Husband went to a strip club and lied about it

[Minnie09]

that IS trust - you trust until you have a reason to trust. we have a saying in my country -- do not be blind when you got two healthy eyes. trust isn't unconditional, it is CONDITIONAL - the moment a person gives you some reason (even if it seems ridic to everyone else) - you have every right to doubt absolutely everything you want

 

Oh I absolutely agree but in this situation (and I'm not a fan of strip clubs) it may have never been discussed as a boundary, so he felt free to go, since everybody else did, too. The fact that he ignored her is ****ty, yes, but being in the situation he probably didn't know how to handle it, felt half-guilty, avoided communication due to embarrassment and guilt, and - I'm pretty sure - he was probably intoxicated. Boundaries need to be discussed here. Either: yes, strip clubs are ok, but communication must be maintained, or they're not ok and visiting a club is a dealbreaker.

[Jra80]

OP, have strip clubs ever been discussed? Is that a deal breaker in your M? Simply assuming he's never been to one is naive, especially since he travels a lot. Occasional strip club visits are probably the norm for guys that travel a lot for business, especially after a few drinks with dinner, if there a few guys involved and some just aren't ready yet to go back to the room. Hotel rooms get boring and lonely after a while, you know.

 

So - if it hasn't been discussed and hasn't been identified as a dealbreaker, then he probably saw it as a minor issue, but I'm sure he knew you weren't comfortable with it. The fact that he read messages and chose to ignore them is rather disrespectful, but what I'm thinking is that he had been drinking and therefore couldn't / wouldn't text back. Had he been thinking clearly, he would've replied. I know you said he doesn't drink, but come on, a night out with the guys, then visiting a few strippers - that screams "drinking". Had he been sober, he would've texted back for sure, just in order to appease you and to avoid raising any suspicions. If constant communication is what you normally maintain, then that's exactly what he would have done if he had been completely sober and thinking clearly, especially because he wanted to avoid being caught. I'm not saying alcohol is an excuse here, but it's a likely explanation. People tend to not care or care less and disregard possible consequences when they've been drinking.

 

I know for 100% certain that he has never been to a strip club the entire almost 16 years that we've been together. First of all, he has only been traveling for about 6 months (and his traveling is now over after this trip with his new promotion, thank god). He never stays out of contact with me long enough when he is on the road for him to go to a strip club or do anything else that is questionable. When I say he texts and calls me all the time (on his own free will), I'm not kidding. He FaceTimes me from his hotel room very shortly after getting back there from work and then texts and calls me throughout the evening. As I said before, he is usually lonely also when he is on the road. He also usually has a decent amount of work that he has to do from his hotel room when he gets back, so that often takes up a majority of his evenings. Most nights, he just orders room service or goes and grabs something to go somewhere and eats in his room. Again, his own choice. In fact, I have urged him to go out and go to an actual restaurant and even do some sightseeing and take some nice photos (he goes to a lot of nice places) when he is on the road, but he rarely wants to. Traveling tends to take a lot of steam out of him and he works really long hours while on the road, so he usually just wants to kick back in his room and watch TV or even go to the hotel pool or hot tub. Hell, he even sends me photos of his food or what he's doing! I don't even ask him to do this, he just does it on his own. Strip clubs have never been discussed because they have never been an issue until now. I can honestly say that had he not been with co-workers (co-workers much younger than him, in their 20s and early 30s and he's 44), he would NOT have gone to a place like this. What he did last night was SO completely out of character for him. He has never ever pulled anything like this before, and that is a solid fact. I'm sure he had a few drinks with the guys, even though he is not a drinker at all. He may have a total of 5-10 beers a year, if that. Either way, he knows how upset and hurt I am and I'm sure he knows, at least now, that I have a MAJOR issue with strip clubs, but an even bigger issue with being ignored for hours and hours and then being lied to.

Edited October 22, 2015 by Jra80

[minimariah]

Oh I absolutely agree but in this situation (and I'm not a fan of strip clubs) it may have never been discussed as a boundary, so he felt free to go, since everybody else did, too.

 

he sure felt free to go but i think he knew very well she'd have a problem with it - which is why he chose to lie to her & ignore in the 1st place.

 

he did something he probably knew will hurt or bother her - that's a problem... there is no respect there.

[autumnnight]

My mind is absolutely blown that we are excusing a man's lies. Then again....maybe I'm not so surprised.

[SammySammy]

you accused the OP of being controlling based on nothing but your assumptions that the husband isn't okay with large anount of texts and calls. if he really isn't okay with that - why didn't he speak up? is he afraid of his wife? what is wrong with him?

 

you say you're pointing out that her behavior has consequences - but her behavior is actually a consequence of HIS behavior. she is mad because she got lied to & ignored. she "harrassed" him out of worry, not jealousy - another one of your wrong assumptions. then you assume that he isn't "free" to do whatever he wants - but... wait a minute... didn't he go to a strip club...? and actually told her the truth later...? seems like he IS free after all.

 

you ignore the fact that she got lied to & ignored and justify it with a huge assumption - her husband isn't free and can't go to a strip club. but wait!!! if he feels that way, why didn't he speak up?

 

i'm terribly sorry but i can recognize gaslight in my sleep -- and i'm absolutely right when i tell you that the amount of it in your posts is enormous. the justification of the OP being ignored and lied to because the husband isn't "free" & she is controlling = the justification of affairs because the BS is doing something wrong. all of that = gaslight.

 

 

 

i don't understand this - can you please elaborate? what is stopping him from making his own decisions now? is he legally paralyzed by his wife? is he mentally ill or retarded? does his wife has legal control over him? what is stopping him from speaking up, communicating or even asking for a divorce? why do you act like he is a puppet mastered by his wife?

 

Please.

 

I'm far from the first person or the only person in this discussion to suggest her behavior is controlling.

 

Let's not play dumb here. Let's not pretend that she is only upset because she was "lied to and ignored". It's fairly obvious the strip club itself is a sticking point for both of them.

 

His unwillingness to tell her where he was is because it was a strip club. Much of her ire is also because it was a strip club.

 

By her own admission, the guy does everything right on previous trips and even on this trip. Until a decision was made to go to a strip club.

 

What I'm saying is that if he was truly trusted and free to make his own decisions then telling his wife he's hanging out at a strip club with his co-workers is no different from telling her he was having dinner. No different from telling her he's about to board the plane. If the strip club is really no big deal, then there is no need to avoid calls and texts.

 

But, it is a big deal. And it's dishonest to say she's only upset because she was ignored.

[SammySammy]

My mind is absolutely blown that we are excusing a man's lies. Then again....maybe I'm not so surprised.

 

I'm not saying his lies are excusable. I'm just saying there's a reason for them.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

To me his actions based on that last post leads me to believe he feels he doesnt have your trust at all. If he is actively telling you his every move, then he more then lilely feels you have no trust in him. He is constantly having to tell you everything. Even if you say he is doing it just to do it, how do you know that is how he feels? Texting you his every move sounds like he is trying to show you you can trust him. So how has your trust been with him over 16 years? He might be filled with resentment if he thinks he has to do all that all the time. I mean really, who text their every move to their spouse if there is complete trust there?

[autumnnight]

Please.

 

I'm far from the first person or the only person in this discussion to suggest her behavior is controlling.

 

Let's not play dumb here. Let's not pretend that she is only upset because she was "lied to and ignored". It's fairly obvious the strip club itself is a sticking point for both of them.

 

His unwillingness to tell her where he was is because it was a strip club. Much of her ire is also because it was a strip club.

 

By her own admission, the guy does everything right on previous trips and even on this trip. Until a decision was made to go to a strip club.

 

What I'm saying is that if he was truly trusted and free to make his own decisions then telling his wife he's hanging out at a strip club with his co-workers is no different from telling her he was having dinner. No different from telling her he's about to board the plane. If the strip club is really no big deal, then there is no need to avoid calls and texts.

 

But, it is a big deal. And it's dishonest to say she's only upset because she was ignored.

 

So his lying is justified...or even better, HER fault...good to know

[SammySammy]

So his lying is justified...or even better, HER fault...good to know

 

Again, I'm not saying his lying is justified.

 

I'm just saying if he thought his wife would react calmly to the news he was going to a strip club, there is no need to lie or even to avoid her until later. If he was trusted, then telling her is not a big deal.

 

Why is this so hard to understand?

[minimariah]

I'm far from the first person or the only person in this discussion to suggest her behavior is controlling.

 

you & many others assumed that the OP is controlling based on your own idea of what a communication in a relationship is supposed to look like. even when the OP explained that communicating like that is something that's normal & accepted in their relationship - you ignored all of that & still sticking by your own (wrong) assumption.

 

Let's not play dumb here.

 

focusing on the amount of calls & texts they exchange while ignoring a very good reason for the OP to be mad is, in fact, playing dumb. implying that her husband isn't free or that the OP is a lunatic for being upset by a visit to a strip club is playing dumb. if strip clubs are her hard limits, what is the problem here? she has a right to that, doesn't she? her husband is a 44year old MAN who can make his own decisions and voice his own concerns. if he doesn't do that or doesn't know how...? well, isn't that HIS problem?

 

i'll never understand people who aren't happy but refuse to do something about it. if her husband isn't feeling happy or free -- why isn't he voicing up his concerns instead of lying and ignoring? hello?

 

Let's not pretend that she is only upset because she was "lied to and ignored". It's fairly obvious the strip club itself is a sticking point for both of them.

 

well... yes, she is upset because she got lied to about her husband going to a strip club & ignored while he was there. you implying that she's being controlling because she has a problem with strip clubs is just... crazy. just crazy.

 

she is also upset because he essentially did something he knew she'll be hurt by. that's pretty much a huge "f&ck you" to her and her feelings and boundaries.

 

What I'm saying is that if he was truly trusted and free to make his own decisions then telling his wife he's hanging out at a strip club with his co-workers is no different from telling her he was having dinner.

 

to imply that he lied about going to a strip club because he isn't trusted enough and that his lies are somehow the OP's fault and a product of lack of her trust is... mindblowingly manipulative.

[Minnie09]

Again, I'm not saying his lying is justified.

 

I'm just saying if he thought his wife would react calmly to the news he was going to a strip club, there is no need to lie or even to avoid her until later. If he was trusted, then telling her is not a big deal.

 

Why is this so hard to understand?

 

Well that just means, though, that he KNEW he was doing something she would be upset about. And he did it anyways. That's disrespectful. It is not a valid argument to say that just because she doesn't trust him he's keeping stuff from her that might hurt her feelings. The right thing to do would be to tell her in advance that that's what everybody is up to after dinner (since they communicate non-stop anyways), and that he will join them. And then she could say what she wants to say, and then a decision can be made based on that. But not answering calls and texts? That just screams "indifference".

[minimariah]

Why is this so hard to understand?

 

because it doesn't make sense.

 

me to you - the sky is green.

you to me - no, it isn't. why did you lie to me?

me to you - well, i lied because you don't trust me. if you trusted me, i wouldn't have lied so this is all your fault!

 

^^^ one word, my friend - g.a.s.l.i.g.h.t.

[Horton]

I found the concern you showed for his well being touching and I don't see how anybody could spin a wife worrying about her husband while he's away as being the same as smothering him. The fact that he completely ignored your text messages is bad enough, but to do so while ogling other women and then to lie about it afterwards is beyond the pale. This is not how a loving husband ought to treat his wife. Anybody trying to paint you as controlling or overreacting for this is ridiculous.

[SammySammy]

Well that just means, though, that he KNEW he was doing something she would be upset about. And he did it anyways. That's disrespectful. It is not a valid argument to say that just because she doesn't trust him he's keeping stuff from her that might hurt her feelings. The right thing to do would be to tell her in advance that that's what everybody is up to after dinner (since they communicate non-stop anyways), and that he will join them. And then she could say what she wants to say, and then a decision can be made based on that. But not answering calls and texts? That just screams "indifference".

 

I believe he thought he was going to have to deal with incessant calls and texts either way.

 

If he had told her they decided to go to a strip club after dinner she was going to blow up his phone. Because he's a 44 year old man who is not trusted to make a decision to go to a strip club with his friends.

 

If he didn't tell her, well ... we know what happened.

 

Either way, it's a lose-lose situation for this guy. He decided to duck and dodge until later. Was it the best decision? Who knows? Who am I to judge what is right or wrong for him?

 

I guess he could have gone back to his hotel room at 10pm like a good little boy and FT her because she can only "trust" him if he does what she says. Which spells controlling to me.

[SammySammy]

because it doesn't make sense.

 

me to you - the sky is green.

you to me - no, it isn't. why did you lie to me?

me to you - well, i lied because you don't trust me. if you trusted me, i wouldn't have lied so this is all your fault!

 

^^^ one word, my friend - g.a.s.l.i.g.h.t.

 

You can continue to pretend her response (or potential response) to the news he was going to a strip club doesn't play a role in this situation if you want.

 

It's just not true.

 

You did an admirable job of defending her though. Good work.

[minimariah]

I believe he thought he was going to have to deal with incessant calls and texts either way.

 

but you don't know that for sure. if he knew going to the strip club is a hard limit for his wife and would hurt and upset her - why did he go? why would you do that to the person you love?

 

if at that moment he realized that strip clubs were his thing and he'd like to go -- why didn't he wait until he got home and talked to her about it... calmly? if he didn't think that kind of calm conversation is even possible - then on why on Earth did he stay married to this woman for 16 YEARS?

 

there are strip clubs where they live, i'm sure -- they could have went together, at the end of the day. asking your spouse for opinion and checking it with them and their feelings isn't controlling - that's normal in a healthy relationship.

 

Either way, it's a lose-lose situation for this guy.

 

no, it's not. stop making this situation hopeless and making it seem like this dude had no choice.

 

Was it the best decision? Who knows?

 

it wasn't. who knows...? obviously, the OP & her husband do.

 

I guess he could have gone back to his hotel room at 10pm like a good little boy and FT her because she can only "trust" him if he does what she says.

 

she can only trust him if he is being honest to her and communicating her and respectful of her limits and wishes.

[Minnie09]

I believe he thought he was going to have to deal with incessant calls and texts either way.

 

If he had told her they decided to go to a strip club after dinner she was going to blow up his phone. Because he's a 44 year old man who is not trusted to make a decision to go to a strip club with his friends.

 

If he didn't tell her, well ... we know what happened.

 

Either way, it's a lose-lose situation for this guy. He decided to duck and dodge until later. Was it the best decision? Who knows? Who am I to judge what is right or wrong for him?

 

I guess he could have gone back to his hotel room at 10pm like a good little boy and FT her because she can only "trust" him if he does what she says. Which spells controlling to me.

 

 

I agree somewhat with your "controlling" label/category (I wouldn't like a relationship like that, either, but that is not my business).

But at the same time he's been playing along for over a decade, without much complaining, and maybe that's the underlying issue? If he wants to do "wild" things occasionally, he should just speak up for himself. I have no patience and respect for guys who want to rebel, but please be mature and man enough to address it with your SO, and don't act like a four-year-old hiding things. "I didn't do it, I didn't do it!!" So childish.

[minimariah]

You can continue to pretend her response (or potential response) to the news he was going to a strip club doesn't play a role in this situation if you want.

 

lol, i'm not pretending - didn't i just acknowledge in the post above that the strip club is a problem because she obviously isn't okay with it...? she isn't okay with her husband going to the strip club, she is bothered by it. in general. does that make her controlling? no. that makes her a person with limits.

 

someone is bothered by their spouse having sex with someone else, others are bothered by their spouse watching porn and the OP is bothered by strip clubs. we all have limits and who do you think you are to tell anyone that their limit makes them controlling or unable to trust their partner?

 

also -- her texts and calls had happened BEFORE she knew he was at the strip club. she was frantic and went on GPS and obviously assumed the worst since he wasn't answering any of her texts even before she knew where he was. if you're derail the discussion by implying that the OP is lying - what is the point of this thread anyway?

 

99% of folks on this thread would do and feel the same way as the OP, but you gotta play tolerant and liberal for the cool folks.

 

You did an admirable job of defending her though. Good work.

 

no need for cheap personal shots. this is a discussion - we discuss multiple point of views & you are offering very weak arguments to defend your point.

[kgcolonel]

To me his actions based on that last post leads me to believe he feels he doesnt have your trust at all. If he is actively telling you his every move, then he more then lilely feels you have no trust in him. He is constantly having to tell you everything. Even if you say he is doing it just to do it, how do you know that is how he feels? Texting you his every move sounds like he is trying to show you you can trust him. So how has your trust been with him over 16 years? He might be filled with resentment if he thinks he has to do all that all the time. I mean really, who text their every move to their spouse if there is complete trust there?

 

Thank You!!

 

No one really knows what went on in his head except for him, nor does anyone know the "why" he "wants" to text and face time with OP all the time. We won't know but if he is berated OP will not get the real answer either. Once again a calm adult level non-judgemental conversation is in order here.

[Minnie09]

@mini: to his defense though the op admitted herself that they've never discussed it. If that's her boundary, she needs to tell him. He did not not cross a boundary by going to a stripper joint. It's never been discussed between them. I'm sure it will be now.

[autumnnight]

Basically the message here is:

 

My right to watch naked women I have never met gyrate is more important than my wife.

[SammySammy]

Nah. My argument is rock solid and is a reflection of reality that is happening all over the world every day.

 

Men (and women) avoid telling their spouses things for fear of their responses all the time.

 

That's fact whether you like it or not.

 

I don't deny truth has its place in relationships. Trust does also. Trust creates an environment that allows people to be truthful. And trust doesn't really exist when a person doesn't have the freedom to make decisions for themselves.

 

Demanding truth and honesty when there's no real trust leads to situations like this. Regardless or who we think is right or wrong.

 

That's all I'm saying ....

[minimariah]

@mini: to his defense though the op admitted herself that they've never discussed it. If that's her boundary, she needs to tell him. He did not not cross a boundary by going to a stripper joint. It's never been discussed between them. I'm sure it will be now.

 

but she also said he knows she isn't okay with it. he absolutely knew that was a limit for her - if he didn't, he would have been honest with her. we sneak and lie when we know and feel that the others would be bothered by it -- meaning that you do KNOW the limits even when they aren't directly talked about.

 

even if he ignore that, he actually left her to be sick with worry for him and his safety because he was "scared" of what she'll do if she finds out where he really was. not to mention it would be interesting to see what he'd say if she didn't use GPS & found out about the strip club.

[minimariah]

Nah. My argument is rock solid...

 

then why aren't you responding to the posts who challenege your point?

 

That's fact whether you like it or not.

 

no one is denying this fact - but you keep turning those spouses, who are afraid of voicing their true opinion, into defenseless victims. if someone chooses not to tell the truth to their spouses because they THINK the spouse won't react well - that is their problem & their fault. at the end of the day, they also CHOOSE to stay with someone they're essentially afraid of.

 

And trust doesn't really exist when a person doesn't have the freedom to make decisions for themselves.

 

i responded & shot down this "argument" before but i'll gladly do it again - what FREEDOM are you talking about? he went to the strip club after all - isn't that freedom? i really do not understand and i've asked you the same before (you ignored it) - how is he NOT free? is he being held in this marriage against his own will...? who is preventing him from making a decision for himself & isn't exactly THAT what he ultimately did?

 

unless you're in prison or being held against your own will - you absolutely do have freedom to make every decision you want & for yourself. when someone won't do that because they're afraid of their spouse -- that isn't the lack of freedom, that is cowardice.

 

Demanding truth and honesty when there's no real trust leads to situations like this.

 

demanding truth and honesty comes BEFORE trust. truth and honesty are actually what builds the road of trust. if i don't demand honest and truth from you, what the f&ck am i supposed to build my trust on?

 

trust isn't unconditional, once again. & it is something that builds over time and can crash at any moment when doubt is present. to say that trust needs to be present as a condition for honesty is absolutely illogical & backwards.

Edited October 22, 2015 by minimariah

[GunslingerRoland]

1) He shouldn't of lied to you.

2) I get the sense if he'd been honest, you'd be just as mad, and he's probably scared of you. You give him reason to be scared of you.