True Romance...

[ShatteredLady]

I've had the horrible experience of reading some of the correspondence between my husband & his OW. I'm not talking about the lies & nonsense here. I want to discuss the 'ROMANCE'.

 

As a couple we've always joked about how opposites attract. To be honest we're a mix of very different & spookily the same. Our HUGE difference is my H has always been a math & computer geek whilst I'm a literature girl. Our educations reflect this.

 

I would love to receive poetry & love letters from my H but accepted 25 years ago that he just isn't that kind of man. His 2nd email to his OW was beautiful. She had asked him if he remembered something & he replied sadly no, "But I will always remember the way your eyes sparkle when you laugh. The way your hand feels in mine as we walk into a restaurant.....". He even sent her Sonnet 29. One of my favorites. My heart would skip a beat if a man ever sent that to me. I would truly treasure that...

 

I've always been a hapless romantic. I know that some people just aren't like that. It's not a reflection of how deep & true their love runs. It's just how they are...

 

Why do some people find it in themselves to express romance & poetry whilst in the throws of an affair when it doesn't come naturally in 'real life'? Have you had that kind of relationship where you wax lyrical about the depths of your love? Has your BS organized romantic rendezvous you didn't think them capable of? My H says, "I love you" many times every single day but it remains an unrealized fantasy of mine to have poetic romance. I've never been surprised even for the big anniversaries or birthdays....

 

If anyone cares to share a truly romantic experience to lighten the thread I'd enjoy that too!

[Ladyjane14]

I've had the horrible experience of reading some of the correspondence between my husband & his OW. I'm not talking about the lies & nonsense here. I want to discuss the 'ROMANCE'.

 

As a couple we've always joked about how opposites attract. To be honest we're a mix of very different & spookily the same. Our HUGE difference is my H has always been a math & computer geek whilst I'm a literature girl. Our educations reflect this.

 

I would love to receive poetry & love letters from my H but accepted 25 years ago that he just isn't that kind of man. His 2nd email to his OW was beautiful. She had asked him if he remembered something & he replied sadly no, "But I will always remember the way your eyes sparkle when you laugh. The way your hand feels in mine as we walk into a restaurant.....". He even sent her Sonnet 29. One of my favorites. My heart would skip a beat if a man ever sent that to me. I would truly treasure that...

 

I've always been a hapless romantic. I know that some people just aren't like that. It's not a reflection of how deep & true their love runs. It's just how they are...

 

Why do some people find it in themselves to express romance & poetry whilst in the throws of an affair when it doesn't come naturally in 'real life'? Have you had that kind of relationship where you wax lyrical about the depths of your love? Has your BS organized romantic rendezvous you didn't think them capable of? My H says, "I love you" many times every single day but it remains an unrealized fantasy of mine to have poetic romance. I've never been surprised even for the big anniversaries or birthdays....

 

If anyone cares to share a truly romantic experience to lighten the thread I'd enjoy that too!

 

Maybe another way to look at this is that he's not putting on the casanova persona with YOU, and when I say "the casanova persona", I mean the mask the WS wears while they're out doing their dirt.

 

The silver lining here is that you might be getting the authentic man, while what she had was the facade.

[BetrayedH]

Maybe another way to look at this is that he's not putting on the casanova persona with YOU, and when I say "the casanova persona", I mean the mask the WS wears while they're out doing their dirt.

 

The silver lining here is that you might be getting the authentic man, while what she had was the facade.

 

Agreed. Affair partners just put on their best faces. They get to take their game out for a spin.

 

For what it's worth, I hope you don't believe that your man actually meant any of that drivel.

[todreaminblue]

my ex hated literature ....he hated books.....he was more a hands on person he showed his love by in his touch...he had expressive hands.....and he could melt me...i am a poet.....i love poetry i love classical literature and shakespeare i never expected my ex to get into poetry...but he did...he loved reading my poetry and i used to write poetry for him because he would ask me too.....eh woudl ask to read my new stuff and always took an interest ..he told me it was beautiful......and that he loved it when i wrote about him..he made me feel my poetry was worthwhile..he still asks me to this day if i am still writing and if i have written anything new......he has asked for em to send him some...but i cant.......i miss writing poetry for someone special....or prose ...i like my writing to have purpose and design...if its ....not centered ...i cant really write all that well...maybe i cant really write all that well anyway...my poetry is often child like simple rhyme simple words.......i like to write that way...and ill never forget how my ex made em feel about my simplicity..he would look at me with this smile when he said the poetry was beautiful...i would write him simple sonnets........he made me feel....well beautiful... and would touch my heart.......with more than just his fingers......because normally my poetry would lead to the bedroom.......where ....we could whisper more than words......

 

smilin

 

 

yep i am a hopeless romantic....my ex and i are over now as is my poetry to him......one day....i might meet someone......i can write for again who loves it

 

i understand why poetry touches your heart...writing poetry touches mine.....and its meant to......thats the heart of poetry reaching out to touch and hold onto another..words matter.......as does rhyme....it has a reason to be there.........i hope you liked what i shared with you.......hugs...deb

[Raena]

Maybe it's all part of the show? I mean, cheaters lie about lots of things when they are cheating. Maybe it's just to woo the other person into thinking they aren't doing something wrong... that the person who is cheating is really so in "love"?

 

This is what the affair bubble means I would think. Not seeing the reality of what is happening, thinking you've found the "love of a lifetime" that just happened to come along while you are already taken. All part of being a different person.

 

I'm sorry you had to see that from your husband to another woman, especially since he must have known you would have loved for him to say all that to you.

 

When I found out I was being cheated on I remember thinking very clearly that it wasn't about him sleeping with another woman that hurt me so deeply. It hurt, but it didn't cut as deep as the lies. The lies he told her about me that weren't true, the way he treated her as if she was something special and I was just some old nag that got in the way of his "happiness", the lies he told me. It was all smoke and mirrors though. He may have felt that way in the moment, but now, 2 years later, he is well out of the affair bubble and realizes what he lost.

 

On a happier note (sort of)... I did date a man many years ago who was really good at the "details" or the "small things" as he put it. He left notes on my car all the time, he sent me flowers for no reason, he rubbed my feet after a long day standing at work, we talked for hours about anything and everything and he accepted me for who I was. He truly was very romantic. Looking back, I see all of the notes and cards and things he gave me... I saved them in a box with all my other memorabilia... and I kick myself in the backside for walking away from that. What was I thinking? It's rare to find someone like that. I shouldn't have moved away. It still eats at me because he was my best friend and the nicest, most caring man I could have ever found. Foolish me was more worried about my career than having a man so I left him and moved away to "follow my dreams". What a dummy.

[Ladyjane14]

Agreed. Affair partners just put on their best faces. They get to take their game out for a spin.

 

For what it's worth, I hope you don't believe that your man actually meant any of that drivel.

 

I honestly do believe that part of the drama, the addictive quality of it, is trying on that new personality... stepping outside oneself, leaving behind Real Life for awhile, and being someone different than the person you really are. Soccer moms get to play the naughty vixen... math nerds get to try on the poet. It's part of the fantasy.

 

They enjoy it so much it's hard to part with; emotionally, physiologically. The bubble bursts eventually though and they see it's only an empty charade. By then, it's sometimes too late. They've caused too much trauma in their betrayed spouse. But for the nearly 70% who decide to stay together, about half of those will make it to full-on emotional intimacy, a stronger, better union than they ever imagined.

[Popsicle]

I would argue that if was able to do it with someone else, then he IS a romantic at heart. I know aromantics that can't do it with anyone.

[Ladyjane14]

I would argue that if was able to do it with someone else, then he IS a romantic at heart. I know aromantics that can't do it with anyone.

 

Everybody has subpersonalities. Waywards just take them out on an extended stroll. It's too exhausting over the long haul to wear them full time. So while we all enjoy some romance, it's allowing our real selves to emerge wholly with someone which created real intimacy.

[BlueDress]

My husband was never a romantic with me. With her he's like a totally different person with romantic gestures. I saw what he wrote to her in emails after he left. What he writes her on Twitter, Facebook. All the time. They grow out of it when the sparkle wears off. They do it less than they used to. Life catches up. It wears down. He's still more romantic with her than he ever was with me.

 

I don't know what the difference was. Silliness. Absolute silliness for adults to gush.

[harrybrown]

Hope you have discussed this with him. And in MC.

 

If he could do it for her, for you, he should be able to compete with shakespeare.

 

Where is his book that he wrote for you? (and only you)

 

Sorry for your heartache.

[66Charger]

What makes a romantic is not just thinking things, but actually doing or saying them. One of the many reasons that a man may not say what he feels is a lack of appreciation for the small things that he may do. A "why bother" attitude ensues. Or perhaps because of your condition he may think that what you need is different than romance. This is only my speculation SL.

 

 

I am a diehard romantic. I believe in the fairy tale, the forever, rainbows and unicorns. I will sing you a song while you listen, sitting far away in the rain For some I have dated, it may have been a bit much and their response drives me to tone it down. For some, its "yea, yea yea, give me it all and some more. The problem is, when you start toning it down, you dont know when to tone it back up and it disappears. Never turn this off. If you do, you will regret it. You will wake up one day and say why dont you do this anymore. His real answer is "because you taught me not to. Fighting all the time kills this also.

 

Dont take the flowers and say thanks honey, quick kiss, then hurry out to do "other more important things". Instead, look him in the eye, give a extended hug and display the roses prominently. If he sees his "displlay of affection" the slow turning male lightbulb will go on and he will probaly do something else soon. Be ready for it. It may be small, but if you catch it and "display" again it may snowball.

 

Ther is also nothing wrong with writing out your list. Make it long. Include everything from opening the door, sending you a song, kissing you EVERY time he gets home etc. Give it to him. Dont ask, DEMAND that this is how you wish your life to be. The notion that he should mind read or think of it himself is ok when you are young, but in a long term marriage relationship, there is nothing wrong with a refresher course. JUST TRY IT.

 

It is very possible to bring romance back into your life IF your SO does really love you. 90% of loving (romantically lazy) husbands/SO do want to please their women. If we see your eyes light up, we are more than likely to try it again. Sometimes, life just gets in the way and you have to force a change.

 

Another 2 beer happy hour post, that I probably should have erased.

Edited October 23, 2015 by 66Charger

[Mrs. John Adams]

Let's be honest...we always put our best face forward when we are "dating"...

We go the extra mile ....say the nice things....do the thoughtful things...look extra special nice.....when we are trying to impress our "date".

 

Once we marry...we want our mate to accept us for who we are...and we no longer play the game of romancing.

 

I am a lucky one....my husband has never been one to be frivolous with gifts or flowers or candy....he doesn't write me poems...

 

but he makes sure each day that he tells me how beautiful i am and how much he loves me. He opens the door for me...and he holds me hand. He is not one to be flashy or showy....but i know beyond every doubt...that he would do whatever i asked of him.

 

We don't always look like we stepped out of a magazine...but i wear his favorite perfume...and i let him know how much i appreciate all he does for me.

 

Dating is fun....it can be exciting....but i want the comfort of knowing that i am treasured.

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you Lady Jane (Quote) "The silver lining here is that you might be getting the authentic man, while what she had was the facade."

 

I know! Logically I know that you're correct. He's a soap box atheist who quoted the bible to her, said "God bless" & "You're in my prayers" often. He searched the Internet for country & western lyrics (he HATES that kind of music) to 'relate' to her. He blatantly lied about events, me & our relationship. I know all of these things to be true...

 

Sometimes certain things just sting so much more than others. For me, I think the heart break is just so overwhelming that my brain has to focus on a specific just to make it all a little less overwhelming!

 

The fact remains that he said those things. If he can 'fake-it' for her couldn't he try, just once in a while for me? I don't know that I mean that. I want authenticity. I want honesty but that boat seems to of sailed....

 

We're reconciling....our code for 'let's forget it ever happened & get on with life' but I don't feel safe, loved or secure. Something is broken deep inside of me & I can't fix myself. I've lost my faith, my meaning, my purpose. Sometimes "I'm sorry. It was a huge mistake. I love you" just isn't enough after 9 months of agony, confusion, lies & brutal criticism. A little "facade" could be just what the doctor ordered....you know? Just like a prescription for antidepressants to get me through the hardest part....

 

Thank you all on L'S so much. You've been life savers for me through all of this. Never underestimate the comfort of strangers.

[Grapesofwrath]

I had the misfortune of getting involved with a narcissist, who was also a cheater. He could be incredibly romantic. Love letters. Expressions of extreme adoration. Hyperbolic declarations of love. in the beginning...then the real person comes through. And the vicious cycle begins. Now, I don't trust all of that. It's nice, but what does it really mean at the end of the day?

 

My xMM was also romantic. Wrote poetry for me. Passionate declarations of love. But no substance to back it up. As lovely as those things are, I'll take the substance, the actions, the real devotion through a life of commitment any day. Ideally, one gets both. That's a tall order, especially over the course of years. So if one has to choose, I'd take the actions over the gestures/words.

[katielee]

This would be hard for me too. I mean, hubby took OW2 out for lunch and then just HAD to see her again that day, to make out with her in the park. He's NEVER wanted to do that with me. That has always hurt.

It's the Dating thing though. That's how ppl are when they date. And then you realize that your spouse was actually "dating" while married to you. It's tough. My hubby won't even go there with what I did. Too painful. I get it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Everybody has subpersonalities. Waywards just take them out on an extended stroll. It's too exhausting over the long haul to wear them full time. So while we all enjoy some romance, it's allowing our real selves to emerge wholly with someone which created real intimacy.

 

I respectfully disagree.

 

My brother and his wife have been married 22 years this past July. Their relationship is quite literally the stuff of romance novels and motion pictures. They are as in love today as they were the first day he brought her home to meet the family, in fact, more so.

 

They've had their ups and downs like any couple but when the dust settles they genuinely adore one another. They've come to appreciate each other and understand that it takes initiative and effort to sustain a happy marriage. Making each other a priority is paramount. Their marriage, their friendship, their romance, their happiness is, as they put it, a choice they make every single day. Marriage can be hard work but anything worth having is worth fighting for.

 

Courting one's spouse shouldn't be seen as a chore or "exhausting" and if it does, perhaps there are much bigger issues at play that need to be examined more closely. It's just a cop out.

 

Your husband has it in him to give but he's choosing to spend it on someone else. Have you ever expressed your desire for such romance to your husband?

Edited October 23, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle

[xxoo]

The fact remains that he said those things. If he can 'fake-it' for her couldn't he try, just once in a while for me? I don't know that I mean that. I want authenticity.

 

I think you want him to be authentically motivated to wow you and woo you. I think that's absolutely normal for a wife, and especially a wife who has seen him woo another (knife to the gut).

 

If he doesn't, why not? Is an issue in the relationship getting in the way?

[Lion Heart]

Hello sweetheart (don't want to affirm you user name at all) and will affirm you have a sweet heart

 

I get what you're saying.

I COMPLETELY agree.

 

Just food for thought as I think your thread is more about feeling unfulfilled in R even moreso now you know what he did with OW and I gather won't or hasn't done for you.

 

My response is he ABSOLUTELY SHOULD!

 

Are you his Plan B? No. She was a sideline show. And he put on a parade for her. HE SHOULD PUT on the WHOLE d***ed orchestral concert for you! Yes I agree DEMAND IT. Now!!!!!

 

WRITE THAT LIST

 

No More Mrs Nice Girl

 

WH here used to laugh when anyone asked if I (as his wife) was "high maintenance". Ofcourse not! She's easy.

 

Easy to FOOL I'm translating that as.

 

I am now THE MOST DEMANDING I've EVER been and he jumps or I walk. EASILY.

 

There's an amazing TED talk I saw last night by Esther Perel** not sure about spelling. She has a few on there but 1 spoke about what we WANT in a fulfilling exciting relationship and what we usually get in M. VERY EYE OPENING! I asked WH for years for simple things. Free in fact. Zip zero zilch he gave me.

The things we want in M are those comfort and reliability things BUT WHAT GETS us going is ALL this other stuff.

 

I realized very soon after my D Day Number 1 that MERELY BECAUSE I'M WH WIFE, I do not get the best of him (my words). Crikeys I know I sh** all over the OWs in looks, quals, position, employment, property and PROSPECTS! They are seriously laughable. They're so desperate they have a M man? Woah they can have him!

 

But he chose me as a lifetime partner, mother of all his children and held me in far higher esteem than them. After the children he put a holier than thou halo around me and we're only realising that now!

 

I had no idea why he changed. He didn't want to do those 'dirty' things with the mother of his children. That stuff was what (******) did. But I disagree. Anyone can get down and dirty and SHOULD do WITH their husband!

 

And I really look at this way - IF we are meant to stay in a M until death THEN WHY NOT have EVERYTHING on earth we can together? Now. Exclusively for each other, forsaking ALL others. In R we really have to dig bl**** deep for answers to OUR needs as BSs. We have an opportunity to flee. I've always known I could leave anytime (no fault D here in Oz). Just ping and it's gone.

 

But this M was a CHOICE. Every day I knew where I wanted to be and WHO I wanted to be with! He was merely cake-eating and never wanted to leave. Weird but his words. I guess many people see it that way. I see NOT having affairs as avoiding hurting my spouse and children beyond ANY point of no return.

 

There's no returning to that horrid M for me.

 

Whether I end this "R" sooner rather than later is to be seen.

But I will never be treated like a door mat EVER again. By anyone. My vow to myself.

 

Another source of thought in this is the Gottman model of a good relationship / M.

A house with the highest point being MAKING YOUR PARTNERS DREAMS A REALITY.

 

You want a romantic poet? I'm certain you can grab a rug and a bottle of wine and the poem and head off to a meadow or beach. SHOW HIM HOW EASY IT IS TO PLEASE YOU. It's not hard. If it's secluded enough or you're happy to risk a fine, I'd go further right there. After the poem is read! Lol.

 

It is so easy to be romantic. Some people need to be shown. After all if you're in it for the long haul then he must be too.

 

Xxxx

Lion Heart.

Edited October 23, 2015 by Lion Heart

[World's.Edge]

I don't understand why you and so many choose to live in subpar and unfulfilling relationships & marriages.

 

This appears to be a common theme amongst many betrayed, especially before the discovery of an affair and even more so after discovery. That you choose to accept less than what you require, and forsake certain aspects of your personality and desires. It's sad.

 

He put on a persona for his mistress, uh so what? That just shows that he has it in him to make the effort but chooses not to. It shows that he valued her enough to want to meet her needs and try to impress her, so why doesn't he do the same for you?

 

It shouldn't be a comfort that he wasn't his "genuine" self with her, it should be infuriating that he adapted to her needs and took action and behaved accordingly.

 

You're not being unreasonable or silly in your desire for romance. You've just drastically lowered your expectations since you've been with someone who doesn't value you enough to care and meet your needs and learned to live without, and except the little that you receive in relation to what you want.

 

 

We're reconciling....our code for 'let's forget it ever happened & get on with life' but I don't feel safe, loved or secure.

 

That's the dumbest approach towards reconciliaton that I've read and often read about on these threads. It's known as rugsweeping, and it's going to result in you being miserable, probably depressed, anxious, bitter, and full of resentment and regret.

 

Off course you're not going to feel secure, safe and loved. You can't if he doesn't make you feel secure, safe and loved. Infidelity is traumatic so that alone leaves you shattered, your husband's unwillingness to address the affair and meet your needs will only deepen those wounds. If your husband isn't willing to even try, then why even bother with staying in this marriage?

 

It doesn't take that much effort to listen to someone and figure out or find out their needs and desires and meet them. Your husband KNOWS that you like poetry and romance.

 

Taking the time and making effort to make your spouse happy is not putting on a "facade", it is how we show love and committment. He has already done a s***** job of showing his committment to you with his infidelities, the very least that he can do is try..

 

And the very least that you can do is learn to voice what you want and need in this marriage.

[merrmeade]

I totally get this, too, SL, and am reminded that this is probably what really broke my heart the most. All the other stuff you can get mad about, but the part of the WS that was softened and awakened by AP seemed genuine. There's nothing you can do about it except, as others have said, try to understand the whole mental aberration that was required for them to get that far. The romance was just part of that.

 

I remember making a family video of our two families (OW was my brother's wife) before d-day. I was showing it to my husband first, and when he looked at her picture, his face softened, his eyes opened and blinked with feeling. It took my breath away and was the first hint. I mentioned it and, of course, he denied it, but I knew what I saw. Then, I found out that he'd given her perfume two years in a row for her birthday when I'd been gone and one of the years bought himself the men's version of the fragrance. He’d never selected a fragrance for me spontaneously. He teased her lovingly in phone messages and in one asked her when she was coming and "why so long." The yearning I discerned in those and other examples was crushing, but the worst was the emails and phone records — to discover that they’d talked every day, many times a day and that she'd managed to get inside his head and bring him 'out.' He initiated communication with her constantly, yet he talked/talks to no one.

 

I don't know if you did what I did and pointed these things out. That's fine and important to discuss, but you can't command romance. I decided that if he can't figure out how to make it up to me in unique, new ways, then he wasn't worth it. It's a no brainer, SL.

 

But I no longer feel the same envy or bitterness for whatever they gave or did for each other because I realize that whatever attentiveness and intimacy they had, it still was based on delusion and distorted perception. They were needy in their own ways and, therefore, shared an unspoken agreement to meet each other's needs so that their own would be met. The agreement included ignoring faults, exaggerating qualities, over-sympathizing and being available for anything that arises. They gave each other the opportunity to be things they could not be in real life heretofore. They both needed or were missing certain kinds of achievement or appreciation; now they could get it. The tenderness and romance are part of that mutual agreement to keep the bubble from bursting.

 

I also believe now that my husband is able to see it for what it was, and I no longer feel hurt by whatever he gave or did for her, for whatever she was able to get him to do. I know that it was a strange journey into deluded rationalization and invention. They created their own little reality in which they were nothing like themselves. I have seen his shame and believe it includes embarrassment at playing this game and making himself vulnerable to her. I do not believe that he loved her more; I think she was a substitute and made him feel wanted. I’m convinced of his commitment to me for the long haul (if I want it) and his rejection of his signature behavior with women (flirting — though I’m not convinced he knows all the ways he does it). But mainly, I can see that he understands the delusion or affair fog.

 

I think that’s key – if and when the WS steps out of the fog and realizes those tender, romantic experiences were a kind of mutual massage of egos. When you’re sure he's sure of that, you won’t dwell on the ways he bestowed attention on her.

 

Also, you must realize another thing; You don’t WANT him to do for you the things he did for her. Yuck, no way! It becomes the worst trigger imaginable. No, the main thing is knowing that the WS believes HIMSELF that his feelings and actions during the affair were not real.

[Ladyjane14]

Thank you Lady Jane (Quote) "The silver lining here is that you might be getting the authentic man, while what she had was the facade."

 

I know! Logically I know that you're correct. He's a soap box atheist who quoted the bible to her, said "God bless" & "You're in my prayers" often. He searched the Internet for country & western lyrics (he HATES that kind of music) to 'relate' to her. He blatantly lied about events, me & our relationship. I know all of these things to be true...

 

Sometimes certain things just sting so much more than others. For me, I think the heart break is just so overwhelming that my brain has to focus on a specific just to make it all a little less overwhelming!

 

The fact remains that he said those things. If he can 'fake-it' for her couldn't he try, just once in a while for me? I don't know that I mean that. I want authenticity. I want honesty but that boat seems to of sailed....

 

We're reconciling....our code for 'let's forget it ever happened & get on with life' but I don't feel safe, loved or secure. Something is broken deep inside of me & I can't fix myself. I've lost my faith, my meaning, my purpose. Sometimes "I'm sorry. It was a huge mistake. I love you" just isn't enough after 9 months of agony, confusion, lies & brutal criticism. A little "facade" could be just what the doctor ordered....you know? Just like a prescription for antidepressants to get me through the hardest part....

 

Thank you all on L'S so much. You've been life savers for me through all of this. Never underestimate the comfort of strangers.

 

To answer your question above in bold, you say that you don't know that you really want that. And I'd guess that you're probably right.

 

Waywards get triggers too, unfortunate reminders of the past. Slipping that old mask back on, even for you, might be one. It's something that might be hitting a little too close to his own wounds. And even though those wounds are self-inflicted by HIS choice to go outside the marriage, they still might be painful enough reminders that he doesn't want to be That Guy anymore.

[Cymbeline]

I'm a literature graduate. I expect that in your relationship that expertise belongs to you. He likes it and appropriated it to try out his new persona.

 

I agree with Mermede that something may be brought out of our spouses by the op that we do not. They are different people and relate differently. Much is down to affair dynamics and a certain inauthentic play acting on the part of the WS but some is a genuine response to a new character who brings out parts that the Ws may not know they had.

 

Some similar things happened with us. I think Mermede is right that you do not want to receive the same things as they are triggers. My husband and I share literature and the arts. The poetry he sent to OP was highly romantic and overblown for my taste. Not a favourite at all and for that I am grateful. The activities too were different to those I would like - the play they saw too populist , I'm not interested in a day spa experience (and nor is he usually).

 

It's hard to bring back the romance because you feel it's been stolen from you but you need to try to do it in alternative ways.

 

Try some really new activities or ideas - perhaps some youthful ones since it is a return to the freedom of youth that is part of the attraction. Music bars? Pop concerts? You know him best - what would he not think of for himself?

Good luck. X

[basil67]

All that romantic stuff....people don't just do it in the throes of an affair. They also do it in the throes of any new love. It's just a standard part of infatuation. A trick of the hormones.

[xxoo]

All that romantic stuff....people don't just do it in the throes of an affair. They also do it in the throes of any new love. It's just a standard part of infatuation. A trick of the hormones.

 

This is true.

 

But if the husband never did it for the OP when they were in the throes of new love, despite her clearly valuing it, what would that mean?

[Cymbeline]

This is true.

 

But if the husband never did it for the OP when they were in the throes of new love, despite her clearly valuing it, what would that mean?

 

Maybe just that they were very young when they fell in love? A mid life, world weary man in an affair is a different creature to the hopeful and optimistic young man he was 20 years ago - just as the BS is different.