True Romance...

[Ladyjane14]

I respectfully disagree.

 

My brother and his wife have been married 22 years this past July. Their relationship is quite literally the stuff of romance novels and motion pictures. They are as in love today as they were the first day he brought her home to meet the family, in fact, more so.

 

They've had their ups and downs like any couple but when the dust settles they genuinely adore one another. They've come to appreciate each other and understand that it takes initiative and effort to sustain a happy marriage. Making each other a priority is paramount. Their marriage, their friendship, their romance, their happiness is, as they put it, a choice they make every single day. Marriage can be hard work but anything worth having is worth fighting for.

 

Courting one's spouse shouldn't be seen as a chore or "exhausting" and if it does, perhaps there are much bigger issues at play that need to be examined more closely. It's just a cop out.

 

Your husband has it in him to give but he's choosing to spend it on someone else. Have you ever expressed your desire for such romance to your husband?

 

Sorry... but, no. If you read through the OP's posts, you'll see that she's talking about a guy who is an avowed atheist quoting scripture for his adultery partner. So that's not going to be an authentic representation of his primary personality.

 

Maybe demonstrativeness IS a primary component for your brother and his wife, who knows? But that's apparently not the case here.

[World's.Edge]

Waywards get triggers too, unfortunate reminders of the past. Slipping that old mask back on, even for you, might be one. It's something that might be hitting a little too close to his own wounds. And even though those wounds are self-inflicted by HIS choice to go outside the marriage, they still might be painful enough reminders that he doesn't want to be That Guy anymore.

 

Correction: Remorseful waywards feel guilt and regret over their past behaviour, choices and the pain they've caused, and maybe get triggers too ~ Not husbands who have had an affair, are dismissive of any efforts to help their spouse heal from their affair, and started up correspondence/an emotional affair again with the same mistress years later and aren't considerate of how it affects their betrayed wife.

 

However one wants to psychoanalyse affairs, those involved in them not only lied, manipulated, were abusive and cruel to their spouses, they also enjoyed being in the affair, and not all of them feel remorse or regret it.

 

Slipping on a mask might be a trigger? Okay uhm, how does being romantic, considerate and doing nice things for one's wife constitute as slipping on a mask? Shouldn't those things have been present in the marriage and precede the affair in the first place? ShatteredLady's husband actually said and did things for his mistress that he had done for his wife before.

 

I mean, if those things "hit a little too close to his own wounds" and if it's really too painful and too much effort for an adulterer to show love to their spouse, then maybe marriage isn't for them or they just don't care about their spouse. And I'm not refering to him pretending to be religious when he's athiest, what you refer to as not an authentic representation of his primary personality. I'm talking about sharing/reciting poetry with his wife, buying her flowers, organizing a romantic dinner, telling her sweet things, etc.

Edited October 23, 2015 by World's.Edge

[merrmeade]

Correction: Remorseful waywards feel guilt and regret over their past behaviour, choices and the pain they've caused, and maybe get triggers too ~ Not husbands who have had an affair, are dismissive of any efforts to help their spouse heal from their affair, and started up correspondence/an emotional affair again with the same mistress years later and aren't considerate of how it affects their betrayed wife.

 

However one wants to psychoanalyse affairs, those involved in them not only lied, manipulated, were abusive and cruel to their spouses, they also enjoyed being in the affair, and not all of them feel remorse or regret it.

 

Slipping on a mask might be a trigger? Okay uhm, how does being romantic, considerate and doing nice things for one's wife constitute as slipping on a mask? Shouldn't those things have been present in the marriage and precede the affair in the first place? ShatteredLady's husband actually said and did things for his mistress that he had done for his wife before.

 

I mean, if those things "hit a little too close to his own wounds" and if it's really too painful and too much effort for an adulterer to show love to their spouse, then maybe marriage isn't for them or they just don't care about their spouse. And I'm not refering to him pretending to be religious when he's athiest, what you refer to as not an authentic representation of his primary personality. I'm talking about sharing/reciting poetry with his wife, buying her flowers, organizing a romantic dinner, telling her sweet things, etc.

Yes. There does come a point where we have to look at what they did and what they're doing about it now. I did NOT put my husband up as any kind of example. That would be far more hilarious than sad. Big deal that he affirms the multiple sh-t sandwiches he handed me in this life and the personality disorder that enabled them.

 

I think my point is more that - to myself - I'm no longer his victim. Neither crushed at what all he gave her and doesn't do for me nor angry nor needy. Looking at the nature of his f-ked up affair with my sister-in-law definitely helped me get over it, but realizing that he also felt it was f-ked up helped.

 

Maybe it's better for OP to be angry than hurt, and, yes, she should realize she deserves a lot more than she's gotten. That's the next stage. And making sure you're getting what you deserve? Well, that's another subject, isn't it? One, at any rate, that I know too little about.

[katielee]

I will have to say, it has taken me years to learn and accept the way my husband loves me - and that is to be a provider. While this may not be the way i want to be loved now (it sure was when we met as i was from a broken home) I cannot expect him to change because I have changed. Now, I can provide for myself.

He doesnt' love me by giving me stuff, writing me poems, or blasting social media with how great I am. He does this by building a life with me by planning our retirement, saving money, starting a business with me. At first, after the crisis, I thought - boring. We did read the 5 Love Languages and he tries to do my love language - acts of service - and actually does them very well - but when in crisis, those things go out the window, IMO.

True romance, for him, is being a provider. He did those other gushy things with the OW I don't know, but it sure wasn't the real him. I can tell you those things weren't meaningful to him, but probably were to the OW, and he wanted to ingraciate himself into their lives so that's what he did.

For the poster that said why do we accept subpar. I'm not sure it is subpar. It is life. Real life.

 

I am going to ask him to do daily devotionals with me - that is what I want. And i guess I'll just read to myself if he doesn't want to do them. I don't think he loves me less because of all this. It's just how he wants to be. And I get to choose if it is enough for me. It may not be.

 

I can tell you for sure that how APs romance each other will not and does not last in real life. My Dad married his AP. They have slept separately for 20 years now. My husband would have cringed to share his financial life with his AP. In fact, he said if he were to remarry he would get a pre-nup. But the romancy stuff means nothing to him so why not do it if it means everything to them. Thing is, it must have had a very hollow ring to it.

[TexasMan68]

So he's a cut and paste romantic without an original thought of his own. So that along with an adulterer that makes him a plagiarist.

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you guys. I'm so tired. I just don't want this to be my life.

Something that's hit me reading these posts.... I was quoting the 2nd correspondence my H sent. It's hit me, there was NEVER a single moment of 'just friends' or whatever, 'innocence' is completely the wrong word!

 

She said "Hi". He didn't reply for a week & then sent a "I'm not in a fit state to talk to you. I think about you blah blah" then hours later he sent the mail I was quoting. I'm not talking about things throughout the relationship JUST day 1. The MOMENT he decided to write to her he had already decided to 'woo' her. It didn't 'accidentally happen'.

 

Her response was all 'you're the most principled, moral, man I've ever known. You deserve to be happy. Relax & think of me & enjoy it" kind of stuff.

 

Now I'm obsessed with what I did in THAT WEEK between "Hi" & "The way your eyes sparkle...". He spent a week deciding if he was going to rip my heart out. It was just after Halloween. What happened? He clearly took time to think about replying...ugh!!

I'm back to the agony of thinking that there was something I could of said or done to stop all of this. I was exhausted from trick or treating & all that stuff but I was getting ready for Thanksgiving. He says he was tired of all the sickness but I was getting better when he chose to invite her back in & destroy me.

 

Sorry. I've been writing & deleting replies half the morning. I thought I was doing better but I'm a complete mess again. I am reading your replies & they are helping.

[Mrs. John Adams]

SL....listen to me

 

There is NOTHING you could have done....NOTHING you could have said...to prevent this.

 

My DH...has asked himself the same things.

 

I remember "manipulating" things in my mind...to give myself...the permission i needed...to call the om.

 

Let me say that again because i want you to HEAR it

 

I remember "manipulating" things in my mind...to give myself...the permission i needed...to call the om.

 

Your husband...knew exactly what he was doing...exactly what he was saying....and did it on purpose.

[merrmeade]

So he's a cut and paste romantic without an original thought of his own. So that along with an adulterer that makes him a plagiarist.

Wha-a-a-t? omg, that's not what she was saying at all. And what's with the name-calling? It would be mean - except that I actually READ what she wrote and don't think this will bother her. It's strangely targeted, however, and an extreme interpretation of what she said.

 

I thought it was weird until I saw the handle and avatar. As a born-and-bred Texan, I call this the famous lone-star state two-step synthesis. Throw labels on oversimplified conclusions and call it unvarnished truth.

 

We ain't too big on critical thinking or civility in these here parts.

[merrmeade]

The above was related to TM's reply to this post:

I will have to say, it has taken me years to learn and accept the way my husband loves me - and that is to be a provider. While this may not be the way i want to be loved now (it sure was when we met as i was from a broken home) I cannot expect him to change because I have changed. Now, I can provide for myself.

He doesnt' love me by giving me stuff, writing me poems, or blasting social media with how great I am. He does this by building a life with me by planning our retirement, saving money, starting a business with me. At first, after the crisis, I thought - boring. We did read the 5 Love Languages and he tries to do my love language - acts of service - and actually does them very well - but when in crisis, those things go out the window, IMO.

True romance, for him, is being a provider. He did those other gushy things with the OW I don't know, but it sure wasn't the real him. I can tell you those things weren't meaningful to him, but probably were to the OW, and he wanted to ingraciate himself into their lives so that's what he did.

For the poster that said why do we accept subpar. I'm not sure it is subpar. It is life. Real life.

 

I am going to ask him to do daily devotionals with me - that is what I want. And i guess I'll just read to myself if he doesn't want to do them. I don't think he loves me less because of all this. It's just how he wants to be. And I get to choose if it is enough for me. It may not be.

 

I can tell you for sure that how APs romance each other will not and does not last in real life. My Dad married his AP. They have slept separately for 20 years now. My husband would have cringed to share his financial life with his AP. In fact, he said if he were to remarry he would get a pre-nup. But the romancy stuff means nothing to him so why not do it if it means everything to them. Thing is, it must have had a very hollow ring to it.

[nightmare01]

If we've never been a WS we can't know what's going on inside their heads while they are in the heat of their affair. Those thoughts are completely alien to us - and coming from a frame of reference that we simply can't grasp. Understanding WS thoughts and language during the affair is like trying to understand the language of whales or dolphins. It's simply beyond our understanding.

 

I'm not sure if that's a blessing or not. I believe my WW believed she was deeply in love with her OM... at the time. I think she has come to realize that she was just lying to herself back then.. but you know, I'll never really know the truth.

 

If you can't tell the truth from a lie, then there's not much point in asking the question is there?

 

I went round and round about this stuff for years. Not wanting to be plan B - my WW insists that I'm not.. but you know she could be lying, and I'll never know. So I just accepted that she was in love with him then. Deeply, and totally infatuated with him. And that during that time her feelings for me somewhere between hate and disregard.

 

She's with me now though, and maybe that's what counts the most. She swears she loves me now, and that her affair was a horrible thing she did in the past, and has no bearing on how she feels about me today.

 

Through our reasoning we can't make the past un-happen. It did. And it totally sucks. But it is the past, and I do my best to keep it there.

[World's.Edge]

I will have to say, it has taken me years to learn and accept the way my husband loves me - and that is to be a provider. While this may not be the way i want to be loved now (it sure was when we met as i was from a broken home) I cannot expect him to change because I have changed. Now, I can provide for myself.

He doesnt' love me by giving me stuff, writing me poems, or blasting social media with how great I am. He does this by building a life with me by planning our retirement, saving money, starting a business with me. At first, after the crisis, I thought - boring. We did read the 5 Love Languages and he tries to do my love language - acts of service - and actually does them very well - but when in crisis, those things go out the window, IMO.

True romance, for him, is being a provider. He did those other gushy things with the OW I don't know, but it sure wasn't the real him. I can tell you those things weren't meaningful to him, but probably were to the OW, and he wanted to ingraciate himself into their lives so that's what he did.

 

Well providing is something that he would be doing regardless isn't it? Unless off course he doesn't like having a roof over his head, a bed to sleep in, running water, electricity and food to eat. He is providing for himself too/primarily. It's not a selfless act or one he does solely for your benefit. Saving money, planning for retirement, aren't these things that he'd be doing whether he was alone or with someone else?

 

You mention that though the things he did for his mistress weren't meaningful to him, they probably were to her. That's normal with a lot of relationships, whether romantic, familial or professional. Sometimes we do things that we're not too fond of or don't even have to do because we care and value the people in our lives.

 

You wrote that you can't expect him to change. People change throughout their lives, you changed. The world and people around us change all the time. We learn, mature and grow. Your husband changed during his affairs, willingly and consciously. I'm assuming he is an intelligent and capable man so, do you really think that he is incapable of being able to show you affection and love the way you'd like him to?

 

For the poster that said why do we accept subpar. I'm not sure it is subpar. It is life. Real life.

It's not life, it's you and your husband. Life, real life is when you experience situations and factors that you have no input in or control over. This isn't bigger than you or due to circumstances beyond his or your control. Your relationship is the result of your choices and behaviour towards each other, how you choose to value and treat each other, and how you express your love towards one another.

 

This whole mindest and attitude though is fairly common amongst spouses (especially women) who have experienced infidelity or those married to narcissists or just someone who really can't be bothered.

 

You lower your expectations and learn to accept less, become "low maintenance". You resign yourself to your lot in life and with time, you normalize it.

 

The marriage isn't necessarily bad, just not all that one hoped it could be. You reason and rationalize away your needs and desires and accept that you can live without them, that they're not important and don't really matter.

 

Also where infidelity is involved, often the betrayed spouse doesn't want to behave in a way that they feel might "cause" the adulterer to possibily cheat again or leave so they demand and accept less, careful to maintain the relationship. Sometimes the person who cares the least in a relationship and makes the least amount of effort is the one who controls the quality of the relationship and how good or bad it can be.

[World's.Edge]

It seems that this time around Halloween is a huge trigger for you. To be honest you really can't expect to heal from the affair if you two have never confronted and discussed it together properly and dealt with it.

 

We're reconciling....our code for 'let's forget it ever happened & get on with life'

The above is rugsweeping and you feeling the way that you do is the effect of rugsweeping.

 

If you don't address the affair and try to resolve these issues, questions and feelings, they will persist and continue to resurge over time. It'll result in you being anxious, depressed, manic at times, overwhelmed, neurotic, insecure, paranoid.. you get the picture. You have to choose to confront the affair and have your husband be an active part in your healinga nd reconciliation if you want to move on from this and improve your marriage, and for the sake of your wellbeing.

 

Also, it's not your fault that your husband cheated on you. You seem to blame yourself and think that it's entirely on you and your health issues. It's not. In Sickness And In Health was covered in your vows.

 

His affair is on him, repeat that to yourself until you've internalized it and believe it.

[ShatteredLady]

The EA started when she wrote on the 6th November. I could feel that something was very wrong but I'd been through so many huge things I didn't recognize the signs. Physically I was starting to get better but I was getting very depressed. I blamed myself, my illness for everything.

 

New Years day I read the forum post where he blamed my health & was "choosing tolerating me, his burden, or leaving to find Love, Romance & Adventure". It shattered me & started the (quote) "It'll result in you being anxious, depressed, manic at times, overwhelmed, neurotic, insecure, paranoid.. " I STILL feel like that!

 

Mothers Day I found out about the flowers & the "Best Mother in the World" note. That still makes me want to throw-up! He convinced me they were just friends & he was leaning on her because I was such a nightmare to live with because of my health.

I fell for it!! It devastated me that he would bring her back into our lives after everything.

 

That whole time he had me believing that if I said & did all the right things I could save my M & family. That's the worst cruelty. I lost my mind! How can anyone be 'perfect' when they don't even know what they've done wrong?

 

His line was "if you love me you would just know what I need. If I have to tell you you'll be doing it because I told you NOT because you love me!".

 

I started to find other 'evidence' & we didn't really get to the truth until August. Since its been over he says he didn't mean it. Felt like he was a different person etc etc...

 

It's not that I'm triggering because it's October. It's like I'm still going through the cycle. I read our emails this time last year. Normal, nice, lots of "I love you".

 

Then November....It's the strangest thing...the day after he wrote that to her I confided in my friend that I woke in the middle of the night in tears...like a panic attack! This was totally out of character. I KNEW something was going very wrong...

 

Ugh! I don't know what to say anymore! I need to talk. I need to be reassured. I need to feel safe & secure. I'm terrified of my pending surgeries. He's trying to be supportive. Last year after my surgery I woke & he was laying next to the bed working. He said I just wanted to be near me while I slept. It gave him peace to know I wasn't in agony when I was asleep. How did we go from that to him waxing lyrical about her sparkling eyes in such a short time?

 

Was my life a lie for all these years? He wrote to others that he resented me all this time for making him loose 'his love'. Was he resenting me when we conceived our babies? Was he thinking of her when he held them for the first time? If I ask questions, "do you still love her?" he laughs & says "of course not. It was just a fantasy.." end of conversation, but I'm "anxious, depressed, manic at times, overwhelmed, neurotic, insecure, paranoid..". & a whole host of other nightmare feelings.

 

I just need this pain to stop. I cry everyday. I need to chase-up the surgeon to schedule my surgery...ugh!!! I'm so lost & so terrified. I need someone to hold me & tell me that everything's going to be ok but I don't think it is. I'm so alone.

[Ladyjane14]

Well providing is something that he would be doing regardless isn't it? Unless off course he doesn't like having a roof over his head, a bed to sleep in, running water, electricity and food to eat. He is providing for himself too/primarily. It's not a selfless act or one he does solely for your benefit. Saving money, planning for retirement, aren't these things that he'd be doing whether he was alone or with someone else?

 

You mention that though the things he did for his mistress weren't meaningful to him, they probably were to her. That's normal with a lot of relationships, whether romantic, familial or professional. Sometimes we do things that we're not too fond of or don't even have to do because we care and value the people in our lives.

 

You wrote that you can't expect him to change. People change throughout their lives, you changed. The world and people around us change all the time. We learn, mature and grow. Your husband changed during his affairs, willingly and consciously. I'm assuming he is an intelligent and capable man so, do you really think that he is incapable of being able to show you affection and love the way you'd like him to?

 

 

It's not life, it's you and your husband. Life, real life is when you experience situations and factors that you have no input in or control over. This isn't bigger than you or due to circumstances beyond his or your control. Your relationship is the result of your choices and behaviour towards each other, how you choose to value and treat each other, and how you express your love towards one another.

 

This whole mindest and attitude though is fairly common amongst spouses (especially women) who have experienced infidelity or those married to narcissists or just someone who really can't be bothered.

 

You lower your expectations and learn to accept less, become "low maintenance". You resign yourself to your lot in life and with time, you normalize it.

 

The marriage isn't necessarily bad, just not all that one hoped it could be. You reason and rationalize away your needs and desires and accept that you can live without them, that they're not important and don't really matter.

 

Also where infidelity is involved, often the betrayed spouse doesn't want to behave in a way that they feel might "cause" the adulterer to possibily cheat again or leave so they demand and accept less, careful to maintain the relationship. Sometimes the person who cares the least in a relationship and makes the least amount of effort is the one who controls the quality of the relationship and how good or bad it can be.

 

I don't think acceptance of your mate as s/he is means that you've set your expectations too low. Not suggesting that we tolerate behaviors that are hurtful, but the freedom to be one's natural self is what creates true intimacy, to feel KNOWN by another person; your talents, strengths, flaws, and foibles all understood and accepted.

 

The road to recovery is to create a safe space where BOTH partners can be themselves. It's in that safe space where change can occur, where small gestures are real, authentic acts of appreciation and not grandiose schemes to prove one's devotion.

[sophinla]

Men and Women condition each other. In our society, the prize of a relationship for a woman is commitment from a man, and his willingness to give all his resources to build a family together. The prize for a men? A woman who is willing to have sex with him and reproduce with him.

 

Single men have that prize women are looking for. When a single man ask a woman for her hand, he's already given his most precious gift, who cares about poetry. Married men have nothing to offer to other women. No commitment, no resources, no future. All given to wife and kids. What's the next best thing? Words.

 

It's not romance. It's a sneaky dirty strategy to get into another woman's pants, without offering anything. I wish every woman can see through sweet poetry and useless words, and understand they deserve everything from a man.

[Ladyjane14]

The EA started when she wrote on the 6th November. I could feel that something was very wrong but I'd been through so many huge things I didn't recognize the signs. Physically I was starting to get better but I was getting very depressed. I blamed myself, my illness for everything.

 

New Years day I read the forum post where he blamed my health & was "choosing tolerating me, his burden, or leaving to find Love, Romance & Adventure". It shattered me & started the (quote) "It'll result in you being anxious, depressed, manic at times, overwhelmed, neurotic, insecure, paranoid.. " I STILL feel like that!

 

Mothers Day I found out about the flowers & the "Best Mother in the World" note. That still makes me want to throw-up! He convinced me they were just friends & he was leaning on her because I was such a nightmare to live with because of my health.

I fell for it!! It devastated me that he would bring her back into our lives after everything.

 

That whole time he had me believing that if I said & did all the right things I could save my M & family. That's the worst cruelty. I lost my mind! How can anyone be 'perfect' when they don't even know what they've done wrong?

 

His line was "if you love me you would just know what I need. If I have to tell you you'll be doing it because I told you NOT because you love me!".

 

I started to find other 'evidence' & we didn't really get to the truth until August. Since its been over he says he didn't mean it. Felt like he was a different person etc etc...

 

It's not that I'm triggering because it's October. It's like I'm still going through the cycle. I read our emails this time last year. Normal, nice, lots of "I love you".

 

Then November....It's the strangest thing...the day after he wrote that to her I confided in my friend that I woke in the middle of the night in tears...like a panic attack! This was totally out of character. I KNEW something was going very wrong...

 

Ugh! I don't know what to say anymore! I need to talk. I need to be reassured. I need to feel safe & secure. I'm terrified of my pending surgeries. He's trying to be supportive. Last year after my surgery I woke & he was laying next to the bed working. He said I just wanted to be near me while I slept. It gave him peace to know I wasn't in agony when I was asleep. How did we go from that to him waxing lyrical about her sparkling eyes in such a short time?

 

Was my life a lie for all these years? He wrote to others that he resented me all this time for making him loose 'his love'. Was he resenting me when we conceived our babies? Was he thinking of her when he held them for the first time? If I ask questions, "do you still love her?" he laughs & says "of course not. It was just a fantasy.." end of conversation, but I'm "anxious, depressed, manic at times, overwhelmed, neurotic, insecure, paranoid..". & a whole host of other nightmare feelings.

 

I just need this pain to stop. I cry everyday. I need to chase-up the surgeon to schedule my surgery...ugh!!! I'm so lost & so terrified. I need someone to hold me & tell me that everything's going to be ok but I don't think it is. I'm so alone.

 

 

 

The crying stops. It does. But it takes a helluva long time for the mind to sort all the information. It takes time for the past to become linear again. Right now, it's all like a ball of yarn, one that's in constant movement, and at any moment two strands can touch and you're right back in some scary emotional place. Don't know if that makes sense or not, but it's how I picture it.

[World's.Edge]

The things your husband said to you, wrote about you and his behaviour during his affair was uncredibly cruel and unfair towards you. Affairs usually involve certain behaviours by the adulterer, such as gas-lighting, blame-shifting, manipulation, rewriting of your marital history and lying, all of which your husband has demonstrated.

 

Him making light of his infidelity, saying that it wasn't him, that it was just a fantasy and playing it off or shutting down the conversation doesn't help you in any way. It's detrimental to you.

 

His affair and behaviour then was traumatic to you and left deep deep scars.

 

Sometimes in order to heal you need for the person who has hurt you to acknowldege what they've done to you, to hear how their actions have affected you and to apologize, and that's not even that much to ask of someone. You need to talk about what happened and have him listen and bepresent in dealing with this.

 

If you're brave enough you have to pursue this. Otherwise you will continue to feel s***ty and be in pain. Stop feeling guilty and blaming yourself for your husband's choices.

 

If you don't address the affair and try to resolve these issues' date=' questions and feelings, they will persist and continue to resurge over time. It'll result in you being anxious, depressed, manic at times, overwhelmed, neurotic, insecure, paranoid.. you get the picture. You have to choose to confront the affair and have your husband be an active part in your healing and reconciliation if you want to move on from this and improve your marriage, and for the sake of your wellbeing.[/quote']

[xxoo]

Sometime the simplest explanation is the right explanation.

 

I gather from your past threads that your husband had an affair with this woman 10 years ago. Correct? And then last year again, with the same woman?

 

Add that together with the fact that he's never been romantic with you, but is with her....

 

This has nothing to do with your illness. This is him. You are driving yourself crazy chasing the love of a man who has been unwilling to give it to you, but willingly gives it to someone else.

 

Please don't waste another year shedding tears over this man and this marriage. It ain't worth your tears or your love. If you choose to stay married, at least build that wall in your heart and find your joy in other parts of your life.

[xxoo]

Maybe just that they were very young when they fell in love? A mid life, world weary man in an affair is a different creature to the hopeful and optimistic young man he was 20 years ago - just as the BS is different.

 

I don't buy this excuse. If anything, young people are more romantic than jaded midlife people. I married young myself--there was a lot of romance then, and there still is!

 

People demonstrate romance when they feel it. For whatever reason, he doesn't feel it for the OP, and seeks it with OW. That's the unfortunate truth, as evidenced by repeated behaviors.

[minimariah]

Was my life a lie for all these years?

 

your LIFE wasn't a lie.

 

but you've tolerated a lot of crap. the painful truth - he doesn't love you. you know that... which is why you feel so alone, sad & anxious. he is literally the poison that is slowly sucking the life and happiness out of you.

 

what is stopping you from cutting that poison out? you have your family and friends - focus on them. stop looking for comfort and love from a man who showed you many times that he simply won't give you that.

 

forget about what he SAYS, focus on what he DOES. and based on what he does - you make further decisions. you tried to work on your marriage but we have to recognize when something is really not worth saving. when it isn't getting any better, when you're not feeling like your spouse is doing their best to GENUINELY love and care for you... you leave. some things can't be saved and you deserve more than a man who tells you he loves you then writes a post on some other forum about how much he can't stand you in the same day.

Edited October 23, 2015 by minimariah

[World's.Edge]

I don't think acceptance of your mate as s/he is means that you've set your expectations too low. Not suggesting that we tolerate behaviors that are hurtful, but the freedom to be one's natural self is what creates true intimacy, to feel KNOWN by another person; your talents, strengths, flaws, and foibles all understood and accepted.

 

The road to recovery is to create a safe space where BOTH partners can be themselves. It's in that safe space where change can occur, where small gestures are real, authentic acts of appreciation and not grandiose schemes to prove one's devotion.

 

I'm okay with the fact that this is how you feel and that it's likely to not change, but this is the mindset and attitude that I wrote of earlier. It's characteristic of someone who has experienced infidelity or who has been treated a certain way in their relationship. Standards and expectations are way down. I don't expect you to see it but it's not surprising that you responded to my post. There's an inclination to explain and defend accepting less in a relationship, and you wouldn't have if something I'd written wasn't familiar or didn't resonate with you.

 

 

The road to recovery is to create a safe space where BOTH partners can be themselves. It's in that safe space where change can occur, where small gestures are real, authentic acts of appreciation and not grandiose schemes to prove one's devotion.

I was refering to small authetic gestures and acts of appreciation, but since you mentioned grandiose schemes, those are normal in good, healthy relationships, ones where infidelity typically isn't involved.

 

Grandiose gestures are real too and not (only) schemes done to prove one's devotion. There's no need to disparage them, they're done for the same reason small gestures are done, because you're thinking about your partner and are genuinely excited to do something for them that you know will make them happy, bring them joy or make them smile, and because you truly value, cherish and appreciate them.

 

The difference between simple, grandiose and no gestures is the effort one is willing to put in.

Shatteredlady wrote that she would love to receive poetry and love letters from her husband. He did this for his mistress, i.e. he is capable of this level of effort but chooses not to with his wife.

 

His freedom in being his natural self is to not show her affection in the way he knows she prefers and appreciates but shows it to another woman.. does that seem right to you? This has nothing to do with accepting him as he is and him being known. It doesn't involve his talents, strengths, flaws, foibles, or a deeper understanding of his person. It's writing poetry and love letters, a child in primary school could do that.

 

There's a difference between accepting your spouse as (s)he is and learning to accept that even though your spouse is able to, (s)he just chooses not to do certain things for you because 'it's not really them' and you come to learn to live without these things.

 

The road to recovery requires the active participation of both spouses, wayard and betrayed, and the consideration of their wants and needs.

Edited October 24, 2015 by World's.Edge

[xxoo]

Accepting your spouse as they are can mean accepting that they will not/can not love you the way you wish to be loved. Accepting does not necessarily require reconciling. In fact, staying and trying to change someone into the person you want them to be for years is the opposite of accepting them as they are.

 

The other side is accepting yourself as you are. If this marriage is making your miserable, do you accept that and respect yourself enough to put yourself first?

[minimariah]

Accepting your spouse as they are can mean accepting that they will not/can not love you the way you wish to be loved. Accepting does not necessarily require reconciling. In fact, staying and trying to change someone into the person you want them to be for years is the opposite of accepting them as they are.

 

The other side is accepting yourself as you are. If this marriage is making your miserable, do you accept that and respect yourself enough to put yourself first?

 

this. accepting & forgiveness do not necessarily include reconciling. some marriages are past the point of healing and the only healthy choice is to walk away - i truly believe the OP's marriage is like that. no point in living with someone who not only showes remorse and works on the relationship but repeats the same thing with the same woman years later. that was strike two.

 

you can't keep taking blow after a blow and keep trying to fix things... at point, you realize things are simply unfixable.

[ShatteredLady]

If I'd left & gone home with my parents last January my life would be settling by now. I'd probably have a nice social life with my friends & cousins. My kids would be comfortable in their new schools. I'd never know he was back in contact with her & I'd probably be dealing with a lot of guilt about how my health destroyed my marriage but things would be moving on.

 

We met very young. I was in the trade press for being the youngest person (& woman!) in my field. I sacrificed a lot for our relationship but it didn't feel like that. I received huge pay offs from work. At one point we spent a whole year just being together, partying & having fun. The year of our marriage we didn't work & toured Italy for an extended honeymoon. We aren't a couple hat got married, had kids & jobs & got lost in life. I truly believed that we were unique.

 

My aunt recently got married at 65. He wrote his own vows. They were so beautiful. He cried as he read them. I'm truly torn between my love & principles & giving-up! I don't now how much more of this pain I can take. I want our relationship to be one of those that's faces adversity & grows stronger. I want to grow old & die with my husband but is my hapless romanticism just a prison?

 

I'm not the woman I was. Love is a weakness. I'm haunted by who I could be, what I could of achieved if I'd never married. I wouldn't have my babies so I would never turn back the clock.... Love should be a blessing or at least mean something! Divorce seems so much easier. I wish I still had ome of the the innocence that some of the posters show!! I wish I had never discovered the truth...that your body can break down & betray you.... Even that's crap!! The first time I was healthy & gave everything...he just spent +12 hours at work with her.

 

Maybe I just chose a bad spouse. But 25 years of my life can't be that manngless...can it?

[underpants]

I just don't want this to be my life.

 

...and yet 'this life' is now your choice...

 

You can change that or accept things as they are and continue to suffer per choice.