him go wacko. It sounds as if special occassions seem to trigger her to react like this. I don't know how free you are to discuss things with her. I know I never felt comfortable enough to approach my father on such subjects. It just sounds as if she needs help she never got. Maybe she does feel she wants to be there for these occassions, but emotionally, once she's there, she just can't control whatever goes on inside her mind. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 23, 2005 Share Posted May 23, 2005 It sounds like she is consumed with rage, has no way to tap into it or express it in a healthy way and it manifests itself in passive aggressive and controlling threats. I expect her life has been characterized by repression and denial, starting from a fairly early age. Her needs could not be met as a child - but how do you rage against poverty? Against being one of many children who need attention? How do you express rage when you were expected to bottle it up and be 'thankful for what she had'? She would have been taught that working toward fulfilling your own needs is 'selfish' (bad) and denying your needs for the good of others is 'selfless' (and therefore 'good'). I can't help but wonder if she got sick a lot as a child. When she got older and was in an abusive situation - how do you rage against a man who provides for your family when you absolutely have to keep it together for your kids, for society's expectations? I expect she was made to feel that she should be 'thankful for what she had' - and that rage simmered. Then he died, and she had four kids to take care of. She had to continue to bottle it up - she would not have had time for her own needs. She would be expected to put her needs aside and be 'thankful for healthy children'. Its likely she felt she was expected to sacrifice everything in order to see that her kids were taken care of. Where does that leave her? Resentment on top of anger. Add to that guilt, martyrdom, sadness - where is she in all of this? She has no way of expressing that rage, and no way to ask for or get the attention she needs so she tries to get it passively by forcing people into situations where they have to pay attention to her - are given no choice but to feel sorry for her. She wants to be happy, and she wants someone to provide that for her since she never learned to be happy on her own. The only way she knows how to get that attention that she thinks will make her happy is to use emotional blackmail and passive aggressive threats to get it. You were right to hand her the keys. The more you allow yourself to be manipulated by these threats, the more she will rely on them to get what she wants from you. Therapy definitely wouldn't hurt. I expect she will be fairly resistant to it - as she has lived a lifetime being this way, and the idea of giving it all up (no matter how horrible it is) is terrifying: she'll be giving up the only emotional state she knows. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted May 23, 2005 Share Posted May 23, 2005 Bi-polar? What you described is not unlike my own mother's behavior when I was growing up. Every single "happy" occasion she would try to ruin, and often succeeded. We were alienated from most of the family because no one wanted mom around. It was severe despression and while I understood it, the understanding didn't make it any less painful to deal with. It wasn't until mom was alone that she finally started getting some help and therapy. She still suffers from it and it makes me want to scream in frustration sometimes because I love her so much, but since she began treatment years ago we have gotton much closer and the bond we have is very strong now. Maybe your mother needs some medical help first and then some mental therapy. Is there any way you can get her to a medical doctor and go with her and talk to the doc about Prosac and therapy? Link to post Share on other sites
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