Husband went to a strip club and lied about it

[StBreton]

OP ...many good points on this thread ...several that need to be addressed between you and Hubby ...but in these posted opinions /perspectives is a balanced approach to be had...I think you and hubby need to make some changes ...after he apologizes for lying ...deception ...violating your trust etc ...and you acknowledge to him that you've been a little to up in his business and give him a little space to be an adult and make a decision for himself... the kind that doesn't disarm your marriage that is (one visit to an adult club doesn't apply). Your hubby is afraid to make a slight misstep IMO (one visit to an adult club with the guys). Cut him a little slack. Once in 16 years ...ok ...but that's all ...so tell him next visit is in 2031.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

but she also said he knows she isn't okay with it. he absolutely knew that was a limit for her

 

Did he now? Because she said they had never discussed it before.

[minimariah]

Did he now? Because she said they had never discussed it before.

 

it is very obvious that he did. if he really didn't & if he genuinely thought she would be okay with it - why wasn't he honest? he texts her 24/7 & he doesn't NOW that he goes to a strip club? that's really hard to believe. the OP wrote this --

 

Either way, he knows how upset and hurt I am and I'm sure he knows, at least now, that I have a MAJOR issue with strip clubs, but an even bigger issue with being ignored for hours and hours and then being lied to.

 

he blatantly ignored her - read her texts and didn't respond and then lied to her. that is literally the elephant in this thread that some members are hell bent on ignoring.

Edited October 22, 2015 by minimariah

[SammySammy]

then why aren't you responding to the posts who challenege your point?

 

 

 

no one is denying this fact - but you keep turning those spouses, who are afraid of voicing their true opinion, into defenseless victims. if someone chooses not to tell the truth to their spouses because they THINK the spouse won't react well - that is their problem & their fault. at the end of the day, they also CHOOSE to stay with someone they're essentially afraid of.

 

 

 

i responded & shot down this "argument" before but i'll gladly do it again - what FREEDOM are you talking about? he went to the strip club after all - isn't that freedom? i really do not understand and i've asked you the same before (you ignored it) - how is he NOT free? is he being held in this marriage against his own will...? who is preventing him from making a decision for himself & isn't exactly THAT what he ultimately did?

 

unless you're in prison or being held against your own will - you absolutely do have freedom to make every decision you want & for yourself. when someone won't do that because they're afraid of their spouse -- that isn't the lack of freedom, that is cowardice.

 

 

 

demanding truth and honesty comes BEFORE trust. truth and honesty are actually what builds the road of trust. if i don't demand honest and truth from you, what the f&ck am i supposed to build my trust on?

 

trust isn't unconditional, once again. & it is something that builds over time and can crash at any moment when doubt is present. to say that trust needs to be present as a condition for honesty is absolutely illogical & backwards.

 

 

I've responded to you several times.

 

Never said the husband was an innocent victim. I was simply pointing out why he may have avoided her. Never said he was right, justified or anything like that.

 

Freedom. I think he felt he didn't have the freedom to tell his wife he was going to the strip club without her losing her mind. Making it to be more than it was. Not that he didn't have the simple freedom to go.

 

These last two points are where we have a fundamental disagreement.

 

"Truth and honesty before trust". I believe trust is a lot like faith - directly related to faith. You don't say "I have faith, but only if you prove it to me first". That contradicts the very definition of faith. So does saying she can only trust him if he does what she wants. That's not trust. Trust is given before truth, honesty or anything else. You have that concept completely backwards.

 

Going to a strip club does not mean he was unfaithful to her. Does not mean he did anything in the club to harm their marriage at all. There are women - many on this forum - that have no problem with their husbands going to a strip club with his friends. No freaking out about it at all. I've seen posts where women have said they've bought lap dances for their husbands. Because they are smart enough to know the decision to cheat and the decision to go to a strip club with friends are two separate things.

 

Therefore, it's possible to trust your husband to go to a strip club and behave himself - even if you don't like it. But, this guy doesn't get that benefit of the doubt. He's not trusted. He's only kinda/sorta "trusted" if he submits to her control.

 

Let me reiterate that I'm not saying he was right or wrong for dodging her that night. I'm just that I believe if he thought he could tell his wife he was going to the strip club with friends without her blowing up, he would have done so. He's been honest about everything else.

[BetrayedH]

I think it's very possible both that he was wrong AND that she's smothering.

 

I think it would be wise for the OP to take a balanced position. If this was an isolated incident as the OP suggests, then this doesn't need to he overdramatized. But it does need to be addressed and both parties should be prepared to avoid villianizing their partner and be prepared to compromise.

 

My $.02

[mached]

I know for 100% certain that he has never been to a strip club the entire almost 16 years that we've been together. First of all, he has only been traveling for about 6 months (and his traveling is now over after this trip with his new promotion, thank god). He never stays out of contact with me long enough when he is on the road for him to go to a strip club or do anything else that is questionable. When I say he texts and calls me all the time (on his own free will), I'm not kidding. He FaceTimes me from his hotel room very shortly after getting back there from work and then texts and calls me throughout the evening. As I said before, he is usually lonely also when he is on the road. He also usually has a decent amount of work that he has to do from his hotel room when he gets back, so that often takes up a majority of his evenings. Most nights, he just orders room service or goes and grabs something to go somewhere and eats in his room. Again, his own choice. In fact, I have urged him to go out and go to an actual restaurant and even do some sightseeing and take some nice photos (he goes to a lot of nice places) when he is on the road, but he rarely wants to. Traveling tends to take a lot of steam out of him and he works really long hours while on the road, so he usually just wants to kick back in his room and watch TV or even go to the hotel pool or hot tub. Hell, he even sends me photos of his food or what he's doing! I don't even ask him to do this, he just does it on his own. Strip clubs have never been discussed because they have never been an issue until now. I can honestly say that had he not been with co-workers (co-workers much younger than him, in their 20s and early 30s and he's 44), he would NOT have gone to a place like this. What he did last night was SO completely out of character for him. He has never ever pulled anything like this before, and that is a solid fact. I'm sure he had a few drinks with the guys, even though he is not a drinker at all. He may have a total of 5-10 beers a year, if that. Either way, he knows how upset and hurt I am and I'm sure he knows, at least now, that I have a MAJOR issue with strip clubs, but an even bigger issue with being ignored for hours and hours and then being lied to.

 

In other words, you have kept his leash so short over the years that this could never happen. Way over the top IMO. Friend of mine has a wife like this. Runs EVERYTHING, and he is OK with it.

[StBreton]

I think it's very possible both that he was wrong AND that she's smothering.

 

I think it would be wise for the OP to take a balanced position. If this was an isolated incident as the OP suggests, then this doesn't need to he overdramatized. But it does need to be addressed and both parties should be prepared to avoid villianizing their partner and be prepared to compromise.

 

My $.02

 

1000+ times ^^^^^

 

OP ...are you still here?

[Ruby Slippers]

He should not have ignored you or lied.

 

You should not have barraged him with texts and calls and tracked him down like a spy.

 

In the grand scheme of things, this was a relatively minor incident. But you seem very controlling and anxious, so I'm sure you're going to blow this up to catastrophic proportions.

 

If you have a husband of 16 years who is loving, loyal, and responsible, I think you're lucky, and this isn't nearly as big a deal as you're making it out to be.

[sandylee1]

If I were the OPs husband, when he knew coworkers were taking him out, and he had promised to FT - He really should have just called her and said, the guys are taking me out to celebrate and I won't be able to FT you later - Speak tomorrow.

 

That would have avoided ALL this. Of course if there is a regular pattern of communication, it is a worry when there is a change. Any loving wife would be concerned about it.

 

I just think that in the moment of enjoying the evening - the OP was not a priority and that's what I as a wife , would find hurtful. A reply to her texts or stepping out to call would have solved it all, but being ignored, even if he just went to a restaurant would be disrespectful - now to make it worse, he was at a strip club.

He is or was 100% wrong here for the problem at hand.

 

Had he communicated the OP would never have gone to check his location.

[qubist]

Jra80: let me give you a different perspective, first of all if you ask me whether he was wrong for ignoring your texts and calls? Yes absolutely specially that you were expecting a facetime call from him but , you gotta cut him some slack and let me explain why.

you might not understand this but when a bunch of guys get together and decide to go to a strip bar the response is automatically " HELL YEAH" it's a guy thing, 99% of men would feel embarrassed to reject the offer even if they are not into watching naked women dance. that's a fact it's like peer-pressure for teenagers.

What happened after that, I can only guess that he probably felt embarrassed to tell you and didn't have the courage to talk to you in front of his friends, and again this another guy thing nobody wants to be seen inferior is the "alpha male wanna-be " that's controlling him.

again nobody can argue that he made a mistake, but again if he has been as good of husband as you described in your initial post, he deserve forgiveness. I'm sure he already feels bad that he had to lie, and will feel worst if you make it a bigger deal since he has always been the "good husband"

[Popsicle]

I feel that it's not smart to party too much or too hard with your coworkers, but jeez, you sound smothering. But then again, I'm single now and not married anymore. Married people typically enjoy smothering each other.

[StBreton]

OP ...youtube the song "Hold on loosely" by 38 special ...listen with an opened mind and heart

[autumnnight]

Going to a strip club does not mean he was unfaithful to her. Does not mean he did anything in the club to harm their marriage at all. There are women - many on this forum - that have no problem with their husbands going to a strip club with his friends. No freaking out about it at all. I've seen posts where women have said they've bought lap dances for their husbands. Because they are smart enough to know the decision to cheat and the decision to go to a strip club with friends are two separate things.

 

This is great....for THOSE women.

 

Or are you making an absolute judgment that no woman has a right to have a problem with her husband watching naked women writhe or having them writhe on his lap?

 

Cause that's pretty arrogant.

[sandylee1]

Married people typically enjoy smothering each other.

 

I agree with a few things you say - but this^^^^^^ is a very incorrect generalisation.

[MightyPen]

I feel that it's not smart to party too much or too hard with your coworkers, but jeez, you sound smothering. But then again, I'm single now and not married anymore. Married people typically enjoy smothering each other.

 

 

Maybe with a pillow.

[Got it]

Nah. My argument is rock solid and is a reflection of reality that is happening all over the world every day.

 

Men (and women) avoid telling their spouses things for fear of their responses all the time.

 

That's fact whether you like it or not.

 

I don't deny truth has its place in relationships. Trust does also. Trust creates an environment that allows people to be truthful. And trust doesn't really exist when a person doesn't have the freedom to make decisions for themselves.

 

Demanding truth and honesty when there's no real trust leads to situations like this. Regardless or who we think is right or wrong.

 

That's all I'm saying ....

 

Then you are in, or discussing, unhealthy relationships. Being able to address conflict, and NOT lying, is paramount for a healthy and authentic intimacy. Don't assume because the above is your practices that this is common in all marriages.

 

We don't do this. We address the issues. And we do not lie, lies of omission, etc. Honesty and truth is what trust is based on. Blind trust is just dumb and misguided.

 

Having been married to a man that was very comfortable with lies of omission to avoid conflict it is my number one deal breaker now. I am bluntly honest and transparent with my husband and the areas I may want to hold back I purposely forge ahead because the hesitation is EXACTLY why I need to bring them to light.

[Got it]

And I would not be okay with strip clubs if I wasn't with him and I would definitely not be okay with strip clubs on a business trip. Hard stop.

 

I also expect the both of us to do as we say and say as we do and to not ignore a person especially when they are upset. I would have reacted very similarly as the OP.

 

And for those that don't like it, well lucky you, you aren't married to me. You also miss out on the perks. But these are the dynamics we have set up, both agree to, and both comfortable with.

 

But to know I am being ignored and continued to be ignore would be a major issues for me and a major deal breaker. That is one of the most insulting and disrespectful things a spouse can do.

[SammySammy]

This is great....for THOSE women.

 

Or are you making an absolute judgment that no woman has a right to have a problem with her husband watching naked women writhe or having them writhe on his lap?

 

Cause that's pretty arrogant.

 

Nope. I'm not saying a woman doesn't have the right to have a problem with it.

 

I'm saying this husband asked his wife to TRUST him. Her husband. Trust him enough to know - from all that he's shown her for 16 years - that he can go out with the boys one night and remain her loving, faithful husband.

 

But, he knew he couldn't get that. And he didn't.

 

ETA:

 

I just thought if the shoe was on the other foot, women would be outraged at the husband's behavior.

 

If a man was uncomfortable with his wife going to Ladies Night with her friends, y'all would be screaming bloody murder about how controlling he is and how he should just trust her.

[StBreton]

Maybe with a pillow.

 

Oh my MP I'm still giggling

 

Thank you for lightening the air on this thread ...I was starting to feel smothered

 

And you meant in a sexy pillow fight way right? Lol

[MightyPen]

Oh my MP I'm still giggling

 

Thank you for lightening the air on this thread ...I was starting to feel smothered

 

And you meant in a sexy pillow fight way right? Lol

 

 

Uh sure! A sexy pillow fight way is exactly what I meant. I definitely did NOT mean smothering a spouse for the insurance policy and for the freedom to watch Parks and Rec whenever the mood hits.

[minimariah]

Never said the husband was an innocent victim.

 

but you did paint him as an innocent victim who is not trusted & who is being controlled by his nagging wife.

 

I think he felt he didn't have the freedom to tell his wife he was going to the strip club without her losing her mind.

 

doesn't this prove that he KNEW what her reaction will be? if he knew & also knew that will upset her - why did he do it? why would you do on purpose something you know will upset your SO?

 

Trust is given before truth, honesty or anything else.

 

trust is not given, trust is EARNED. it is also based on experience & over time - when the person proves that he or she is trustworthy. your concept of trust is completely illogical -- we don't trust people the moment we see them because they ask us to do so... we need to spend some time with them & get to know them... based on our experiences with them (experiences = sharing honest & truthful thoughts) - we decide if we are going to trust them or not.

 

HUUUUUUUUUUUGE difference between faith (belief) & trust - faith is unconditiona, trust isn't. i don't know how did you manage to twist around the concept of trust so drastically.

 

Going to a strip club does not mean he was unfaithful to her.

 

we're not talking about cheating. the fact that he did something he knew would upset her & did it anyway then ignored her while she was upset and freaked out and worried for him and then lied is more than enough to damage a marriage.

 

There are women - many on this forum - that have no problem with their husbands going to a strip club with his friends.

 

great for those women! but the OP isn't one of them and doesn't need to be.

 

Because they are smart enough to know the decision to cheat and the decision to go to a strip club with friends are two separate things.

 

another childish shot - you implying that those women who do have a problem with their partners visiting strip clubs are not smart.

 

here is the thing - being uncomfortable with any type of sex work doesn't mean that you're afraid that your partner will cheat. again, the OP has every right to have any limits she wants - if her husband doesn't like it, he can choose to walk away.

 

He's only kinda/sorta "trusted" if he submits to her control.

 

he is trusted until she feels she can trust him. this entire story about him being controlles is entirely your projection.

 

they were texting 24/7 = she trusts him. they text, he reads them and ignores them. she freaks out and keeps texting, he reads & ignores. she is worried that someone else maybe has his phone because this isn't like him, goes to GPS & finds him in the strip club = trust has been broken. then he lies = trust broken again.

 

can you follow this logical path of trust being present, the doubt & then the confirmation that he really is lying?

 

I'm just that I believe if he thought he could tell his wife he was going to the strip club with friends without her blowing up, he would have done so.

 

i agree with this - however, this doesn't have anything to do with his wife trusting him. you seem to think that him lying is somehow his wife's fault -- that his lies are a direct product of her not trusting him. WRONG. they are most likely a direct product of his guilt because he knew he did something she won't be comfortable with.

 

it's like going to the candy store and buying an extra candy even tho you know your momma isn't okay with that. you won't tell her the truth because you know you'll hurt her & have to deal with the backlash - not because you feel she doesn't trust you.

[Got it]

Nope. I'm not saying a woman doesn't have the right to have a problem with it.

 

I'm saying this husband asked his wife to TRUST him. Her husband. Trust him enough to know - from all that he's shown her for 16 years - that he can go out with the boys one night and remain her loving, faithful husband.

 

But, he knew he couldn't get that. And he didn't.

 

ETA:

 

I just thought if the shoe was on the other foot, women would be outraged at the husband's behavior.

 

If a man was uncomfortable with his wife going to Ladies Night with her friends, y'all would be screaming bloody murder about how controlling he is and how he should just trust her.

 

Yeah so do most people who are in affairs! "Just trust me honey, it isn't what you think". Shoot I can recall saying that.

 

Saying trust me, after or in the middle of the fact, when you are exhibiting untrustworthy behavior is ridiculous.

 

And enough with the violins that this poor pitiful man had no options. He easily could have been upfront and honest, said what he was doing and that he was fine and would talk to her later. He would have owned his behavior, decision, and still acknowledged her.

[minimariah]

I'm saying this husband asked his wife to TRUST him.

 

he didn't. you literally made this entire story up.

 

in fact - he lied to her first and THEN asked her to trust him. luckily for her, the OP isn't dumb enough to buy it.

 

I just thought if the shoe was on the other foot, women would be outraged at the husband's behavior.

 

actually, we had similar threads before and the reactions and comments are the same. you really can't pull the "gender" crap on LS. this forum is very gender neutral when it comes to situations like these.

[SammySammy]

but you did paint him as an innocent victim who is not trusted & who is being controlled by his nagging wife.

 

 

 

doesn't this prove that he KNEW what her reaction will be? if he knew & also knew that will upset her - why did he do it? why would you do on purpose something you know will upset your SO?

 

 

 

trust is not given, trust is EARNED. it is also based on experience & over time - when the person proves that he or she is trustworthy. your concept of trust is completely illogical -- we don't trust people the moment we see them because they ask us to do so... we need to spend some time with them & get to know them... based on our experiences with them (experiences = sharing honest & truthful thoughts) - we decide if we are going to trust them or not.

 

HUUUUUUUUUUUGE difference between faith (belief) & trust - faith is unconditiona, trust isn't. i don't know how did you manage to twist around the concept of trust so drastically.

 

 

 

we're not talking about cheating. the fact that he did something he knew would upset her & did it anyway then ignored her while she was upset and freaked out and worried for him and then lied is more than enough to damage a marriage.

 

 

 

great for those women! but the OP isn't one of them and doesn't need to be.

 

 

 

another childish shot - you implying that those women who do have a problem with their partners visiting strip clubs are not smart.

 

here is the thing - being uncomfortable with any type of sex work doesn't mean that you're afraid that your partner will cheat. again, the OP has every right to have any limits she wants - if her husband doesn't like it, he can choose to walk away.

 

 

 

he is trusted until she feels she can trust him. this entire story about him being controlles is entirely your projection.

 

they were texting 24/7 = she trusts him. they text, he reads them and ignores them. she freaks out and keeps texting, he reads & ignores. she is worried that someone else maybe has his phone because this isn't like him, goes to GPS & finds him in the strip club = trust has been broken. then he lies = trust broken again.

 

can you follow this logical path of trust being present, the doubt & then the confirmation that he really is lying?

 

 

 

i agree with this - however, this doesn't have anything to do with his wife trusting him. you seem to think that him lying is somehow his wife's fault -- that his lies are a direct product of her not trusting him. WRONG. they are most likely a direct product of his guilt because he knew he did something she won't be comfortable with.

 

it's like going to the candy store and buying an extra candy even tho you know your momma isn't okay with that. you won't tell her the truth because you know you'll hurt her & have to deal with the backlash - not because you feel she doesn't trust you.

 

As I said, minimariah, you and I have a fundamental disagreement about the definition of trust.

 

I just checked an online dictionary and faith is a synonym of trust. Trust is a synonym of faith. There is not a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE difference between faith and trust at all. They are quite closely related. True faith and trust are given without any proof at all.

 

And this nonsense about not doing things because she might get upset ... controlling. Manipulative.

[StBreton]

Uh sure! A sexy pillow fight way is exactly what I meant. I definitely did NOT mean smothering a spouse for the insurance policy and for the freedom to watch Parks and Rec whenever the mood hits.

 

Ahahaha

 

I have a feeling if there was super drama going on we'd be over in the corner Emceeing the whole thing ...in very serious tones of course ..

 

 

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