Texting/talking with a man that barely mentions his wife..

[MsHopeful0208201689]

Do you think this playing with fire?

 

Of course, there is attraction but it hasn't went further than flirting and him once gently touching my hand & knee... We've entertained the thought of him coming over to hang out with me... I'm in my mid 20s and I believe he is in his early 40s.. Barely mentions the wife & I didn't find out he was married until months down the road. He said he finds me interesting, intriguing, unique, etc. but is not interested in sex with me.. Seems like he just enjoys our convo's.. But I've been in contact with him for years now & he still hasn't made an effort to introduce me to his wife... Am I being naive to think he would introduce me to her? If we are really friends what's the issue?

 

I thought I'd post in this section because maybe you'd all be experienced when it comes to affairs & the likes.. Please help!

[S2B]

Why haven't you met her if you've known him years?

 

 

Why are you a secret?

[Michelle ma Belle]

I don't understand this...do you want something more to happen with him?

[MsHopeful0208201689]

Why haven't you met her if you've known him years?

 

 

Why are you a secret?

 

Same thing I'm trying to figure out. It's been about 3 years. He said he's mentioned me to her but for some reason I don't believe that

[MsHopeful0208201689]

I don't understand this...do you want something more to happen with him?

 

No, not per se.. I think if I were to meet the wife this would totally kill the "innocent" crush I've had with him.. Meeting her would bring things into perspective.. I'm just trying to figure out where his head is.. We have several common interests and he talks to me about his days and whatnot. Barely mentions her but is more open talking about his kids

[Michelle ma Belle]

No, not per se.. I think if I were to meet the wife this would totally kill the "innocent" crush I've had with him.. Meeting her would bring things into perspective.. I'm just trying to figure out where his head is.. We have several common interests and he talks to me about his days and whatnot. Barely mentions her but is more open talking about his kids

 

Why do you want to meet his wife?

 

Can you give us more context please? I'm finding it hard to respond appropriately without more back story; How did you meet? How often do you talk? Do you work together? etc....

[MsHopeful0208201689]

Why do you want to meet his wife?

 

Can you give us more context please? I'm finding it hard to respond appropriately without more back story; How did you meet? How often do you talk? Do you work together? etc....

 

We met through Facebook. The talking use to be everyday but now it varies. At least several times a month (more or less), we don't work together, and we may see each other out every once in a while at social events in which the wife is not present 90-something percent of the time... Depending on the crowd he is not always very apt to converse with me but will do a lot of conversing when we are on the phone or texting. I have a partner and he has even said he doesn't want to bother or converse with me if my partner is around.

[MsHopeful0208201689]

Why do you want to meet his wife?

 

Can you give us more context please? I'm finding it hard to respond appropriately without more back story; How did you meet? How often do you talk? Do you work together? etc....

 

And I'd like to meet the wife because I feel it would be the appropriate way to go about the friendship & would kill any attraction between us

[S2B]

And I'd like to meet the wife because I feel it would be the appropriate way to go about the friendship & would kill any attraction between us

 

Why can't you kill that attraction without meeting her?

 

You are capable of your own feelings and actions, yes?

[MsHopeful0208201689]

Why can't you kill that attraction without meeting her?

 

You are capable of your own feelings and actions, yes?

 

You have a point but if we are still in contact isn't this just fueling the fire? I mean the friendship is cool but it would be even more comfortable if I became friends with both parties.. I have other married friends but I am friends with the wives as well.

[StBreton]

OP ...I hope when you're married and in your 40s with 2.2 kids dog family house etc etc ...that some 20 something year old develops a crush on your husband. There ... is that enough to move you in the direction of crushing your crush?

 

Sorry for the vent but seriously?! I was your age once and older married guys came onto me too ... I had firm values in place against such dalliances ... Therein lies the difference

[Ms. Faust]

I would ask him. "Hey, man, how come you never talk about your wife?"

It's not complicated.

[MsHopeful0208201689]

OP ...I hope when you're married and in your 40s with 2.2 kids dog family house etc etc ...that some 20 something year old develops a crush on your husband. There ... is that enough to move you in the direction of crushing your crush?

 

Sorry for the vent but seriously?! I was your age once and older married guys came onto me too ... I had firm values in place against such dalliances ... Therein lies the difference

 

I wouldn't say my values aren't firm... Because never would have I dreamed of even being remotely attractive to a married until I met him. I've mentioned meeting his family and I was blew off & the 2nd time I mentioned it, he said yea we can do that someday.. That was about a year and half ago.. He still will converse with me but no mention of meeting the wife & kids.. I enjoy the friendship but starting to see no point in it unless I can meet the wife & kids.. It's pointless and just makes the situation a bit inappropriate... Not gaining much from the friendship but a talk/text buddy where there has been flirting with in the past... Just wanted to know what you guys thought he was up to?

[MsHopeful0208201689]

I would ask him. "Hey, man, how come you never talk about your wife?"

It's not complicated.

 

See my comment below

[Michelle ma Belle]

No matter how you slice it, you're playing with fire. Full stop.

[MsHopeful0208201689]

See my comment below

 

See my comment above is what I meant..

[MightyPen]

Maybe he's flattered by your attention. Maybe he's intrigued by you and enjoys your talks. And yes, maybe he's (slooooooowly) trying to turn this into something physical, although he's taking his sweet time if that's his intention.

 

You said you met on FB. Do you mean you were total strangers who just somehow "met" there, or did you already know each other and FB just allowed you grow closer, communicate, etc?

 

The biggest obvious red flag (to me) is that he doesn't want to talk with you if your partner is around. I assume your partner knows about this guy?

 

And at least he isn't bad-mouthing his wife to you. Perhaps he's just having a bit of a mid-life crisis and sees this as a fairly harmless friendly infatuation.

 

As others have said, more info would be helpful.

[StBreton]

I wouldn't say my values aren't firm... Because never would have I dreamed of even being remotely attractive to a married *******until I met him.******!!!!!

 

I've mentioned meeting his family and I was blew off & the 2nd time I mentioned it, he said yea we can do that someday.. That was about a year and half ago.. He still will converse with me but no mention of meeting the wife & kids.. I enjoy the friendship but starting to see no point in it unless I can meet the wife & kids.. It's pointless and just makes the situation a bit inappropriate... Not gaining much from the friendship but a talk/text buddy *******where there has been flirting with in the past*******... Just wanted to know what you guys thought he was up to?

 

You see ...firm values DO NOT change based on your situation ...see all the ****

 

He's up to NO good!!! Seriously ...what do married 40s guys need to be hanging solo with an unmarried girl almost half their age? Naïveté ...please google it

[MsHopeful0208201689]

Maybe he's flattered by your attention. Maybe he's intrigued by you and enjoys your talks. And yes, maybe he's (slooooooowly) trying to turn this into something physical, although he's taking his sweet time if that's his intention.

 

You said you met on FB. Do you mean you were total strangers who just somehow "met" there, or did you already know each other and FB just allowed you grow closer, communicate, etc?

 

The biggest obvious red flag (to me) is that he doesn't want to talk with you if your partner is around. I assume your partner knows about this guy?

 

And at least he isn't bad-mouthing his wife to you. Perhaps he's just having a bit of a mid-life crisis and sees this as a fairly harmless friendly infatuation.

 

As others have said, more info would be helpful.

 

We were complete strangers. That's when he started to take an interest in me. Contact me everyday. Without mention of his wife. Some months down the road I found out he was married because I had to ask him

[Dancewithme]

Yes, you are playing with fire. I believe this man is trying to ease into an affair with you. He never talks about his wife, isn't interested in you meeting her, doesn't want to talk to you when your partner is around? He's trying to keep your "friendship" on the down-low. And why does he need a female friend who is your age? This situation is quacking like a duck. You know what he's up to, hence, your posting here.

 

I applaud you for wanting to keep boundaries with married couples by befriending both husband and wife. Though, as we have all seen on LS, that doesn't prevent any inappropriate behavior between married folks and their "friends". I think the fact that he doesn't talk of his wife, and apparently doesn't want you to meet her, tells you his intentions are not honorable.

 

I think you need to ditch this "friend", before you slide further down that slippery slope.

[MightyPen]

We were complete strangers. That's when he started to take an interest in me. Contact me everyday. Without mention of his wife. Some months down the road I found out he was married because I had to ask him

 

 

Wow. I had no idea complete strangers met on FB. I've never friended anyone I didn't already know. How did he even find you??

 

Anyways...yes that sounds sketchy, like he was just browsing for cute young women on FB. I don't think most guys do that. I thought perhaps you were already friendly acquaintances or something before the FBing.

 

And again I ask, does your partner know about this guy? Because if you haven't mentioned this guy to your partner, it would seem you're hiding something as well.

[MsHopeful0208201689]

Yes, you are playing with fire. I believe this man is trying to ease into an affair with you. He never talks about his wife, isn't interested in you meeting her, doesn't want to talk to you when your partner is around? He's trying to keep your "friendship" on the down-low. And why does he need a female friend who is your age? This situation is quacking like a duck. You know what he's up to, hence, your posting here.

 

I applaud you for wanting to keep boundaries with married couples by befriending both husband and wife. Though, as we have all seen on LS, that doesn't prevent any inappropriate behavior between married folks and their "friends". I think the fact that he doesn't talk of his wife, and apparently doesn't want you to meet her, tells you his intentions are not honorable.

 

I think you need to ditch this "friend", before you slide further down that slippery slope.

 

Thank you for your input. Just trying to confirm and validate my suspicions. I've even tried talking about her and really had to pull it out of him that's when he'd say a little bit but never on his own will be make mention of her unless I initiate. I think you are right, it's time to cut the cord and just go NC

[MsHopeful0208201689]

Wow. I had no idea complete strangers met on FB. I've never friended anyone I didn't already know. How did he even find you??

 

Anyways...yes that sounds sketchy, like he was just browsing for cute young women on FB. I don't think most guys do that. I thought perhaps you were already friendly acquaintances or something before the FBing.

 

And again I ask, does your partner know about this guy? Because if you haven't mentioned this guy to your partner, it would seem you're hiding something as well.

 

We have all been in the same place and I have introduced him to my partner. I've told my partner everything and he feels the dude wants to get into my pants or at the very least wants more than a platonic friendship.. There's been times the guy would invite to an event and later to find out his wife was there and he never introduced us nor tell me she was in the vicinity. He's into different things around my city and I messaged him to ask him about some events and that's when he friended me and started to message me everyday.. It was kinda strange

[MsHopeful0208201689]

Wow. I had no idea complete strangers met on FB. I've never friended anyone I didn't already know. How did he even find you??

 

Anyways...yes that sounds sketchy, like he was just browsing for cute young women on FB. I don't think most guys do that. I thought perhaps you were already friendly acquaintances or something before the FBing.

 

And again I ask, does your partner know about this guy? Because if you haven't mentioned this guy to your partner, it would seem you're hiding something as well.

 

My older female friend says it sounds like he says some kind of obsession with me and I should RUN!

[Dancewithme]

Good idea to go NC. Good for you for sensing something amiss with this "friendship", seeking feedback, and trying to do the right thing. Life is hard enough without that kind of drama. Good luck to you.