Husband went to a strip club and lied about it

[SammySammy]

Believe it or not, I was never trying to prove you wrong.

 

I have my own opinion and I stick by it no matter what anybody else thinks. That's just how I am. What anyone thinks of me and my opinion is irrelevant.

 

But, I like your fire. Like your passion. I respect you tremendously for standing your ground.

Edited October 23, 2015 by MidKnightDreams

[anna121]

Again, I'm not saying his lying is justified.

 

I'm just saying if he thought his wife would react calmly to the news he was going to a strip club, there is no need to lie or even to avoid her until later. If he was trusted, then telling her is not a big deal.

 

Why is this so hard to understand?

 

Not hard to understand. But let's say a woman was on a business trip and didn't feel like telling/asking her husband that she was going to dinner with her male boss, b/c she knew he wouldn't remain calm.

 

Does she get to be trusted, too? Is her lie of omission understandable?

[SammySammy]

Not hard to understand. But let's say a woman was on a business trip and didn't feel like telling/asking her husband that she was going to dinner with her male boss, b/c she knew he wouldn't remain calm.

 

Does she get to be trusted, too? Is her lie of omission understandable?

 

Ideally, he should remain calm because he trusts her. And she shouldn't lie ... because she is trusted.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Because that's where I'm really coming from. Definitely not saying lying is okay.

[rbrock2323]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm hoping to get some advice/insight. My husband and I have been together for a total of almost 16 years. We've always had a very good relationship and a solid marriage. At the beginning of the year, he got a promotion at work, which involves traveling all over the United States to different client locations. He has been traveling about 2 weeks per month on average since March. He is currently in Florida and will be home tomorrow. Thankfully, just the other day he received a much bigger promotion, which will involve significantly less travel, little to none, maybe 3-4 times a year max, so we are ecstatic about this. More pay, way less travel, and even better hours.

 

Anyway, let me get to the reason for my post. Tonight, my husband told me that he and several of his co-workers were going out to dinner, something they typically do on these trips. He even texted me several times while he was at dinner, something he always does. We are always almost in constant contact when he's on the road. Just a few minutes before 9 pm, he texted me and said that they were just waiting for their checks and then he would be heading back to his hotel and would FaceTime me once he got there, which we do every single night when he's away. About an hour went by and I still hadn't heard from him, which is very unusual, so I texted him. No reply. I texted again asking where he was. Again, no reply. This was NOT like him. I then tried calling him a couple of times. No answer. Another hour went by and still not a single peep from him. Now I was starting to worry. Was he okay? Had something bad happened? I tried texting and calling him several more times and no answer. I was REALLY worried at this point. However, I went to text him again and I saw that he had read my texts (we have iPhones with read receipts), but he did not text me back. This is 110% completely NOT normal behavior for my husband whatsoever. He ALWAYS texts right back. Then, it occurred to me to use the "find my iPhone" app to see if it would show his location. Well, that it did....AT A STRIP CLUB!!!!! My worry immediately shifted to pure rage. He has NEVER done this before! EVER!!! I then started texting him expressing my sheer anger and told him I knew where he was and that he had broken my trust and significantly hurt me. Once again, he was reading my texts, but not responding and still wasn't answering when I tried to call him. Anyone who knows my husband knows that this is totally not like him. He has NEVER done anything like this in the nearly 16 years we've been together. Finally, just a few minutes before midnight, he texted me and said that some of his coworkers had taken him out to celebrate his promotion. My response was, "yeah, to a strip club." He told me it was not a strip club. I told him to stop lying to me, that I saw where he was via GPS on his phone, and I had even gone to the club's web site. He then told me I should trust him and still insisted that it was not a strip club. The lying was almost making me nauseous. I then asked him why he had been ignoring me all this time, even when I texted and left voicemails saying how worried sick I was and to please just answer me so I knew he was okay and that nothing was wrong. He then stopped answering me and I never heard from him for the rest of the night. Again, 100% NOT like him.. I kept checking the GPS and he didn't even get back to his hotel until about 2:30 in the morning and he has to be at work at 8 am. This is so completely out of character for him. My husband doesn't drink, doesn't party, doesn't go to clubs, or anything like that. He is almost always in bed by 10 pm during the week, oftentimes even earlier.

 

I think I am more hurt that he lied to me than anything else and that he totally ignored me all night when we were supposed to FaceTime after he had dinner. I get lonely when he is away and he knows this. I work from home full-time and we have no kids. How should I handle this? I will admit that I sent several texts to him out of sheer anger and hurt, things like "I hope one night of fun was worth destroying our marraige" and "you have totally broken my trust" and "how could you blow off your wife to go watch a bunch of naked girls all night???" He never responded. He just went back to the hotel without even so much as texting or calling me, which he has never done. What should I say to him today? Should I text him first or should I wait for him to text or call me first? He comes home tomorrow (Friday)and I don't want a huge fight, but I feel that is inevitable. I am so, so hurt and feel so incredibly betrayed. Never in a million years did I think he'd do something like this. I called my mother and she thinks it was probably because he was with a bunch of guys from work and they were all going, so he felt he needed to go too, but that still doesn't make it right. He's 44 years old and knows how to say no to people.

 

Any suggestions? Advice? I can't even sleep because I am so upset.

 

Maybe he wanted a break from you for a change. Believe it or not, some men don't like feeling obligated to call, text, and face-to-face with their wives all day long when they're at work, even if it's travel. I hope he had a good time.

[kilgore]

Maybe he wanted a break from you for a change. Believe it or not, some men don't like feeling obligated to call, text, and face-to-face with their wives all day long when they're at work, even if it's travel. I hope he had a good time.

 

That seems callous and a little mean. But I do think this was blown a bit out of proportion

[rbrock2323]

That seems callous and a little mean. But I do think this was blown a bit out of proportion

 

There's nothing callous or mean about it. The guy is in CONSTANT CONTACT with his wife no matter the circumstances. He could use a break from her. That's not mean, that's just a fact. Sometimes the truth hurts. I'm sure she checks out the occasional dude at the grocery store, her workplace, etc. Maybe she should tell her husband every time a sexual thought about another man pops into her mind. It's drama, she has a good man, get over it.

[sandylee1]

 

I still believe she never trusted him at all. Even before his lying.

 

 

Quite the contrary......The OP has 100% trust in her husband. There was absolutely nothing to do with lack of trust......it simply became a matter of concern for his safety when he didn't respond to her messages.

 

In fact, my view was that she had TOO MUCH trust, in stating he'd never done anything like this before and didn't have the opportunity, as she always knew where he was.

 

OP - think about this...........had he called and told you the guys were taking him out for drinks to celebrate...........you'd have been none the wiser...........he wouldn't have told you about it when he got home......so based on this....I personally wouldn't be stating beyond a shadow of doubt, that it's never happened before......because you would never have thought he'd do it this time and you only found out by chance, because he wasn't sensible enough to communicate properly.

 

I reiterate, that I'm not saying your husband HAS done this before, but it's certainly possible.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I know for 100% certain that he has never been to a strip club the entire almost 16 years that we've been together. First of all, he has only been traveling for about 6 months (and his traveling is now over after this trip with his new promotion, thank god). He never stays out of contact with me long enough when he is on the road for him to go to a strip club or do anything else that is questionable. When I say he texts and calls me all the time (on his own free will), I'm not kidding. He FaceTimes me from his hotel room very shortly after getting back there from work and then texts and calls me throughout the evening. As I said before, he is usually lonely also when he is on the road. He also usually has a decent amount of work that he has to do from his hotel room when he gets back, so that often takes up a majority of his evenings. Most nights, he just orders room service or goes and grabs something to go somewhere and eats in his room. Again, his own choice. In fact, I have urged him to go out and go to an actual restaurant and even do some sightseeing and take some nice photos (he goes to a lot of nice places) when he is on the road, but he rarely wants to. Traveling tends to take a lot of steam out of him and he works really long hours while on the road, so he usually just wants to kick back in his room and watch TV or even go to the hotel pool or hot tub. Hell, he even sends me photos of his food or what he's doing! I don't even ask him to do this, he just does it on his own. Strip clubs have never been discussed because they have never been an issue until now. I can honestly say that had he not been with co-workers (co-workers much younger than him, in their 20s and early 30s and he's 44), he would NOT have gone to a place like this. What he did last night was SO completely out of character for him. He has never ever pulled anything like this before, and that is a solid fact. I'm sure he had a few drinks with the guys, even though he is not a drinker at all. He may have a total of 5-10 beers a year, if that. Either way, he knows how upset and hurt I am and I'm sure he knows, at least now, that I have a MAJOR issue with strip clubs, but an even bigger issue with being ignored for hours and hours and then being lied to.

 

So he calls and texts you all the time because he is lonely. He rarely goes out and is lonely on trips. You encourage him to go out to a real restaurant instead of staying in all the time. You probably tell him go out to dinner with x,y,z from work...You have never discussed strip clubs with him ever. Never laid down a boundary for him to clearly see. He decides to take you up on your suggestions of going out for some fun. Goes to dinner with his buddies. They invite him out. He probably had an idea that you wouldn't like him going to a strip club, BUT that boundary has never been firmly set by you as you have just admitted. So he decides to go out without letting you know where he is to have some fun and do something out of character for once at 44 years of age. Live it up for a night. Possibly to celebrate his promotion with his work buddies. He avoided texting you back immediately, because he was having a good time with his friends. But he got carried away a little, didn't think about your feelings that night. Lied to try and stop a fight. Then knowing he was busted, probably decided eff it. I'm in trouble now anyway, so I might as well enjoy the rest of my night. Didn't get back till 2:30.

 

It probably went something like that. He had an out of character night out on the town at 44 years old. He just got a promotion. Probably was feeling good about life, and said, screw it im gonna do something crazy for me tonight!

 

Don't let this ruin your marage. I really don't think it's that big of a deal. Yeah he lied, he was disrespectful and didn't think about your feelings this night. He called the next day knowing he has work to do to smooth things over with you. But keep his actions in perspective. One out of character night on the town, vs years of devotion.

[TunaCat]

As a woman, the strip club thing wouldn't bother me. What would bother me is the lying. He should not be afraid to tell his wife that he went to a strip club with the guys from work.

 

The fact that he lied is the thing that needs to be investigated.

[SammySammy]

As a woman, the strip club thing wouldn't bother me. What would bother me is the lying. He should not be afraid to tell his wife that he went to a strip club with the guys from work.

 

The fact that he lied is the thing that needs to be investigated.

 

I don't think he would have lied to you. There would be no reason to. Different relationship dynamic, different result.

[SolG]

I can kinda see this from both perspectives.

 

I can see that it's incredibly disconcerting to have your SO break from an established pattern without warning.

 

I can also see how an SO who always keeps themselves on the straight and narrow may relish the chance to cut loose. Particularly at the urging of colleagues to celebrate a promotion.

 

I can understand a spouse at home feeling lonely and excluded.

 

I can understand the H maybe having a few too many and then thinking its jus a bit of fun.

 

And I can understand the spouse at home worrying.

 

I can understand the H then going... Ok... I'm already in trouble, in for a penny, in for a pound! If I'm going to be lambasted, might as well make it worth my while.

 

And the spouse at home completely living up to that expectation and not giving him a payoff (subjectively) from H perspective for replying or explaining. And stewing, and texting.

 

At the root of it... What man doesn't want to have a little fun looking at gorgeous naked women in some form or another? Even if he dearly loves and respects his wife and would never activel disrespect her.

 

And conversely... What woman doesn't feel at least a little insecure at the thought of her H looking at women (or even worse, paying to look at them) at a STRIP CLUB (as the OP yelled it). Women who she probably fears he is more attracted to than her. Even though she knows he loves her.

 

And so he lies. And so she frets.

 

Now it's happened... What a great conversation to sit down and have to understand each other better. And to discuss your rules of engagement--formed through understanding and love--going forward.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I know a lot of people are okay with strip clubs. I am not one of them. I don't think strip clubs belong in a relationship. When you are single, go all you want. If you are with me, no. I would consider a strip club a deal breaker. My partner knows how I feel about the subject.For me it's a breaking of my trust and a disrespect of something that bothers me.

[Got it]

There's nothing callous or mean about it. The guy is in CONSTANT CONTACT with his wife no matter the circumstances. He could use a break from her. That's not mean, that's just a fact. Sometimes the truth hurts. I'm sure she checks out the occasional dude at the grocery store, her workplace, etc. Maybe she should tell her husband every time a sexual thought about another man pops into her mind. It's drama, she has a good man, get over it.

 

How do you know he wants a break? Are you a mind reader? I travel a lot and am frequent contact with my husband. And a lot of it can be him contacting. Does that mean he is being overbearing and that I want a break?

 

Or is it just an assumption that all men want to be out of contact with their wives, want to come and go at their leisure, and see contact as harping as well as seeing a naked woman or two?

 

I also enjoy the number of men I suspect who are commenting that she is overbearing are actually people who don't frequently travel. So have little idea of how this plays into a relationship and daily interaction.

[Mycatsnuggles]

I know a man very similar to the OPs husband from work. His wife is in constant contact with him via text/phone/FaceTime it's kinda a running joke around the office. If he does not respond to a text she becomes upset, she also tracks his movements on friend finder. If he is not in a local that she is aware of she will FaceTime him to check out why. He goes along with all of this. He calmly replies to her frantic messages, it occurs so much we all know.

 

He refers to it as his leash. It's embarrassing to him but he knows to keep her happy he must comply.

 

I don't know if this is the case with the OP but just because he complies does not mean he likes it.

[autumnnight]

Oh man ....

 

Look, minimariah. This is not hard. By definition, trust is based upon the BELIEF that a person is good, honest, etc. It's not based upon evidence of truth, transparency or whatever. If you already have evidence, there is no need to trust. No need to believe. No need to have faith.

 

Yes, the man lied. But, we've already established that at least part of her freaking out was because he was at a strip club and part of the reason (not an excuse or justification) he didn't tell her was because he knew she didn't trust him to go to a strip club.

 

My underlying point all along is I believe he would have told her where he was (wouldn't have avoided her and lied) if he was trusted just a little more. That he was capable of making the decision to hang out with his friends - at a strip club - and still stay true to his marriage.

 

I'm not blaming her. Not blaming him. I don't believe either was totally right or wrong in this situation.

 

Just wondering what could have happened if he was trusted a little more. Didn't have to fear drama because he wanted to hang out. That's all.

 

This reminds me of the teenager who gets mad when Dad won't let her go to the wild party: Daaaaad, don't you TRUST me?? And then when they go anyway and get plastered and get a DUI, somehow it's Dad's fault.

[SammySammy]

This reminds me of the teenager who gets mad when Dad won't let her go to the wild party: Daaaaad, don't you TRUST me?? And then when they go anyway and get plastered and get a DUI, somehow it's Dad's fault.

 

That's a ridiculous comparison.

 

Her husband is a grown man and fully capable of going out with his friends without her control.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Quite the contrary......The OP has 100% trust in her husband. There was absolutely nothing to do with lack of trust......it simply became a matter of concern for his safety when he didn't respond to her messages.

 

In fact, my view was that she had TOO MUCH trust, in stating he'd never done anything like this before and didn't have the opportunity, as she always knew where he was.

 

OP - think about this...........had he called and told you the guys were taking him out for drinks to celebrate...........you'd have been none the wiser...........he wouldn't have told you about it when he got home......so based on this....I personally wouldn't be stating beyond a shadow of doubt, that it's never happened before......because you would never have thought he'd do it this time and you only found out by chance, because he wasn't sensible enough to communicate properly.

 

I reiterate, that I'm not saying your husband HAS done this before, but it's certainly possible.

 

A leap worthy of Indiana Jones. Talk about instigating! How do you know she has 100% trust BTW? I went back and read all her posts again to make sure I didn't miss anything. I even asked her on page 2 how has the trust been in her relationship. She never answered that question. She only kept going on and on about how she isn't controlling or suffocating, and that she knows when and where he is at all times ( lol just typing that is kind of funny) "by his own volition". She never brought up trust, even when directly asked about it.

[SammySammy]

Right.

 

That's like saying "I trust my dog not to run off ... as long as I have this leash on him". That's not trust. If you really trusted, you would unleash him believing that he would come back.

 

Saying that she's not controlling or suffocating while keeping constant tabs on him is contradictory at best.

[autumnnight]

I think this boils down to the old porn thing.

 

To assess this man's actions as wrong may put a man's universal right to look at, touch, and get off to random naked women in jeopardy....

[Horton]

Is the OP really getting accused of being controlling and reactionary just cause she doesn't want her husband to allow some trollop to rub her crotch all over his face for handfuls of dollar bills and then lie to her about it?

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I think this boils down to the old porn thing.

 

To assess this man's actions as wrong may put a man's universal right to look at, touch, and get off to random naked women in jeopardy....

 

Don't place this all on men. Look at the numbers, sex sells to BOTH sexes. Be it porn, or strip clubs and strippers, magic Mike, and thunder down under. All those vibrators you gals use and your only ever thinking of your spouses huh? Cause I'm not buying that for a second! And I would also argue most men wouldn't give a flip if their wife had a GNO at a strip club, or a crazy bachelorette party with hired male strippers. I know I wouldn't care and ENCOURAGE her to go out with her girlfriends more. I don't need to know her every action while out either, because I trust her.

[Mr. Lucky]

Just a few minutes before 9 pm, he texted me and said that they were just waiting for their checks and then he would be heading back to his hotel and would FaceTime me once he got there, which we do every single night when he's away. About an hour went by and I still hadn't heard from him, which is very unusual, so I texted him. No reply. I texted again asking where he was. Again, no reply. This was NOT like him. I then tried calling him a couple of times. No answer. Another hour went by and still not a single peep from him. Now I was starting to worry. Was he okay? Had something bad happened? I tried texting and calling him several more times and no answer. I was REALLY worried at this point. However, I went to text him again and I saw that he had read my texts (we have iPhones with read receipts), but he did not text me back. This is 110% completely NOT normal behavior for my husband whatsoever. He ALWAYS texts right back. Then, it occurred to me to use the "find my iPhone" app to see if it would show his location.

 

Or is it just an assumption that all men want to be out of contact with their wives, want to come and go at their leisure

 

Got it, have always considered you to be fairly measured and reasonable in your approach .

 

You don't consider this level of frantic anxiety after an hour of no check-in to be over the top? He's not crossing the Atlantic solo on a raft, he's out to dinner with friends somewhere in the Heartland...

 

Mr. Lucky

[autumnnight]

Don't place this all on men. Look at the numbers, sex sells to BOTH sexes. Be it porn, or strip clubs and strippers, magic Mike, and thunder down under. All those vibrators you gals use and your only ever thinking of your spouses huh? Cause I'm not buying that for a second! And I would also argue most men wouldn't give a flip if their wife had a GNO at a strip club, or a crazy bachelorette party with hired male strippers. I know I wouldn't care and ENCOURAGE her to go out with her girlfriends more. I don't need to know her every action while out either, because I trust her.

 

I have never been to a strip club, I have never been to a drinking or wild oriented GNO, I have never been to Chippendale's or Thunder Down Under. I have never watched Magic Mike. And I have never used a vibrator when there was a willing man in my life.

 

And while you may consider yourself evolved, there are plenty of people who consider paying women or men to grind on them without their spouse's knowledge disrespectful.

[autumnnight]

Got it, have always considered you to be fairly measured and reasonable in your approach .

 

You don't consider this level of frantic anxiety after an hour of no check-in to be over the top? He's not crossing the Atlantic solo on a raft, he's out to dinner with friends somewhere in the Heartland...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

"I'm paying now and heading back to the hotel to Facetime"

 

An hour passess...nothing. A text.....nothing. A call.....nothing.

 

Another hour of silence passes....nothing. Text....nothing. Call.....nothing.

 

Oh, I see he has read all my texts but has not answered....where could he be?

 

Insert lie about strip club.

 

 

Yeah, she's really crazy

[autumnnight]

Is the OP really getting accused of being controlling and reactionary just cause she doesn't want her husband to allow some trollop to rub her crotch all over his face for handfuls of dollar bills and then lie to her about it?

 

B-b-b-b-but....I liiiiike my naked women!!! You meanie!

 

And you reading written words on your Kindle is EXACTLY the same as me ogling a woman IN REAL LIFE and letting her dance on me....EXACTLY the same:rolleyes: