Probably not an uncommon feeling here for men?

[Blackfrost]

But for me, I am seriously thinking I am going through a life crisis, that I'm not sure how I'm going to get out of (mentally). I have been married to a wonder wonderful woman for 10 years now, and we have a 5 year old daughter together. So here's the gist of the problem. I have done everything in life that I was raised to believe was the key to fulfillment. I'm at the top of my career, I have an awesome home, happy stay at home mom/wife, and a wonderful daughter. We have no real problems with our domestic life or our relationships. So, why am I so unhappy, and at 37, feeling brutally old, and wanting to just ditch everything I have to start a whole new life from scratch.

 

I have pondered the possibilities of why I have been feeling this way for the last 4 months.....it may partially be attributed to the fact that I have achieved everything I set out to achieve in my life, and now I don't know what to do with myself anymore. The other reason may be my inner clock of beginning to feel old. Unfortunately, when I dwell on this thought, all I want to do is run out and start hooking up with younger girls ( 27-33...not younger then that ) and get my "one last wild ride" before I get so old, that I'm resigned to being a real old man hahahaha. Now granted I haven't acted on these feelings, because I do have an enormous amount of self control, and have been faithful to my wife for all these years. I feel terrible guilt for her. If she new what went through my head all the time it would break her heart - and she is too dear to deserve that. She has done everything I could ever ask of a wife and soulmate, for the entire length of our marriage.

 

So what the hell is wrong with me?!?! Is this what a mid life crisis for men is all about? If so, I'm having a classic episode of this drama.

 

Currently, in order to keep myself somewhat challenged with a new goal, I've joined a gym, and am working out hard every single morning, with the end goal of having every muscle defined on my body within the next 3 months (Granted I was already in shape to begin with, so this isn't that insane of a goal haha). Unfortunately again, I do know where this leads - as I have been close to that kind of physical shape before. It leads to more flirting girls, and I'm actually a little concerned that as long as I'm feeling the way I do, I might throw all caution and self control to the wind and start acting on this aforementioned behavior.

 

Well, there's my problem..........anyone have any similar experiences that might help me figure out how to refocus on the things that are right?

 

Blackfrost

[alphamale]

yes u are going thru a classic garden variety mid-life krisis. basically, you are asking yourslef "is this all there is?".

 

what you need to do it get yourself a nice hotel room and a couple of really good looking 25 yr old call girls. He he. Make damn sure the wifey does not find out.

 

that should rejuvinate you for a while.

[Ladyjane14]

I agree about the "garden variety" midlife crisis. However, I think it might behoove you to avoid the "call girls".

 

Honestly, I'm not a medical expert, but I've observed this in my own husband and having done so.....noticed it in many other men just around their 40th year. I do think it's chemical in nature, for the most part.

 

I think it's possible that there's a change in the seratonin levels in a man's body around this age. Either there's not enough, or what's available is not being utilized readily. Hence, the subconscious search for dopamine....the quick fix.

 

That's why you see midlife guys going for the exhileration of the extra-marital affair, or the little red sports car, or the "shake-up" of their previous stable home-lives. It's the rush you get when the dopamine is released. It makes you feel better....at least for a little while.

 

I've noticed alot of guys become almost obsessed with sexual thoughts at this stage, sometimes to the point where they begin to feel a little crazy from it. It's like being sexually harrassed by YOURSELF, I suppose.

 

But for some, it's really worrisome. Sometimes you see problems at home caused by porn, and the almost addictive quality of "searching" for other women. Even when the midlife guy has no real intention of acting on it, he can feel compelled.

 

There's alot of information available on the net. Try googling words like "midlife crisis", "seratonin", "dopamine", "male libido". You'll feel better when you realize that you're not so very abnormal.

 

Exercize is a great way to naturally increase your available seratonin, so you're on the right track with that. However, you might want to avoid hanging out with the girls at the gym for awhile.....that is, if you want to keep your home-deal going.

 

If possible, increase your sexual frequency within the marriage. That'll get you the occasional dopamine quick-fix, and even better....it'll help you feel more connected with your wife. You need a little extra support at home.

 

You'd do well to print off some of the information that you find on the net, and share it with her. She needs to know what you're dealing with....or she can't help you.

 

See your medical doctor. Believe me....s/he's heard it ALL before, so there's no cause for embarrassment. Tell your doctor EVERYTHING.....including whatever small changes in sleep patterns, appetite, and bowels.

 

A low dose of seratonin-uptake-inhibitor like Effexor or Lexapro might be in order. It'll help you feel more in control, and possibly help you to avoid a major depression.

[jmargel]

Blackfrost,

 

You have the 'grass is greener on the other side syndrom'. Well it may look greener until you have to eat the **** that's laying in it. Trust me, from your post just about any single guy would love to trade places with you. You really don't want to go back out into the dating scene. I was through it and it's not glamourous. Personally I would never want to go back to that place.

 

Instead of doing things by yourself, why not include your wife? I'm sure she would love that. Really try to imagine your life without your wife, your child, your nice house, etc.. All the little things that all of you do together would be gone. You'd be stuck with some 25 year old bimbo who's looking for a sugar daddy. P**sy is P**sy. What you have with your wife is alot more than that.

 

Even if you hook up with a younger chick all you'll feel is remorse. You won't fulfill anything in your life that you feel is missing. It'll be a mistake that you'll never forgive yourself for. For everything that you accomplished in your life it will all be tained because of a stupid thing that you did. The trust of your wife, your daughter, your friends and yourself will be gone. You seem like a logical man, use logic in this. You are gambling way too much for the potential reward that you might get. It's a game you can't win.

 

Imagine your wife dead. Imagine your daughter dead. What would your life be like? Imagine waking up alone and spending holidays without them. Imagine their birthdays coming around and they aren't there. Imagine having to visit them at their plot. All the things that you 'could' have done with them. All the things you 'could' have said to them.

 

Thing is you still have that chance. You have alot of years to enjoy with them. Enjoy life and thank God in your prayers every night that he has given you two blessings in life. Read some of the horror stories on here and then really see if you want to become one of them. I doubt you really do. You might be going through a mid-life crisis but it's only a phase. It will pass. Stay strong and love them. Love them like you won't see them the next day.

[moimeme]

P**sy is P**sy

 

Yay JM!

 

Yep, this is the midlife crisis. It won't be solved by finding a young chickie. A lot of people use the second part of their lives to do something meaningful - some sort of volunteering or other work that focuses them away from their own lives and gives them a sense of fulfilment. It'll work better than ditching all you love for the imagined thrill of - another p**y as JM pointed out.

 

Dr. Phil has said something I think is brilliant - he says that it's not that people are looking for fame or fortune or whatever - they are looking for the feeling they think they will have if they are famous or rich. So what feeling would having a chickie give you? That you're still sexy? That someone other than your wife ('just' your wife) thinks you're hot? Why? Whatever feeling it is, you can likely get it in some way other than by having a fling.

 

Oh, and while you're googling things, google 'andropause'.

[RecordProducer]

I honestly believe that when you love someone you have no desire to cheat on them. You want to stay faithful so you're not an unscrupulous man, but deep inside your heart you are ready for new love. I don't think it's sex and excitement what you would look for, but rather a new relationship with another woman. It seems that you're no longer in love with your wife. You love her as a sister, but that doesn't make you happy.

How do you feel when you imagine yourself in love with another woman? If you knew that your wife found another man would you see it as a chance for you to move on and have a new life or would you be hurt?

Do you and your wife have sex regularly? Are you intellectually on the same level? Do you go out together? Do you have same interests, hobbies?

[Blackfrost]

Thanks for all the great posts.

 

I have talked to my wife about what I am going through, and at first she was emotionally angry, then eventually she realized that this really had nothing to do with my love for her, and my wanting to be with here for the rest of my life. She knows I love her to death, and would jump her bones at a moments notice, so she's definitely calmed down about this, and is actually making additional efforts to find more things for us to do together as a family.

 

I think one of the more problematic issues that I am dealing with in this "crisis" is the lack of anything to really really push to achieve anymore. That's where I'm imagining that starting everything over would give me that rush of having to scrape and claw to make it all rise again - both career and relationships. I know this seems insane to some people haha but I am the type of person who thrives and really feels alive when he is sacrificing and striving towards goals.

 

As for the young girl thing. I absolutely do not want to fall in love with some new girl, I just crave the excitement and newness that comes from being with someone new. I know that I will always crave this (and I believe this is normal). The main focus of this for me is to crave it, but refrain from acting on it. I'm dealing with this on a day by day basis. I do have a few current options available to me, and I have to fight (sometimes hourly at work) the urge to just say "**** it, let's go to your place an tear it up"

 

Again, I appreciate the comments. Thanks everyone

 

Blackfrost

[whichwayisup]

Find a passion, something you'd LOVE to try. New career change maybe? Or even joining a sports team - baseball or hockey...Something that will give you that excitement and zing. Create it!

 

Glad you talked to your wife, cheating/finding someone else is NOT going to better your life long term...Yeah, sure, short term you'll feel sexy, desired and good but after that fades away you'll be back to square one. Not only that but in doing so you'd be losing your wife and family over a midlife crisis.

 

Bet this isn't easy for you, I think everybody eventually gets to the point where you are! I know I have...Been afew times I've wanted to jump in my car, GO somewhere and start over fresh - new friends, new life, new lover - All of it...Yet I'd never do that as I know what I have in my life now is unreplaceable.

 

Sooo, Do fun things! Get your guy buddies together, start a weekly poker night or an evening of pool at a bar. Exercise! Get a sitter or a family member to take the kid (s) for a weekend while you and your wife have a romantic, sex filled getaway! Act out fantasies and have FUN!!!! Remember all the feelings and good things that brought you both together in the first place. That will make you feel good and young again!

 

Hope this helps.

[jmargel]

"The grass is always greener on the other side until you have to eat the sh*t that lies in it."

 

Remember that.

[New_Wife]

What about a wild adventure second honeymoon? Could you save up for it - plan some sort of truly wild African safari, or crazy windsurfing trip to cabo? Bungee jump in the Carribean?

 

Now that you've acheived those things, why not bask in the glory and start reaching for those extras you imagined while you were on the climb up! Plot and scheme a wonderful adventure for you and your wife!

 

And congrats for coming here and talking it out with these folk and your wife before/instead of doing something you can't undo!

[RecordProducer]

Why don't you and your wife think of some exciting game? If you'd be embarrassed then the excitement would be greater when you relax. She can put a wig and different make up and clothes and you can imagine that it's someone new. Of course, she would have to enjoy it too. There are other kinds of games too. I've never played them, but I like to fantasize about being with my BF in situations that will never happen. I tell him about these fantasies and he participates in them. We don't play roles, just talk. We decided to try new things like making love in public (we'd hide it well and that's the part that would excite us), but we can't think of anything else for now.

I'll start a thread about it in the sex forum so let's see what other people have to say about it.

[Thinkalot]

You've received good advice here already.

 

You sound like a good person, and it's great you are thinking about all this, and trying to find a good solution, rather than actually just running off with some young thing for a fleeting thrill, which would only cause you great damage and hurt in the long run (not to mention your family)

 

I agree with suggestions that you find a new challenge or goal for yourself, or do something exciting with your wife, like going somewhere adventurous together...renewing your vows somewhere exotic etc.

[prissymissy]

Well hun, the gym is a great place to find honeys, married honeys looking for flings on their "husbands that work all of the time" .....the married home makers....if you get my drift, maybe she is as bored as you are and maybe she has the mid life itches too.

 

You should plan a "crazy sex weekend" Take your wife some where exotic, take a trip to the sex store, both of you get a toy or a game that you prob. think is way proverted, and have a fun time. Set this time aside a few times a year to keep our game on.

 

Just a sugestion.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

Why don't you and your wife think of some exciting game?

like what? Hide the Mistress??

[Sal Paradise]

Like everyone else I suggest finding something (not someone ) new to be passionate about. Something exciting and challenging. And bravo to you for not letting a temporary funk cause you to make a huge mistake.

[sylviaguardian]

This post from the infidelity forum might help you:

 

Advice for those having touble in M, thinking about cheating, ect. Post: 1 | Quote:

 

Here is an exellent description of relationships and how they work. It was sent to me by an MC and it makes a lot of sense:

 

"EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning,you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called “falling” in love…because it's happening TO YOU.

 

People in love sometimes say, “I was swept of my feet.” Think about the imagery of that expression.

It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU. Falling is love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

 

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage. At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, “Did I marry the right person?” And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

 

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully) THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE

IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

 

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't “find” LASTING love. You have to “make” it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression “the labor of love.” Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work."

 

Sylvia

[jmargel]

Slyvia, I like that quote quite a bit. I was a little sneaky and sent it to my wife as a forward. I'm hoping she will read it.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Yup, I'm going with the advice given by everyone else so far (apart from Alpha - don't make me come over to Detroit to smack you, Mr Homewrecker ).

 

Some possible challenges:

 

- Find a new passionate interest to do with your wife.

- Find an interesting hobby which gets you out with guy friends.

- Change jobs. Maybe this one is getting stale?

- Jump your wife's bones in a new and interesting way

[Exothermicman]

Hey Blackfrost,

 

I know nothing about relationships (I am 20 years old and I think people entering relationships are asking for trouble) but I do know a great deal about motivation and achieving results. It seems that you are indeed a successful individual, but there is always more to do. You have not done it all; you should use these years of your life to achieve something very special, like becoming exteremely rich! I knwo it sounds strange, but make a difficult goal for yourself and give it your all. You said you have achieved all you can in your career; maybe this is not entirely true. If you are in a managerial position, go for a higher level manager or executive position. The amount of work necesarry to achieve this will keep you busy, guaranteed. (you may be thinking what a 20 year old would have to say about this, but the fact is that I have achieved a lot of my goals early on in life)

 

What I have learned is that the benefit derived from achieving the goal already been derived once the goal is reached. The pleasure and benefits are in the striving, and striving HARD. Once one goal is reached, you must move on to another, because if you try to find happiness in what you have already done, you will be sorely disappointed. That is why you must go for another goal, and not get overconfident but keep trying with all of your ability. This is what I have learned in my short life, and it works.

 

If you are at the top of your career, you are probably depreived of the feeling you get when moving up, the hard work and rewards that came with it. You need to get that feeling again, and there are many ways to do it. I think that this issue is not specific to your relationship at all.

 

BTW: Trying to get rich is only one such goal. Working out is pretty good (as you are already trying) but you will reach your peak soon as you are already on shape. Honestly, I think golf is the answer! It can never be mastered, and is one of the most rewarding expereinces if played well.

 

I wish the best of luck to you!

[Exothermicman]

Hey Blackfrost,

 

I know nothing about relationships (I am 20 years old and I think people entering relationships are asking for trouble) but I do know a great deal about motivation and achieving results. It seems that you are indeed a successful individual, but there is always more to do. You have not done it all; you should use these years of your life to achieve something very special, like becoming exteremely rich! I knwo it sounds strange, but make a difficult goal for yourself and give it your all. You said you have achieved all you can in your career; maybe this is not entirely true. If you are in a managerial position, go for a higher level manager or executive position. The amount of work necesarry to achieve this will keep you busy, guaranteed. (you may be thinking what a 20 year old would have to say about this, but the fact is that I have achieved a lot of my goals early on in life)

 

What I have learned is that the benefit derived from achieving the goal already been derived once the goal is reached. The pleasure and benefits are in the striving, and striving HARD. Once one goal is reached, you must move on to another, because if you try to find happiness in what you have already done, you will be sorely disappointed. That is why you must go for another goal, and not get overconfident but keep trying with all of your ability. This is what I have learned in my short life, and it works.

 

If you are at the top of your career, you are probably depreived of the feeling you get when moving up, the hard work and rewards that came with it. You need to get that feeling again, and there are many ways to do it. I think that this issue is not specific to your relationship at all.

 

BTW: Trying to get rich is only one such goal. Working out is pretty good (as you are already trying) but you will reach your peak soon as you are already on shape. Honestly, I think golf is the answer! It can never be mastered, and is one of the most rewarding expereinces if played well.

 

I wish the best of luck to you!

[whichwayisup]

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE

IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

 

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't “find” LASTING love. You have to “make” it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression “the labor of love.” Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work."

 

This is my favourite part. It's SO true!

[Exothermicman]

I do not believe that the problem is with the relationship; it has to do more with concentration on success. As in my previous post (which was posted twice by accident) it seems to me that the issues in the relationship are merely symptoms. The root of the problem is here:

 

 

Blackfrost wrote

"I have done everything in life that I was raised to believe was the key to fulfillment. I'm at the top of my career, I have an awesome home, happy stay at home mom/wife, and a wonderful daughter. We have no real problems with our domestic life or our relationships. So, why am I so unhappy, and at 37, feeling brutally old, and wanting to just ditch everything I have to start a whole new life from scratch."

 

You enjoy the feeling of success and have in the past derived benefit from the process of attaining it. Right now you realize that previous successes will not provide fulfillment, because it is the process of attaining success and not the end result itself that is really important.

 

It is rather like winning a soccer game (say) against a well trained and respected team. Your side has been preparing very hard every day, and won as a result. Now consider winning against a group of kids in a match. Both are victories, and at the end of the day, both do not contribute to your health or well being, but winning against the respectable team will provide a sense of satisfaction which would not be the case against a team of lesser ability.

 

Several posters here have recommended that one course of action be to take up a hobby. From your original post, Blackfrost, it sounds like you need a challenge on which you can focus all of your energy. If this does not occur, it will be dissipated into useless channels such as those described.

 

I think that this is the main problem; you believe that you have already done everything that you were raised to believe to be the key to fulfillment. You already are on top of your career and have a wife and kid, yet you want to "do" it again! You dont want the result of having a good career, marriage etc because you already have it. You want the process of attaining it! That is why the real key to fulfillment is in the striving, in putting your whole heart and soul into achieving something, and that is why I recommend you find something, some goal, it may be to become wealthy or as I would recommend, to play good golf. Whatever it may be, if you really put year heart into it, I think that your issue will dissolve on its own.

[Blackfrost]

Exothermicman wrote:

I think that this is the main problem; you believe that you have already done everything that you were raised to believe to be the key to fulfillment. You already are on top of your career and have a wife and kid, yet you want to "do" it again! You dont want the result of having a good career, marriage etc because you already have it. You want the process of attaining it! That is why the real key to fulfillment is in the striving, in putting your whole heart and soul into achieving something, and that is why I recommend you find something, some goal, it may be to become wealthy or as I would recommend, to play good golf. Whatever it may be, if you really put year heart into it, I think that your issue will dissolve on its own.

 

You do you even know how close to the mark that above paragraph really is. I love the struggling and striving to achieve a goal, far more than actually attaining it. Like the career thing I had mentioned, I'm already a Director in my position - going on to be any higher than that, holds no appeal to me, as the next level up officially lets go of the last few shards of things that I enjoy about my work.

 

Getting rich (financially) really doesn't mean too much to me. I'm already comfortable financially, and really don't want to retire any time soon - I love working and doing what I do for a living. It reinforces to me that I worked insanely hard to get here, and I'm going to stay until the bitter end. It's somewhat egoish in nature hahahaha

 

Since I originally wrote this first post, I have started on the Body for Life program, and am feeling immensily better about myself both physically and mentally. Plus, it's one of those insane goals that I love to work towards. So my problem has lessened to a half a degree since I first posted. I'm still dealing with my constant desire to have that "one or more wild go arounds" with no strings attached (before I get too old) but like I said, I try to take each day as a personal victory for coming home and being faithful to the woman I love. She deserves no less of me.

 

I so appreciate all the advice that people have given to my plight. It's been good to hear affirmations and suggestions. I'm really glad I had the nerve to post this up, and see now, that it was worth it to talk more openly about it.

 

Thanks all

[mental_traveller]

Part of it is that you've dedicated huge effort to achieving goals. Once you've achieved them, you're left thinking "now what?" Like you say yourself, the satisfaction of achievment comes in the getting there. Once you achieve the goal, it can be a bit of a let-down. That's one drawback with trying to get happiness from goals, especially ones set by parents or society rather than ones that come from your heart. This is a point made in Buddhism and by several philosophers/thinkers.

 

Another problem is the "grass is greener" syndrome. When you're unhappy, it's easy to suppose that doing something "exciting" will cure that. Well, it doesn't, at least not in the long run. For a while it can be fun, but the novelty wears off. Happiness doesn't come from destructive thrill-seeking. Mike Tyson has screwed a lot of women and spent more money than we'll ever make, and look at him now.

 

So don't chase some young women in a misguided attempt to solve your mid-life angst. It won't make things better, in fact it will most likely destroy your family and possibly your career. Secondly, try focusing more on the process than the result. Try to change your work to something you find more satisfying, even if it means less income or financial security (within reason). And look for satisfaction outside work. Everyone has a few things that they are passionate about, and could spend all day talking about or doing. Think what things you care about most, either inside or outside work, then maybe look at doing those. And you don't have to change drastically, just change a bit at a time. Try some new experiences, just shake things up a bit.

 

Finally, why not communicate some of this to your wife? Chances are she may well feel something similar, or at least empathise. If she's a good person, she'll no doubt support and encourage your attempts to get something more meaningful out of life. You have an opportunity to turn your "crisis" into the start of renewal and growth in your marriage. Imagine if you talked it over and she helped you out and things started really improving, and in 3 or 4 years you were really happy with everything. At least try that before you go and jepoardise everything for the sake of a one night stand or meaningless fling.

[roadsgt97]

I went through the same thing about a month before I turned 40. I had an affair with a 21 year old. It went on for several months. It felt like a high. It wears off eventually. Now i love my wife more then ever. She did find out about the affair and slightly changed for the better also. It was a waking up experience for both of us. Sometimes when you think you have everything and theres nothing else to look forward too it gets a little depressing. Thats how i got into that mess. The funny thing about it is since the affair everything is better then ever.