Husband went to a strip club and lied about it

[MightyPen]

Ahahaha

 

I have a feeling if there was super drama going on we'd be over in the corner Emceeing the whole thing ...in very serious tones of course ..

 

 

Most prolific poster on a hotly debated thread goes to ...

 

 

Yup! Like those golf announcers giving the play-by-play of the giant octopus attack on the Geico commercial. And this isn't "super dramatic" enough for you??

[SammySammy]

he didn't. you literally made this entire story up.

 

in fact - he lied to her first and THEN asked her to trust him. luckily for her, the OP isn't dumb enough to buy it.

 

 

 

actually, we had similar threads before and the reactions and comments are the same. you really can't pull the "gender" crap on LS. this forum is very gender neutral when it comes to situations like these.

 

So ... he did ask her to trust him? That's what I said. Made no mention of lying first, after or at any time at all. His wife didn't and doesn't trust him. That's my point.

 

And this forum is not gender neutral at all.

[StBreton]

Yup! Like those golf announcers giving the play-by-play of the giant octopus attack on the Geico commercial. And this isn't "super dramatic" enough for you??

 

Ahahaha ...great image!

 

And YES I do think it's Sdrama ...I'm thinking for the next one I'll meet you on the thread ...we'll be like two flies on the wall buzzing in every once in a while

 

This one's like watching the final match point between Martina Navratilova and Christie Everett

[minimariah]

As I said, minimariah, you and I have a fundamental disagreement about the definition of trust.

 

there is no disagreement, you are wrong. that is a fact.

 

I just checked an online dictionary and faith is a synonym of trust.

 

not at all. especially not in this case. you can google "the difference between trust and faith/belief", too.

 

True faith and trust are given without any proof at all.

 

in that case, i ask you to trust me. if trust is given, not earned - it means it is unconditional. it also means you have 0 criteria when deciding who will have your trust - so trust me when i say that you're wrong.

 

now... this is a trick question. you have to trust me because if you don't - that will mean that your trust is conditional and based on something... it is not given, it is earned. you also have to trust me without any proof or demanding honesty or truth from me. that is how your logic works.

 

if you don't base your trust on honesty and truth from the other person - then what is your trust based on?

 

And this nonsense about not doing things because she might get upset ... controlling. Manipulative.

 

seriously...? if your girlfriend doesn't throw your favourite shirt in the trash can because she knows that will upset you - you'd view that as manipulative and controlling? i'd view that as her caring about your feelings and wanting you to be happy.

 

So ... he did ask her to trust him?

 

he did - at the moment she already knew he was lying.

 

Made no mention of lying first, after or at any time at all.

 

yeah, i noticed you left out the most important part - so i mentioned it for you.

 

His wife didn't and doesn't trust him.

 

she trusted him UNTIL he lied. your point is that she didn't trust him at all, not even before he lied and that his lies came as direct consequence of her not trusting him.

 

i have, along with other posters, proven you wrong five times by now.

[SammySammy]

if you don't base your trust on honesty and truth from the other person - then what is your trust based on?

 

This is actually a very good question. Let's look at the definition of trust - Merriam-Webster good enough for you?

Trust

- belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.

 

Hmmm.

 

The very first line on the page. The BELIEF that someone is going to do good by you. Belief. Faith. Trust. Very similar and all are granted, not earned.

 

Imagine that.

 

she trusted him UNTIL he lied. your point is that she didn't trust him at all, not even before he lied and that his lies came as direct consequence of her not trusting him.

 

i have, along with other posters, proven you wrong five times by now.

 

I still believe she never trusted him at all. Even before his lying. Her actions prove that. According to the definition of trust ....

 

And ... you've never proven me wrong. I've never been wrong.

[autumnnight]

Again, I'm not saying his lying is justified.

 

I'm just saying if he thought his wife would react calmly to the news he was going to a strip club, there is no need to lie or even to avoid her until later. If he was trusted, then telling her is not a big deal.

 

Why is this so hard to understand?

 

Because being afraid to tell the truth is not an excuse too lie..

[kilgore]

Because being afraid to tell the truth is not an excuse too lie..

 

Yes but this is not a huge infraction

[autumnnight]

Yes but this is not a huge infraction

 

Who got to define the absolute standard of what is an infraction

 

So lying about going to a strip club its fine but lying about kissing someone else is not

[kilgore]

Who got to define the absolute standard of what is an infraction

 

So lying about going to a strip club its fine but lying about kissing someone else is not

 

Neither are fine but second one is much less fine

[Lois_Griffin]

I think the reason a lot of us centered in on the 'smothered' thing is because of the statement the OP made in her initial post:

I get lonely when he is away and he knows this.

I stand by my original post. The OP is offended and claiming we're wrong and he's constantly contacting her because HE wants to do it.

 

But that completely contradicts the quote above - obviously.

 

I think the poor guy feels a burden to be in constant touch and just wanted some breathing room.

 

HOWEVER, I also maintain it was the wrong way to go about it, lying and sneaking off like that.

 

Lastly, it's obvious he was afraid to tell her as it was happening because he knew there would just be way too much drama to deal with.

[SammySammy]

I think the reason a lot of us centered in on the 'smothered' thing is because of the statement the OP made in her initial post:

 

I stand by my original post. The OP is offended and claiming we're wrong and he's constantly contacting her because HE wants to do it.

 

But that completely contradicts the quote above - obviously.

 

I think the poor guy feels a burden to be in constant touch and just wanted some breathing room.

 

HOWEVER, I also maintain it was the wrong way to go about it, lying and sneaking off like that.

 

Lastly, it's obvious he was afraid to tell her as it was happening because he knew there would just be way too much drama to deal with.

 

I totally agree.

 

The boys asked him to hang out and, just one time in 16 years, he went along with them.

 

Would have been nice to be able to do that with no drama. No such luck.

[Goodbye]

I didn't get past the first page of responses but was surprised how everyone turned this into a "lecture the OP" on how not to be co-dependent thread. If she is used to communicating frequently with H while he travels and he participates willingly in this routine, what's wrong with it? Lots of couples share this kind of closeness, depends on the individuals making up that couple.

 

There are lots of opinions about strip clubs. I, for one, am not a fan. If I ever have a future relationship, I will let that be known. I'd assume after 16 years together, some sort of conversation on strip bars would have come up at some time. My exH pulled something similar, and like you, I was upset. I chose to let it go because we'd never officially discussed whether or no strip clubs were offensive to either of us, so it never even crossed my mind that he'd go there.

 

My biggest issue is that your H went "off the radar" atypically for such a period of time and appears to have been at minimum fibbing about some of the details. I'd advise that (if you trust him that he didn't cheat) you tell him this is NOT ok going forward, and then let it go. Don't keep rehashing it. Define expectations and assume he is keeping up his end unless you have valid reason to suspect otherwise.

[SJS]

Curious OP, has he shut off his location sharing?

 

I don't think it's odd that you communicate a lot. When my husband travels for work he typically calls/texts a lot as well. He travels alone but doesn't want to feel like he's alone when dining, etc, so he calls or texts then. Sometimes I'm the one who gets annoyed because he calls so much and I can't get anything done when he's gone!

 

I also don't think it's odd to use the GPS to find him. That's why it's called "find my friends". The strip club issue is for you guys to figure out whether right or wrong. The blatant ignoring and unresponsiveness would make me question what else was going on that he couldn't even acknowledge you. He could've easily excused himself to use the restroom and texted back that they stopped off for drinks or something. I know if the tables were turned and I acted that way, he'd be very unhappy, so it goes without saying (for us anyway) that it goes both ways.

[Goodbye]

And for those saying that it is hard to say no. Sorry but I am going to say "(wo)man up". I travel a lot for work, I will be offered things that on a wide scale are things I don't want to do, shouldn't do, etc. Learn to politely decline and go to your room.

 

The most successful executives I know, the ones that have been successful in multiple companies, are one that understand the best approach is knowing nothing good happens after 9:30pm, and 1-2 drinks max. You are judged on how you act any time of the day when you are around coworkers. And MANY careers have been destroyed because of one bad decision one night.

 

 

 

Completely agree. WHAT kind of a career in 2015 is going to be bolstered by alcohol and strip clubs???

[hudson701]

OP getting mega defensive here.... Poor husband, he's gonna get annihilated when he gets home, isn't he? Just like a kitten who just shat on a new carpet.

[minimariah]

This is actually a very good question.

 

a very good question that you didn't answer so i will repeat again -- what is your trust in relationships with other people based on?

 

Let's look at the definition of trust - Merriam-Webster good enough for you?

Trust - belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.

 

again -- what is this belief based on?

 

you using ONE definition out of at least 5 of both NOUN & VERB used in different context isn't good enough.

 

Very similar and all are granted, not earned.

 

granted & earned aren't mutually exclusive though, not when it comes to trust because they come in at different stages. we (including you, too) meet people, give them opportunities & based on those experiences (we wait for them to prove to be trustworthy = to earn our trust) we grant them our trust, assume that everything else in the future they do or say is true.

 

trust is based on people's honesty & level of truth you're receiving from them. no one will trust a person the moment they meet them -- you relying on bold dictionary definitions won't change that simple fact.

 

which again leads us to your wrong assumption which you used to shift the blame on the OP -- first comes TRUTH AND TRANSPARENCY... then trust. everything else is you pretending to be dense, really.

 

you're wrong even if we stick by the bold assumptions because the OP did trust her husband until she had a reason not to - the fact that YOU don't believe her is completely irrelevant.

 

According to the definition of trust...

 

actually, no -- because the definition doesn't say anything about trust being unbreakable or infinite. you trust until you have a reason not to, which is what had happened in this case. again, the fact that YOU seem to think that the OP is lying is your problem.

 

...you've never proven me wrong.

 

i think your posts on this thread are great because i'm almost positive that the OP's husband will serve her the same gaslight, manipulation & derailing you're serving right now. she should be prepared & able to recognize it when it is (or will be) done to her.

Edited October 23, 2015 by minimariah

[Popsicle]

I totally agree.

 

The boys asked him to hang out and, just one time in 16 years, he went along with them.

 

Would have been nice to be able to do that with no drama. No such luck.

 

But you think like a single person though (I do too, ftr). Married people don't think this way (I didn't when I was married). Single and married people are different.

[minimariah]

But that completely contradicts the quote above - obviously.

 

it doesn't.

 

if my partner is lonely and i know it, i will WANT to text him because i know he is lonely and because i love him & obviously want to cheer him up.

 

so yeah... it doesn't contradict it. at all.

[SammySammy]

Oh man ....

 

Look, minimariah. This is not hard. By definition, trust is based upon the BELIEF that a person is good, honest, etc. It's not based upon evidence of truth, transparency or whatever. If you already have evidence, there is no need to trust. No need to believe. No need to have faith.

 

Yes, the man lied. But, we've already established that at least part of her freaking out was because he was at a strip club and part of the reason (not an excuse or justification) he didn't tell her was because he knew she didn't trust him to go to a strip club.

 

My underlying point all along is I believe he would have told her where he was (wouldn't have avoided her and lied) if he was trusted just a little more. That he was capable of making the decision to hang out with his friends - at a strip club - and still stay true to his marriage.

 

I'm not blaming her. Not blaming him. I don't believe either was totally right or wrong in this situation.

 

Just wondering what could have happened if he was trusted a little more. Didn't have to fear drama because he wanted to hang out. That's all.

[TX-SC]

When I was single, I went to a few strip clubs. It didn't take me long to figure out it is a waste of money. Once I got married, I never went back to one.

 

I haven't read the whole thread, but my take is this... He lied and hid it. He made you worry about him by not responding. These are issues you need to address. I don't see this as cheating but the lying is an issue. And, if he crossed a known boundary then talk it out.

[minimariah]

Look, minimariah. This is not hard.

 

it isn't hard being nice either - you can do it. come on. this is a simple discussion and your 5th post with cheap shots because you can't handle someone disagreeing with you. don't make me raise you all over again.

 

play fair & nice.

 

By definition, trust is based upon the BELIEF that a person is good, honest, etc.

 

sweetheart, what is that BELIEF based on? what SYSTEM is that belief based on? EVERY BELIEF is based on something. do you walk around thinking that absolutely everyone you see & meet are good and honest? since i clearly won't get an answer --

 

It's not based upon evidence of truth, transparency or whatever.

 

it is based on EXPERIENCE. we can't talk about evidence, especially not in scientific sense -- once you spend time with someone and you connect with them and you at least FEEL & see that they are being honest with you - you grant them that trust. based on previous positive experiences you decide to trust them from that point on.

 

My underlying point all along is I believe he would have told her where he was (wouldn't have avoided her and lied) if he was trusted just a little more.

 

this is shifting the entire blame on her -- you do realize that.......... right?

 

I'm not blaming her. Not blaming him.

 

you're blaming her & painting him to be some kind of helpless victim, a poor soul who just wanted to have fun and now is stuck with his over dramatic wife. when called out on it - you play stupid. that's... really it.

 

Just wondering what could have happened if he was trusted a little more.

 

for the last time... really LAST TIME -- the reason for his lies cannot be and isn't his wife's distrust. it is his wife not being comfortable with him going to the strip clubs. her discomfort doesn't have to be connected with her fear of getting cheated on at all. understood? i have a problem with my partner visiting strip clubs - and it has nothing to do with me thinking he'll cheat. get it? it can make you uncomfortable without it being related to cheating.

 

like i said, i am almost positive her husband will use your tactic on her and turn it around on her (that's exactly what you did) & blame it on her because she didn't trust him enough.

 

"i lied to you because i knew you don't trust me" tactic. and i hope she isn't stupid enough to buy it.

Edited October 23, 2015 by minimariah

[SammySammy]

minimariah, you're living in a fantasy world if you don't know:

 

1. Trust is based on belief and belief is not tied to truth. It's possible to believe something that is not true. Possible to trust someone who may not be honest.

 

2. People lie sometimes because they fear the response they'll get. Whether it's right or wrong, it happens ... for that exact REASON!

 

Those two things are true whether you agree with me or not.

 

We can go another 100 rounds of this discussion and nothing will change because I know I'm right.

 

I know you're trying to make me quit. I'm too stubborn to quit. Let's just call this a stalemate, eh?

[WomenWubber]

Any suggestions? Advice? I can't even sleep because I am so upset.

 

Sit down. Communicate.

 

Make your expectations of him clear. You will not accept lies, being sneaky on you, etc.

 

But then you listen to him too. Why did he disrespect you like that? Ask all the questions. Also listen to what he expects from you as well. Give and take.

[minimariah]

Those two things are true whether you agree with me or not.

 

but these statements aren't in conflict with what i've written. i'm not sure why you wrote it, as if it will somehow prove that i'm wrong --

 

Trust is based on belief and belief is not tied to truth.

 

belief is based on EXPERIENCES. that was the correct answer to my questions. you don't just wake up one day and decide to believe into something or someone - it has to come from somwhere. it is based on positive experiences one thinks are honest or truthful. you're trying to bend this definition even though it really clearly doesn't fit the real life.

 

when we talk about truth - we don't talk about science or evidence. we talk about each person's view of what is true and what feels honest to THEM. you don't have to break it down what belief is to me - you just have to understand that we aren't talking about scientific and universal truth, but our personal truth here.

 

when someone decides to start believing in God, it usually happens as a consequence of positive experiences. you don't wake up one day and become a Muslim, for example. are you able to understand that? that's a very logical proof that belief is indeed based on something.

 

It's possible to believe something that is not true. Possible to trust someone who may not be honest.

 

not sure why are you writing this because i never said that it wasn't.

 

People lie sometimes because they fear the response they'll get.

 

absolutely.

 

for that exact REASON!

 

they lie because they know the truth will upset the other person. has nothing to do with that other person not trusting them. we have been over this 10 times -- you're wrong. i couldn't be more clear or explain it more simple to you even if i really tried.

 

I know I'm right.

 

if you repeat it ten times more, it might become true!

 

I know you're trying to make me quit.

 

i honestly couldn't care less if you "quit" or not. i'm just a member on this Forum participating in this thread/discussion before i fall asleep.

 

I'm too stubborn to quit.

 

that's the problem -- you want to be right and want to have the last word, even when proved wrong - which is what keeps you going. not a genuine wish for a discussion. it is an ego thing for you which is why you can't admit when you're proven wrong.

 

Let's just call this a stalemate, eh?

 

we won't "call" anything. if you're bored and don't want to discuss it anymore, just log off or stop reading and replying to my posts. simple as that, lol.

Edited October 23, 2015 by minimariah

[Qboro90]

This guy is the model husband. Getting promoted at work... Stays in contact with his wife even while out on business and socializing while away, face times before bed. If the OP can't handle 1 strip club and trust that her husband can in fact be around other women without losing all self control then the marriage is not strong enough to last anyways.

 

Sorry to burst your bubble but no matter what company you work for or who your co workers are.... Eventually there's gonna be a night where someone suggests a strip club and the group goes. I've been with my gf for 5 years and have been to strip clubs maybe 5 times in that time period following work dinners or things like that. I'll tell her once I see her the following day and she knows that I'm just sitting there, have a drink and then that's it. Your suffocating your husband.

 

Even in your Op you acknowledge that saying "he's not like this!" "He's usually in bed by 10pm".... Jeez, give the man a little bit of breathing room. If he's texting you constantly while out to dinner and with co workers then he's pretty well whipped. One strip club doesn't mean he's the devil or a bad husband. Although knowing he has an uptight wife who freaks out when he goes an hour without responding may eventually make him crack.