Husband went to a strip club and lied about it

[hudson701]

it was too hard to text back, two or three words - but it wasn't too hard to pull out a phone and read his wife's texts while this lapdance was going on? doesn't really make sense.

 

i think he didn't want to deal with her because she knew she'll get mad so he decided to ignore her and let her chill out.

 

Yes.... And what is wrong with that? OP sounds neurotic.

[autumnnight]

Wow... That just sounds creepy. Echo the comments above- it's sounds very suffocating. He went to a strip club, had some fun entertaining clients. So what? He comes home to you. This constantly checking in mentality is not healthy. Let him live a little. He sounds really pussy whipped, like a lot of my friends. Gotta be telling their gfs what their doing every moment of the day, 'even if it is of their own volition'. It's like they've been conditioned to accept that this is what you must do when you are a grown man in a relationship.

 

I assume you'd be okay with your wife/girlfriend having a girls' night out, flirting and dancing with other men, letting them grope her, as long as she came home to you.....correct?

[hudson701]

I assume you'd be okay with your wife/girlfriend having a girls' night out, flirting and dancing with other men, letting them grope her, as long as she came home to you.....correct?

 

Absolutely! If someone is going to cheat, someone is going to cheat- whether their in the next room to you or a few miles away on a GNO in a club. Nothing you can do, so no point worrying about it. You cannot control another person' actions. The trust is either there or not. If your spouse is attractive then attention from the opposite sex is inevitable, just gotta take the rough with the smooth. There is nothing worse that a needy passive aggressive husband constantly checking up on his wife whilst she's out having fun with her mates. I've never done it, really is pathetic. Ensure your own value is high enough, get on with your life, have rich fulfilling hobbies/work interests that make you great to be with, and that wil keep your spouse in line. Worrying about something out of your control? Pointless.

 

Now with that said, what is your point?

[autumnnight]

Absolutely! If someone is going to cheat, someone is going to cheat- whether their in the next room to you or a few miles away on a GNO in a club. Nothing you can do, so no point worrying about it. You cannot control another person' actions. The trust is either there or not. If your spouse is attractive then attention from the opposite sex is inevitable, just gotta take the rough with the smooth. There is nothing worse that a needy passive aggressive husband constantly checking up on his wife whilst she's out having fun with her mates. I've never done it, really is pathetic. Ensure your own value is high enough, get on with your life, have rich fulfilling hobbies/work interests that make you great to be with, and that wil keep your spouse in line. Worrying about something out of your control? Pointless.

 

Now with that said, what is your point?

 

I applaud your consistency. In that case, carry on....most people would have a double standard.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I am having a hard time with this. We NEVER tell a BS, for example, that maybe the reason their WS lied is because the response would be "predictable" if they told the truth. It bothers me that someone would be pressured to "be okay" with half naked women writhing on her husband's lap just because "boys will be boys" and "it's part of business travel."

 

There are some people who have a moral opposition to men/women watching strippers, having lap dances, etc. Why should they have to ignore their values? And so what if a man is outvoted? Is the world going to end if he says, "Sorry,guys, I'm just not up for naked ladies tonight, I'll catch you in the morning."

 

If both spouses are fine with strip clubs, thunder down under, etc. fine. But if my spouse doesn't want some other person writhing on my lap and shoving their bits into my face....I should respect that and not do it. And I sure as heck shouldn't lie about it.

 

It's one thing to get aroused by porn pictures. But really, we are really saying I should be okay with my hubby getting a hard on from some other woman grinding against him?

 

1) I agree there are people who are against this, that's why I asked if even if he didn't lie about where he was, would just going to a strip club be a breach of your trust?

 

2) you are correct again, if it is known to both parties that strip clubs are off limits, then indeed he should have said no. He has no excuse, peer pressure really? Are we in high school still here? He is a grown ass man, and can tell his friends no.

 

3) I can only speak for myself on this one, but I've never gotten a boner from any dance. Never had one at a strip club at all in fact.

[Jra80]

OP, the reason he didn't reply to your messages is because it is pretty hard to text while a working girl is lap dancing you. Perhaps the way this whole thing started is how he told you, but it would also be normal for the guys to pay a stripper to give your hubby a lap dance. The fact that he didn't get to the hotel until early morning means the party was probably in a private room. Now, are you ever going to know what really happened between your husband and a call girl? Nope. Are you willing to throw your marriage down upon this sword? That is for you to say. At the very least, make your hubby get tested for STDs. You could also perhaps withhold sex for a period of 6 months not only for waiting to see if any disease gestating inside him shows itself, but also to show him how damn serious you feel about this. You could also tell him since he did this, you feel it is only fair for you to do your own research by visiting a male strip club with some of your single, horney female friends the next time he is gone on a trip. But tell him you will leave location services on so he can see where you are... sadly, all this means is that he will probably turn off location services next time, or leave his phone in the hotel room...

 

As mad as I am at him, I VERY highly doubt this is what happened.

[minimariah]

Yes.... And what is wrong with that?

 

the fact that he ignored her instead of communicating like a grown adult. she has every right to be mad - a man (person in general) who doesn't know how to communicate is absolutely useless.

 

he could have shot her a simple text - i'll call you later, i'm okay, can't talk right now. and then later, CALL her and tell her that he got stuck in the strip club.

 

but to go there & ignore her while reading all her text and knowingly let her seethe? yikes!

[Jra80]

And for those who have used the word "suffocating," we keep in close contact when he is on the road because we WANT to. We do miss each other very much when he travels. He texts and calls me, I text and call him. We FaceTime each night before he goes to bed. We do that because we WANT to. Just because you and your spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend, fiancee, whatever don't do the same thing doesn't mean it's "suffocating." Also, this is the VERY FIRST time I have EVER used GPS on him, and I only did it because I was worried sick because he hadn't answered my calls or texts for 2 hours, which is NOT like him and I was very worried that something bad had happened. I shouldn't even have to explain myself, but since so many people are assuming things and judging me for this, I felt it necessary.

 

Bottom line: No marriage or relationship is the same. We do our thing, you do yours.

[minimariah]

Absolutely! If someone is going to cheat, someone is going to cheat- whether their in the next room to you or a few miles away on a GNO in a club. Nothing you can do, so no point worrying about it. You cannot control another person' actions. The trust is either there or not. If your spouse is attractive then attention from the opposite sex is inevitable, just gotta take the rough with the smooth. There is nothing worse that a needy passive aggressive husband constantly checking up on his wife whilst she's out having fun with her mates. I've never done it, really is pathetic. Ensure your own value is high enough, get on with your life, have rich fulfilling hobbies/work interests that make you great to be with, and that wil keep your spouse in line. Worrying about something out of your control? Pointless.

 

Now with that said, what is your point?

 

if i were the OP, i wouldn't be worried about the cheating - she has a much worse problem going on... that's a bad communication. i'd be worried over the fact that i have a husband who ignores me and lets me be upset because he is too chickensh*t to openly TALK.

 

you SHOULD be worried when there are red flags showing you that you got a problematic relationship & when something your partner does makes you feel mad or uncomfortable. the trust is there until the person gives you a reason to doubt it - and in this case, she has that reason.

 

you're heavily gaslighing the OP - she isn't neurotic and if my partner went without communicating to me for a longer period of time when we communicate a lot otherwise... i'd be worried too because it's a sudden and unusual change. she isn't nagging or suffocating him - if she was, the man would have spoken already.

 

OP, you got stronger nerves than i. i'd be on my way to the court right now, life is way too short for being married to the boys. i'd just call it a day & throw myself into a search for an actual MAN.

Edited October 22, 2015 by minimariah

[clia]

the fact that he ignored her instead of communicating like a grown adult. she has every right to be mad - a man (person in general) who doesn't know how to communicate is absolutely useless.

 

he could have shot her a simple text - i'll call you later, i'm okay, can't talk right now. and then later, CALL her and tell her that he got stuck in the strip club.

 

but to go there & ignore her while reading all her text and knowingly let her seethe? yikes!

 

I don't know...given the excessive number of texts and calls wanting to know where he was, he could probably tell she was in a tizzy and might've just thought "screw it, I'll deal with this later." Even if he had responded and told her he'd call her later, I doubt she would've accepted that and simply gone to bed. I think OP majorly overreacted. Searching for his iPhone to find his location is beyond excessive, IMO.

[Jra80]

I don't know...given the excessive number of texts and calls wanting to know where he was, he could probably tell she was in a tizzy and might've just thought "screw it, I'll deal with this later." Even if he had responded and told her he'd call her later, I doubt she would've accepted that and simply gone to bed. I think OP majorly overreacted. Searching for his iPhone to find his location is beyond excessive, IMO.

 

So, me being worried that my husband was hurt, injured, sick, in an accident, etc. because I couldn't reach him for 2 hours after he had told me 2 hours prior that he was getting ready to head back to his hotel room and would call me very shortly, which is a COMPLETE change in behavior for him, is excessive??? Okay then....

Edited October 22, 2015 by Jra80

[Sandy43]

So, me being worried that my husband was hurt, injured, sick, in an accident, etc. because I couldn't reach him for 2 hours, which is a COMPLETE change in behavior for him, is excessive??? Okay then....

 

I agree, if my husband said he would call me at a certain time and then I didn't hear from him for hours I would be worried too.

[Winterina]

So, me being worried that my husband was hurt, injured, sick, in an accident, etc. because I couldn't reach him for 2 hours after he had told me 2 hours prior that he was getting ready to head back to his hotel room and would call me very shortly, which is a COMPLETE change in behavior for him, is excessive??? Okay then....

 

OP, I will give you a good advice. Do not get upset at what you hear at this forum. Many people do not read everything, have completely different views and experience and are projecting it on you and your relationship, in addition to assuming the worst and calling you names, like neurotic. That is all BS.

 

Bottom line is that what you feel is real and it is always true.

You two have set your ways and frequency of communication and your way of life and anyone who says anything about it is completely narrow minded. Your communication has never been the issue.

 

I see a few things that would bother me with your husband, which other people already pointed out

1. Excuses and not owning up to his own mistakes (like telling you there was nothing he could have done but gone to the strip club because the guys pressured him into it - this is BS and just an excuse)

2. Doing something in the first place that he felt he had to hide from you (if he knew you would be upset, why did he do it in the first place?)

3. Lying to you!!! Horrible. Breaks bonds of intimacy and eats up the relationship from within in the time to come. Now you have to wonder what else you do not know, what else did he lie about or will lie about.

4. Ignoring your messages to be able to do the naughty thing he was not supposed to do in the first place (again, very boyish... an adult man would behave differently)

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

You guys are getting away from the actual discussion here. Weather or not you agree with strip clubs or think the OP is suffocating her spouse isn't the topic at hand. She was blatantly lied to. Also left out to suffer when he refused to respond. He acted childish in this situation. OP has every right to be upset.

 

When he gets home you are going to have to discuss his actions with him. Ill ask for a third time, are strip clubs off limits for him and you? If yes, then his actions are even more clear. He was trying do this on the sneak and got caught. Dont let him tell you things like "you just dont trust me, and the issue here is your lack of trust" thats BS! Its called blame shifting. Dont let him try it. Hold him accountable for his actions. Make it clear this is not something you are prepared to tolerate in your relationship.

 

If strip clubs have never been set off limits, then his actions highlight a sense that in his mind maybe you do in fact lack trust in him. If he has felt this for a while, perhaps he was acting out without regard to your feelings thinking after this long he will never be able to gain your trust. Not saying its right, or justified. But he was doing this with the intention of hurting you for lacking trust in him all along. Which is also a sorry and childsish way of handeling this resentment. Instead of talking it out and trying to figure out what he needs to do to fully earn your trust, he decided its a lost cause and will do whatever he wants at this point.

 

How has the trust in your relationship been, honestly!? Is this the first major breach, or have you had trust issues with him for a while?

[minimariah]

I don't know...given the excessive number of texts and calls wanting to know where he was, he could probably tell she was in a tizzy and might've just thought "screw it, I'll deal with this later." Even if he had responded and told her he'd call her later, I doubt she would've accepted that and simply gone to bed. I think OP majorly overreacted. Searching for his iPhone to find his location is beyond excessive, IMO.

 

well, this is the problem. who wants to be married to a person who, instead of shooting you quick text, let's you die from worry?

 

if texting and talking 24-7 is their norm, then him not answering for a longer period of time would be alarmed. the dude could have been shot dead, robbed, in an accident... i had a similar situation and called the cops and thank god i did because my partner indeed was in a car accident. if she didn't worry, you'd say she's being neglectful and doesn't care about her husband.

 

searching for his iPhone isn't overreacting at all when the behavior is weird and she has a reason to be concerned about her husband's well being - her husband not answering the phone and ignoring the texts IS alarming. i'd assume he got robbed and the phone got stolen and the robber is reading those texts - IF ignoring isn't the norm for them.

 

to each his own though. i don't really deal with people who straight up ignore me - that is the worst disrespect you can show me. i don't really ask for the reasons either, i just cut that person out & move on. clearly the OP loves her husband and won't do that, so i suggest some honest conversation... not sure how successfull will that be.

[SammySammy]

it was too hard to text back, two or three words - but it wasn't too hard to pull out a phone and read his wife's texts while this lapdance was going on? doesn't really make sense.

 

i think he didn't want to deal with her because she knew she'll get mad so he decided to ignore her and let her chill out.

 

It makes perfect sense.

 

He knew his wife was controlling and would go haywire, blowing everything out of proportion, simply because he chose to hang out with his co-workers for one night. It would have been totally embarrassing to him to have to handle his wife's histrionics at that time.

 

It's very sad that a 44 year old man that is straight-laced according to his wife can't hang out with his co-workers without her flying off the handle. Making overblown claims that he "destroyed" her trust and their marriage. She never really trusted him in the first place unless he was tucked in bed at 10pm, FaceTiming her and doing everything else she wanted. That's not trust.

 

If only she trusted him and treated him with some respect, maybe he could have told her what was going on at the time.

 

Also, attacking him when he gets home is the WORST thing to do in this situation. But, she feels it's inevitable.

 

Sigh ....

 

Poor guy.

Edited October 22, 2015 by MidKnightDreams

[Mr. Lucky]

Bottom line: No marriage or relationship is the same. We do our thing, you do yours.

 

And yet your H may have just indicated to you that the constant monitoring and checking in may not be his "thing".

 

You've gotten responses all over (and in some cases, near the far ends of) the spectrum. Sit down and talk to him - the goal is to not let your hurt/anger or his defensiveness get in the way of honest communication. A good 16-year marriage can weather this storm and emerge stronger...

 

Mr. Lucky

[StBreton]

So, me being worried that my husband was hurt, injured, sick, in an accident, etc. because I couldn't reach him for 2 hours after he had told me 2 hours prior that he was getting ready to head back to his hotel room and would call me very shortly, which is a COMPLETE change in behavior for him, is excessive??? Okay then....

 

Followed your thread since beginning ... The situation of him or someone else reading your texts (as they show as read ...I too have an iphone) caused you great anxiety ...I don't think that was excessive ... I would have been greatly concerned if my usual routine of contact was disrupted like this was. Anyone could have been reading those texts ...a robber etc.

 

But you did seem to become unglued by the whole situation later ... And I'm not saying it wasn't warranted a bit ... But better to deal with a cool head so your spouse would deal with you ... He avoided you like he was a teen and you were a parent. I think if he knew you as a calm person he would have called and explained ...believe me ...this has happened to me but I got a text explaining where the business mens club was at ...and my guy wasn't all that thrilled ...but he didn't want to be the oddball.

[minimariah]

It makes perfect sense.

 

He knew his wife was controlling and would go haywire, blowing everything out of proportion, simply because he chose to hang out with his co-workers for one night. It would have been totally embarrassing to him to have to handle his wife's histrionics at that time.

 

It's very sad that a 44 year old man that is straight-laced according to his wife can't hang out with his co-workers without her flying off the handle. Making overblown claims that he "destroyed" her trust and their marriage. She never really trusted him in the first place unless he was tucked in bed at 10pm, FaceTiming her and doing everything else she wanted. That's not trust.

 

If only she trusted him and treated him with some respect, maybe he could have told her what was going on at the time.

 

Also, attacking him when he gets home is the WORST thing to do in this situation. But, she feels it's inevitable.

 

Sigh ....

 

Poor guy.

 

and THIS is what gaslight looks like.

 

he lied to her, ignored her - but she is to be blamed because "too controlling" (even though there is no indication that the husband has issues with the amount of their texts & calls) & "nagging" & being mad and upset for no good reason.

 

do NOT fall for it, OP. if he approaches you in the same manner MidKnightDreams's post was made - pack your things & leave. trust me, everything else isn't worth it. if he cannot communicate truthfully and honestly and doesn't acknowledge your worries and concerns (you gotta to do the same for him though) - leave, run and don't turn back.

[minimariah]

She never really trusted him in the first place unless he was tucked in bed at 10pm, FaceTiming her and doing everything else she wanted. That's not trust.

 

that IS trust - you trust until you have a reason to trust. we have a saying in my country -- do not be blind when you got two healthy eyes. trust isn't unconditional, it is CONDITIONAL - the moment a person gives you some reason (even if it seems ridic to everyone else) - you have every right to doubt absolutely everything you want.

 

trust isn't blind & in spite of everything - partner needs to constantly PROVE to you (and you to them) that you CAN trust them without any doubts.

 

and for her to treat him with respect, he needs to return the favor - ignoring is one of the most disrespectul acts someone can do to you. so what exactly is the problem here?

[SammySammy]

and THIS is what gaslight looks like.

 

he lied to her, ignored her - but she is to be blamed because "too controlling" (even though there is no indication that the husband has issues with the amount of their texts & calls) & "nagging" & being mad and upset for no good reason.

 

do NOT fall for it, OP. if he approaches you in the same manner MidKnightDreams's post was made - pack your things & leave. trust me, everything else isn't worth it.

 

Packing her bags and leaving would be the best thing she ever did for him.

 

The poor guy would finally have the freedom to make his own decisions without someone holding the threat of a temper tantrum over his head.

 

My post was NOT an example of gaslighting. I'm simply pointing out that just as his behavior has consequences, so does hers.

[TexasMan68]

You could always take some pole dancing classes so he doesn't have to hit the strip clubs. Great way to save some money also. Being in sales myself I never ended up getting "stuck" at a titty bar. You ALWAYS have the ability to say no. Don't buy the BS he wanted to go. Strippers are like eating potato chips, everyone looks at them in disgust but deep down they all want get their hands on them.

[minimariah]

My post was NOT an example of gaslighting. I'm simply pointing out that just as his behavior has consequences, so does hers.

 

you accused the OP of being controlling based on nothing but your assumptions that the husband isn't okay with large anount of texts and calls. if he really isn't okay with that - why didn't he speak up? is he afraid of his wife? what is wrong with him?

 

you say you're pointing out that her behavior has consequences - but her behavior is actually a consequence of HIS behavior. she is mad because she got lied to & ignored. she "harrassed" him out of worry, not jealousy - another one of your wrong assumptions. then you assume that he isn't "free" to do whatever he wants - but... wait a minute... didn't he go to a strip club...? and actually told her the truth later...? seems like he IS free after all.

 

you ignore the fact that she got lied to & ignored and justify it with a huge assumption - her husband isn't free and can't go to a strip club. but wait!!! if he feels that way, why didn't he speak up?

 

i'm terribly sorry but i can recognize gaslight in my sleep -- and i'm absolutely right when i tell you that the amount of it in your posts is enormous. the justification of the OP being ignored and lied to because the husband isn't "free" & she is controlling = the justification of affairs because the BS is doing something wrong. all of that = gaslight.

 

The poor guy would finally have the freedom to make his own decisions without someone holding the threat of a temper tantrum over his head.

 

i don't understand this - can you please elaborate? what is stopping him from making his own decisions now? is he legally paralyzed by his wife? is he mentally ill or retarded? does his wife has legal control over him? what is stopping him from speaking up, communicating or even asking for a divorce? why do you act like he is a puppet mastered by his wife?

[Minnie09]

OP, have strip clubs ever been discussed? Is that a deal breaker in your M? Simply assuming he's never been to one is naive, especially since he travels a lot. Occasional strip club visits are probably the norm for guys that travel a lot for business, especially after a few drinks with dinner, if there a few guys involved and some just aren't ready yet to go back to the room. Hotel rooms get boring and lonely after a while, you know.

 

So - if it hasn't been discussed and hasn't been identified as a dealbreaker, then he probably saw it as a minor issue, but I'm sure he knew you weren't comfortable with it. The fact that he read messages and chose to ignore them is rather disrespectful, but what I'm thinking is that he had been drinking and therefore couldn't / wouldn't text back. Had he been thinking clearly, he would've replied. I know you said he doesn't drink, but come on, a night out with the guys, then visiting a few strippers - that screams "drinking". Had he been sober, he would've texted back for sure, just in order to appease you and to avoid raising any suspicions. If constant communication is what you normally maintain, then that's exactly what he would have done if he had been completely sober and thinking clearly, especially because he wanted to avoid being caught. I'm not saying alcohol is an excuse here, but it's a likely explanation. People tend to not care or care less and disregard possible consequences when they've been drinking.

[Tayla]

worrying is self inflicted. its one thing to be of concern .leave it at that. I have found peace in not regurgitating the catastrophic thoughts some individuals muster simply from a change in behavior.

He really could have been forthright and shared with her his plans. (hindsight is so lovely!)

She could have simply taken the obsessive worrying out of the equation. She chose to worry and ruffle her own feathers. ( again with that hindsight)

 

Moving forward, make some positive changes for assurance sake. he is a grown man, be somewhat caring without the worry. He can be accountable when asked his plans.

 

Both need to acknowledge the other without feeling discounted. Compromise.understand, be each others friend.