A real mess that could be much worse.

[SafetyWordIsBananna]

Hi all,

 

 

I want to share my story with someone, its quite amazing but I cannot tell it to anyone in RL, I have decided to post it online. I admit I have been selfish, and its a good example of how something has gone out of control.

 

 

I'm close to 40, and I have been married for close to 10 years, and I have a son who is 6. For some time now I have been feeling bored, a mid life crisis I guess. I was bored of my wife (even though she is a good mother and wife) and my job, and my general existence.

 

 

About 18 months ago, I starting visiting cam porn sites to get some kicks. I started chatting to a pretty young Filipino girl who worked on one of these sites, who was very friendly. Filipino cam girls are not exactly known for being honest (many of them are scammers or are only after a foreign bf they can treat as a cash cow), but I was bored so I talked to her a few times. She passed me her contact details so we could stay in contact off site (Skype).

 

 

I managed to contact her a few times, it was slow at first but she was also chasing me too. Soon I was talking to her on an almost daily basis, sometimes for a couple of hours at a time. Before I knew it, I was falling in love (which became an infatuation). I knew that this was wrong and that this girl was really only after my money, but I wanted to know more about her and I was enjoying our (online) time together. I did not tell this girl that I was married or that I had a son, she told me that she loved me, but I knew that she was chatting to other guys online (I caught her a few times). I didn't feel guilty at this point as nothing really was happening and I knew she was just playing with me.

 

 

Then I had an opportunity to meet her - I made a lie to my wife that I was going on a business trip for a couple of weeks. I flew out to the Philippines (my wife didn't suspect anything) to meet this girl. We had a nice time together and I met her family. Her family were desperately poor, and I could see why she felt pressured by her family into her very unpleasant job (and to "hook" a foreign bf).

 

 

As I was a bit suspicious that she had a local bf, or she was messing about with other foreign guys, I hired a Private Detective to check her out at home for a couple of days. She was clean - I was a bit surprised, I'm not sure if I was relieved or disappointed. After all - if I found out there was some bull**** I could have used that as a good excuse to end the relationship with less guilt. But I was in love too.

 

 

After I few back I told her a part truth; I told her that I had a son and that I was married but separated (yes, a lie). She was upset but also she admitted to me that she was talking to other guys online about visiting her and they were sending her money. She said that she would stop this nonsense as that she didn't want to lose me.

 

 

I managed to make another bull**** story about a business trip and I flew out to see her again a couple months later. We had more good times together. She said that I changed her into a good person, and that she was ashamed by the scamming she used to do. I really felt that she loved me now and there was no more lies. She said that I was the most important thing in her life.

 

 

Being paranoid, I sent her a new phone (keylogged!) as a gift. Again, to my surprise, she was being honest with me. I could see some guys contacting her and she would ignore them or tell them "I have a bf, no thanks". I was proud of her. I really had turned her into a good person.

 

 

Again, I was a bit disappointed there was no bull****, because I guess I was looking for an excuse to end the relationship with no guilt. But the thing was, I also loved her. She was pretty and caring, she actually would make a good wife. She was no longer the cheater that I met from before.

 

 

A few more months passed, my wife still had no suspicions. I was talking to this girl online everyday and texting all the time, although I had to hide it away whenever I could (which was very difficult sometimes).

 

 

My gf was now asking to meet my son. It was difficult for me to visit her again, as I was afraid of another "business trip" excuse might be pushing my luck. That said, I made an excuse to my wife to take some time out with my son (he is only 6) to go travelling for a couple of weeks. She agreed and didn't have any suspicions.

 

 

I bought all my flight tickets, then suddenly it all dawned on me. What the **** was I doing? Surely my son will say something to my gf - I could get into real trouble with her family. And of course my wife - how can I hide this as my son will say something when we return? This could turn into a real ugly mess. My gf will be hurt and I could lose my wife and son.

 

 

But I had to meet my gf again, I was in love with her and I did not want this to end, not yet.

 

 

I knew I had to stop this. On the day of my flight, I cancelled everything, and I told my gf everything. She was devastated. I made some excuse to my wife, who again, suspects nothing.

 

 

So I am here, feeling guilty for letting this get way out of control, for lying both to this girl and to my family (who still suspect nothing), and for almost destroying everything.

 

 

I am heartbroken that I could not see more of this girl, if I was single I would definitely "go for it" even though it would be risky due to her past and the different cultures. I was proud of her, and myself, that I managed to turn her into a good person, even if it does have an unhappy ending.

 

 

Yes I was selfish. But I know that I have a good wife and son, that I so almost let down so badly as well.

 

 

Yes, really, really stupid.

Edited October 22, 2015 by SafetyWordIsBananna

[sandylee1]

Wow.

 

I'm speechless! Really don't know what to say to you. Sometimes online stuff needs to stay online.

 

Try and explore other options next time you get bored. Things that don't risk your marriage and family like this.

[SafetyWordIsBananna]

Wow.

 

I'm speechless! Really don't know what to say to you. Sometimes online stuff needs to stay online.

 

Try and explore other options next time you get bored. Things that don't risk your marriage and family like this.

 

 

Yes, your right, I let it get totally out of control.

 

 

For sometime I wanted to be single again, I was so unhappy. I had no reason to be unhappy, but I really was. But after this, I felt guilty, for both breaking this girls heart, but also what would happen to my son in the future if he found out about this.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes, your right, I let it get totally out of control.

 

 

For sometime I wanted to be single again, I was so unhappy. I had no reason to be unhappy, but I really was. But after this, I felt guilty, for both breaking this girls heart, but also what would happen to my son in the future if he found out about this.

 

So your wife is insignificant in this....?

[Mount]

Wow:lmao:, all the international trips, new cellphone...etc, not to comment you spent the $$$ which should have spent on your son, or wife. You did all these , seem to me you want to control the girl.

 

BTW, you better stay away from Thailand , otherwise it will draw your bank account.:laugh:

[Ms. Faust]

Uuuhhhh... You used marital funds for this???

 

And of course the OW was devastated! Now she has to find another golden ticket. Scoring a foreigner with money who is willing to move the world is hard work.

Edited October 22, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[Grapesofwrath]

How old is this young lady? How old is your wife?

 

It sounds to me that you are not prepared for or interested in marriage. Tell you wife how you feel, and perhaps you can work out an arrangement in which you can do what you like with other women and she can be free to live her life and find someone who will love her the way she would like to be loved. She appears to have blind trust in you, and deserves to be treated equally and with respect.

[loveboid]

You decided to mess with this poor girl for kicks because you were bored. Got it. Who's the scammer again?

 

I would find a nicer hobby.

[Popsicle]

This is why it's just plain dumb to have online long- distance relationships.

[ladydesigner]

As I was a bit suspicious that she had a local bf, or she was messing about with other foreign guys, I hired a Private Detective to check her out at home for a couple of days. She was clean - I was a bit surprised, I'm not sure if I was relieved or disappointed.

 

I find this to be very creepy.

[Popsicle]

Imagine how upset his wife would be to find out that her HUSBAND was utterly obsessed with turning some whore into a housewife. AND, he was this close to involving their child....

[Ms. Faust]

... AND, he was this close to involving their child....

 

Yeah, that was even creepier than the PI thing.

[Maddieandtae]

Safewordbananna,

 

Do you realize your boredom will return after the fear and guilt subside? You will need to have a solid plan on how to tackle the boredom. Your affair was pretty significant as you flew several times to see this woman. Even to the point of almost bringing your son which is so very hurtful to your wife. I really think you need to bring your wife into this, affairs are toxic this just seems on a whole other level of toxicity and I think you need a lot of counselling/therapy to find the root of your boredom and what you wil do to others to relieve that boredom.

[Grapesofwrath]

and let me point out that what stopped you from bringing your son was not a concern for your wife or your son's feelings, but rather a concern that you would get caught. Please...leave your wife and son, support them financially, and let them find someone who has their best interests at heart.

[SafetyWordIsBananna]

All,

 

 

I do care and love my wife. If I think she found out the gory details, she is very sensitive and I'm not sure she could forgive me for this. Thinking of how hurt she would be made me upset and stop.

 

 

Yes I was infatuated with this girl and I was (almost) prepared to do something stupid to get her. This is what infatuation does.

 

 

Boredom sounds like a poor excuse, but when you feel trapped too for so long, you start to desire change, any change. I admit I have had problems being motivated at work for a while, and not spending enough time with my family.

 

 

I lost focus on myself and my family, I need to concentrate on them and a new career, new hobbies.

[TaraMaiden2]

All,

 

 

I do care and love my wife. If I think she found out the gory details, she is very sensitive and I'm not sure she could forgive me for this. Thinking of how hurt she would be made me upset and stop.

 

 

Yes I was infatuated with this girl and I was (almost) prepared to do something stupid to get her. This is what infatuation does.

 

 

Boredom sounds like a poor excuse, but when you feel trapped too for so long, you start to desire change, any change. I admit I have had problems being motivated at work for a while, and not spending enough time with my family.

 

 

I lost focus on myself and my family, I need to concentrate on them and a new career, new hobbies.

 

Better late than never, I suppose.

 

I love how you were bored, but are now admitting you are probably the boring one.

 

Ghah.

I had a long post lined up but, you know what?

I can't be bothered.

Your total disrespect, selfishness and self-absorption just turn me off completely from wanting to post.

[SafetyWordIsBananna]

Better late than never, I suppose.

 

I love how you were bored, but are now admitting you are probably the boring one.

 

Ghah.

I had a long post lined up but, you know what?

I can't be bothered.

Your total disrespect, selfishness and self-absorption just turn me off completely from wanting to post.

 

Fair enough. I'm not pleased with myself. Unhappiness and infatuation are the main reasons why affairs happen.

[TaraMaiden2]

Fair enough. I'm not pleased with myself. Unhappiness and infatuation are the main reasons why affairs happen.

Bull.

Laziness and disrespect are the main reason why affairs happen.

 

You were unhappy.

You should have tackled that situation at source. (Lazy)

You were infatuated.

you knew early on that this was totally wrong, but you went ahead and did it anyway. (disrespectful).

 

Unhappiness and infatuation are poor excuses for your neglect of what the true issue was.

[Poppy47]

The girl worked on a porn site??

 

I have heard the term "Visa Whore".

 

I also have the feeling you knew all along you were being an *******.

 

Pull yourself together, have a test for STD and think about divorcing your wife because I can see you doing this again if you are bored with your life.

 

Poppy.

[SafetyWordIsBananna]

Bull.

Laziness and disrespect are the main reason why affairs happen.

 

You were unhappy.

You should have tackled that situation at source. (Lazy)

You were infatuated.

you knew early on that this was totally wrong, but you went ahead and did it anyway. (disrespectful).

 

Unhappiness and infatuation are poor excuses for your neglect of what the true issue was.

 

 

I have been unhappy for some time, for multiple reasons (I won't go into the details). There was no silver bullet so I don't think it was laziness not tackling it. I just didn't have the answer.

 

 

Disrespectful yes, what I did was totally wrong.

 

 

I truly was infatuated, even now I miss this girl and I hate myself for what I did for her. I was fantasizing about running away into the sunset with her. I needed a wake up call.

[TaraMaiden2]

I have been unhappy for some time, for multiple reasons (I won't go into the details). There was no silver bullet so I don't think it was laziness not tackling it. I just didn't have the answer.

Why do you think you (alone) had to find the answer? A marriage is a two-way agreement, isn't it?

You should have communicated with your wife; made it clear you felt there was an issue.

Spoken to her, voiced your concerns.

 

I don't know if you can recall, but when you married her you made some vows. As your life-partner and mother of your child, you owed it to her to discuss things with her, voice the problem and work together to reach some kind of resolution.

Of course it was laziness.

Marriages take work.

Constant work.

Dedication.

Maintenance.

Given the choice of the above, and your eventual actions, frankly, you took the lazy way out.

 

 

Disrespectful yes, what I did was totally wrong.

The three main stalwart supports, the sustaining tripod, of any relationship are:

 

Communication (strike one)

Respect (Strike two)

Trust (oh boy.....)

 

The three, need to work cohesively and united, in order to support the relationship.

 

if one is broken, damaged or defective, the other two (as in any tripod) will never be able to fill the gap and continue working effectively. Collapse is possible.

 

You avoided the first, totally abused the second and as for the third - let's not even go there.

 

 

I truly was infatuated, even now I miss this girl and I hate myself for what I did for her. I was fantasizing about running away into the sunset with her. I needed a wake up call.

I'll give you one.

It's right here, under your nose. You've been living with it.

 

It's called a -

 

"Confession to your wife".

 

You can no longer hope to live life normally.

You can't undo what you did, and unlearn what you learnt.

This mill-stone will stay with you for the remainder of your natural life.

 

Because in addition to everything else you've done - the lives you have affected and the deceit you practised - you are now living a lie.

 

You need to urgently insist to your wife that you both attend counselling, and you tell her the truth.

 

Daunting, terrible and disastrous as you believe now, that it would be, believe me, the relief will be palpable.

Counselling is not necessarily a tool to keep people together.

But it's the most effective means of stabilising communication and giving both parties the opportunity to candidly, honestly and nakedly explore their options.

 

You created this crap.

Now, you have to reap the wild wind - and face the consequences head-on.

 

Maintain this lie, keep everything bottled up, and it will kill you inside.

[SafetyWordIsBananna]

The girl worked on a porn site??

 

I have heard the term "Visa Whore".

 

I also have the feeling you knew all along you were being an *******.

 

Pull yourself together, have a test for STD and think about divorcing your wife because I can see you doing this again if you are bored with your life.

 

Poppy.

 

I think I changed her into a nice person, yes at the start you could have called her a "visa whore". My worry was even if I was to carry on and marry this girl, she would sooner or later look for her next "upgrade" as once she has moved to another country, she would have a lot more "options".

 

 

Yes I was being a bastard. I just blinkered myself.

[SafetyWordIsBananna]

Why do you think you (alone) had to find the answer? A marriage is a two-way agreement, isn't it?

You should have communicated with your wife; made it clear you felt there was an issue.

Spoken to her, voiced your concerns.

 

I don't know if you can recall, but when you married her you made some vows. As your life-partner and mother of your child, you owed it to her to discuss things with her, voice the problem and work together to reach some kind of resolution.

Of course it was laziness.

Marriages take work.

Constant work.

Dedication.

Maintenance.

Given the choice of the above, and your eventual actions, frankly, you took the lazy way out.

 

 

 

The three main stalwart supports, the sustaining tripod, of any relationship are:

 

Communication (strike one)

Respect (Strike two)

Trust (oh boy.....)

 

The three, need to work cohesively and united, in order to support the relationship.

 

if one is broken, damaged or defective, the other two (as in any tripod) will never be able to fill the gap and continue working effectively. Collapse is possible.

 

You avoided the first, totally abused the second and as for the third - let's not even go there.

 

 

 

I'll give you one.

It's right here, under your nose. You've been living with it.

 

It's called a -

 

"Confession to your wife".

 

You can no longer hope to live life normally.

You can't undo what you did, and unlearn what you learnt.

This mill-stone will stay with you for the remainder of your natural life.

 

Because in addition to everything else you've done - the lives you have affected and the deceit you practised - you are now living a lie.

 

You need to urgently insist to your wife that you both attend counselling, and you tell her the truth.

 

Daunting, terrible and disastrous as you believe now, that it would be, believe me, the relief will be palpable.

Counselling is not necessarily a tool to keep people together.

But it's the most effective means of stabilising communication and giving both parties the opportunity to candidly, honestly and nakedly explore their options.

 

You created this crap.

Now, you have to reap the wild wind - and face the consequences head-on.

 

Maintain this lie, keep everything bottled up, and it will kill you inside.

 

 

Thanks for the post TaraMaiden.

 

 

For those that know me in real life, they would be very surprised with what I have done. They would not think me capable of such a big mess up. That's probably why my wife doesn't suspect anything.

 

 

I'm going to try to take this to my grave with myself. It would hurt my family too much. Its my fault so I must carry this burden by myself, even if it eats me from inside.

[TaraMaiden2]

Thanks for the post TaraMaiden.

 

 

For those that know me in real life, they would be very surprised with what I have done. They would not think me capable of such a big mess up. That's probably why my wife doesn't suspect anything.

All the more reason why you should reveal the 'real' you.

Otherwise, she's married to a false entity.

 

I'm going to try to take this to my grave with myself. It would hurt my family too much. Its my fault so I must carry this burden by myself, even if it eats me from inside.

More selfishness.

You're primarily taking the coward's way out, under the pretext of protection.

Essentially, what you're saying is that you don't have trust or confidence in the outcome, you'd rather continue lying to your wife, and depriving her of the honest opportunity of being able to deal with this in the open.

You either underestimate her ability to be able to deal with this, or you fear the outcome will reveal your true colours and deal you a consequence you don't want to face.

 

You don't HAVE to 'carry this burden'.

But you choose to, because again, it's easier.

[WakingUp]

Seriously?

 

You cannot even spell the word banana?