It's been 5 months of NC... ready for a long story?

[shyguy3543]

Hey guys,

 

I was on here in the past when I was looking for support after a 7.5 year relationship breakup with my ex-girlfriend. Well, here I am again with a new username, because I couldn't remember my old one haha. This time I'm looking for some advice/support/input on what to do about my last ex-girlfriend, which I had a nearly 2 year relationship with. I hope you're ready for a long story. I've spoken to my friends about it and feel I can't bring it up to them again. They think I'm over her. I thought I was too...but I'm starting to second-guess that.

 

How we began:

We met through a mutual friend in October 2012. In case it matters, I was 24, she was 21. She was still dating a guy that she was pretty much set on breaking up with because she was unhappy with dating a guy who smoked so much pot and reminded her of her alcoholic father's behavior We started talking, just as friends. No flirting or anything. Soon after that, she posted a Facebook status saying "RIP Grandpa," so I called her to make sure she was doing alright. She thanked me and whatnot. Soon after that, she broke up with her boyfriend. We started hanging out. There was suddenly this amazing connection. 10 days or so after her breakup, on November 19th, we shared our first kiss. She said she didn't want to rush into a relationship and I promised her I'd wait as long as needed. We kept hanging out and talking and really liking each other. I asked her to be my girlfriend in early January and she said yes.

 

What led to our breakup:

We honestly had an amazing relationship. We barely had any arguments and were always looking forward to seeing each other and doing things with our friends. But then last summer, her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. It took almost 2 months just to confirm that the mass was cancerous, and that time was of course very difficult and stressful for my ex. I made sure she knew that I'd be there for her through every step of her mom's treatment and I did my absolute best to support her. I don't think I missed a beat even once when it came to helping her when she needed it.

 

She began crying on the phone nearly every night. Nearly every time we hung out, she'd start crying. She was trying to hold all her emotions in from her mom and she used her time with me to vent about what she was going through. The whole experience was bringing out other things in her. One thing that kept coming up was how a few of her friends said she jumps from one guy to the next and hasn't taken time to be single since middle school. She also started being ultra harsh on herself.

 

Fast forward to October of last year and there was a night where she nearly broke up with me. She started talking about how she was planning on helping herself and making herself happy again. At one point it sounded as if she was planning on being single soon so I pointed that out and asked if that's part of her plan. She started crying and said that she may need to be single. I don't remember what I said exactly, but I do know I responded calmly even though my heart had sank in my chest. She cried for 3 hours. I just tried to console her. Finally at around 4 in the morning, she said something along the lines of "No, I'm being stupid. I'm sorry. I don't want to break up. I promise you I want to be with you and I'm not going to break up with you."

 

Jump ahead 3 weeks later to early November and we were in pretty much the same exact position. She began to cry again for a period of time (I know it probably sounds like I was doing a terrible job with how much you guys are reading about her crying! She didn't want to see a therapist at this point because she didn't want her mom to know she was struggling) and she said "I think I might need to be single." She cried for some more time and after calming down, she left my place. I walked her to her car as usual and we hugged and kissed as usual. She texted me good night as usual once she got home. I wasn't sure if she had broken up with me or not. It was confirmed the following night. That was quite an awkward phone call haha.

 

What happened after the breakup:

Well, the day after finding out through that phone call that we were officially done, she called me right before I went to the library to study for my first round of midterms for nursing school (the timing of all this couldn't have been much worse). She called me crying and saying that she made a huge mistake and to please take her back. I told her that I wanted to really, really badly, but that if breaking up has been something she's been thinking of doing for nearly a month, I couldn't take her back at that point. I told her we'd still be friends and hang out and I'd still be there for her no matter what.

 

We were hanging out pretty frequently after that. Not all that much had changed, except there were no more kisses, no sex, no holding hands... you know, just really good friends. She still was struggling with everything going on, but after some encouragement, she finally spoke to her mom about what she was going through and they agreed that she needed to see a therapist.

 

Between the night we broke up until mid-January, we were still talking every day. She would tell me things like how badly she regrets breaking up with me and putting me through a break up, which she was able to tell I was hurt by, as much as I tried to hide it. At one point in January she went as far as telling me that it'll be okay because "I know we'll get back together in the end and we belong together." It was comforting for me to hear that, but those words rang in my head when she suddenly started acting as if I didn't exist 1-2 weeks later.

 

She became really distant out of nowhere. Valentine's day came around and it was my first day of clinical at a hospital. She knew about it and how nervous I was about it. She didn't text me to say good luck or anything. I was a bit upset about it so the next day I asked her why she had suddenly become so distant and why she didn't even wish me good luck when she knew it was a huge deal for me. She didn't say much other than "it was my first valentine's day being single since i was a little kid and I wanted the day to myself."

 

The following week I had a dream that basically replayed all of the best moments from when we were getting to know each other and fall in love, along with a song that kind of broke my heart whenever I'd listen to it after the break up (Simple Song by The Shins, for anyone interested. It's a good song!!) I woke up and I was apparently crying in my sleep. The next day was rough. I texted her that night just to talk a bit. I said "I'm feeling pretty sad tonight" and she called me right away. I started telling her about my dream and broke down crying. She started crying. I told her I was struggling a lot more with our break up than she knew. We decided to stop talking for some time, but we promised to each other that it wouldn't be the last time we'd speak. We promised to each other that when we were ready, we'd speak again.

 

Fast forward again to around mid April and I contacted her. I was feeling good. I felt that I was finally able to move on and that I'd be happy just being friends with her. I was in her area and called her up to ask if I could pick her up and we could get some late-night McDonald's and catch up. I got the impression that she was trying to exaggerate how much happier she suddenly was. But the thing that really bothered me was when she said "I didn't think I'd ever hear from you again." It hit me pretty hard because we had literally promised to each other that we would be talking again!

 

We hung out every once in a while after that and we'd text each other probably like a couple of times per week. Up until late May, that is...

 

Why we stopped talking:

She posted a pic on instagram of what looked like a double date. It was her sitting next to some guy in big sunglasses and another couple I didn't recognize. I didn't really care much to be honest. Then a week later, she posted another picture of her and the guy that was sitting next to her (it was a picture from the same day). I felt like crap once I realized that the guy in both the pictures was the same guy that constantly tried to get us to break up, jumped in her bed with her one night when she was drunk and tried to take advantage of her, and would constantly be hitting on her. It was the same guy she told me she found repulsive and assured me I'd never have to worry about her doing anything with. I never met this guy because he'd only be around when she went away to Boston to visit her best friend. This guy was the roommate/best friend of her best friend's boyfriend. He was always around when she was up there, and I never went up there with her even once.

 

My mind jumped to this one picture where they were sitting really closely together in a bar and they almost looked like a happy couple with his arm around her. I never questioned it, but of course after that, I wondered if there was something going on during our relationship.

 

Anyway, the following week, we went to get dinner at our favorite wing joint. Then we went to get coffee from our favorite coffee shop. We talked about how much better her mom was doing and how she had even returned to her job. She told me that things had gotten slightly better, but she was still struggling a lot with depression and that she didn't really see her life as being much improved (a big difference from the night we met up for McDonald's) Then we stopped by my 2nd car, which was in storage, to get something I needed from it. She hadn't seen it in a long time and she was acting really sad when we got inside it. She said the smell of it reminded her of when we first started dating. She asked if the writing was still on the windows from the night we folded the seats down and cuddled and wrote a bunch of cutesie stuff on the fogged windows. I told her it was all still there, which it actually was. It'd show up any time the windows would get foggy up until I finally windexed the windows a few days ago lol.

 

On the way back to drop her off at the wing joint where we had left her car, I asked her if there was something going on between her and that guy. She dodged the question and changed the topic to how she was invited by him to Florida (oh, and we're from NY, just to mention) just as a "friendly date" for his dad's wedding because he didn't have any other girls to take. I was just like hmmm... okay...

 

We got to the wing joint and I asked her again. She ran to the restaurant saying she had to use the bathroom. She came back out and was in a rush to leave because she had work in the morning. Again... okay...

 

She got back home and texted me thanking me for a great night. I said I had a great time and I asked if there was anything she wanted to say to me. After about 10 minutes, she replied "here comes the judgement" and followed up that text with a huge text about how she hooked up with him and she was sorry. I was pretty damn hurt that out of all the guys in the world, she went and hooked up with the one and only guy she knew I had a problem with during the entirety of our relationship! I made it pretty clear that I was mad, but at no point did I insult her. I'm not sure if she wanted me to place a label on her so she'd be able to be mad at me and blame me for something in the whole thing, but she said "Go ahead. Call me a slut now. Tell me I'm a whore." I couldn't believe what I was reading! I just replied that she had to know me better than that and I had way too much respect to call her something like that. I'll admit that my texts weren't exactly the friendliest, but I said nothing at all to insult her.

 

Blah, blah, back and forth. The night ended with just saying good night to each other. I thought maybe that would be the end of us talking for some time, but she texted me the following day telling me that she couldn't sleep all night and it wasn't right of me to make her feel bad. I told her that I was extremely hurt. She said "you're just mad that I did something with another guy" and I told her "no, I'm hurt because it's the one guy I didn't trust around you during our whole relationship. It could've been anybody else and I would've been fine with it."

 

She said "you're either going to have to move on or we just won't be able to be friends." I told her "I'll never be able to forget this, but we'll see. Maybe I'll eventually forgive you."

 

She said "I don't need your forgiveness" and repeated that I just had to move on or we couldn't be friends. I felt as if I had been smacked.

 

I asked her to call me. She called a few minutes later and was crying. I told her I'm sorry that this was the way things played out. I thanked her for all of the good times and memories that she left me with. She thanked me too. We said good bye and that was it.

 

No contact has occurred since then aside from me posting "Happy birthday." on her Facebook wall. She "liked" the post and that was it.

 

She unfollowed me on instagram. I blocked her on Twitter and she tweeted that I needed to stop subtweeting her (even though I wasn't).

 

What's going on now:

I struggled a lot to get over her. By mid July, I had gotten over her (at least I thought so). I would still think about her and her family occasionally but didn't feel an urge to contact her.

 

A few weeks ago I had a dream. I sell car parts as an extra source of income. In the dream, i was getting a part ready to be shipped. I heard something in my kitchen so I went to see what it was. There was nothing there, so I walked back to my room and somebody had written "I NEED YOU" on the part. Then I heard something outside. I looked through the blinds. She was standing outside in the dark and cold, trying to peer in at me. I ran outside and tried to contain my happiness for seeing her. I tried to keep as neutral as I could. I asked her why she was there. I noticed that she smelt like alcohol and what she was saying wasn't making sense. I remember expecting her to apologize. I stood there listening to what she was saying but it wasn't making sense. Then I woke up. That's what started this.

 

I've had an exam every week for the past 4 weeks. When I study, I study at the school where we met because it has a much better library than my current school. I've been going there almost every night for the past month, basically. Every night, I'd walk past where we shared our first kiss. I felt the breeze of the changing seasons, just like we did together 3 years ago. I got a tall iced coffee from Starbucks where she used to get me them with her meal plan. Basically, I've been reliving, without her, the experience of falling in love while walking around campus but then trapping myself in the library and thinking about her for hours on end.

 

On Friday, I'm going with my closest group of friends to the haunted house where my ex and I hung out for the first time and realized we were attracted to each other. I'm going to be the only one of my friends there without his girlfriend. 3 couples and me. She used to say how much she loved our group and how she hoped none of us would ever break up.

 

Everything is reminding me of her.

 

I want to contact her so badly. I know I shouldn't. She broke up with me and broke my heart. She crushed it again by hooking up with that guy, and although she claimed that she didn't think it would, I just can't believe that.

 

Right now, I just wish she'd contact me and tell me she wants to meet up and talk about things and revisit the idea of us getting back together and somehow putting all of this behind us. I want to contact her, but I know that'd be a stupid thing to do. She used to say how she hated how all her other exes would contact her after breaking up and try to get back together with her. I feel like whether or not she'd agree to talk or meet up, I'd regret giving her the satisfaction of knowing that I, like her exes, was unable to stay away.

 

She told me countless times that she's never met another guy like me. She told me she'd never be able to find somebody as good as me after we broke up. She told me that she knew we'd end up back together.

 

I guess it's up to her to prove that she actually felt that way... right? I shouldn't contact her, right?

 

I wonder if it'll ever happen though... I want the fall to be over with so I'll stop being reminded of her. Luckily, I don't have exams for a few weeks so I won't have to be on that campus as much.

 

 

If any of you made it through to the end of this ridiculously long story and have any sort of words for me, I can't even tell you how much I appreciate it. You're extremely kind to take the time to read over some stranger's situation and offer support and advice. Seriously. Thank you so much in advance.

Edited October 22, 2015 by shyguy3543

[itisdanielle]

Wow, that's a rollercoaster of a story. I don't know how you managed to stay friends for so long - that would have killed me!

 

Hey guys,

 

She told me countless times that she's never met another guy like me. She told me she'd never be able to find somebody as good as me after we broke up. She told me that she knew we'd end up back together.

 

I guess it's up to her to prove that she actually felt that way... right? I shouldn't contact her, right?

 

 

I wouldn't contact her if I were you. If that were true then she needs to realise it for herself and be at the point where that's what she wants. But you shouldn't hang onto those words thinking 'oh she will definitely be back!' because she could have just been saying that to make you feel better or she could have since changed her mind. I know it's not as easy as that, my ex broke up with me three weeks ago and used similar phrases like that, so I know how hopeful it makes you that they will come rushing back.

 

I also think it's so unfair for dumpers to say things like I know we'll get back together and they'll never meet anyone better because it leaves you with so much hope! I know breaking up with someone must be hard and they want to soften the blow but these words really do mess with your head when you're trying to move on.

 

I think this situation is hard too because she's depressed and her mum going through cancer is such an awful experience, her head must have been all over the place. You know her mum is doing better, so you don't need to contact to check in about that - I understand if her mum was still ill you would want to make sure things were okay.

Edited October 22, 2015 by itisdanielle

[LoveIsMyReligion]

It sounds like you're a pretty decent guy and cared about this girl a lot. On that note the best thing you can do for yourself is stop revisiting memories such as these ones, accept the fact that what you two had was a period of good times and that it has come to an end.

 

You won't have an "aha!" moment where you miraculously figure out what went wrong and be able to fix things, I promise.

 

This guy has probably been talking her up for a while now and she decided to try something new now that she has the chance. This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. However I would highly encourage you to remove her from all aspects of your life if you want to move on.

 

Why wait around or hope that a girl like her comes back to you? If she is willing to hurt you like this for the sake of trying on a new guy it's a fair assumption to make that she only has her own self-interest in mind.

 

Someone who cared about you, who loved you, would not do this to you. There are tons of girls out there who are praying to meet a loving and caring person such as yourself, you just have to find them; and brother this girl is not one of them.

Edited October 22, 2015 by LoveIsMyReligion

[shyguy3543]

I feel much better than I did last night. I think it really helped to write that all out and read it over and remind myself that she wasn't this great girl that loved me.

 

I also had another dream with her in it last night. I don't really remember what happened in it. I know we were talking and it was a good feeling, but that's about it. It was finally a dream that was positive instead of negative or confusing.

 

Again, thank you guys for your responses!! It means so much!

 

Wow, that's a rollercoaster of a story. I don't know how you managed to stay friends for so long - that would have killed me!

 

I also think it's so unfair for dumpers to say things like I know we'll get back together and they'll never meet anyone better because it leaves you with so much hope!

 

I think this situation is hard too because she's depressed and her mum going through cancer is such an awful experience, her head must have been all over the place.

 

It wasn't easy, but I tried so hard to put my feelings aside to try and help her.

 

It really is unfair for dumpers to say things like that. It made me feel like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I mean, we even went as far as having me write in her journal (she's writes short stories and novels) that I promised I'd always be there for her because she was afraid that I'd suddenly stop talking to her because I "could" since we weren't in a relationship anymore. She really made it seem like she appreciated me and that the breakup was something we'd come back from.

 

(Just remembered this part so I'm adding it in... probably like an hour after I originally posted this lol) At one point after we broke up but were still friends, she said it hurt her that I changed my relationship status on Facebook to single. She left hers blank instead. Also, right before she started suddenly talking to me less and stuff, I showed her a picture of my computer screen in which there was a picture posted in a Facebook group of the xmas gift she had made me. I sent it to her to show her that a lot of people thought it was really well-made, because she thought it came out badly. In it, she saw that I had said "This was my xmas gift from my ex" and she said that she hated that I was referring to her as my ex. She said I should've just referred to her as my friend because it made her feel as if she was on the same level as my previous ex. I told her that she broke up with me and she was my ex. That's pretty much exactly when she started acting totally different. I didn't mean to hurt her by doing it. Jeez, I had posted it and sent her the pic to make her happy! I only called her my ex because she is my ex. I didn't mean anything bad by it, but yeah, that's when it really went sour. (End the add-in)

 

I never gave her a hard time about being broken up with or anything like that because, like you said, it was a terrible time that she was going through. To be harsh on her with everything she was going through would've been wrong of me. It would've been selfish. But I still don't think it was selfish of me to finally draw the line and kind of go off on her once she confirmed hooking up with this guy. It was just too much that I had given her and I kind of felt it was like "I'll have my ex take care of all my emotional needs and I'll give this guy a shot with my sexual needs." I don't even know if that's exactly what it was, but it hurt me so much. I still find it so hard to believe that she did that!

 

In that last phone call, I did ask her if she would've done it if she knew it would've hurt me as badly as it did since she had said she didn't think it'd hurt me. She said she wouldn't have, and that's the one tiny line that makes me look back and wonder if I jumped the gun in cutting her out of my life. What if she really didn't think it was a big deal and it wouldn't have hurt me? It seems impossible... but with everything she was going through... ugh, I don't know.

 

I'm sorry about your breakup though. Ugh, if you need to talk to someone, feel free to message me.

 

the best thing you can do for yourself is stop revisiting memories such as these ones, accept the fact that what you two had was a period of good times and that it has come to an end.

 

This guy has probably been talking her up for a while now and she decided to try something new now that she has the chance.

 

Why wait around or hope that a girl like her comes back to you? If she is willing to hurt you like this for the sake of trying on a new guy it's a fair assumption to make that she only has her own self-interest in mind.

 

Someone who cared about you, who loved you, would not do this to you. There are tons of girls out there who are praying to meet a loving and caring person such as yourself, you just have to find them; and brother this girl is not one of them.

 

I want to stop. But that spot is the best for studying! I was fine for the first week, but then I had that dream and it became hard being around all the spots that reminded me of her, especially with the fall weather.

 

I'm sure he was. He had been pursuing her even before we started dating. He made of my twitter handle in his tweets, even though I didn't even know the guy. He's a creep!

 

You're right. She does only have her own self-interest in mind. At one point in the conversation after she told me she hooked up with this dude, I told her there was a big difference between focusing on herself and being selfish. She said she wasn't being selfish because it was none of my business anyway. Pshhhh

 

We'll see what happens. I dated a couple of girls during the summer. One of them was ultra sweet but I stopped things when she told me that she was probably moving back to Ohio in December. The girl after her, well, let's just say it reinforced the idea that I shouldn't date girls who are fresh out of relationships. That was a mess!

 

I'm glad I'm not with anybody right now. I would've been feeling terrible after feeling the way I'm feeling right now about my ex. Like I said, I thought I was over her, but I've got more work to do.

Edited October 23, 2015 by shyguy3543

[starpower]

Come on, of course she knew what she did would hurt you. She just did it anyway. Hence the reason why she tried to avoid answering when you tried to question her about it. She knew. Maintain what your doing, yes it will be hard, but blocking her, phones and social media etc, will help you move on.

 

Contacting will bring you no joy, no 'closure'. Your doing the right thing, just carry on, focus on yourself, and in time you will move on.

[qubist]

believe it or not there is a happy life for you without her ready for you to find and explore. whether she wants to get back to you or not you still need to go strict NC with her for your own sake. dreams are just dreams you gotta move on. you seem to be a nice guy but unfortunately the saying " nice guys always finish last" has some merit. look who she dumped you for, the "bad guy". somehow some girls at that young age get attracted to bad guys, she knew you were better, more supportive, but she wanted to experience the other side too. make no mistake about it she knew it would hurt you, she apparently felt bad about it but not enough to not do it. she selfishly wanted to keep you as a friend or maybe to keep you waiting in the back burner because she is probably smart enough to realize that relationships with bad guys don't usually work for the good. do i think she is a bad person? not necessarily, she could be just an immature young girl who's going trough mistakes in life. but as far as you are concerned, even if somehow you still hope for her to knock on your door, you should start working on moving on from her.

1- maintain a strict NC

2- create new memories, go out and do the things that you like or explore new hobbies.

by the way you are still young, you sound more like you are in your mid 40s . there is only one person that can make you happy and that person is you. if she ever comes back to you you will have to make sure she is not the same person that dumped you and you will never know that unless you distance your self from her to be able to think rationally.

BTW there are other women other than her just in case you didn't know. if you decide to test their waters try hiding how "nice" of a guy you are because nice guys always finish last

[Guitaristangel]

It sounds like to me she is just using you as a crutch since with all the stuff you guys have been going through. Believe me, I am going through something similar with an Ex of mine of 5 years and she was doing the same thing. I suggest doing the NC as soon as possible. I have done the classic mistakes as well such as I'll be there as I promised, I'll never you leave you, begged, stay in contact etc.

 

To me, words are cheap and actions speak louder. I just think that if you do hard NC(as in, DO NOT go on that campus, avoid anything that reminds you of her etc.) so that you can heal and move on.

 

I'm using NC as of now to use it as to better myself. To IMPROVE myself. Since you are in medical school such as I am, use this time to focus on that, to focus on YOU.

 

You sound like you put others first instead of yourself which is a good trait but believe me, you need some love for yourself. I did the samething because I thought I needed someone in order to LOVE myself. When I went through the NC and got rid of most things that reminded of my ex, I felt like I do not need someone to be responsible for my own happiness but rather I AM responsible for my own.

 

It sucks at first I know, but take it each day. Do the things you love, reconnect with old friends that you lost contact with and you need to start to heal and move on.

 

I am to become a physical therapist in a year and believe me, when you set goals like this and you let go of all that negativity, things will get better if YOU allow it to be.

 

We're all rooting for ya man. Hang in there. If I said anything that may have offended you, I apologize in advanced but this is something that I was spoken too. If this is just another re-post of what someone else has said, oh well.

 

 

You need to focus on you man. YOU'RE the most important person in your life. Take CARE of yourself and I assure you that things will get better with time. There are a whole bunch of women out there that are just praying for a guy like you and once you find her, she will give her entire world to you and you will do the same. This girl will not even MATTER once you find that one true love partner. It makes it even more worth while.

 

 

HANG IN THERE!

[itisdanielle]

 

It really is unfair for dumpers to say things like that. It made me feel like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I mean, we even went as far as having me write in her journal (she's writes short stories and novels) that I promised I'd always be there for her because she was afraid that I'd suddenly stop talking to her because I "could" since we weren't in a relationship anymore. She really made it seem like she appreciated me and that the breakup was something we'd come back from.

 

 

I feel like we are in a similar situation in the way of what our ex's said when they broke up with us - I honestly heard all of the same things. The way that I am seeing it for me, is that even though he wanted to break up with me and doesn't want to be with me, it still must have been a scary and difficult thing for him to do. You can't be in a long, serious relationship and the loss of that person from your life have no effect. And also, there may have been the 'what if this is the wrong decision, what if I don't ever meet anyone else?' panic. So when I think of my ex saying 'I'll always love you, it's not that I want to break up with you it's that I have to to sort myself out, I hope we are together in the future, you're perfect for me', it was probably as a safety net for himself in that he hoped I would still be there if he needed it.

 

I have found out since replying to you last that he actually cheated on me two weeks before he broke up with me. So this kind of confirms it to me that he was probably just saying what I wanted to hear.

 

I don't mean to ramble on about my own situation - it's just as it's slightly similar I don't know if it's helpful for you to hear the perspective of others dealing with it?

 

You seem to be doing better already from the sound of your post. Don't beat yourself up about not being over it, it's completely normal to still be struggling.

[shyguy3543]

Here's another curve ball to toss into this fiasco lol. On Friday night, my closest group of friends and I went to the haunted house/corn maze at an amusement park. I was driving myself and my absolute best friend and his girlfriend in my car. We hadn't seen each other much in the past month since I've been studying all the time, but he asked how things are going with the dating scene.

 

I told him I've been too busy with studying lately to really devote any time to dating but that with all the time I had been cooped up in the library, my ex worked her way into my mind really frequently. I told them I had even thought of breaking NC and giving her a call to see about meeting up to talk.

 

Now, what's worth mentioning before continuing this next part is that he and his gf are the only ones from my group of friends that still talk to her on occasion.

 

They both told me that I should go for it, which really surprised me. He went as far as saying that of all the girlfriends I've had and of the couple of girls I had introduced to my group of friends since NC began, she still seemed like the best match for me. He went as far as to say that he saw a real future for her and I and that he really believed she was the one for me. He went as far as to say "I have to admit that when I envision your wedding day, with me standing behind you at the altar, with a girl in a dress walking towards you in the aisle, I still see that girl being her."

 

If this were any of my other friends or anybody else at all, I'd say, wtf, are you insane? We ended terribly. It's done. Why aren't you just telling me she wasn't worth it and supporting my choice for NC?! But they talk sometimes. His gf reminded me that she had said her main reason for breaking up was because she needed some time to find herself and deal with everything going on in her life. I told her I didn't want to contact her out of respect for myself but that I'd welcome contact from her. She said not to let respect for myself be confused with ego, especially because it has to mean something if I'd welcome her contacting me. They both said "how do you know that she isn't thinking the same exact thing right now but is too scared to contact you because you said you never wanted to talk to her again?"

 

I was certain they had to know something. He said he had gotten a bunch of texts that kind of hinted that she cared and hoped to reconnect someday but that they were all on his old phone. He only had 1 text that he did show me, but it didn't really convince me. She texted him on his birthday back in August to wish him a happy birthday. She started saying how she missed us all so much and wishes she could hang out with us. She said "Richard and I ended on bad terms. I wish I could at least talk to you guys (meaning my friends) as much as we used to, but I don't want to make Richard upset."

 

According to him, that's a clear indicator that she cares about me and doesn't think lowly of me even though that last conversation went so badly. I shot that right back and said "no, that just means she's trying to hide how little she actually cared about me by making it seem like she cares a little bit about whether or not it'd make me upset that she still contacts my friends so that the last 2 of my friends who don't hate her won't end up hating her." He said there were more texts on his old phone that really made it seem like it'd be worth it for me to reach out if I felt that getting back together with her would make me happy, but that in the end, it was my choice and that even if that conversation went badly or if she ignored me, at least I'd have closure... even though this NC was supposed to bring that closure! hahaha

 

I can't help but feel that there HAS To be something much more obvious that they didn't tell me. This is my best friend we're talking about. He's never, not even once, done anything bad to me, and I've known him since I was 8 or 9 years old.

 

believe it or not there is a happy life for you without her ready for you to find and explore.

 

I do believe this, and I have been taking advantage of it! This past summer I joined a kickball league (which has been TONS of fun!! I totally recommend it to everyone), I went hiking much more, I went to Volkswagen events every time I got the chance, even one all the way down in Georgia, and reconnected with a lot of old friends. Things have actually been great! It's just that all that time spent studying at that place made me miss that one part of my life that had been so good up until it went so bad.

 

You sound like you put others first instead of yourself which is a good trait but believe me, you need some love for yourself.

 

I am to become a physical therapist in a year and believe me, when you set goals like this and you let go of all that negativity, things will get better if YOU allow it to be.

 

We're all rooting for ya man. Hang in there. If I said anything that may have offended you, I apologize in advanced but this is something that I was spoken too. If this is just another re-post of what someone else has said, oh well.

 

I do put others first very frequently. I legitimately care about other people when they tell me their problems. I tend to be very empathetic haha. It sucks sometimes!!

 

But no, you haven't offended me at all! Not even close. Thank you so much for the words. I really appreciate it!

 

And congrats on being so close to becoming a PT!! I used to work in the rehab department of a nursing home and even with the elderly, I've seen PTs do some amazing work. It's a great career choice that's very rewarding!

 

I feel like we are in a similar situation in the way of what our ex's said when they broke up with us

 

I have found out since replying to you last that he actually cheated on me two weeks before he broke up with me. So this kind of confirms it to me that he was probably just saying what I wanted to hear.

 

You seem to be doing better already from the sound of your post. Don't beat yourself up about not being over it, it's completely normal to still be struggling.

 

It does sound like we've heard the exact same things. It's so unfair, especially after finding out something like that. I'm so sorry to hear that. But I hope that it makes the process of moving on easier. There have been times where I wished she had hooked up with this dude while we were still together. It would've made things easier in the long run because she wouldn't have been able to say "we're both single and we can do whatever we want with whoever we want. It's none of your business and I shouldn't have even told you I did that with him" Ughhhhhh!!!!

[itisdanielle]

I still wouldn't contact her. In my opinion, your friend thinking that you and her are perfect together isn't enough. If she really cares and really wants to get back together then she needs to be the one to contact you.

 

"She said not to let respect for myself be confused with ego, especially because it has to mean something if I'd welcome her contacting me."

 

I don't think you not contacting her is down to ego. Not contacting her IS respecting yourself because she chose that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

 

I honestly wouldn't contact her if I were you. Maybe what they're saying is right, maybe she is thinking she wants to get back together, nobody can say whether that is true or not for definite. But if she does want you back, she needs to make the effort to prove that to you.

[shyguy3543]

I still wouldn't contact her. In my opinion, your friend thinking that you and her are perfect together isn't enough. If she really cares and really wants to get back together then she needs to be the one to contact you.

 

You're right. 100%. I'm going to be sticking to this and I'm not going to initiate contact. I shouldn't be chasing someone who let me go after everything I did for her and then did something so hurtful.

 

Thank you again!!!

[itisdanielle]

You're right. 100%. I'm going to be sticking to this and I'm not going to initiate contact. I shouldn't be chasing someone who let me go after everything I did for her and then did something so hurtful.

 

Thank you again!!!

 

I'm happy to hear that! Good job on staying strong and sticking to it

[keep]

dude 5 months n.c thats really strong of you. i am on my first week, working on the healing process. doing things to help me be better. gym, new language etc.

i dont really have no advice. browsing internet forums is just confusing me. some recommend getting in contact to win their ex .. some don't.

n.c makes sense to me about the part where its time for you to heal. but im also a firm believer in fighting for what you believe is worth it.

anyway just wanted to say stay strong. you are doing really good. if things are meant to be it will be. go with the flow but at the same time dont close all your door and windows.

[shyguy3543]

dude 5 months n.c thats really strong of you. i am on my first week, working on the healing process. doing things to help me be better. gym, new language etc.

i dont really have no advice. browsing internet forums is just confusing me. some recommend getting in contact to win their ex .. some don't.

n.c makes sense to me about the part where its time for you to heal. but im also a firm believer in fighting for what you believe is worth it.

anyway just wanted to say stay strong. you are doing really good. if things are meant to be it will be. go with the flow but at the same time dont close all your door and windows.

 

Thank you

 

If she contacts me at some point, I'll be open to talking about things. If not, I'm feeling set on the idea of not contacting her. I've shown so many times how much I cared about her and if she doesn't care enough about me to contact me after hurting me the way she did, after all I did for her, she really isn't worth it. I don't know what it is, but it's finally clicked and I'm feeling better than at any point since the breakup!

[shyguy3543]

NOOOOOOO!!! I just accidentally broke NC lmao!!! I was scrolling through instagram and accidentally liked her picture. I unliked it right away but... UGH!!!

 

Oh well lol. I don't really care. Just thought maybe you guys would get a laugh out of it when I just posted last night that I don't plan on making any sort of contact with her. :laugh:

 

My only saving grace is that it happened with my business instagram account. She knows I'm not the only one who uses it. Jeez though!!! hahaha

[itisdanielle]

I'm happy for you that you're feeling better

 

Oh no! I hate that about instagram - so easy to accidentally like. Maybe you should unfollow her? Also, I'm not sure whether they get a notification if you instantly unlike it?

[Marc878]

Move on. You never know what's n your future.

 

You can't live your life for a distant maybe.