sandylee1 Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 A leap worthy of Indiana Jones. Talk about instigating! How do you know she has 100% trust BTW? I went back and read all her posts again to make sure I didn't miss anything. I even asked her on page 2 how has the trust been in her relationship. She never answered that question. She only kept going on and on about how she isn't controlling or suffocating, and that she knows when and where he is at all times ( lol just typing that is kind of funny) "by his own volition". She never brought up trust, even when directly asked about it. This is what the OP said........... " I know he hasn't (been to a strip club before) he always keeps in very close touch with me when he is in the road" "I know for 100% certain that he has never been to a strip club the entire almost 16 years that we've been together" "What he did last night was SO completely out of character for him. He has never ever pulled anything like this before, and that is a solid fact" -------------------------- This is what I was referring to when I said she had 100% trust. To say the above indicates total trust. My point was how could she not be sure this wasn't a first...... Your reference to me instigating is way off .....that's not my style. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 (edited) To say a spouse must earn your trust is like saying God must earn your faith. It doesn't work like that. Also, trusting a person doesn't mean you become naive and blind. Trust, like faith, has always been granted. Always will be. Anything else is not really trust. Edited October 24, 2015 by MidKnightDreams Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Regardless of whom I date...they are not my God...they are a POTENTIAL partner...so yes, they need to earn my trust. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 The point was the concepts of trust and faith are the same. Just as faith cannot be earned, trust cannot be earned. If you only "trust" a person based on their past behavior, you do not trust them. It's impossible to "earn trust". The two words together are an oxymoron. When people say you must earn their trust, what they are really saying is assure them that they have a level of control over your behavior. Let them know that they can manipulate you from afar. Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 The point was the concepts of trust and faith are the same. Just as faith cannot be earned, trust cannot be earned. If you only "trust" a person based on their past behavior, you do not trust them. It's impossible to "earn trust". The two words together are an oxymoron. When people say you must earn their trust, what they are really saying is assure them that they have a level of control over your behavior. Let them know that they can manipulate you from afar. I don't agree with this at all 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 So I'm about half way through reading this thread and I feel like I'm seeing two sides. On one side I agree with the OP's perspective. Her husband went AWOL and caused her undue worry, engaged in an activity that he knew his wife wouldn't approve of and then lied about it. None of that is good and I totally get why the OP is upset. On the other side, the OP has said they have been married 16 years her husband has NEVER done anything like this and it's totally out of character for him. Because of this I don't think the OP handled the situation correctly. She said in the very first post that when she checked the GPS and saw he was at a strip club she immediately became enraged, and then she unleashed that rage on her husband, complete with fatalistic texts about how he has "destroyed the marriage". I mean don't we ever give our partner some leeway? Doesn't this guys history stand for anything? She says he is usually alone and lonely when he's traveling. Has his meals alone in his hotel room and passes the time by interacting with his wife because he has nobody else for company. His life of travelling and spending his free time alone sounds sad to me. So one night he messes up and decides he just doesn't want to spend another night alone in his hotel room. Some guys ask him to come out and he does, possibly not knowing that they were going to a strip bar. Maybe he should have refused to enter the establishment once he arrived and just gone back to his hotel room to be alone. Probably he should have, but I can also see how the dreariness and loneliness of his situation caught up to him. I'm not saying for a single second that what he did was okay, just that this one slip up doesn't warrant the OP flipping out and responding to the point of saying he destroyed the marriage. He is a good husband. He has been loyal and consistent up to this point. He messed up but have some understanding and compassion. Don't shame him, yell at him and scold him like he is a stupid child. Talk to him and let him feel like he can open up to you about what he is thinking and feeling. He made a bad decision. Don't you want to know why? Was it loneliness? Depression? Treat him like an adult and let him know you will listen to what he has to say without freaking out and then do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 My point was how could she not be sure this wasn't a first...... Yes, I got the point quite clearly. You were practically instructing the OP to question everything about her husband now based off this one event. He could have been lying all along!! I fail to see how that is not instigating. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Yes, I got the point quite clearly. You were practically instructing the OP to question everything about her husband now based off this one event. He could have been lying all along!! I fail to see how that is not instigating. No, you have misunderstood. I wasn't saying she should question everything......I was just saying the visit may not have been a first and her 100% certainty that it was demonstrated her trust. I think what you are doing is outright instigating and I won't bother engaging with you on this point anymore, as you clearly want to continue stirring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 so the husband goes to a strip club, the OP flips out like he had a gang bang with 10 hookers, and some of you are ok with HER flipping out? Guys do go to strip clubs. Especially if the wife is a total prude...they need that side of their sexuality to be satisfied. this is not a big thing. OP should just ignore it and let him have some fun 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Yea, it's all cool. Next time your waiting to hear from you significant other and she totally blows you off, then you find the reason was that she was a bit busy stuffing dollars in some buff dudes g-string as he is gyrating his tool in her face, hope you can say "hope you had a great time babe". After all women like looking at a nice hard built body. It's in their nature. Especially if the guy they have at home is an inconsiderate as$. Just ignore it. Link to post Share on other sites
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