Husband went to a strip club and lied about it

[Jra80]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm hoping to get some advice/insight. My husband and I have been together for a total of almost 16 years. We've always had a very good relationship and a solid marriage. At the beginning of the year, he got a promotion at work, which involves traveling all over the United States to different client locations. He has been traveling about 2 weeks per month on average since March. He is currently in Florida and will be home tomorrow. Thankfully, just the other day he received a much bigger promotion, which will involve significantly less travel, little to none, maybe 3-4 times a year max, so we are ecstatic about this. More pay, way less travel, and even better hours.

 

Anyway, let me get to the reason for my post. Tonight, my husband told me that he and several of his co-workers were going out to dinner, something they typically do on these trips. He even texted me several times while he was at dinner, something he always does. We are always almost in constant contact when he's on the road. Just a few minutes before 9 pm, he texted me and said that they were just waiting for their checks and then he would be heading back to his hotel and would FaceTime me once he got there, which we do every single night when he's away. About an hour went by and I still hadn't heard from him, which is very unusual, so I texted him. No reply. I texted again asking where he was. Again, no reply. This was NOT like him. I then tried calling him a couple of times. No answer. Another hour went by and still not a single peep from him. Now I was starting to worry. Was he okay? Had something bad happened? I tried texting and calling him several more times and no answer. I was REALLY worried at this point. However, I went to text him again and I saw that he had read my texts (we have iPhones with read receipts), but he did not text me back. This is 110% completely NOT normal behavior for my husband whatsoever. He ALWAYS texts right back. Then, it occurred to me to use the "find my iPhone" app to see if it would show his location. Well, that it did....AT A STRIP CLUB!!!!! My worry immediately shifted to pure rage. He has NEVER done this before! EVER!!! I then started texting him expressing my sheer anger and told him I knew where he was and that he had broken my trust and significantly hurt me. Once again, he was reading my texts, but not responding and still wasn't answering when I tried to call him. Anyone who knows my husband knows that this is totally not like him. He has NEVER done anything like this in the nearly 16 years we've been together. Finally, just a few minutes before midnight, he texted me and said that some of his coworkers had taken him out to celebrate his promotion. My response was, "yeah, to a strip club." He told me it was not a strip club. I told him to stop lying to me, that I saw where he was via GPS on his phone, and I had even gone to the club's web site. He then told me I should trust him and still insisted that it was not a strip club. The lying was almost making me nauseous. I then asked him why he had been ignoring me all this time, even when I texted and left voicemails saying how worried sick I was and to please just answer me so I knew he was okay and that nothing was wrong. He then stopped answering me and I never heard from him for the rest of the night. Again, 100% NOT like him.. I kept checking the GPS and he didn't even get back to his hotel until about 2:30 in the morning and he has to be at work at 8 am. This is so completely out of character for him. My husband doesn't drink, doesn't party, doesn't go to clubs, or anything like that. He is almost always in bed by 10 pm during the week, oftentimes even earlier.

 

I think I am more hurt that he lied to me than anything else and that he totally ignored me all night when we were supposed to FaceTime after he had dinner. I get lonely when he is away and he knows this. I work from home full-time and we have no kids. How should I handle this? I will admit that I sent several texts to him out of sheer anger and hurt, things like "I hope one night of fun was worth destroying our marraige" and "you have totally broken my trust" and "how could you blow off your wife to go watch a bunch of naked girls all night???" He never responded. He just went back to the hotel without even so much as texting or calling me, which he has never done. What should I say to him today? Should I text him first or should I wait for him to text or call me first? He comes home tomorrow (Friday)and I don't want a huge fight, but I feel that is inevitable. I am so, so hurt and feel so incredibly betrayed. Never in a million years did I think he'd do something like this. I called my mother and she thinks it was probably because he was with a bunch of guys from work and they were all going, so he felt he needed to go too, but that still doesn't make it right. He's 44 years old and knows how to say no to people.

 

Any suggestions? Advice? I can't even sleep because I am so upset.

Edited October 22, 2015 by Jra80

[Lois_Griffin]

Well, I see this post has gotten a lot of views but no responses just yet.

 

I hate to say it, but when I initially read this post, I got the impression that this man is being strangulated. Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't sound like your husband is able to go to the bathroom alone without having to check in with you first.

I get lonely when he is away and he knows this.

And you've somehow made your inability to be alone HIS issue to have to deal with by constantly checking in with you the second he leaves the house on a business trip and right up until he pulls back into the driveway.

 

You say you're in 'constant' touch when he's away on business and then you have to FaceTime every single night before he goes to bed. That's pretty extreme if I'm being honest. How does this man perform his job if he has to be in constant contact with you every waking moment? That doesn't sound pleasant at all. It sounds like a huge burden you've put on his shoulders.

 

My husband has to go away on business every now and then and I don't expect to hear from him constantly. I usually get a good morning text while he's hunting for coffee at 6 am, maybe a text around 6 or 7 pm when they're wrapping up for the day, and maybe a call or quick text at the end of the night after he's had dinner with his colleagues and is back in his hotel room ready for bed. I couldn't imagine the poor guy having to constantly stay in touch with me all day long then FaceTime with me before he goes to bed. Jeez, he's a grown man, not my 16 year old child away from home for the first time.

 

The reason I'm saying this is because I think your husband feels smothered and has some resentment about it. I think his attitude at the strip club was that he was going to break away from the burden of constant contact just ONCE and have himself a little fun. It honestly sounds as though he was purposely not answering your texts as some kind of show of rebellion because he just wanted to breathe a little. I really do.

 

Don't misunderstand. I don't think what he did was right or respectful. Maybe the venue he chose to 'make his stand' on wasn't the BEST choice, but I think that's why he did it. He just told himself, "screw it. I want to have a couple of hours all to myself without having to constantly check in with the wife and appease her."

 

When he gets home I'd tell him he's a snake for treating me with such disrespect. But I'd also admit that I've been smothering the poor guy every time he goes on a business trip and I need to find a damned hobby or get myself a pet or something so the onus isn't on HIM 24 hours a day to keep me from being lonely.

 

Just my 2 bits.

[Jra80]

First of all, we are not in contact every second of every day he is away. And I don't need to "get a pet" as we already have 3 dogs and 3 cats. I also have hobbies and have plenty of friends, so your assessment of me is completely off. In fact, I actually enjoy having some alone time and time to myself. Obviously we are not texting and talking when he is at work. I have a full-time job as well. It's not like I sit at home staring at my phone waiting to hear from him. We talk after he gets out of work and in the evening before he goes to bed at night when he is traveling, sometimes a time or two in between. I don't know where you got the impression that I have a chain around his neck and that he has a set schedule to contact me, because that couldn't be further from the truth. He is actually the one who contacts me usually, not the other way around.

 

What he did was very sneaky, disrespectful, dishonest, and a betrayal to me and our marriage and I am very hurt. I don't sneak around like that and never would. I am more hurt by the fact that he lied to me than the fact that he went to this club.

[d0nnivain]

I understand you being hurt by the lying. Not that I'm excusing it but otherwise honest men sometimes lie to the women in their lives because those women go a little nuts, screaming & carrying on about the strip club. Would you have screamed at him if he'd told you in advance?

 

 

My husband goes on business trips periodically. We talk before he goes off to happy hour, simply to avoid the drama like you experienced. We text good night when one goes to bed & text good morning. I recognize that when he's away he has to focus on the clients & that includes entertaining them at night.

 

 

Is there any chance that he was telling the truth that the place was no longer a strip club? Like it used to be but recently changed owners & hadn't updated the website or that it has 2 sides? There are a couple of places like that around here -- one side is a go go bar, the other side is normal.

 

 

For now you have to find a way to calm down then you have to calmly talk to him when he gets home. This shouldn't kill your marriage but it will if you let it snowball

[sandylee1]

He should have got back to you to say he was okay, but out with friends. Or even text you beforehand to say he wouldn't be factimimg as he would be out. That's just common courtesy.

 

My H travels for business, but we don't speak every night he's away, but you clearly have an established pattern.

 

I think he's well aware of the fact that you aren't impressed - why not just see what he has to say when he gets home.

 

Personally, I'm not sure I'd be so fussed if my husband went to a strip club, but it's not really his thing anyway, so I don't have that concern. If he said it's not a strip club, surely he knows you can verify that one way or another.

 

Really gently here....when you say he's never done anything like this....how would you really know if you are not there. Husbands and wives swear up and down their spouse would never do xy or Z. ....in truth...you can't attest for others with 100% certainty....you just can't.

[Jra80]

He called me this morning and he finally admitted that it was in fact a strip club. He said he didn't know that his co-workers were going to take him there. He said, "you have to trust me." I said "lying and sneaking around do not build trust, but break it. All you had to do was take two seconds to answer me and be honest, but instead you chose to totally ignore me all night and then lie." I asked him how he would like it if I went to a strip club with a bunch of naked men and he said it wouldn't bother him, which I KNOW is not true at all. It would absolutely bother him. I told him that I would never do something like that because it would be disrespectful to him as well as our marriage. He still doesn't think he did anything wrong, but he has definitely broken my trust.

[d0nnivain]

. He still doesn't think he did anything wrong, but he has definitely broken my trust.

 

At least he finally admitted it. But when you talk to him you need to be clear about what broke your trust:

 

 

* going to a strip club?

* not answering your texts?

* lying to you?

* a combo?

 

 

He needs to understand your perspective but you must communicate it to him calmly

[Jra80]

 

Really gently here....when you say he's never done anything like this....how would you really know if you are not there. Husbands and wives swear up and down their spouse would never do xy or Z. ....in truth...you can't attest for others with 100% certainty....you just can't.

 

I know he hasn't as he always keeps in very close touch with me when he is in the road, and even at home by his own volition. I pretty much always know where he is and what he's doing. I know what hours he works and he always calls me when he gets out of work and then face times and texts me thoughout the evening. Again, this is all by his own choice. He is actually frequently alone when he travels and doesn't always have co-workers with him, so he gets lonely also, so he keeps in very close contact with me. Usually after work, he will either get takeout for dinner or order room service and then do some work from his room, watch TV, talk to me, and then go to bed. Thankfully, this trip is the last of his traveling with his new promotion.

[Jra80]

At least he finally admitted it. But when you talk to him you need to be clear about what broke your trust:

 

 

* going to a strip club?

* not answering your texts?

* lying to you?

* a combo?

 

 

He needs to understand your perspective but you must communicate it to him calmly

 

I agree. I need him to fully understand how I feel. I did tell him that the fact that he felt he had to be so sneaky and lie to me actually hurt and upset me more than the fact that he went to this club.

[MightyPen]

I will just say holy crap, I cannot imagine constant texts and Facetimes with my wife if I were traveling. That sounds suffocating.

 

Yes, he should have just told you he was going to a strip club (whenever he found out that was the destination) What would your response have been?

 

My wife has went to several of those "Thunder Down Under" type shows with friends and I didn't give a flip.

[Ms. Faust]

I will just say holy crap, I cannot imagine constant texts and Facetimes with my wife if I were traveling. That sounds suffocating.

 

Yes, he should have just told you he was going to a strip club (whenever he found out that was the destination) What would your response have been?

 

My wife has went to several of those "Thunder Down Under" type shows with friends and I didn't give a flip.

 

Was your wife honest about going to a strip club? Sounds like she was, and that is nice... But the OP's husband ignored, avoided, and then lied which is significantly different.

 

Also, my husband and I tend to text and skype a lot when he is out of town as well. Totally his own choice, it is just the pattern of our relationship. We have toned it down in recent years, but if the OP's husband is instigating the communication it really doesn't matter whether you, her, them or whoever thinks it's suffociating. Relationships are not uniform.

[d0nnivain]

. I pretty much always know where he is and what he's doing. I know what hours he works and he always calls me when he gets out of work and then face times and texts me thoughout the evening.

 

 

While every marriage is different this does sound over the top to me. Those are some very close tabs. The fact that you even used the GPS feature of his phone to track him down unnerves me. I'd feel smothered if my spouse treated me like this. It feels more like house arrest than a relationship.

 

 

Does your husband keep similar tabs on you Jra80? Does he know when you grocery shopping? at home? getting your hair done?

[autumnnight]

Since it is never acceptable when a woman lies, I can only assume it is also not acceptable when a man lies. Strip club aside, he went to a place where he would be ogling other women and he lied about it. That is a problem.

[sandylee1]

I know he hasn't as he always keeps in very close touch with me when he is in the road, and even at home by his own volition. I pretty much always know where he is and what he's doing. I know what hours he works and he always calls me when he gets out of work and then face times and texts me thoughout the evening. Again, this is all by his own choice. He is actually frequently alone when he travels and doesn't always have co-workers with him, so he gets lonely also, so he keeps in very close contact with me. Usually after work, he will either get takeout for dinner or order room service and then do some work from his room, watch TV, talk to me, and then go to bed. Thankfully, this trip is the last of his traveling with his new promotion.

 

 

 

I'm not saying that he HAS anything like this before.....but I've known people to say they are working and in fact take a days holiday or report in off sick and go elsewhere.

 

What prevents him from facetimimg you, then saying he's going to bed and then going out while he's away (if he really wanted to)

 

Again. ..I'm NOT saying that he's doing or has ever done any of these things...but it happens....and people always think their spouse could never ever in a million years do it.

 

When you have 100% trust and you discover deception......that's when you are totally knocked to the ground...because you trusted without any doubt.

 

If an individual is out to deceive another, you've no idea how creative they can be about it.

 

Just see how easy it was for him to lie about it being a strip club....even after you said you knew where he was. If I was going to lie, as soon as my other half said he knew where I was I'd come clean...but he didn't. Why? Because he knows how much you trust him and thought you'd take him at his word...but you didn't..so he had to think carefully....

 

His coworkers......well clearly they didn't think a strip club would offend or bother him in any way......and it didn't bother him at all.... He probably enjoyed it........hence he couldn't be bothered to step outside for a minute and call you. That's the bit that would really pi** me off.

 

I personally would be thinking this wasn't the first time he went......

[minimariah]

^^ and then kept ignoring her while reading and seeing how upset she was. if my partner did that to me - ignored the hell out of me while i'm upset instead of trying to communicate with me & helping me to calm down - i'd be livid.

 

your communication is not working, OP. you gotta sit down with him and dig deeper - why did he lie, why did he ignore you...

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

OP, would you be upset if he told you before hand that his friends were taking him to a strip club? Would you forbid it?

 

I agree with posters saying the issue here is the lying more then anything else. I just wonder if he hadn't have lied, if you still think him going to a strip club is a breach of your trust.

[kgcolonel]

He called me this morning and he finally admitted that it was in fact a strip club. He said he didn't know that his co-workers were going to take him there. He said, "you have to trust me." I said "lying and sneaking around do not build trust, but break it. All you had to do was take two seconds to answer me and be honest, but instead you chose to totally ignore me all night and then lie." I asked him how he would like it if I went to a strip club with a bunch of naked men and he said it wouldn't bother him, which I KNOW is not true at all. It would absolutely bother him. I told him that I would never do something like that because it would be disrespectful to him as well as our marriage. He still doesn't think he did anything wrong, but he has definitely broken my trust.

 

Okay, I, to some degree see where you're coming from. Please take a minute to consider just a couple of thoughts from a guy who has been married 32 years, travels extensively and largely in groups of co-workers:

 

1. Many times I can be out voted as to where we go for dinner and have even been drug to the strip joints. I get little joy from them however my wife does understand and trusts me.

 

2. Why do YOU think your husband lied about going to the strip joint? Not accusing you but do you think the shaming was predictable on his part and he just wanted to avoid a conflict with you, all the while HE knew that he got nothing from this? (You said this is not a place he would normally go).

 

3. He has apologized and you continue to berate on him....accept his apology and have a calm talk about (you can trust me and tell me anything). Set the stage for open communication otherwise, there will be another situation sometime in the future where he again will not fell like you'd understand etc.)

 

Just a suggestion.

[Got it]

OP - I understand, as constant travel has been a major aspect of my relationship with my husband on both ends. We both travel, at times extensively, at work. And being in the role I am, I am well aware of the less than stellar things people will do on the road.

 

So actually strip clubs have been discussed. One, going with coworkers is an issue especially if they are not all peers, the person in the highest level position has potentially put the company at risk for sexual harassment, hostile work environment. So on a legal front mixing strip clubs and work coworkers can be a major issue that can result in termination. They are traveling on business so not "off" duty.

 

So that is a concern. Then backing down to peer pressure seemed to be a factor which I see quite often even with middle age men in the work place. When a group of guys push for things on another, even executives will cross lines they shouldn't because of it. So if he knew going to a strip club would be an issue was knowledge he should have said something and didn't.

 

Another issue was conflict avoiding conversation with you. Avoiding any engagement with you was almost guaranteeing a fight? Now why he did that I don't know. He could have stepped away to call you, could have at least texted, as well as actually taken a stance and said he needed to leave.

 

So for him to continue to conflict avoid with you is only making it worse. Him saying "you will just have to trust me" is a ridiculous comment as it is after the fact from untrustworthy behavior. That would have been a conversation to have said beforehand but he screwed up the whole situation. Even if, giving him the most benefit of the doubt, he was stuck in a situation he was uncomfortable and couldn't say no, doesn't negate him not just texting that to you.

 

Because I have had to handle strip club and other inapporpriate behavior, we have had discussions on it. We have hammered out how we want to handle communication while traveling, texting, etc. Like you two, we are in as much contact as the travel allows. We do last calls, we do text and we expect our spouse to be available as communicated. We have prioritized our relationship and protecting it even on the work front.

 

So I think you have the right to be mad - which is really just hurt externalized, and addressing from the hurt perspective. Sit down with him and walk through what happened.

 

And knowing your spouse is going to be mad, so lie or hide, is inappropriate coping mechanism.

 

Good luck OP, and I am sorry for your frustration/hurt.

[Got it]

And for those saying that it is hard to say no. Sorry but I am going to say "(wo)man up". I travel a lot for work, I will be offered things that on a wide scale are things I don't want to do, shouldn't do, etc. Learn to politely decline and go to your room.

 

The most successful executives I know, the ones that have been successful in multiple companies, are one that understand the best approach is knowing nothing good happens after 9:30pm, and 1-2 drinks max. You are judged on how you act any time of the day when you are around coworkers. And MANY careers have been destroyed because of one bad decision one night.

[Poutrew]

OP, the reason he didn't reply to your messages is because it is pretty hard to text while a working girl is lap dancing you. Perhaps the way this whole thing started is how he told you, but it would also be normal for the guys to pay a stripper to give your hubby a lap dance. The fact that he didn't get to the hotel until early morning means the party was probably in a private room. Now, are you ever going to know what really happened between your husband and a call girl? Nope. Are you willing to throw your marriage down upon this sword? That is for you to say. At the very least, make your hubby get tested for STDs. You could also perhaps withhold sex for a period of 6 months not only for waiting to see if any disease gestating inside him shows itself, but also to show him how damn serious you feel about this. You could also tell him since he did this, you feel it is only fair for you to do your own research by visiting a male strip club with some of your single, horney female friends the next time he is gone on a trip. But tell him you will leave location services on so he can see where you are... sadly, all this means is that he will probably turn off location services next time, or leave his phone in the hotel room...

[MightyPen]

OP, the reason he didn't reply to your messages is because it is pretty hard to text while a working girl is lap dancing you. Perhaps the way this whole thing started is how he told you, but it would also be normal for the guys to pay a stripper to give your hubby a lap dance. The fact that he didn't get to the hotel until early morning means the party was probably in a private room. Now, are you ever going to know what really happened between your husband and a call girl? Nope. Are you willing to throw your marriage down upon this sword? That is for you to say. At the very least, make your hubby get tested for STDs. You could also perhaps withhold sex for a period of 6 months not only for waiting to see if any disease gestating inside him shows itself, but also to show him how damn serious you feel about this. You could also tell him since he did this, you feel it is only fair for you to do your own research by visiting a male strip club with some of your single, horney female friends the next time he is gone on a trip. But tell him you will leave location services on so he can see where you are... sadly, all this means is that he will probably turn off location services next time, or leave his phone in the hotel room...

 

 

Yes, this is certainly a sensible, measured and proportionate response.

[minimariah]

OP, the reason he didn't reply to your messages is because it is pretty hard to text while a working girl is lap dancing you.

 

it was too hard to text back, two or three words - but it wasn't too hard to pull out a phone and read his wife's texts while this lapdance was going on? doesn't really make sense.

 

i think he didn't want to deal with her because she knew she'll get mad so he decided to ignore her and let her chill out.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

OP, the reason he didn't reply to your messages is because it is pretty hard to text while a working girl is lap dancing you. Perhaps the way this whole thing started is how he told you, but it would also be normal for the guys to pay a stripper to give your hubby a lap dance. The fact that he didn't get to the hotel until early morning means the party was probably in a private room. Now, are you ever going to know what really happened between your husband and a call girl? Nope. Are you willing to throw your marriage down upon this sword? That is for you to say. At the very least, make your hubby get tested for STDs. You could also perhaps withhold sex for a period of 6 months not only for waiting to see if any disease gestating inside him shows itself, but also to show him how damn serious you feel about this. You could also tell him since he did this, you feel it is only fair for you to do your own research by visiting a male strip club with some of your single, horney female friends the next time he is gone on a trip. But tell him you will leave location services on so he can see where you are... sadly, all this means is that he will probably turn off location services next time, or leave his phone in the hotel room...

 

What a BS post. So every man that goes to a strip club gets laid there huh? Every man that is in the strip club is spending thousands to have constant lap dances too? Every guy that closes down a strip club spent all night in VIP banging strippers? Come on now. If my wife wanted me tested for stds because I had a night out at the strip club I would fight that battle to the death of our relationship if I must. That shows ZERO trust. I wouldn't think I would be allowed to do anything without her false accusations coming out against me. No way would I stand for that.

 

I've caught my wife in a lie before. So should I just assume she is lying 100% of the time. Maybe that one lie means she is banging other dudes on the side constantly. Perhaps I should treat her as such as your advice says I should.

[autumnnight]

I am having a hard time with this. We NEVER tell a BS, for example, that maybe the reason their WS lied is because the response would be "predictable" if they told the truth. It bothers me that someone would be pressured to "be okay" with half naked women writhing on her husband's lap just because "boys will be boys" and "it's part of business travel."

 

There are some people who have a moral opposition to men/women watching strippers, having lap dances, etc. Why should they have to ignore their values? And so what if a man is outvoted? Is the world going to end if he says, "Sorry,guys, I'm just not up for naked ladies tonight, I'll catch you in the morning."

 

If both spouses are fine with strip clubs, thunder down under, etc. fine. But if my spouse doesn't want some other person writhing on my lap and shoving their bits into my face....I should respect that and not do it. And I sure as heck shouldn't lie about it.

 

It's one thing to get aroused by porn pictures. But really, we are really saying I should be okay with my hubby getting a hard on from some other woman grinding against him?

[hudson701]

I pretty much always know where he is and what he's doing. I know what hours he works and he always calls me when he gets out of work and then face times and texts me thoughout the evening.

 

Wow... That just sounds creepy. Echo the comments above- it's sounds very suffocating. He went to a strip club, had some fun entertaining clients. So what? He comes home to you. This constantly checking in mentality is not healthy. Let him live a little. He sounds really pussy whipped, like a lot of my friends. Gotta be telling their gfs what their doing every moment of the day, 'even if it is of their own volition'. It's like they've been conditioned to accept that this is what you must do when you are a grown man in a relationship.