True Romance...

[66Charger]

Love is never a weakness, but accepting a marriage, ESPECIALLY a Reconciliation without it being the way you wish, probaly is.

Edited October 24, 2015 by 66Charger

[xxoo]

I'm not the woman I was. Love is a weakness. I'm haunted by who I could be, what I could of achieved if I'd never married. I wouldn't have my babies so I would never turn back the clock.... Love should be a blessing or at least mean something! Divorce seems so much easier. I wish I still had ome of the the innocence that some of the posters show!! I wish I had never discovered the truth...that your body can break down & betray you.... Even that's crap!! The first time I was healthy & gave everything...he just spent +12 hours at work with her.

 

Maybe I just chose a bad spouse. But 25 years of my life can't be that manngless...can it?

 

Love is a blessing. In the face of sickness, love is a blessing. In the face of life problems, love is a blessing.

 

A spouse who turns away and finds escape elsewhere in times of sickness or other life problems is not demonstrating love. Yes, our bodies can break down and betray us. That, on its own, does not destroy love. It can, in fact, draw a loving couple closer.

 

Those 25 of years of life aren't meaningless. You had experiences, good and bad. You lived and learned. You gained your children! Divorce, should you choose it, does not render the years you spent with the person meaningless.

 

Forget the fantasy version of your marriage, your spouse, or your life. Accept and acknowledge the reality. Decide if you are satisfied with it. Change what you can. Accept what you can not.

[underpants]

I want to grow old & die with my husband

 

Sounds like you are on that road, with him surviving, meeting the 'obligation' and living his own life after ...you. Screw that noise.

 

Love is a weakness.

 

Not if you truly let go with it.

 

I'm haunted by who I could be, what I could of achieved if I'd never married.

 

What would you tell that young girl?

 

I wish I still had some of the the innocence

 

Nostalgia mixed with a some spackle and of course I get it.

Ignorance is not always bliss. Life is a marathon...no matter what path you are on. Even if you are running the marathon in 2 day old pajamas, as long as you breathe you are making choices. Shattered, what choices are you making?

 

Maybe I just chose a bad spouse. But 25 years of my life can't be that manngless...can it?

 

Perhaps you chose the spouse that gave you a child that you love, an example to show how to overcome all sorts of life challenges. Of course 25 years is not meaningless. That is a huge chunk of your life, the experiences (good and bad) are part of your being.

 

Use the pieces to forge the shattered pieces into something meaningful for you.

[ShatteredLady]

"Love is never a weakness". What makes you say that?

 

I've given so much in the name of love...but what is "love"? My H will say that he loves me & he knows that I love him. In the name of love I could NEVER do the things he's done to me...to be completely honest I couldn't treat someone I despise the way my H has treated me. Don't get me wrong, there have been wonderful years, people envy our relationship but they have no idea of the truth.

 

He suffers from depression. Self loathing depression. Then it all get too much for him & it's all my fault. I've given so much to help him but everything is never enough.

 

Sometimes I wonder if we're just too different. He's a math geek. 1 + any old 1 still equals 2. I'm a literature student. I accept that the hey day of poetry was born out of the want to bed women but the art of being a literature girl is turning a blind eye to the inherent shallowness of it all.

 

I've had a few drinks, which isn't a great idea on my meds. I just need something, anything of real value....I'm thinking I need a divorce....

[xxoo]

"Love is never a weakness". What makes you say that?

 

I've given so much in the name of love...but what is "love"? My H will say that he loves me & he knows that I love him. In the name of love I could NEVER do the things he's done to me...to be completely honest I couldn't treat someone I despise the way my H has treated me. Don't get me wrong, there have been wonderful years, people envy our relationship but they have no idea of the truth.

 

Loving another should go hand in hand with loving yourself. Look at what you've accepted for yourself. Is that loving yourself? Would you encourage a dear friend, a sister, or a daughter to make the same sacrifices for a man who treats her so poorly?

 

What is love to you?

[truncated]

I've had the horrible experience of reading some of the correspondence between my husband & his OW. I'm not talking about the lies & nonsense here. I want to discuss the 'ROMANCE'.

 

As a couple we've always joked about how opposites attract. To be honest we're a mix of very different & spookily the same. Our HUGE difference is my H has always been a math & computer geek whilst I'm a literature girl. Our educations reflect this.

 

I would love to receive poetry & love letters from my H but accepted 25 years ago that he just isn't that kind of man. His 2nd email to his OW was beautiful. She had asked him if he remembered something & he replied sadly no, "But I will always remember the way your eyes sparkle when you laugh. The way your hand feels in mine as we walk into a restaurant.....". He even sent her Sonnet 29. One of my favorites. My heart would skip a beat if a man ever sent that to me. I would truly treasure that...

 

I've always been a hapless romantic. I know that some people just aren't like that. It's not a reflection of how deep & true their love runs. It's just how they are...

 

Why do some people find it in themselves to express romance & poetry whilst in the throws of an affair when it doesn't come naturally in 'real life'? Have you had that kind of relationship where you wax lyrical about the depths of your love? Has your BS organized romantic rendezvous you didn't think them capable of? My H says, "I love you" many times every single day but it remains an unrealized fantasy of mine to have poetic romance. I've never been surprised even for the big anniversaries or birthdays....

 

If anyone cares to share a truly romantic experience to lighten the thread I'd enjoy that too!

 

I make my living by the written word, and one thing I have noticed in life.

 

Words are simple, ethereal things

From mind to paper, fly the words of a fool

'tis easy to poetic wax

When there is little that stands behind them

 

In other words, talk and words are cheap, and that's why "players" often use them. Anyone can copy a sonnet, but look for the actions behind the words.

 

Some people really do mean all the high flung thing they say, and you can tell they do if there is action behind them.

 

While I agree that it's nice to hear poetic compliments, if there is no love or constancy behind them, what do they really mean?

[underpants]

"what is "love"?

 

[ShatteredLady]

A year or more ago I would of been lecturing all on great marriages. Friends & family still quote us on how it should be. Right up until the moment the bubble burst I was complacent on what we had. I know it sounds melodramaticic by PTSD is the closest explanation for my feelings I can give.

 

It's lovely that people believe it must be year after year of ever decreasing crap to reach this point. Hold onto that 'reality' it's beautiful. The truth is that the wrong person at the wrong time can turn your life to ****. I never believed that for one moment. I loved that feeling of having a great life, a great relationship. That belief that I had some control over my marriage. Ignorance is truly bliss.

[underpants]

Make a plan.

[truncated]

"Love is never a weakness". What makes you say that?

 

I've given so much in the name of love...but what is "love"? My H will say that he loves me & he knows that I love him. In the name of love I could NEVER do the things he's done to me...to be completely honest I couldn't treat someone I despise the way my H has treated me. Don't get me wrong, there have been wonderful years, people envy our relationship but they have no idea of the truth.

 

He suffers from depression. Self loathing depression. Then it all get too much for him & it's all my fault. I've given so much to help him but everything is never enough.

 

Sometimes I wonder if we're just too different. He's a math geek. 1 + any old 1 still equals 2. I'm a literature student. I accept that the hey day of poetry was born out of the want to bed women but the art of being a literature girl is turning a blind eye to the inherent shallowness of it all.

 

I've had a few drinks, which isn't a great idea on my meds. I just need something, anything of real value....I'm thinking I need a divorce....

 

It sounds like what would do you a lot of good is to have some time to find out for yourselves who YOU really are. Who you are as ( your real name) , not just as a wife, or a mom, or a friend, daughter what have you.

 

I understand how you feel about your depressed husband. It's such a dark cloud. You have been there for him through so much, all of his black moods, etc.. Who has been there for you? We all need nurturing and comfort, who is giving this to you?

[xxoo]

Make a plan.

 

Or rugsweep and repeat, over and over.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Sl has been told the same thing over and over.

 

She wants the truth...yet she doesn't want to hear it.

 

She knows the answer...but she doesn't want to accept it.

 

Sl....take your children home to your parents in England...now

 

Leave your husband to wallow in his self pity and his horrific behavior

 

Go home sl....let your parents help you...go where you are loved and respected

 

Leave this man...and have hope for a brighter tomorrow

 

Surround yourself with positive energy and love

[Mount]

You can not continue living like these, the current life is such a torture. It will drain you to the end.

 

 

The EA started when she wrote on the 6th November. I could feel that something was very wrong but I'd been through so many huge things I didn't recognize the signs. Physically I was starting to get better but I was getting very depressed. I blamed myself, my illness for everything.

 

New Years day I read the forum post where he blamed my health & was "choosing tolerating me, his burden, or leaving to find Love, Romance & Adventure". It shattered me & started the (quote) "It'll result in you being anxious, depressed, manic at times, overwhelmed, neurotic, insecure, paranoid.. " I STILL feel like that!

 

Mothers Day I found out about the flowers & the "Best Mother in the World" note. That still makes me want to throw-up! He convinced me they were just friends & he was leaning on her because I was such a nightmare to live with because of my health.

I fell for it!! It devastated me that he would bring her back into our lives after everything.

 

That whole time he had me believing that if I said & did all the right things I could save my M & family. That's the worst cruelty. I lost my mind! How can anyone be 'perfect' when they don't even know what they've done wrong?

 

His line was "if you love me you would just know what I need. If I have to tell you you'll be doing it because I told you NOT because you love me!".

 

I started to find other 'evidence' & we didn't really get to the truth until August. Since its been over he says he didn't mean it. Felt like he was a different person etc etc...

 

It's not that I'm triggering because it's October. It's like I'm still going through the cycle. I read our emails this time last year. Normal, nice, lots of "I love you".

 

Then November....It's the strangest thing...the day after he wrote that to her I confided in my friend that I woke in the middle of the night in tears...like a panic attack! This was totally out of character. I KNEW something was going very wrong...

 

Ugh! I don't know what to say anymore! I need to talk. I need to be reassured. I need to feel safe & secure. I'm terrified of my pending surgeries. He's trying to be supportive. Last year after my surgery I woke & he was laying next to the bed working. He said I just wanted to be near me while I slept. It gave him peace to know I wasn't in agony when I was asleep. How did we go from that to him waxing lyrical about her sparkling eyes in such a short time?

 

Was my life a lie for all these years? He wrote to others that he resented me all this time for making him loose 'his love'. Was he resenting me when we conceived our babies? Was he thinking of her when he held them for the first time? If I ask questions, "do you still love her?" he laughs & says "of course not. It was just a fantasy.." end of conversation, but I'm "anxious, depressed, manic at times, overwhelmed, neurotic, insecure, paranoid..". & a whole host of other nightmare feelings.

 

I just need this pain to stop. I cry everyday. I need to chase-up the surgeon to schedule my surgery...ugh!!! I'm so lost & so terrified. I need someone to hold me & tell me that everything's going to be ok but I don't think it is. I'm so alone.

[minimariah]

A year or more ago I would of been lecturing all on great marriages.

 

you wouldn't. your marriage has been bad for more than 12 years because you have a husband who is in love with someone else and has been for that entire time. instead of dealing with that reality, you're nostalgic for those times when you didn't know the truth.

 

your life wasn't a lie, your spouse and your marriage are only small pieces of your life - the marriage has been a lie for mumber of years and you've simply chosen the wrong spouse. you're trying to make him love you and turn him into a man you want him to be when you simply can't.

 

divorcing is the only reason -- either that OR you wait until he leaves you for his OW. and trust me... that moment will eventually come.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm okay with the fact that this is how you feel and that it's likely to not change, but this is the mindset and attitude that I wrote of earlier. It's characteristic of someone who has experienced infidelity or who has been treated a certain way in their relationship. Standards and expectations are way down. I don't expect you to see it but it's not surprising that you responded to my post. There's an inclination to explain and defend accepting less in a relationship, and you wouldn't have if something I'd written wasn't familiar or didn't resonate with you.

 

 

 

I was refering to small authetic gestures and acts of appreciation, but since you mentioned grandiose schemes, those are normal in good, healthy relationships, ones where infidelity typically isn't involved.

 

Grandiose gestures are real too and not (only) schemes done to prove one's devotion. There's no need to disparage them, they're done for the same reason small gestures are done, because you're thinking about your partner and are genuinely excited to do something for them that you know will make them happy, bring them joy or make them smile, and because you truly value, cherish and appreciate them.

 

The difference between simple, grandiose and no gestures is the effort one is willing to put in.

Shatteredlady wrote that she would love to receive poetry and love letters from her husband. He did this for his mistress, i.e. he is capable of this level of effort but chooses not to with his wife.

 

His freedom in being his natural self is to not show her affection in the way he knows she prefers and appreciates but shows it to another woman.. does that seem right to you? This has nothing to do with accepting him as he is and him being known. It doesn't involve his talents, strengths, flaws, foibles, or a deeper understanding of his person. It's writing poetry and love letters, a child in primary school could do that.

 

There's a difference between accepting your spouse as (s)he is and learning to accept that even though your spouse is able to, (s)he just chooses not to do certain things for you because 'it's not really them' and you come to learn to live without these things.

 

The road to recovery requires the active participation of both spouses, wayard and betrayed, and the consideration of their wants and needs.

 

I just think you're wrong. That's the reason I responded to your post. What a wayward says and does while they're feeding their own ego and salving their depression isn't a reflection of their true feelings for their spouse. A grandiose gesture doesn't mean anything either. This guy made grandiose gestures towards his affair partner... then he went home to his wife. Unless somebody put a gun to his head, he's where he wants to be.

[BlueDress]

Very true. The affair isn't real and neither is what happens during it. It's a stage show.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Blue dress....May i ask you how you know this?

The affair isn't real and neither is what happens during it. It's a stage show.

Your husband had an affair with your best friend...and divorced you and married her.

 

Do you call that a stage show and not reality? I think it is pretty real.

The only place it is not real is in your mind...where you are calculating her demise so you can get him back.

You are in complete denial.

 

SL knows her situation is real.....and she is alone and frightened and sick... far from home and family who loves her. She lives with a man who abandoned her years ago....

[cocorico]

Very true. The affair isn't real and neither is what happens during it. It's a stage show.

 

It was more real to your exhusband than your marriage was - hence him hightailing it as fast as he could to be with his real love, who is now his wife.

 

SL has to decide whether she's willing to risk the same happening to her; or to admit that she's worth more than a guy who's really hankering for someone else while she busts a gut trying to reconcile a marriage on her own.

[Lois_Griffin]

But if the husband never did it for the OP when they were in the throes of new love, despite her clearly valuing it, what would that mean?

That he's probably listened to the OP opine for the last 25 years that she would love romantic poetry so he used that information to romance his [other woman].

Edited October 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Furious]

"Love is never a weakness". What makes you say that?

 

I've given so much in the name of love...but what is "love"? My H will say that he loves me & he knows that I love him. In the name of love I could NEVER do the things he's done to me...to be completely honest I couldn't treat someone I despise the way my H has treated me. Don't get me wrong, there have been wonderful years, people envy our relationship but they have no idea of the truth.

 

He suffers from depression. Self loathing depression. Then it all get too much for him & it's all my fault. I've given so much to help him but everything is never enough.

 

Sometimes I wonder if we're just too different. He's a math geek. 1 + any old 1 still equals 2. I'm a literature student. I accept that the hey day of poetry was born out of the want to bed women but the art of being a literature girl is turning a blind eye to the inherent shallowness of it all.

 

I've had a few drinks, which isn't a great idea on my meds. I just need something, anything of real value....I'm thinking I need a divorce....

 

 

SL

 

Your "husband" is seriously flawed and selfish, I imagine whomever he married he would have betrayed her.

 

Love is a four letter word, and for some people it is just that, words are easy to say or write. For others "love" is not only just a word, it's actions that give meaning to it, there's a fundamental difference between those that live by actions and those who live only by words.

 

Life's not always fair, and sometimes bad things happen to good people and sometimes good things happen to bad people. You were the good thing that happened to your husband, but he was not worthy of you.

 

Your husband see's himself as a victim and many dysfunctional victims need a scapegoat to lighten the burden of their victimhood.

 

i remind you, no matter who he married he would have made a mess of it. It's really not you, it's about him. Fair weather spouses and friends are just that.

 

I urge you to not twist your brain in trying to figure him out, if it quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, it's a duck.

 

Be proud of yourself, do what is best for you, you are worthy of at least respecting and loving yourself.

 

(((((((sending you a huge hug))))))))

[merrmeade]

If we've never been a WS we can't know what's going on inside their heads while they are in the heat of their affair. Those thoughts are completely alien to us - and coming from a frame of reference that we simply can't grasp. Understanding WS thoughts and language during the affair is like trying to understand the language of whales or dolphins. It's simply beyond our understanding.

 

I'm not sure if that's a blessing or not. I believe my WW believed she was deeply in love with her OM... at the time. I think she has come to realize that she was just lying to herself back then.. but you know, I'll never really know the truth.

 

If you can't tell the truth from a lie, then there's not much point in asking the question is there?

 

I went round and round about this stuff for years. Not wanting to be plan B - my WW insists that I'm not.. but you know she could be lying, and I'll never know. So I just accepted that she was in love with him then. Deeply, and totally infatuated with him. And that during that time her feelings for me somewhere between hate and disregard.

 

She's with me now though, and maybe that's what counts the most. She swears she loves me now, and that her affair was a horrible thing she did in the past, and has no bearing on how she feels about me today.

 

Through our reasoning we can't make the past un-happen. It did. And it totally sucks. But it is the past, and I do my best to keep it there.

This is also the way my WH is. I could never, ever for one second be satisfied with this perspective, so I suppose it's a matter of personality rather than role. I HAD to understand and find the cause and effect, to know how those human beings had gotten to that point in their lives. I had to do it in order to scourge the complete shock and incredulity in my brain and find order in my own life. However, now that I feel I do, I no longer search for answers and, in fact, agree with this conclusion. Eventually you get to a point where you accept it happened, it sucks and you try to avoid triggers that remind you. Forgiving my husband is still a work in progress. I imagine divorce makes that some of that happen sooner and more easily.

[World's.Edge]

I just think you're wrong. That's the reason I responded to your post. What a wayward says and does while they're feeding their own ego and salving their depression isn't a reflection of their true feelings for their spouse.

Well it's easy to say that you think I'm wrong but on what specifically, a quote would be helpful.

 

Not all affairs are the result of the wayward feeding their ego and salving their depression.. and even in those instances, the wayward still demonstrates that they value their self-gratification and ego more than their spouse because when you cheat on someone, you risk them leaving you.

 

Also not everyone who is egotistical/ego-driven or depressed cheats on their spouse. Affairs happen because (for whatever reason) those involved in them want and choose to engage in the affair.

 

If being unfaithful to someone, lying to them and manipulating them isn't a reflection of one's feelings towards them then what is? Because to me, love is not just how you feel about someone, it's how you treat them, value them and express that love.

 

You wrote that a wayward's behaviour during their affair isn't a true reflection of their feelings. What about in situations where the waywards decides to leave their spouse for their affair mistress/mister, or long-term affairs that last years or over a decade?

 

Read Taylorjones' thread and tell me her husband's affair isn't a true reflection of how he felt about her.

 

A grandiose gesture doesn't mean anything either. This guy made grandiose gestures towards his affair partner... then he went home to his wife. Unless somebody put a gun to his head, he's where he wants to be.

Wayward husbands normally don't leave their marriage for their affair partner. The financial and social costs and risks are usually too great and it is more convenient to stay married, especially since betrayed wives are usually willing to stay with them and work through this rough patch in their marriage and come out stronger than before because their love will survive this.

Their home and marriage is a certainty, it's familiar, secure and comfortable. The adulterer may not love his mistress enough to leave, but he also didn't love his wife enough to not cheat. Their spouse could also just be Plan B.

 

I think you and I have different ideas of what qualifies as a grandiose gesture because I don't recall ShatteredLady mentioning any in this thread, just the love letters, poetry and sonnet. To me a grand gesture would include like a trip for two overseas traveling, organizing a large surprise party, a weekend getaway to a spa, renovations/additions to the house, some grand and meaningul gift, etc. What you you classify as a grand gesture?

 

I get that it's difficult for someone in reconciliation to accept that their spouse has been unfaithful. Their reasons are just as painful and difficult to accept as well. It's easier and serves as a comfort for some to consider their behaviour out of character for them, that it wasn't them and their affair is not a true representation of who that person is or their feelings. It's something to hold on to, it may be serious denial or it may apply in some cases, but it doesn't hold true for all affairs.

Edited October 24, 2015 by World's.Edge

[World's.Edge]

Very true. The affair isn't real and neither is what happens during it. It's a stage show.

Okay so the kissing, holding hands, having sex, going out, spending time together, long talks and extended calls.. none of that is real? How can these not be real if they're present in most normal relationships? These may be due to infatuation but infatuation is present at the start of most relationships.

 

My older cousin had an affair and left his wife wit whom he has three children and is now with his mistress and their child. Is that not real and still a stage show?

 

My husband and I were married for 4 years. He had an affair with a family friend and eventually left me for her. I really fought it but it didn't matter. He loved her, it was true love, she loved him, blah blah blah. He ended up giving me about everything just so he could leave fast and easy and he did.

That was years ago and they're married now. Sorry that this happened to you but it seems as genuine and as real as any relationship.

[minimariah]

nless somebody put a gun to his head, he's where he wants to be.

 

not at all.

 

i'd say he wants to be with his OW - but for this or that reason, that's not a real option. it is wrong to assume that he loves his wife or that the entire affair was a lie just because he isn't leaving - many folks stay married for MANY reasons & love for their spouse isn't one of them.

 

it is painfually obvious that the OP's husband doesn't love her and it's been that way for a very long period of time. the fact that he stays married to the OP while putting on the "i want to be with you" face means literally nothing -- in fact, what a wayward does or says in and during the affair is often more real and honest than what they do faced with their spouse.

 

there is a beautiful quote by oscar wilde - man is least himself when he talks in his own person. give him a mask and he will tell you the truth.

 

for many waywards, affair actually is that mask that allows them to speak freely and honestly how they REALLY feel about their spouse. to turn your head away from what had happened during the affair and to dismiss it as unreal & fake and to only focus on what the wayward tells you when busted is a betrayed spouse's denial and a form of coping mechanism... nothing less or more. notice how wayward never has other explanations for what was said and done in the affair other than - it wasn't me, i don't know why i said what i said, i didn't mean it, i was in an affair fog..... you wouldn't take any of this exuses seriously in any other situation in your life.

 

so why take it seriously in your marriage?

Edited October 24, 2015 by minimariah

[Lion Heart]

The EA started when she wrote on the 6th November. I could feel that something was very wrong but I'd been through so many huge things I didn't recognize the signs.

 

1. Physically I was starting to get better but I was getting very depressed. I blamed myself, my illness for everything.

 

New Years day I read the forum post where he blamed my health & was

 

2. "choosing tolerating me, his burden, or leaving to find Love, Romance & Adventure". It shattered me & started the (quote) "It'll result in you being anxious, depressed, manic at times, overwhelmed, neurotic, insecure, paranoid.. " I STILL feel like that!

 

Mothers Day I found out about the flowers & the "Best Mother in the World" note. That still makes me want to throw-up! He convinced me they were just friends & he was leaning on her because I was such a nightmare to live with because of my health.

3. I fell for it!! It devastated me that he would bring her back into our lives after everything.

 

That whole time he had me believing that if I said & did all the right things I could save my M & family. That's the worst cruelty. I lost my mind! How can anyone be 'perfect' when they don't even know what they've done wrong?

 

His line was "if you love me you would just know what I need. If I have to tell you you'll be doing it because I told you NOT because you love me!".

 

I started to find other 'evidence' & we didn't really get to the truth until August. Since its been over he says he didn't mean it. Felt like he was a different person etc etc...

 

It's not that I'm triggering because it's October. It's like I'm still going through the cycle. I read our emails this time last year. Normal, nice, lots of "I love you".

 

Then November....It's the strangest thing...the day after he wrote that to her I confided in my friend that I woke in the middle of the night in tears...like a panic attack! This was totally out of character. I KNEW something was going very wrong...

 

Ugh! I don't know what to say anymore! I need to talk. I need to be reassured. I need to feel safe & secure. I'm terrified of my pending surgeries. He's trying to be supportive. Last year after my surgery I woke & he was laying next to the bed working. He said I just wanted to be near me while I slept. It gave him peace to know I wasn't in agony when I was asleep. How did we go from that to him waxing lyrical about her sparkling eyes in such a short time?

 

4. Was my life a lie for all these years? He wrote to others that he resented me all this time for making him loose 'his love'. Was he resenting me when we conceived our babies? Was he thinking of her when he held them for the first time? If I ask questions, "do you still love her?" he laughs & says "of course not. It was just a fantasy.." end of conversation, but I'm "anxious, depressed, manic at times, overwhelmed, neurotic, insecure, paranoid..". & a whole host of other nightmare feelings.

 

5. I just need this pain to stop. I cry everyday. I need to chase-up the surgeon to schedule my surgery...ugh!!! I'm so lost & so terrified. I need someone to hold me & tell me that everything's going to be ok but I don't think it is. I'm so alone.

 

Hello sweetheart,

 

My heart and stomach sunk when I read this post of yours.

I'm typing this from my phone at 3am so I apologize for the weird form of response but here goes.

 

1. This man is GASLIGHTING YOU. You are LETTING HIM!

Please read up on Gaslighting on a wider scale. You could be horribly shocked as I was. It's a cruel form of emotional torture. See the typical quotes of people who are gaslighting their partners. I know you're unwell physically but getting your head around GL is gonna help you SEE IT immediately when he does it and THROW it right back at HIM. Print out the quotes and hand them to him. When in a heated, to & fro "discussion, it is FAR TOO EASY for us as trusting loving partners (who desperately seek a resolution) to fall for GL comments. These people are Mentally Ill and in a M WE can become Mentally Ill by close association. Do not allow GL for one more second. Stand your ground. Then detach.

 

2. This is ridiculously immature crap. His behaviour IS ALL ON HIM! Stop right now allowing HIS BEHAVIOURS to reflect on YOU. Do YOUR CHILDREN think she's the "best mother in the world"??? Ofcourse not. How pathetically trivial he is. And the drivel? Absolutely laughable. So WH IDEA of "the best mother in the world" is a woman who sleeps with married men??? Really?

Mwahahaha. I bet if OWs children knew she was sleeping with MMen THEY would know she is FAR from good, let alone best mother in any competition. If you are comparing yourself to OW? Ummm. Who "wins"? No competition. It matters more what you think of yourself.

My wise cousin gave me a pearler to hold on to over decades "Your Opinion of me is really none of my business." Use it. It's YOUR OPINION OF YOURSELF that is tantamount over EVERYTHING. No one else's. Not a Wayward Husband! Where is HIS credibility? HE knows he has none. No credibility whatsoever to make judgment calls on you. Invest your time in yourself, your children and your health both mental and physical. You have not said "F*** you! AND your opinion of me!" enough. Internalizing your anger will affect your health. Directing it at the perpetrator is far healthier. And finding ways to dissipate it.

 

3. More relevant to the whole post and your attitude towards his As. A psychologist said to me recently "due to your husband's stress in the M / family, perceived or otherwise, he CHOSE VERY POOR COPING STRATEGIES by escaping into affairs". The psych suggested WH find HEALTHIER coping strategies that BUILD the M and FAMILY INSTEAD of destroying them. Sounds familiar? Because it is! IT IS STILL ALL ON HIM! Your WH CHOSE this path! You didn't hold a gun to his head! No one did. He saw an opportunity for "ESCAPE" and galloped head long into it! He** you needed escape too! Same M remember but added health issues? WH only made matters FAR worse than you needed and ADDED to your stress by exiting when YOU needed him the most. How dare he put that on YOU as yet another "excuse". Pfft. Weak man. Extremely selfish man. Supremely uncaring man. Recognize his weak traits. He needs to grow up, grow a set and give a da** about this M or rack off.

 

4. No! YOUR life HAS NOT BEEN A LIE all these years! YOU have been present and authentic in YOUR LIFE. You need to list all the ways you've shown your love, dedication and devotion to this M. To your family on another list. Make sure you include "constant striving for optimum health" and "bravery and courage in the face of adversity". The first list is Your Attribute and Qualities. So 3 lists. Reflect. The first psych I saw a few days after my D Day Number 1 said "your betrayal runs as deep as your investment in this M" and I had invested everything on every level known to woman. Lol. Bast***. Take my $6,500 to pay his credit card out DURING his A? Oh and THEN HE REMEMBERS he "lerves" me? No. I'm all over the ELEMENTS of this relationship I "gave too much" in and have withdrawn and retracted them all down to a "workable" oh I'd say 1% max.

I've done this for my own Wellbeing. I will not give ANYTHING I am not willing to lose. It's a sure bet loss so far, so now, to protect myself from any further resentment, I blatantly REFUSE investing anything. He has my time atm and he's bl***** lucky for that! Times a runnin out! So preparation is what I'm focusing on.

 

5. I hope you're in IC. Yes you do need the pain to stop. You need a fast track to detachment even if you DO stay M to this undeserving creature. Detach for your own healths sake. You have absolutely NO CHOICE in the matter. Merrmeade refers to her approach quite often and getting into that groove really helps. Why you and I have ANY expectations of our WHs defies logic really! Zero expectations and I bet we get zero too! Lol

LAUGHTER is healing. Let's face it they're clowns and we've been drawn into their circus. Buy a ticket to watch from the audience. Detach and observe and see WH and ALL his actions as SEPARATE from you.

Chumplady is AWESOME. I'll see you over there lol.

We do need humour to deal with this.

Laughing out loud is very therapeutic.

 

And finally you are not alone. If we all lived near each other we'd be all over it as a LS member said to me recently BUT there comes a TIME when YOU have to say enough is enough. To stop the obsession over WH and all HIS SH**. As you may have already realized even our dearest friends can't stand what we're going through. We have to perk up, brush their stuff off us and walk tall KNOWING who we are, what we stand for and where WE are heading. Singularly. Not necessarily Dd but as an individual.

 

MANY BIG LONG HUGS

Lion Heart.

Edited October 24, 2015 by Lion Heart