Divorce Heartbreak

[Heart'OGold]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and have been trolling various threads and thought it would be worth joining for a little help, and support.

 

I'm currently going through a divorce with my husband, and I'm so heartbroken I don't know where to begin.

 

I was with my husband for 8 years before we got engaged. We met in our early 20's I was in college, and he was in the military. We had a long distance relationship, a very trusting one at that (for the first couple of years). We would see each other every opportunity we had. I was there for him during his deployments, and when his mother passed away. When he came back he was not the same. He eventually left the military, and moved to CA to start a life with me.

 

 

When he first came out here, things were pretty good... but things started to get worse, he hated his job, and started drinking a lot, and getting really abusive. We had a hear to heart, and things did get better. Then, they got worse after a few months had passed. he decided he couldn't handle living in CA and decided to make arrangements to live with an old HS pal (male) in another state. I was so heartbroken... but he realized very quickly he needed help and wanted to come home, and start a live with me. I was hesitant because I was so hurt, but after 3 months he moved back.

 

 

Fast forward a few years, and we eventually get engaged. The abuse had stopped for a while, he was diagnosed with PTSD, on medication, and going to therapy... things were good. We get married, and when he starts a new job a few months after, things start to get worse. I noticed a correlation between his stress at work, his drinking, and the abuse. Things were starting to get really bad!!!

 

 

There were numerous occasions when he would drive home drunk, to the point where he walked into walls... get into his fits of rage, and would start beating on me. I stood up for myself, and told him this type of behavior was un-acceptable. He just called me a bitch and blamed me for his problems. He said I was his trigger!

 

I eventually had to kick him out of our home, I felt like my life was in danger. I didn't want a divorce, but thought this was the best idea, that way we can both work on ourselves. I had recently been diagnosed with PCOS, and had gained some weight. I was a tad depressed, but thought this would be a good thing for our marriage. We would both work on ourselves, and be the best versions of each other, to strengthen our marriage. And I told him, he needed to get help. He had stopped taking his medication and going to therapy. Instead of wanting to work on things, he said he wanted a divorce. This crushed me... a few weeks went by, and he contacted me and said he didn't want a divorce, he realized he wanted to work on our marriage, and live happily ever after with me.

 

I had left on vacation with my mother and her friends, whenI got back... he went MIA. It turns out he had changed his mind, and dumped mewithout telling me. Meanwhile, I was worried I couldn't get a hold of him. WhenI landed, I went straight to his apartment. I was worried, and I missed him so much, all I wanted to do was see him! He was the biggest jerk that day. He told me he changed his mind and realized he didn't want to be responsible for a wife, or kids should we have any. He was sick of trying to make things work,and wanted a divorce. I was shocked, we had a very comfy life, and all I did was love and support him I am so heartbroken! I'm so easy to get along with... I wasn't demanding, bitchy, didn't have him on a tight leash. We had no issues financially, I never told him what to do... I was so loving to him, and treated him like a king (everyone noticed how great I was with him, and said they wished they had a wife like me). All I wanted was to be treated with love and kindness like I treated him. The only time I would get "bitchy" with him, was when he would be mean, disrespectful, and abusive. I would literally make him breakfast every morning, pack his lunch for work, dinner every night... I would surprise him with massages when he was stressed with work,we'd go on weekend getaways, and we would always do fun things... we even wentto exclusive events. We had a wonderful life. But, asking him to get help was too much to ask I guess.

 

A few months later he moves to FL, and doesn't even tell me he's left CA... I found this out on my own. While in FL he eventually reached out to me to get communication going to see if we can make things work. I was so happy... but he eventually went MIA, and a week later, he sent me an email saying this was goodbye, and he wants a divorce. He wasn't even going to respond to the loving email I had sent him when he reached out to me... but eventuallyresponded saying that "I deserved a response" and that he was just putting it off. I was furious and heartbroken again.

 

He comes back to CA for work, and visits with one of our mutual friends. Says he's been dating, but realized that girls our age (early30's) have too much baggage or are single for a reason. Fast forward 6 months after... that same friend goes to FL on business and meets w/ my ex for dinner. He told our friend that he'sdating... but nobody in particular... and that he is dating girls that are no older than 28 because they have no baggage.

 

Just a few weeks ago... a girlfriend of mine said she saw my ex, and his "girlfriend" at a mutual friends co-ed shower. Apparently... he has been with this girl for a whole year??? But he was telling our friend that he wasn't dating in particular... why did he lie about this? I haven't tried to contact my husband in months... and have no desire too... I even found out he had blocked me from email and phone (I had to contact him regarding a hospital bill that was outstanding that was sent to me that was un-paid).

 

I'm having a hard time dealing with this divorce. All I wanted to do was work on our marriage together. But he fled, and moved to FL...since he's moved there... he hasn't been able to keep a job, has lost most of his hair... is aging horribly, but is dating a girl, that has baggage. She just recently divorced in April, and has a child. She's not un-attractive, but she looks significantly older than me. She's 25, but looks to be in her late 30's and I look like I'm 18, but in my early 30's! I don't understand why he jumped to wanting to get a divorce with me, just to jump into another relationship shortly after moving to FL with a woman who was going through a divorce too, and has a small child.

 

I'm an accomplished young lady in my early 30's, very attractive, wonderful personality, heart of gold, and I come from a great family... I love to experience new things, and live life to the fullest.

 

I don't understand why he's downgraded to a woman who has no goals and who clearly has baggage when he said that's not what he wanted. It breaks my heart that he is with this woman... but didn't see the value in what we had, and didn't even try to make things work. I'm just so upset. All this time I thought we had something special that was worth fighting for... he clearly doesn't feel the same. My friend that saw him and his GF said that they were not affectionate at all, and that he didn't even seem like he liked her, but she really likes him. He took off with our BMW... so, I don't know if she thinks he's loaded? He has that car because of me! She said it was like he traded the champagne life, for pabst...my friend also went on to say that my ex was talking to a mutual friend about how great I am, but didn't mention my name because his GF was right there... but knew he was talking about me. I don't know who this man is, and I can't believe he's making an effort with this girl. I even found out that she's been talking about getting married, having more kids... wanting a really expensive engagement ring. We're not even divorced yet!

 

My heart is literally in a million pieces. I don't know what to think anymore. I loved him with all my heart, and think about him every day! There is no way I would take him back after all of this... but, I could use some advice.

 

Comments are greatly appreciated!

Edited October 22, 2015 by Heart'OGold
wrong format

[sidney2718]

It takes two to make a marriage, but only one to break it up.

 

It is time for you to consider moving on. Don't waste any more of your life waiting for your husband to see the light. He seems to have a considerable number of problems and I'm sure that you'd like to help him fix them.

 

The problem is that he doesn't want you to fix them. He doesn't want you, period. If you love him, do him the favor of cutting him free.

[BelleSkye]

Let her have him. He sounds evil.

[StBreton]

Hi HeartofGold

 

I'm sorry for all you've gone through and are still going through. You deserve to be happy.

 

It sounds like you guys had a good connection but your hubby had a lot of turmoil going on emotionally and couldn't fit into a normal existence for any duration. I'm sure he loves you ...with how HE is ...he just can't be with you ...as hard as he's tried. I believe that he thinks highly of you ...but you are on a different level ...a higher level of being and functioning ...and being with you day to day illuminates his feelings of inadequacy that he can't function like you ...you are his trigger but it's not because of anything you're doing wrong ...just the opposite ...you're doing everything right.

 

When you consider the person he's chosen to be with ...someone who has a lot of baggage ...very young single mom to a very young child ...it makes sense ...this is a person he can help ... He feels he's at a higher functioning level so her behavior does not trigger his anxiety /feelings of inadequacy.

 

I know you love him ...but try to see inside of him for who he is ...and continue to love him but at a distance. He feels very weak and nothing you can do will change that.

 

I think you must let go of the dream you had for the two of you ...at this point your guy does not seem capable of pulling himself up and if he can not do that ...you will always be his trigger. I'm truly sorry for the loss of your dream. Please try to heal then move on and find someone who can love you and fit into your world. You must forgive your husband ...or else bitterness will take a hold of your heart ...if you forgive your heart will become wholesome again and you'll be open to loving someone fully and available for someone to love you.

Edited October 25, 2015 by StBreton

[chapter44]

My heart goes out to you. It's a very difficult situation given your husbands PTSD diagnosis. You have done everything you can and soon you will have to decide if staying in this marriage is worth the damage it is causing you. At the end of the day loving someone who continually hurts you isn't love - it's obsession. While I appreciate and admire your commitment only you can decide if that level of pain is worth it.

 

I wish you the best.